Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Oh tell me about the crisis thingy, that is one of the things that hurts me the most, DS 1 lost his Dad in very tragic circumstances and 'it' said it was ridiculous the length of time I was upset for and it was too much for HIM, pah! I had a pretty nasty condition with my eye a few months ago, lost most of the vision (temporarily) in one eye which I was very distressed at and not once did he ask me how I was or offer any emotional support, he left me feeling very neglected and guilty for feeling neglected. It is so sad that there are so many of us in the same boat yet very comforting to know I am not alone and all this sorry mess is NOT my fault

What a busy day for tickets! Hello phoenixx, occasional thread clown and ticket issuer for the train to the far side of fuck, compulsory connection to fuck off some more.

There's spare (standing) room in total loser class - suitably uncomfortable on the loooong journey and def no buffet cart!!

Consider you're own personal knob jockey ticketed and thrown aboard as of right now.

Good link btw, just had a read - and was reminded of the utter callousness when I was ill as well. Actually thought i was going to the big train conductors meeting in the sky once and the fucker laughed hysterically at my fear

Anyway, i digress again, good that you've found your way here - as D:ream used to sing 'things can only get better'

Bibi I think I love you :-P

Just seen you cooking STEAK for the nice man LittleHouse - he must be very nice indeed if he's getting that

Ha, you wait til I barge in here at the weekend phoenixx, leaving drunken love messages and then demanding sympathy for the hang-over the next day (single party person nowadays you see :)) - bet you won't be loving me then

hello phoenixx

I read the freedom prog book a while back and didn't feel it related to my situation in the slightest. That's so odd. Why would I think that? I mean I had read Lundy was all raring to find out as much as I could. Seems odd.

barbie I get the numb stuff. Punch drunk more like. My twat also leaves me to deal with the kids all weekend. The only thing he'll do is taking the boys to football training and matches BECAUSE HE LIKES IT. He does not engage with any of the others apart from a stupid glib/patronising/inappropriate comment as he passes by. Of course they get upset with him and he then gets angry with them because he has a right to say what he likes in his own house and they have no right to get upset with him.
He's so sexist.
Today I asked my nearly 12 ds if he wanted to go roller skating next week. Twat said that rollerskating was for girls. I said that was rubbish, it was for anyone who wanted to do it and saying it was for girls was inappropriate and sexist. He's ALWAYS making these 'jokey' sexist comments.

Being homophobic, as all these twats are, he's made a joke out of 'gays' so now even my 4 year old ds will shout " you gay' at his sibs. FFS. I have told them they are not to use it.

Dear Phoenix,
stuff of no emotional sympathy - my parents who were really ill. Dad died, had to ask for a cup of tea and basically no I'm sorry, do you want to talk about him. Another death of good friend in horrible circs, someone else in intensive care. I had to beg for time off from DCs to do the decent human thing for those close to me. He asked for doctors prognosis for person in intensive care ffs . Basically if it involved my family it was a no to any help. Oh and no bloody sympathy for me post caesarean and another health problem. His comment was I'd gone a bit mad after my dad's death to explain his failure to cope with new baby. I had to arrange the funeral etc, etc. A RL friend's mum died in the summer and it was odd looking at her grieving because I realised I had never had the space to grieve. I just didn't let it show as there was no point and it would have been dangerous and just another stick to beat me with for not coping.
Mmm I suppose it's the numb thing too. I covered up so much because half the time I kept thinking I was going to break down in the park with the DCs and kept thinking you can't be crying in public. I was always on the verge of tears. I've got that under control now. Yes I feel sad and if I do have a cry it is over and done quickly. When he was in and out of our lives I could spend an entire day pinned in bed crying myself out - I used to have to leave the table at mealtimes so as not to cry in front of DCs and had older one getting cross for me always crying and toddler asking why are you crying mummy, don't cry. God I never, ever want to go back to those days.

I really do belong to this exclusive club! I keep thinking it wasn't so bad and I am exaggerating and my H never meant any harm and just wants to be loved. Then I read the thread and remember stuff I am suppressing.

Stay real, don't do denial LH!

Bibi he is so NICE he deserves petting!

I was just thinking that same thing LittleHouse (not about the petting :)) just about belonging here and remembering so many things with each post from all you courageous people!

