The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Sweeping Into Autumn With A One Way Ticket To Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Phew, just in time!

I'm mouse and I love a few to drink. I love all things cheese and I love MrMouse

Welcome to the Bus. We are a collection of drinkers, non-drinkers, and those who are somewhere in between but we all have the same thing in common, we can't just have 1 drink and then stop.

Come say hi, we don't bite .

Here are the other threads to date, if you have a spare hour or seven to kill.

OUR HISTORY

mouse you need to tell all. if you can't tell, sit him in front of the thread you posted in abusive relationships a while back and just let him read it. he will understand then. You are one brave woman.
bafana that hurts. but don't let it knock you off track.

I feel for you Bafana, I have a couple of really close friends who have repeatedly let me down over the last year, so much so that I rarely contact them as I know that if we arrange to meet up then they will forget or have something else on at the last minute. I do feel a bit like a Billy no mates no though
Mouse I imagine it will be really hard for you to tell him what you've been through and would be very upsetting but I can't help but feel that you need to. He isn't going to understand why you can't trust him 100% when he doesn't know what happened in your past. p.s. I thought of you yesterday as I went to a Country Fair that had loads of cheese stalls

Morning Babes (or afternoon). Feeling bit more boingy this morning and pleased I didn't drink last night.

Bafana (( )) I have no words of wisdom but sorry your friend let you down.

Mouse I think you need to find a way of communicating to DH. Even if for now you say - I have told you less than half of what I experienced and recognise that means its hard for you to understand how I am feeling. At least then he knows that he doesn't know iyswim? DH struggled a lot when I first had counselling (not the human givens one) because it brought up a lot of things for me and I began to treat him as an abuser in many ways - it was hard and he said he felt as if he had done something awful (when he hadn't). To be honest I am 50 - 50 on telling him everything. He doesn't need details if you cannot share them, all he needs to know is that it has x,y,z impact on you and how you feel in a relationship.

I spent years pushing DH away, testing his love, being truly horrible and unworthy of him. I thank my lucky stars every day that he stayed with me. I feel a cold fear every time I think about it.

Your sub conscious is telling you to deal with this now. You have had a terrible time of it - no two ways about it, life has dealt you a shit hand in the past. As you said, life can just be shitty. However, you are safe now, Nemo is doing well, you have respite care, you are focusing on healing your body, treating the physical. I think that all the things you have carried around with you are now jumping about saying - You are strong now, deal with me, deal with me!! You can do this. You can. Its just not going to be easy.

I'd be wary of sugar coating things for DH though - you are committed to working through this but that might be tough at times for you, which means it might be tough for him too. But it will be easier if he is supporting you on this journey.

Do you remember when I was talking to Red once. I said that yes, I had a period in my childhood that was difficult, confusing and horrible. But that is in the past. It is just below liking spreadsheets as something that defines me.

One day my lovely mouse you might drop into conversation that you were in an abusive relationship, but that it is in the past. And you will know in your heart that you have let that pain go, the experience has shaped you yes, but it doesn't define your day to day life or your responses to things. You will think of this moment and realise that liking cheese says more about who you are, that the love of cheese informs your movements more than the fear of the past. I am sure of it lovely mouse.

mouse please don't think I mean the cheese thing in a jokey or glib way. I am serious about the fact that I rate my liking of spreadsheets as more fundamental to my personality than the actions of some tosser years ago.

It might have happened to me but it is not who I am. I FUCKING WELL CHOOSE THAT AND I CHOOSE THE DAMN SPREADSHEETS.

Get angry, get sad, hug that younger mouse that you here, talk to her, heal her but keeping going, keep going through this. You have already started this process - you just might not realise till you get to the end that you are smack bang in the midst of it.

Hello! Can I join you please? I've been lurking for a while, but have just read that "my wife's drinking" thread and it made me feel sick. I would hate for that to be my DH, and it could will be if I don't get a handle on my drinking now.

For some reason, I seem to be convinced that getting drunk is brilliant fun, and I most often drink to get drunk. I probably don't need to tell you that it's never even 10% of the fun I think it's going to be and I can't deal with my remorse and guilt the next day. DH is worried about me and I feel so terrible to be disappointing him all the time.

