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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

998 replies

MadameOvary · 30/08/2011 15:31

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

OP posts:
Phoenixx · 22/09/2011 13:04

Anyway.. little update from me. I went to see the solicitor at the Womens Centre and she was great, specialises is domestic abuse. So the plan for me and my kids.. get out of the house as soon as we can, I have applied for a council house and because of the abuse situation we are classified as homeless so hopefully wont have to wait too long. I have 3 weeks with knobbo off work to contend with now so wish me luck, last time we separated he joined a dating website and took great pleasure in ringing up girls late at night and chatting loudly so I could hear him.. that was when I caved and got back with him :( That WILL NOT be happening now I have you all to vent to, so glad to have found you all :)

foolonthehill · 22/09/2011 13:15

puppy I'm so glad you "get" the name!!!!!!!

reasons welldone...welcome to the rest of your life...and when the adrenaline falls off and you have a bad day/week/feel lonely and ask the forbidden question (am I really better off?) go back and read the stuff you wrote and say YES!
Lundy is here along with Engel and Chapman: at home kids are having a nap...maybe Brew and a page or 2 if I'm lucky??

welcome zany to the thread that takes you from deep pile virtual bean bags to inner child psychotherapy and beyond..................you wouldn't believe it if you hadn't been here!!

Have a choc chip cookie everyone

foolonthehill · 22/09/2011 13:18

phoenix vent away...and if they will take him off your hands/out of your head....wave wildly and with a big grin send him off out of your heart life.

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 13:27

The Bradshaw stuff is too much to do alone, but no harm reading the book. Just don't do the exercises alone.

I have to say that reading Bancroft again, I was stunned at the way that waht he was describing was narcissism. And yet he thinks that very few actually have PD's. Maybe it's a question of degree?

Toddlers are the ultimate narcissists though aren't they?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 13:45

By popular request, Melanie Tonia Evans has been added to the list of links that will grace the start of thread 5.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 13:55

I'm unlikely to find an inner-child therapist where I live.

I'd like your opinion thisis: Could I read the Bradshaw book, so the exercises, and discuss with my therapist what the exercises dredged up?

Ie. is there a way to use the book without going off the deep end.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 13:57

Oh, and prettydarnsorted, could you post the link to the exam for adults on your emotional "language"? I am intrigued.

notsorted · 22/09/2011 14:15

www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-languages-of-apology
There are tests for love etc there too.
Aww thanks for that. If you knew what I'd been thinking when I walked up the road to get script for next lot of ADs then you'd think differently. Stupid, stupid dreams and a thread of if I'd have done differently then Dr Jekyll would be coming home. I still love the fing b* Sad

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 14:15

I'd read the book. I'd definitely start to communicate with your inner child. To do this, get a big piece of paper and some crayons or pencils. Then just sit and be quiet with a pencil in your NON dominant hand, and see what happens.

Sometimes it takes a while for the inner child to be brave enough to come out. When she does, you can write back to her in your dominant hand.

My little me, used to hide under the sofa, she was very, very scared, no one loved her or wanted her and she was terrified that I would go away again, leaving here all alone under the sofa. Invisible. These are the things that she told me. It makes me cry even now. Rightly so...it's so sad!

That poor little creature. You can see how it would change the way you relate to your children....profoundly.

I started to draw...a lot! The stuff that came out was extraordinary. The therapist pointed stuff out in my pictures, for example, that "mother" always has her back to me and has no face, the only one with a face is a very scary witches face that is green. I just looked at it again...It's terrifying!

I think this stuff is fairly safe to do, because your own psyche will dictate the pace.

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 14:17

Yes but sorted...it's all him. His problem. You couldn't have reached him, there is nothing anyone can do, except him.

Yes I love my h too. The difference now is, that I love me too.

notsorted · 22/09/2011 14:21

Was also thinking about my inner child in an abstract way and prompted by your mentioning the sofa had flashback to the sofa in my childhood home - can see it clearly now. Also remember bad patch when I started university and walked around thinking I'm a fraud they'll throw me out if they discover, the stuff I'm saying is not what I actually am. It was extra weird because i was learning a language so it sort of came out from another bit of me anyway. Ha, spent all my time in the library and came out with a good degree.
Am worried though that I might go back literally to hiding behind the curtains.