Outrageously painful stuff you've had to endure notsorted :( and buttons.

needy message alert
you know that latent period i noticed...not any more we're back to mind boggling, throwing, swearing....all the usual

...liked the idea of tiger taming...off to get whip and stool and glamorous costume...sorry burned jam tarts...planning chocolate muffins tomorrow...big pile for all those who can't eat real food 'cos their guts are so tied up in knots from doing the "double think mind twister back bend" of living with twat who should be well on the way to far side of fuck in bibi's lovely uncomfy bus. Extra chocolatey topping for those of you who have managed to ditch said twat, and double double choc for all of you whose minds are exploding with the RIDICULOUS effort of untying emotions/thought processes/finances/lives to become the lovely normal caring human beings we are meant to be........

love you all

Dear Fool, so it goes. Right take a big bite of a chocolate muffin, look up at the moon/stars/ceiling and deep breath. Repeat after me, under breath:
"Even though his behaviour is complete twuntishness, I am going to be calm and serene" and so on. Or whatever phrase suits your needs best. Go and stand in the bathroom look at yourself in the mirror, breath deeply and say it outloud if you can. But have a positive statement at the end not a negative or say something like I am calm and strong until you feel it. Smile serenely eat more muffins and enjoy bath. Detach, detach, detach. Let him throw his toys out of the pram as often as he likes, but don't be in hitting distance.

Standing waiting for dinner to cook and just can't get the thought out of my head just how much it takes to even be discussing the things we do.

To have he guts to look, really look at our lives and recognising what is happening/ being done is really amazing.

So many just follow the austrich approach in life, head in sand, knowing something is very wrong but not able or willing to search deep inside and admit what's happening is so wrong.

It's a wonderful thing we all found/are in the process of finding our way to happiness and freedom from control, tyranny and all the rest of it!

Good idea about the extra twat bus btw fool (can't put full name, damn prediction won't let me)

Twat, pusshead, knobjockey, arsehole bus will be collecting from all areas from tonight - to connect to the train to the far side.

See their faces, once twisted in anger, derision and hatred looking at you through the window of the bus, now white with the terror they inflicted for so long.

As you give a cheery wave and heartfelt 'good riddance'!

amen!

Munching muffin, waving imaginary twat off on the bus with a big grin, coping with real one, cuddling children who are amazing.
buttons they all know where the gold is in your house and they will always appreciate you

preparing to stick head in sand whilst wielding tigertamers whip and dreaming of dramatic exit (of him) stage left...will it ever happen...maybe...fancy my own little house by the sea......

notsorted calm, calm, calm...so right, and you so need a new name...!!!!

one day I'm going to turn up here as "nowhereman"

barbie. Wanting to touch you, give you a smile,peck on the cheek-I used to not understand that either-especially,something nasty first thing in the morning and then after work- as if nothing happened earlier.I don't think shows of affection are so significant-more mechanical to keep the wheels oiled.

'And give us today (and tomorrow and for all days) our daily strength to kick these arseholes back to the hell they came from'!

Last thing from me - I used to have a private 'our song' from quite early on (to have an actual 'our song' was of course a total no-no with ex)

It was my immortal by evanescence - the line, 'but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along' resonated with me so strongly, then and now.

Should have paid attention to that, it was so true!

Enough of my teenage song choices, sleep as well as you possible can everyone and tomorrow is another day on the road to forging the best life we can.

Gute Nacht!

Books don't necessarily chime with one's situation.

I have a new copy on Lundy coming today, as the first couple of times I read it just didn't fit my situation at all.

I think that my h is more profoundly damaged and mentally ill. There is no sense of entitlement whatsoever. Housework always 50 50, no problem regarding money at all. He doesn't sulk. He works incredibly hard, diy gardening everything.

He projects his mother onto me and literally acts out scenes from his childhood. That's the problem, thats what casues the abusive stuff. That isn't in Lundy Bancroft as I recall.

The last three nights I have been woken in the small hours by thieves trashing the boarded up pub on one side, and a phoe box on the other.

I am terrified. I am exhausted as I can't sleep. I am completely alone and isolated..no one comes here, no one, none of the women from school, or friends from before.

I have done all the "right" things and I am now completely alone. I feel like I am in solitary confinement. I am now more unhappy than ever. There's nothing left.

thisis, sweetheart, you are not alone. You have your lovely DC, who you do wonderful creative things with. You have your own rich and beautiful soul.

(and us)

I know the feeling you are describing. It is so painful to be alone, to feel fucked up and fucked over by life through no fault of your own. It makes you wonder if doing the "right" thing is really worth it.

It is. You are unhappy now, but I'm sure you can see that you can only be happy if you are true to yourself, painful as it is right now. And it will get better: you will find the strength to go out there and be your true awesome self and enjoy the world as you were meant to. Enjoy it for your own benefit, because you deserve it.

Regarding the fact that your friends don't call on you: can you assiduously reach out to them? Suggest they come over, propose activities, boldly invite yourself to whatever they are doing?

