Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

i dont think they can see it can they? i think mine is quite content living in a festering pile of debris

LittleHouse - lovely name BTW, I have a rule in this house. If it's not in the basket, it doesn't get washed. End of.

DH does the ironing because I physically can't.

My XP used to employ a cleaner. He was shagging her too.

Mine told the police and SS that the children lived in a shit hole. That his was the only area of the house clean. We have a mother's help in 5 days a week. How can the place be a shit hole?

Please tell me that what I'm feeling right now is a normal part of this hideous process.
I almost feel unable to speak. I feel dazed and stunned. I feel very very fragile. Like I'm just about functioning on a physical level but inside, inside, I'm empty. My heart feels like it wants to burst out of my chest, my breath is shallow. Is this some sort of panic attack?

I desperately want someone to give me a hug.

I feel that I've gone almost as low as I can go. I feel like giving up

bigbuttons. Ex-P has done that before, and will do it again to me. Tidy the house before their next visit, and they'll leave you alone.

It IS a normal part of the process. Don't let his vindictive lies to SW's get you down - YOU know it's not true, SW's will see that too.

Don't give up - you are doing this for a better life for your dc, and you WILL get there.

again.

Hi littlehouse, thanks, glad I'm not the only one! I wonder if he would employ a cleaner if we went?! How bloody childish this all is. I would expect this behavious from a 17 year old not a 38 year old :(
I did buy a few bits and bobs mainly to get my maternity bag ready (nearly 34 weeks!)
Bigbuttons, I felt like you over the weekend, honestly, I just feel better this week because he has been at work but now its the weekend again.
Is it just us who doesn't look forward to the weekend?! (hug)

Hi to you all and all the newbies.
I joined in back towards the end of 2nd thread and just back from break.

Not all sunshine but I felt I did some ordinary grieving iyswim ie not coloured by the fear, anxiety, gut-wrenching on my knees stuff of how did I support all that abuse, why did I try to manage it all and think I could be good enough to keep a lid on his anger/godawful behaviour.
Read Women Who Love Too Much as well. Was interesting for the co-dependency issues though a lot about alcoholism.

Buttons of course it is normal for you to feel like this - you have done nothing but your best for this loser, and he has waved it all away in one contemptuous action by phoning SS.
You are in a state of shock because everything you have built up over the years and worked hard at, is being called into question. Your parenting, your housekeeping, your behaviour towards him (which is NOT abusive, of course it bloody isnt!)
But most significantly it has been taken beyond the relative restrictions of the family unit and reflected back at you, and you dont recognise it. Where is the patience, the effort, the boundless love, the tireless effort to keep going in the face of all his twattery AND keep your dignity. It must be like a slow, painful, continuous slap in the face.
If you want to appeal and need some help or just support, PM me. Dont worry, you're not alone. x

notsorted glad you are making progress, though I know it doesn't feel like it at the time! Each release of emotion helps I find.

Buttons I hope you take great pleasure in showing SW on their next visit that he is making it up. I feel like you do sometimes. I think it's shock. You should be shocked by his behaviour. He has behaved despicably, he has betrayed you.

boxedin I must have missed the fact that you were pg. And so far along! Congratulations. But having to pick his dirty clothes off the floor I bet the last thing you want to do is to deal with his crappy behaviour.

I started the Freedom Programme today! . It's in another region and this one has a creche, so I can go. It's a fair old journey, but I'm just delighted I can go. I also spoke to the police today about threats H made last week. I'd been agonizing over what to do about them - too scared to do anything for fear of setting him off, too scared to ignore them, not sleeping properly etc. The police were great and the officer I spoke to agreed to keep them on file and won't do anything unless I have to go back to the police again. She suggested telling H this, to make him think twice about a repeat performance. It feels like a victory.

TGTF, that sounds good and taking steps about the threats. Would be great to know how the programme goes.

Buttons, take care of yourself. Take deep breaths and try saying a personal affirmation out loud in front of a mirror. I was totally sceptical but there is something about not being able to keep two thoughts in your mind at the same time so a good thought replaces a bad one. Try something like 'even though x is hard, I am strong/coping and I love and accept myself'. You have to try for a few times as often as you need it - like having a fag or a chocolate or whatever you do to cope in a difficult situation. Do it as often as you need it.

I did some normal grieving when I was away and woke up today crying, thinking about the crap time when DS was born. Me PND, him abusive, all the fear but oddly I think it was normal crying not the utter despair and hate, anger for the waste, stupidity of why someone wanted to destroy everything. I think I may have turned a corner. I am not totally felled and will get on with ordinary stuff today.

I began posting in June and didn't believe I could ever get beyond anything. But the fear isn't so overwhelming now. I can see that there will be light eventually. He is the loser, I'm starting to survive.

Hi, y'all....sorry for butting in but have just had a "lightbulb" moment and had to re-register on MN so i can post without himself 'accidentally' seeing.

Why has it taken 13 years to see that he is the problem and that my problem is him??????????????

thought I had a brain cell or 2, apparently not .
He is an emotional bully, we have 4 children and I used to be in a caring profession ( seems to be common...need to be carer??)

Feeling stupid and yet elated that penny has dropped. Found links very helpful.........can't see myself walking away...but is there a way of making home a 'safer/better space' for me and the kids??

Much love to those who are wandering in the gloom of abuse too.......stay strong!

fool, How to go about making the home better and safer for you and your DC without YOU walking away?

