Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

lol @ the 8yr old resin! needed that laugh today! :o these twats really are something else aren't they? if brain's were dynamite, they wouldn't have enough to blow their noses with!!

misspixie - i know you shouldn't be the one who has to leave the house, but what if you stayed at your mom's for a short time to get your head on straight and look into your options? The group people have talked about is here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and you can search for what's on in your local area. Women's Aid might have some local contacts as well..

I am so angry today, I wish my ex would piss off and leave me alone!
He set up a fake Facebook profile (even used a random gys photo) sent me messages flirting with me telling me how good I looked. I knew it was my ex because he used his existing email address!! Hilarious!
Anyway...the point of this exercise was to get me to respond and start acting like the slut he thinks I am!

When this did not work he sent my family messages telling them how mentally ill I am and how I attacked him and nearly killed him!

The funny thing was my nan nearly pissed herself at how pathetic he is.

But it made me so angry!! He is getting on with his life and won't let me get on with mine! He thinks he can still control my life!

Argh!! The cock!!!!

puppy sorry about the confusion. But these twats are all the same bloke anyway, your twat, my twat, makes no odds

crafty how bloody annoying just ignore him, don't react, hard I know

Yeah....Jeeeeez I don't want another one!

:0

crafty: but you are getting on with your life! And he can't stop that -- although he wants to. You go out there in the world and be awesome!

I am angry today today too, every time I have to see X I get a physical reaction - sadness, anger, headache. I am so fucking pissed off that he is acting the hurt one. He wont speak to me either. It's not fair. I'd be happy to be civil. Does he think he's punishing me for finding someone else???

I am angry also because I am stuck in the phase of being furious that I gave body and soul to him and he just threw it back in my face. I know its a phase, I know it will pass but I am beginning to understand Hissy and her "preferably angry" mindset a bit better now.

I am also confused...I dont regret leaving him, in fact I'm proud of myself. I could never go back. I suppose I want him to get over it because if he could be civil to me I wouldnt feel like this - it's keeping me somewhere I dont want to be.

It must just be a part of grief I suppose. And worse because it reminds me of my father, who rejected me and will not speak to me. Actually he probably knows that. Bastard

So.. spoke to the head at school who suggested we have a chat. When she called him, he agreed he wouldn't come to school if it's not what I wanted and she reported this back to me. Then.. he sent me a text saying he's spoke to the head and he will be coming to the school.

Think that's what drives me most nuts about this - everything is so bloody slippery. Nothing is ever actually agreed. All words are changed and twisted. It's like living inside the looking glass. He's making things difficult in a way that makes me look like the unreasonable one for not sitting down and having a discussion. Gah!

He sent it by text, eh? Then you'll have evidence to show the head teacher precisely who is playing games here (if evidence is needed).

He's just on the wind-up by the sound of it, though.

What I said to XH was that nothing is agreed until it is in writing and has been seen by both sets of solicitors.

Yep, text. I've refused to speak to him any non-recordable way since he put in the calendar that I'd taken littleDD without his permission - 2 hours after he texted his permission. I've been through more than enough roundabouts.

Just wanted to say: what a bunch of wankers.

So fucking useless to the world that the only way they can make a place in it for themselves is by being fucking nuisances.

I mean, look at yours, butterflybee : the only thing he's got in his pathetic non-soul is to dick you around. And mine, with his 8-year old bloody epoxy! How pathetic can you get?

I don't care if this sounds smug, but: It has to be really sad to be them.

I am so that every day, there are several more people posting in Relationships who are patently being abused - many of them in quite dangerous situations.

On just one sub-section of just one internet forum for an already narrow community!

FFS.

(Hissy! I think I've found my anger now! )

Hi everyone, just thought I ought to check in to reality after I have found myself not feeling anything again, when he does shite things. Am I crazy to think that his flying off the handle whenever we're in the car is enough to make me not trust him? That he can make me feel guilty for not doing the housework at the weekend when I have spent the whole weekend sorting kids out and he's been IN the house? Am I crazy to think that I haven't cried for years because I don't feel anything any more?

The thing is, I feel crazy because he, despite his aggressive, negative and pretty spiteful behaviour, he still always wants to touch me, or a smile when he goes to work, or a peck on the cheek, even right after he's treated me like an unfit dog.

How can he want to touch someone he hates so much? I certainly can't touch him. I think the end is very nigh. VERY nigh. Best get out while I still hate him. So much for being reasonable. The minute I feel content enough to be reasonable it's all turned upside down again and I stop hating him.