I can go a few days and even a few weeks without touching any alcohol, but when I do I can't just have one or even a few glasses. I have to keep going until I'm pissed. So...from now on, I'm going to work hard at controlling it and not getting drunk.

Hi Theala, welcome to the bus:)
Afternoon to all the brave babes, haven't had chance to read through yet but looks like thread was busy over the weekend.

HI Theala, all are welcome to join, hop aboard.

Your post sounds very familiar. I am the same - just cannot stop once I start (or certainly don't want to). DH has the ability to stop at one or two so my behaviour is a bit of a mystery.

How are you going to control your drinking? To be honest I found admitting I can't much easier! Most people will tell you its far, far easier to not have the first drink than the second, third, fourth, fifth...

Hello all.

I've been shopping to Aldi and discovered something divine. Pink lemonade. It's in a glass bottle, a French company make it; Le Marchi or something like that, I can't quite read the label!

Anyway. I have read your posts about opening up to DH. I have saved a copy of what I posted on that thread Ma. I'm actually scared of showing him or telling him in case he thinks I'm soiled goods.

I said to him last night that once my GP comes back from holiday, I'm going to make an appointment to see him and discuss therapy. I HATE counselling because all of my past experiences have been negative ones. I have been made to feel like a liar.

I was made to feel dirty and small and pathetic. Maybe not deliberately, maybe that's how I interpreted it. I felt so weak and feeble sitting there trying to let my past out a drop at a time.

There is no beginning, no middle or end, there's just 'it'. 'It' pops out when I feel safe to talk about it, just randomly. And then other days I put extra locks on the boxes in my head, just to make sure they are closed.

I want to open up to him. I want to talk to him. I want him to know everything about me but I just can't risk losing him. But if I keep this up, I will lose him won't I?

Like you MsGee, I test DH all the time, pushing him to his limit. I just don't know where to start.

Mouse

Counselling comes in many guises. You know what you don't want which helps a lot. I was told I had failed by one counsellor because I would not describe the abuse in detail. Fuck her. There are many schools of counselling, you just need to be on your guard till you find one that works for you. Tell your GP your concerns. And if it feels wrong walk out.

I know how you feel - I didn't think I would ever be 'through' it, through feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, feeling unworthy, feeling unloveable. Feeling that it was 'me', that it was something inherent in me that caused it. But guess what I am through it. It took 30 years but I did it.

I pushed DH away a lot. He should have walked out a thousand times. He didn't. He is a good man. They do exist.

You have to stop the black and white thinking. Its not 'tell him all' vs 'lose him'. You know this man,this is not how he will work.

How about for today telling him that you need to talk to him. That you want him to know everything but you don't know how and you are scared to start the process. Or if you don't do that - could you imagine how you would - where would you tell him, can you visualise it, even if you don't imagine the words?

mouse if you were going to lose him , you would have done by now with the drinking and pushing away stuff. I really think he needs to know - he may well be stunned at first. Nobody could read your post and not be. Then he will be awestruck at what a survivor you are. He helps you deal with the drink demaon, why would he not help you deal with the other one?
Theala welcome. My pattern is different - i rarely drink to the getting pissed stage and can often stop after one or two glasses. However i cannot go days or weeks without it (or very very rarely). I don't binge drink, but I drink steadily and pretty much every day. We are all different on here, but oh, so much the same

Hello Theala welcome to the Bus, grab yourself some cake before IsinDe turns up and scoffs the lot.

I'm thinking about showing that post Ma. Maybe that should be the starting point.

Thank you ladies xxxx

I don't want to put you off opening up to your dh mouse but I'm thinking that maybe that is something really useful that a counsellor could help you with. If you've only told him half, then opening up now, after all this time, has the possibility of unleashing lots of things for you, and maybe for him too. It might shock him. He won't think that you're 'soiled goods' but you might need to know how he is reacting, and he might need help to tell you, and sometimes that can be really well done and supported by a skilled counsellor.

Just take it easy mouse, little steps.

Thank you all for your welcome ladies.