Anyone up for going on an ultra-supportive and ego-boosting rescue mission? I'm going to be away from the computer re: work but I feel so sorry for this woman; her self-concept has been so skewed.

Back from horrible school run. In tears. I feel I have let my DCs down by not being able to bear more, stop more be stronger. Older one is shouting at me and behaving really badly. It's partly due to terrible summer, but also because ex barely spoke to her except to tell her off. She doesn't understand how someone who was nice could just switch.
DS keeps saying 'I want my daddy, I like my daddy'. I just don't understand how anyone could want to hurt kids as a way of hurting me. Yes, he knows what he is doing. I didn't toe the line and accept the lies, the selfishness, the utter unconcern for bringing up the children and for keeping the house in which they live safe and loving. I f*ing hate him. I hate him for not being big enough to sort his own problems out. All I can say is that OW is welcome to try and I would never be with a man who doesn't see his kids because he cannot deal with the pain his behaviour has caused.

thisis I do know how you feel. You are not alone, even though you feel that way.
When you go through the horrors of abuse you ability to function socially simply vanishes. There is the confusion and exhaustion and a sense of horrible isolation.
Sometimes I am so worn down and tired that I don't want to socialise. That of course coupled with the fact that most other women you might socialise with will never have a concept of what you are going through, that in itself is isolating, being with someone but being alone because you cannot talk about your experiences.That in itself is very isolating.

I made a friend at school last year. I was so pleased to meet her, we and the kids did loads together, even went camping in the summer. She was my first proper friend for years, certainly since I'd been with twatface.
When things kicked off over the summer I realised that when I talked about stuff it made her very uncomfortable. She didn't offer the sympathy and hugs I so desperately needed. There were no phone calls to check I was ok, no questions in the playground as to how things were going. This makes me so sad .

I have another school mum friend whom I told recently all about my twat's behaviour. She used to be a lawyer and has worked with women in my situation, so she understood. It was interesting that she said she talked to twat when he dropped ds3 off at a birthday party on Saturday. She told me if I hadn't have told her about twat she'd have thought he was the most lovely dedicated father in the world at first, he talked the talk. Then she said she was talking to him and she could see in his eyes that he couldn't care less who she was and what she was saying.
Do you have any local DV drop in groups locally? There is one in my area and I'm going there tomorrow, just to check out what's available, support wise, to find people I can talk to who will understand. that's what you need right now, women who genuinely understand.((HUGS))

notsorted you have every right to feel crap. He is a low life bastard, they all are. The kids suffer horribly because of these arseholes, horribly. All you can do is make them feel completely loved by you. They will take their anger and confusion and hurt out on you, of course they will. Mine are doing that to me BUT and this is a big BUT I have been working hard on meeting the anger with acknowledgement and love. It takes it out off you but it bloody well works.
I read the "5 love languages of children" and that has made the hugest difference imaginable. I know I keep plugging this book. I do wish every parent could have a copy.
It has enabled me to show them love in a way they understand and feel. Now when they get angry it is for a much shorter time. Behaviour is much improved.Performance at school is improving.
I was angry, for years, fucking livid and of course they were too.
((HUGS))

notsorted, it's OK. we all feel like that.

This is his choice and the kids will see it. It's hard for everyone. His affair, his abandonment and abuse affects you all, and it'll take a while for everyone to heal. You will also heal differently.

You can get help from Child Psychologists via the Doctors perhaps, call the HV if you need to talk it through?

This will pass. I promise.

What I meant to say was that it's important your dd can let her anger out and important that you spend time with her talking about how she feels and acknowledging her emotions. `then you are the rock for her. You are the never ending source of unconditional love whom she can trust completely. No matter what her arsehole father does you are there.
When mine are confused, angry, raging, insecure. I hold them, hug them and tell them over and over that I am here. I am a rock and no matter what comes our way I will stand strong and they can hold on tight to me. No matter how angry they are, I am here always.
So if I'm sounding preachy here. This has really worked for my kids this last month. I realised they were bloody terrified. NOw they are coming out of their shells. They are more helpful and confident, better behaved, more compliant and much much less angry with each other. Having witnessed disrespect daily either from twat to me or twat to them I have had to teach them how to be respectful and gentle. How we should talk to one another, Good ways to express feelings and that we NEVER say something to deliberately wound another, never.
Right I'll go off and do some cleaning!

I encouraged mine to ring childline. DD has done so on a couple of occasions now. I listen at the door. She has said things to them that she never said to me.

Check out Stately homes for my dolls thing that I got from inner child therapy. I find that helps loads.