Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Hello ladies...

Was away for a week and then spent the last three catching up - this thread moves so quickly!

Hello newbies :) Glad and sorry that you've found yourselves here, but you will get the most fantastic support.

Just wanted to update you on my situation. Big changes have happened for me - good ones! Still two weeks til my tenant moves out BUT I have started a new job (with pre-babies employer) and the DC have started nursery and love it! I'm working 32 hours a week so its going to be tough when I go it alone but my employer is fully aware of my situation and has been really flexible wrt working hours and salary. It (hopefully) means life won't be too much of a struggle financially and getting out the front door in the mornings when we move out. I feel so lucky - someone up there must be looking out for me.

H is sulking today. Hasn't spoken to me all day and went awol for 4 hours this afternoon. Presumably its because I rebuffed his groping advances this morning and was compounded by me leaving him to look after our eldest DD (3) and his DD from a previous relationship (10) on his own for TWO WHOLE HOURS while I took youngest DD shopping. What a horrible cow bag I am to him, especially as he's "changed"... Pfff!

Good on you WDIM
Think he may well wake up and smell the coffee soon, but by then you will be enjoying a whole new life and the work will give you a bounce in your step - one nice thing about being back at work is that you can enjoy your own space as well as do something constructive at the same time other than the toys/food/nappies routine.

Um, can I rant/cry for a moment?
DS keeps asking for his daddy. We are back from holiday and he wants to see him. No contact is bloody impossible with kids. Before we went I spoke to ex and he said categorically he didn't want to see any of us as couldn't bear the pain. This was after threatening me with solicitors letters, court and mediation which I went to then he turned down as he would have to pay. Why oh why does he think it's ok to leave DS in the lurch? Am bloody fed up with him - abuse, cheating, suicide threats, threats of court and then bloody nothing. I don't really care for myself, but I do care about DS. Am all mixed up again as I can't trust him with DS after him being so bloody awful to me - gut instinct that he can't be trusted to be consistent and put DS's needs first.
Should I bother for DS's sake? Or let him walk away? And what to say to DS? Cross, sad rather than particularly angry

WDIM Yay! Cheering you on! It makes such a difference when you have RL people on your side in areas such as work
notsorted Can empathise as I know DD is missing x, brings him into the conversation etc. I dont know when he will be in contact again - would be delighted to never hear from him again but am sure that once he's back from his latest tedious weekend away amongst his fawning and deluded admirers - no doubt airing his "broken heart"- and he doesn't have anything to distract him then he'll be noising me up again. Sigh.

(Sits back and enjoys peace while it lasts)

Just back from night out with frieds (look @ the time!)

This is such an achievement for me, having spent a decade indoors, appeasing an idiot and doing what HE wanted (i.e nothing!) i still feel like Im achieving something with nights like these.

Being with people you like and who care about you/and you them is amazing and am posting this as someone out there might read it and know that
living on your own can be a lot of fun too!

Sleep well all, and don't let the bastards grind you down!

I've been lurking on the EA thread for a while now. Reading the other posters experiences makes me feel like something is unravelling in my head. I need some support to process what I have been through and hope u ladies would be kind enough to let me post on here.

I've spent the last 5 yrs trying to leave an EA relationship and have just realised that I landed in another in the process. This time there is a DC to think about and the new ex-do uses DS to control me.

I have been justifying his behaviour and making excuses for him, but the bottom-line is that he does whatever he likes irrespective of it's impact on DS and me and we land up taking the consequence of his action. I need help with coping mechanisms, I feel head fucked all the time!

Hi Mad
I'm up early too.

Something unravelling in your head is par for the course. I have spent hours trying to work out if it was me or him, whether I was unreasonable or not, whether I was abusive, had a PD etc etc. When actually I just needed to leave!

Why not try asking us, the MN experts on headfuckery, to referee when you are unsure? We have seen it all and can call it for what it is.

Bibi glad you had a good time and were still sober enough to spell at 3.45am. I went to one of my best friends Silver Wedding celebrations on my own last night. My Ex was there with his new GF to introduce her to all our friends, at my suggestion. All the gang had been primed by me to be friendly and welcoming to her (Because I am so grateful she has taken him on!!). But although I was being grown up and kind it was HARD to do. I stayed an hour then left. And a bit of me was thinking "what if they like her more than me? What have I done?"

More tea needed...

Thanks littlehouse. I guess the biggest red flag for me is that while I have not been in a relationship with ex-dp for over a year, I still feel like I'm in a relationship with him ( which is his world view that I'm buying into). I dont want to be in a relationship with him but he reels me in by claiming to be a nice guy when he does anything for the child. Being a single parent without any support nearby I feel ridiculously grateful for him picking DS from childminder occasionally instead of me having to do it everyday, as it means I don't have to rush from work exactly on time. trying to keep him on good terms to occasionally do a bit for DS means that he gets into my head. None of this may sound abusive, but considering that he doesn't work, doesn't financially support DS, does not support in any practical way and every offer of help is unreliable and subject to be withdrawn if I'm not behaving myself, it feels very EA. However, my last relationship (before ex-dp) was so abusive that I'm lucky to be alive making me take a very kind view of his doings. So am i imagining the EA?