MsGee my cunning plan is to decide beforehand how many glasses I'm going to have and then stop once I've had that amount and get up and do something else, whether that's post here or go to bed or whatever. I usually have an "ah feckit" moment when that switch trips and I go for drunk. The plan is to stop while I still do give a feck. Admittedly, it's not a particularly cunning plan, but I can't think of a better one at the moment.

I hope you manage to sort things out with your DH, Mouseface. I saw a fair few counsellors before I found one who I was comfortable with, and it really did help.

Hi theala how about this for an alternative plan....

Work out how many drinks you would normally have in the evening, for example 4. Your approach would be to have no 1. alcoholic, no 2. alcoholc, no 3. cup of tea, no 4. glass of water. How about doing it the other way round: no 1. glass of water, no 2. cup of tea. no 3. whatever you want, no 4. whatever you want.

You see, I know that for me (and it may not be the same for you), if I had 2 glasses of wine, I'd find it almost impossible to stop before the end of the evening. I'd also find it almost impossible to see more wine in the bottle and refuse. Or I'd increase the size of my glasses so that each was a half-bottle

I have on occasions managed to control my drinking and have just a couple, but it is such, such hard work for me. And then I 'reward' myself for being so good. And guess what the reward is?

I've been having a lovely day. I'm going to a trade show in a couple of weeks time and so I was getting all my 'promotional' materials ready. I have my very own stationery cupboard filled with all sorts of lovely goodies. Eat you heart out MsGee and Isindie

Hi venus, thanks for the suggestion, but... I'm perfectly capable of having the water, then the cup of tea, then the two glasses of wine, then another eight glasses of wine. :( My problem is not so much when I go out, it's drinking wine at home, so starting with non-alcoholic drinks wouldn't do a whole lot.

I just have to learn how to put the damn cork back in the bottle.

Ooo staitionery .

I haven't been able to post for a few days as Mum has been staying and heaven help me if she saw this thread! Also I tend to be last in the queue for the computer (after Ds, DD and Dh).

I did ok over the weekend. 1 beer on Friday, but 2 glasses of wine with dinner on Sat (ment to be 1), then 1 and 1/2 beers on Sun (ment to be 1 but at least I stopped 1/2 way through the second and poured it away).

Also I still feel terrible and have been to Drs today, he has given me ABis for sinusitis so no alc for 7 days (alc and sinusitis definately don't mix anyway, take it from me).

Well done to those who've stuck to their goals and take care those going through tough times.

Or not take it out theala

Evening All

Welcome theala
I couldn't ever manage to work out my cutoff point, I would have loved to be a ble to drink in moderation! But can't, and I am now, for the most part, very happily sober!! I don't think that I would like to drink today, I certainly could not stop at a nice safe sensible point, and so I don't drink at all.

mouse all very wise words on the bus for you my love, I have some horrendous stuff in my past, and felt that it overshadowed me, it is only in the last few years, and particulary in the last 9 months (a definite correlation for me between drinking and it) that I have finally managed to put it into a place where it no longer places a part in the way I feel about myself, and the way that I feel about other people!
I hope that you can speak to your GP and deal with it, although at the time it is not pleasant, if you can speak to the right person, and deal with it, it can be liberating. (hug) my friend.

Well - I took out my mood on the garden, and spent the best part of the day pruning, cutting back and hacking, all very therapeutic!!
So am feeling at peace with myself in the most part again.

Good day planned for tomorrow, meeting wantto or strawberry for lunch and shopping, so I will also get to meet her very cute wee baby girl!!