Making HIM do the walking.

You have to ask for a divorce and mean it. as long as there is no risk of violence.

yes risk of violence. have just talked to brother in law who is wise and probably a good ally now I have realised what's really going on........maybe I'll end up as you suggest but need to work things out first, my head's spinning!

foolonthehill the only way you will make it safer for you and the kids is if you and the kids do everything his way all the time making allowances for his ever changing goal posts. No one can live like that without being damaged..

Get him out!

Thx He is away for the next couple of weeks so have space and time to sort myself out a bit.........

OK, it's OK, you can do this. There is no immediate danger right this second, so you need to breathe and out a few times, and just sit for a moment or 20!

Your goal is to live happily, contentedly in an environment that is healthy, and positive for you and your DC.

Do you have that now?

NO. So what needs to happen/be done to achieve that.

Either he goes or you do.

If there is a risk of violence, then YOU need to be the one to get yourself and your DC ready to flee/go to a safer place. If there is a record of violence AFAIK you can apply to have HIM removed from the home. If you own the home and are married, you are entitled to half of it's proceeds, you may not be able to force him to sell it, but you can put a charge on it, so you get your half whenever it IS sole. You can potentially even stay in the house until the DC are adults/have finished education, but you'll need advice to establish your options.

Speak to WA, speak to CAB, find out your options and entitlements, that will give you an idea of what you are playing with, and also will help you understand what resources you can call upon. Once you have that structure in place it's a lot less complicated. Your BIL is on board, that helps enormously. You need RL support!

If that is you and your DH is away, then that is the perfect time to engineer this. Can he go and stay somewhere else? a parent nearby etc? Sure it's shit, but so is living under threat!

foolonthehill what kind of support do you have aside from brother-in-law?

For example:

• do you have a RL friend who you can talk to about what's going on and how you feel, so that it doesn't have to be your secret anymore?

• do you have someone whose doorstep you can turn up on day or night with your dc if ever you fear violence?

• would you consider speaking to the DV unit at your local police station for advice, and to flag up your address and phone number in case you ever have to make an emergency call?

• can you consider contacting women's aid, either just to talk if that's what you need right now, or to ask about specific practical problems (such as advice on your financial and legal rights, and information on shelter for you and the DC if you want to move out somewhere secure and secret)

• do you have a family GP you can talk to about the physical and mental toll your marriage is taking on you?

thanks, I am just making a list of resources and people and options ( any clues here as to my personality type????!!!!! and trying to work out what is possible and necessary and wanted...

i can see that many of you have got to grips with your various situations and made good decisions. i want to make sure that i make good ( not necessarily comfortable) decisions for all of us...4 very young children to consider...husband with narcissistic personality disorder, one son with particular needs and a long term future in the balance.

Add into this my own issues around faith and promise-keeping and you will see maybe I need to make more baby steps. I think also that I am struggling with the ?delusion? that everything is my fault........

good advice re various options puppy and hissy I am carer for his parents (who are a bit loopy but no NPD!!!) and my mother has breast cancer...mid treatment at the moment so slightly reduced options.....

soooooo tired but little glimmers of hope.

Keep reading the resources at the start of this thread, fool, keep talking, and keep asking for help from those who can give it to you, and you will get there eventually, in the knowledge that you have made the right decisions for yourself and your DC.

This doesn't have to be a flashmob exit. This is ideally a well thought out, well planned and understood withdrawal.

It's better if you DO plan tbh, better if you do think it all through, question, challenge, and (internally/MN) discuss the reasons why you are taking this decision. The calmer the decision, the more strong it's foundation.

None of us that left did so the second we ought to have done! remember that! We all did so in our own time when we were ready to do so. Even those that fled in an emergency were ready to get up and go.

This is your life, your family, your decision. All we can do is help you talk it though, support you, chide you and put you back on the path to normality if needed.

thanks, have been sorting out a few of my emotional issues ( need to be needed etc.) not helped by sudden phone call from DH all sad and worried and lovely (grrrrr). Why do they always do that when you're just on the road to emotional detachment?????!!!!!!

Links here are excellent...but wonder if my hubby would place me in the emotionally abusive slot???????? OK I know, all my insecurities out on display!! ...feel over-responsible .....

do any of you struggle with this??

Dear fool
yes, I've struggled massively, wanting to sort them out, wondering if my responses were signs of being abusive, thinking ok I can manage this if I do x or y. It is a total mindf*. It takes so long to get out of the fog - forgiveness, obligation and guilt. Of course you feel like this because you do have the capacity for empathy and self-reflection and instead of immediately pushing the blame on to someone else you are also looking at yourself and your behaviour. That is because you are normal and have healthy responses to emotional difficulties. Take time. If you are a list person (and it sounds like it) read, plan, set little goals for yourself and your DCs. Be selfish ie think about your needs and that doesn't mean riding roughshod over his, but don't give in to the emotional blackmail. Keep posting, keep asking.

yes fool; I think my 1st thread on here was asking whether I was being abusive....

Ive seen loads of threads of that nature.

I think its part of the package...

weare conditioned to believe that everything is our fault and nothing is their fault

mmmmmm....ever felt that you are looking in a mirror and seeing things for the first time???

I always assume that if i had said something different/ handled things differently then the outcome would have been different...he says that i am devious and manipulative for trying out different ways of dealing with situations .....