I also recently called the police when he was Knocking on my door drunk at 2am. I had to work and do childcare the next day and can't afford to lose sleep, I asked him to leave but he wouldn't and I called the police who arrived very quickly. He got arrested for Drunk and disorderly. They asked me to charge him for harassment, but I didn't as I didnt want to get his back up more. Now feeling maybe I should have. :(

Btw, just checked my phone and there r 6 messages since morning from him saying he loves me, etc. But if he did would he let me have such a hard life while he relaxed all day long?

Hmmm You need to try to avoid being reliant on him for favours if you possibly can. It just gives him an opportunity to let you down or manipulate you. Could you maybe have a fixed system where he picks up DS on "his" days, and if he messes up it is between him and the minder? Or would that jeopardise the place? It would be better to try to get other back up if you can.

And the 2am stuff isn't emotional abuse it IS harassment and you don't have to put up with it. Your relationship with him is over, but he hasn't accepted that and is trying to use your DS to get you talking again. Does he have a drink problem too?

You need to sort out some co-parenting arrangements that give you some time for yourself while he builds a relationship with his DS. Without you feeling guilty or that he is doing you a favour.
How could you negotiate that?

He used to have him 2 hrs Monday afternoon from childminder. He no longer keeps that time after the police incident. He hasn't seen DS (16 months old) in 3 weeks and now the child will be very upset when he next sees his dad, I agree with your advice re taking favors from him, maybe I should get CSA involved as well, so he is contributing from his JSA. Ex-dp refuses to keep DS at times when it could give me a break as he doesn't want me to have free time (to meet anyone, etc). he in fact wanted to pick him one morning for 2 hrs so he could have control over my working life as delays on his part would have resulted in work related issues for me.

I feel like I'm with a predator and having to watch my back all the time.

He does have a drink and drug problem, Just to add context, the midnight drunk visit has happened 15 or more times before, but I haven't had to report as he left when I asked him to. This time he wouldn't leave and I had to get the police in.

Oh dear madreamer. Drink and drug problem, over a dozen instances of harassment?

The childcare "favours" he's doing you come at a pretty high cost, don't they? And they are a means of keeping a hold over you.

I agree with Littlehouse that you need to cut him off (as far as is possible given any parental rights he may have). His behaviour wrt the childcare is manipulative, and the rest is just incredibly harmful to you. Do follow the police's advice and report him for harassment for any unwanted contact you get from him.

Can I ask a really lame question? What do I report the harassment For? for disturbing me at night or for the huge number of txts he keeps sending me? Do I need to report when the next incident occurs or can I just do it? He doesn't have any parental responsibility for now. I'm concerned that He may ask for it if I claim CSA as then he would keep him for a day (without caring for him properly) and not pay anything. DS would be the one that suffered.

Hi Madreamer,
I know that feeling re being reliant on someone who choses when to offer support and when to withdraw.
My ex also doesn't work and lied all the time. I got told that I had to behave or else he wouldn't be around for childcare, he would go off with OW (which he did), he now doesn't want to see his DS, which is him punishing me through DS. It's a way of keeping you in his power so that you are grateful to him. I would go for CSA to get his £5 a week. It is a tangible sense that someone is making him responsible.
Can you take some time to rethink the childcare so that whatever he does has no affect on your work life?
When I was with ex he used to leave me hanging on during work hours and not let me know whether he was picking up DS. It affected my work as I couldn't switch off from wondering what he would do. It's a way of making himself seem big when in fact he knows he is actually weak.
This sounds harsh but think of a plan B that doesn't involve him at all? OK DS will perhaps have to have more childcare, but it's not your fault, it's his father's. You are a single parent and you have to survive, and flourish for the sake of your DS. I too didn't have any help and I kept hoping ex would shape up. If he does in the future, it will be because he choses to/gets some help. In the meantime, I am better off not having any expectations of him at all.
Keep posting, I do know where you are coming from

What do I report the harassment For? for disturbing me at night or for the huge number of txts he keeps sending me? Do I need to report when the next incident occurs or can I just do it?

Not a lame question at all -- don't put yourself down!

Unfortunately I am not in the UK so I don't have an answer for you; I hope another EA thread denizen who has experience of this will come along soon.