bigbuttons · 22/09/2011 14:22

right then ANOTHER amazon order for me then. Nearly finished 5 love languages for kids got to start on:
How to talk to teenagers
respectful parents respectful kids
5 love languages of teenagers

maybe if I spent less time here I'd get more reading don....
Oh and now I've got the amazing melanie tonia site to plough though!!! Well it's all for my children ( need excuses to feed my bad amazon book buying habit)

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 14:25

Thing is sorted, that when you coax her out from behind the curtains, you will be kind and warm and tell her it's ok and you will not hurt her. That you love her. She may not believe you at first, but like with any child, gentleness and love alwyas get there in the end.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 14:32

Heh. I've just been sitting here with a pencil in my left hand, and what came out after a lot of scribbles is a drawing of our long-dead family cat (he died when I was 12). He was a lovely large orange long-haired mongrel, who was always dignified and self-possessed and gentle. I have always placed him as number 1 among the formative "adults" in my life, followed by my grandpa and my uncle. My parents don't feature in the list.

It emphasises what I was reading yesterday about how the "Lost Child" in a dysfunctional family will often focus their love on a pet rather than another human being. And just look at my username ffs!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 14:37

This may belong in Stately Homes rather than here. Apologies.

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 14:39

My word...it's going to be like that scene at the end of close encounters where they leave the scace ship...but it will be all our lost inner children coming out!

It's astonishing what comes out. You can see how it might reawaken quite distressing things.

xxx

thisishowifeel · 22/09/2011 14:39

It probably is a stately home thing, but it all counts eh?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 14:41

Yes, the whole: "My parents were so crap that I looked up to my cat" thing is pretty distressing...

bigbuttons · 22/09/2011 14:42

puppy I think both this thread and 'stately' homes are very much linked. If you were in some way abused/neglected as a child then it will have knock effects. In our case one of those is to have low enough self esteem that we allowed ourselves to be hooked by these twats. Other people will have had different fallout behaviours.
My narc mother was an is obsessed with dogs. She actually calls them her children ffs. They sleep with her at night etc etc. She once had a family portrait done with her and her long suffering partner. Was I in it? No it was the bloody dogs.
I have always felt I played second fiddle to the dogs. You see the dogs are obedient and easy to control. The dogs don't disappoint her.
Personally I prefer cats!
Must do some left handed drawing later today.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 14:57

Yes buttons, I do feel that this thread is a gateway to the Stately Homes thread. It certainly was for me. I'm always surprised not to find more of us on it!

My parents' behaviour towards my puppy is very telling. My Dad will slobber and goo over her, delighted to have a non-threatening creature who shows him love, but once he was walking her (without me) and when she picked up a tissue off the ground and didn't drop it, he panicked at her disobedience and hit her.

My Mom hasn't decided whether she wants to win the puppy over, or dominate her. So she buys her loads of toys, and talks about how the puppy respects her more than it respects my Dad, but also talks about how the puppy is "a headstrong little miss" and is adamant at "winning" any game she plays with the puppy.

In short, they both act with her exactly as they did with me. Needless to say I no longer let them interact with her. Soon I'll be able to protect myself from interacting with them too.

Your post does strike fear in my heart about me becoming like your mother, though! I don't have any children, btw, and consider my puppy a "tester" for whether I have the adequate balance of nurturing and consistent boundaries. (so far A++ on the nurturing, but need a bit more of a firm hand with the disciplining).

notsorted · 22/09/2011 15:00

Mmm we always had cats ... on that sofa I can remember being ill and having a terrible headache and burying my head in soft cat fur. Yup I had two very special cats. Last time I ever stayed at home was first term back from uni and my cat was dying of FIV. I only ever stayed once in family home again. I used to get cross with ex and say well not matter how dysfunctional his home and parents were at least they still existed, knew who he was and could string a sentence together.
I've never dared look at stately homes. Should I devote the evening to it?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 15:06

Burying heads in soft cat fur is the best! Smile
Even just thinking of it is my "safe place" when I'm having an onset of anxiety or self-hatred.

Stately Homes is a lovely place, reallyalotmore sorted thanyougiveyourselfcreditfor. Dip in whenever you feel like.

foolonthehill · 22/09/2011 15:49

Lundy...WOW....who knew..........ok well most of you obviously!!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 15:51

Have you just devoured the whole book in the space of 2 hours, fool?
Shock

How are you feeling?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/09/2011 15:54

I read Lundy 10 months ago now.

There are two passages from it that are seared into my brain, because they were the ones I needed to hear most at the time:

"He's not abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive"

"If you don't have any children with your abuser, keep it that way" (I was desperate to TTC after a MMC)