I suppose that I should think about what to feed the troups tonight, but am veering towards takeaway at the moment!
Have a good evening all
Stay safe
Bafana
xxx

Hi theala
Controlled drinking is probably worth a try to see if you can control it. Of course, you might well be like many of us here who discovered that we can't. You've reminded me how exhausting it was to live like that. It's hard to tell from your posts what you get from drinking? Or maybe you don't get anything from it any more. How do you feel about stopping completely? It's fine to answer that with "like you've suggested I stop breathing" - that would probably have been my honest answer when I first landed on the bus!
venus is your business the marrying people business or do you do something else as well? Thank you for your comment about my cakes - I think it's not so much the recession that makes people go but more the years of training I've put into my career, to "throw it all away". Maybe I could do both part time? Maybe I am, as my mum would have put it, in cloud-cuckoo-land?!
Mouse if you got a good therapist/ counsellor, they would probably talk you through how much to and what to tell your DH. Your head seems to be doing overtime - they would probably also be able to teach you some 'mindfulness' kind of stuff about keeping it in the present. I've never had a counsellor I could talk to before the current lady I am seeing, and my sponsor actually, unknowingly, does a lot of this sort of stuff, and then the counselling gives me a label to put on what she says! I am very lucky though, it's taken false starts and getting worse before it gets better and being forcibly parted from my black and white thinking. Thinking of you, lovely.
I am supposed to be ironing, so I will go and get on with it rather than procrastinating.

Hello babes. Just a quick one to check in.
Welcome Theala.

I'm sorry that some of us are having tough times with DPs. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said no one understands the mind of an alcoholic like an alcoholic.

I haven't told anyone I'm not drinking, even DH. I just know people won't understand. I'm tempted to make up lies to explain it, such as migraines, or a dodgy liver function test (to friends rather than DH), or trying for a baby even!

I think people (DH included) would agree that I need to not get drunk and be cripplingly hungover all weekend, but he would say "well, just have a couple". Thing is, and I'm sure most of you are with me here, I CAN'T just have a couple. Well, I can, but not often, and it's hard work, and it's only a matter of time before the next "session".

Phew. Anyway. I've had a good day following a lovely weekend. Feeling good, skin better, even those flaky nails are improving! Day 7 here.

Have a good evening babes. Tonight I will not be drinking.

Good evening lovely ones,

I am wondering what to write, and wondering whether to, as I have no advice for those of you dealing with painful things in the past.

I have had a couple of nasties, an emotionally abusive relationship in my twenties, that I thought I deserved because I let him do it to me. But years (and years) later, I have come to think that I loved the bastard and I was really young, and a really nice person, so it wasn't my fault. A very nasty when I was about 11, that coloured all my realtionships with men, any men, for a long time. I don't know if one ever gets over these things, but for my own self, a counsellor wouldn't have helped (I don't think) because I didn't want to think about it for a very long time.
There again, if I'd had proper counselling at 11, maybe I wouldn't have countenenced the bastard the horrid chap at 24!

Anyhoo, Dc1 is safely esconced at a hotel in London, until his house is paperworked! I was fairly tearful on Saturday, but ok. But, then last night, suddenly I wanted to drink (and drink), I poured a glass of red wine, and calculated what we had left in the cupboards! enough, I thought [shame]. I looked at the glass, and then wondered....was I going to or not, was I going to shut the kitchen door (washing up, don't you know!!) and drink the house dry, yes even the gin came into my calculations, and I had work today.
I didn't even think really, I went into the living room, and said to Dh "I want to drink the house dry", and he said "that might be not such a good idea, because you've got work early tomorrow, do you want a sandwich?".... so I had supper and a bath, and was so relieved this morning. Where does this come from? I don't know where I'm going with this, or if it makes any sense, but I just don't why sometimes it gets me like that, the feeling hasn't been so powerful for a long time.

Sorry for the mega post
love to all
xxxx

relationships not realationships, Freudian slip!

" I went into the living room, and said to Dh "I want to drink the house dry", and he said "that might be not such a good idea, because you've got work early tomorrow, do you want a sandwich?".... so I had supper and a bath."

This made me smile, I think because it's so understated but there is so much underlying emotion and drama.

Theala - for myself, recent events have proven that after a couple ofglasses I find it very, very difficult to not pour a third... I am working towards that and finding that for me, the best approach is to not drink at all 5 days a week and give myself some grace on the other two. The amount I can physically cope with before practically falling asleep is dramatically reducing. By this time next year I reckon I will be swooning even at the scent of a glass of wine . Well, it's a nice thought anyway.

I am now the proud owner of some very comfortable brogues...

MoP - well done for Day 7.