Hi babes,
learning all sorts here, wish someone had taught me heels-wearing earlier in my life, too late now, though my top tip entails buying Clarks Maryjane type heels, I can kind of walk in them and only rarely fall off. Also those gel cushions for soles of course. But cannot wear them much.
I went out with DH on Friday, had a nice chatty evening, and I drank but not out of control. I enjoyed it instead of feeling guilt and shame and that it was a crutch. However, on Sat, went out and had a whiskey cocktail with a girlfriend, came in, drank two cans of beer and then sneaked two whiskeys when DH out of the room. Guess what, I felt knackered much of the day today, not headachey though which was bizarre.
Had decided clearly not to drink tonight and did not anticipate that being hard. But then this morning, was with a group of friends, and one of them called me aside and told me that she felt anxious and judged every time she saw me because of something I had said about her ds. I do find him quite hard, but I don't remember saying anything, and she was not specific at all. She said she is very hyper sensitive, and I know that I have in the past said stupid things and upset people without meaning to. That has not happened for ages though, and I was kind of hoping I had learned how not to do it. I apologised to her for hurting her, and said I had not meant to upset her, and we had a hug and hopefully things will be OK between us, I think they will be. But, I had no idea it was coming - that has happened to me before and I feel even worse as I am obviously pig ignorant about others feelings sometimes and I wish I was not ('I'm clearly a bad person' is the thought process...).
When I came home, I did think it through, and my surface thought processes not too self punishing, and I have had the insight today that my DM and others in my family are extremely judgemental of others who do things differently to them, and so it is perhaps not surprising that I have some elements of that, even though this does not fit how I aspire to be. However somewhere inside me is a demon that is telling me I am a shitty horrible person 
. I konw that drinking would make these awful feelings go away for a bit, and I really wanted to drink this afternoon.
But I didn't, and when DH got home (from sailing, I am sailing widow on Sundays) I told him a bit about incident, he was lovely, and I told him that this made me want to drink, and he said that would just be really counterproductive, bloody rational guy..... He's right though. Anyway, feeling dead bruised but glad I did not drink, and off for soup and cheese and maybe mindless telly now (if can persuade DH).
Just needed to vent.....