My advice would be to speak to your local police officers -- maybe a victim support officer if they have one, saying that you were advised by the police during the last incident to report him for harassment, and you'd like to know how to do that and what it entails. I should think that you having kept the text messages is very useful evidence, and you can certainly tell the police any past incidents you can remember: it's your version of facts after all, and they can take it down as part of your statement even if there is no remaining evidence of night-time visits. If they have a statement of yours like this on file it will be helpful to both them and you if you ever have to call them out again. That's how it worked for me (not in the UK) anyway: I was able to first make a statement without pressing charges (although the police wanted me to, but I just didn't feel ready for that yet), and then a month later when I did press charges they already had stuff on file. The fact that I spoke to them the first time also allowed them to flag my address and phone number for quick police response for any subsequent incidents.

Thanks notsorted agree they sound alike. I do have full time childcare to cover work, but it is always straight to work and back. I haven't had a night off or even an hour off all year and DS wont stay with anyone except CM (I was hoping his dad could be the other person). It feels unfair to ask her to help out so I can go to gym or have a coffee! I guess I'll just have do without until he goes to school! not the end of the world I suppose.

Thanks Itsme. They asked if I wanted a panic button in my place, but I said no.

I know it seems like a long time, but perhaps by the time DS is two or whenever you know he won't wake up and cry for you, then it will be possible to get a babysitter? Perhaps ask the childminder if she knows anyone? You could possibly get someone involved over weekends during the day, ie come round to play with you and him and then when he has got used to it, you could try going out?
I regret not throwing money at the problem and then being free of the twunt, but then again he guilted me by telling me I should be at home all the time. Don't feel guilty for having childcare to do stuff for yourself ... you will be a better parent for having time to yourself.

notsorted how horrible to be vulnerable thru your dc as well as financially to someone like that! Hope u r in a better place now I have to stop co sleeping with DS first as he wakes up if I'm not next to him. I'm going to get him out of my heart and stop hoping he will bail me out occasionally. X

Now. I (sorry!)

Madreamer I too rely on X to take DD for a few hours - or rather did - ever since he found out about new DP he is saying he doesn't want to see me. I could have written your post about being in a non-relationship. I was keeping him happy too. Now I am seriously considering telling him to formalise arrangements as I am sick of feeling that his taking DD is conditional on my "behaving".

I know what you mean about them having a hold over you through the dc. I am now a disbaled LP with 4 dc, two of whom have SN. I end up relying on Ex-P way more than is good for me, as I have no-one else that can cope with my sn dc. But it's all on his terms, and when he HAS helped out (like when I went to the dentist to get my tooth removed), He goes around telling everyone how kind he is to me, and asks (in a roundabout way) if we can get back together - in a 'look how helpful I am' way. Yet when we WERE together, he would NOT have looked after the dc for me??!! It all seems to come with strings, when I told him he hadn't changed, and I wasn't getting back with him, he started sulking.

Anything that doesn't fit HIS view of the world is ignored by him. So as far as he's concerned, he's changed, so I must take him back. Nothing else is acceptable, or even real! Yet when I tell him I'm not going back to that situation again, and he should have been doing this stuff ANYWAY when we were together, he just says "I know, I was a c*nt, I was stressed with work, and my Anti-D's had side effects that made me behave like that, but I'm better now I'm off them" (NO, YOU AREN'T, YOU JUST HAVE UNTREATED DEPRESSION NOW). He doesn't OWN his behaviour at all, and he always finds something or someone else to blame it on.

I am going to struggle this afternoon when he comes round to see DS2 & DS3 - I am in a really Bitchy, Sarky mood, and biting my tongue is going to be easier said than done, if he comes out with another of his comments about how he's changed and wants to get back with me. The only reply I can think of today is "I wouldn't get back with you if you were the last man on earth as you will not treat me the way I should be treated in a relationship, and there is no point in trying to 'win' me back - I don't want you in that way. I only want you to be a good father to your dc".

But that will put his back up, and he'll start doing stupid things like phoning SS if I do that. I cannot be that blunt with him because of the things he will try to do. So even though we've been apart for 13 weeks, I am STILL walking on eggshells with him. How do I stop? When I risk him phoning SS making allegations against me that they HAVE to follow up, same with DWP (he'll try that, too).

madameovary how old is your dc? I do wonder about the impact of such behaviour on our DCs self esteem. Id welcome opinions on the long term impact of such behaviour or the DCs.
loudlass your situation sounds really difficult. a persistent yet feckless Ex is the last thing u need! I wish another woman would sweep ex-dp off his feet and get him to forget about me (his pension plan).

I've PM'd you madreamer - not sure if it will be of any help to you.

there goes thanks for pm, I read and will reply shortly.

6 missed calls and 7 txts this afternoon. Does it count as harassment yet?

Madreamer can you just turn off the phone, delete without reading? Harassment is a difficult one - civil offence - I think. While it is deeply annoying, he is trying to get a rise out of you so any response is not good, even if it's to tell him to get lost. And perhaps, though this may sound counterintuitive, if he is thwarted in something relatively harmless, he may end up back on your doorstep, which you don't want. See how it goes for a day or so, or contact the police and see what they say.