Puppy, it comes to us all. I'll be here for all of it, and when it passes again. You know where to find me!

Freedom programme was good.

40 odd minutes to get there, the same to get back. an hour and a half
90 mins of group. So THREE FFING HOURS for 12 weeks out of my life, and for WHAT?

All because some c*nt wanted to get off on being all powerful, destroying me to make himself look and feel better. Wonder what he's doing as I drive 40 miles on a monday afternoon?

part of me wants to call him up and tear him to pieces for making life so shit with him that have to do this.... but then that'd feed his sick little bastard ego wouldn't it? Oh and of course I'd be abusing him wouldn't I?

So I won't.

Group meeting tomorrow and my diary has gone >poof< so I can make it after all.

Emotional numbness is a symptom of abuse, barbie, and a coping mechanism. It is above all a sign that shit is wrong and you feel trapped in it.

YES abusive rages in a car are dangerous and frightening and unacceptable.

YES guilting you about housework when you have been working for the family is manipulation and control tactics.

YES it is crazy-making to be treated like shit one minute, and then be expected to act like everything's rosy the next.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. You are very, very sane, as these are the emotional reactions of a sane and healthy person. He's the nut.

Wonder what he's doing as I drive 40 miles on a monday afternoon?

He's being an arse, Hissy, as that is the only thing he knows how to be.

You, however, are growing. 40 miles at a time!

My ticket clippers are working over-time for you all today! @ these bloody idiots.

barbie: him kicking off in the car?- THE BULLY/THE JAILER: Scaring you, Trapping you - this is to stop you going out with him/driving or discouraging you from involving him in your journeys. This is to force you to do as you are told, OR ELSE.

Berating you for not having done housework? KING OF THE CASTLE - believes that it's your responsibility to wait on him hand and foot and provide him with a comfortable environment on his terms, without him actually contributing anything toward it

Always wanting to touch you - SEXUAL CONTROLLER/KING OF THE CASTLE - he sees sex as his right, he sees you as his possession.

the crazy nice/nasty? HEADWORKER/THE PERSUADER

You need the Freedom Programme, you need to see this www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

Hurrah, Hissy. Glad you went. Enjoy that drive each week. Nice music or whatever in the car as you sail along into freedom. Just think about each white strip on the road flying under your wheels and it's another step on the way to being you again and every good thing you will be in the future!

Dear MO, know what you mean about being angry re not getting on to sane footing with ex ... just concentrate on what you know about yourself. Think he is taking up too much of your headspace ... do you bump into him often?
And here's me still in limboland wondering if ex will try to exercise his PR any time soon. I wish he could sign it away. But as counsellor says 'toddler' 'unhealthy'. You are being responsible and thinking about long-term consequences, he is not. Ho hum going to treat DCs to something nice this afternoon because they are worth it

Thanks Hissy. Just because I stay away for a while doesn't mean anything's changed or happened, good or bad. One day though, it will.

That freedom programme thing is great HH!

no turning back now barbie!

Hello lovely ladies, its taken me a while to read through your posts but I did it, you are all inspirational amazing people. Its seems a bit weird to be saying I am emotionally abused but here I am, me and my twat or 'it' as we like to call him had being going to Relate, he was so good at manipulating me into feeling like our problems were my fault I suggested going to Relate, after a couple of sessions he decided it was a load of rubbish so I went on my own, I managed to open up a bit more and told her more about his behaviour and left the session being handed leaflets about domestic violence and for the Womens Aid centre, I was reeling to say the least. I have read the Holy Grail that is Lundy and 'it' is the water torturer mainly but there are so many traits in the other abuser types I recognise. I have also found a wonderful website which I have not seen mentioned on here www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm She describes knobbo to a T. Anyway he actually physically threatened my 14 year old son the other night which was the straw that broke the camels back, so I have an appointment with a solicitor at the Womens Aid centre to see where to go from here, ie divorce. He has left me in an absolute financial mess on top of everything else otherwise I would have scooped up the children and left a long time ago. Hope I can make some friends here, I usually have a sense of humour, it seems to have failed today, due to lack of sleep ;-)

Dear Phoenixx,
welcome aboard ... Bibi will be along to issue tickets to very different destinations for you and your stbex.
I just read the site you mentioned. Mmm, yup it's my ex to a T too. Have a look at Hissy's mrgood-bad, as it is a useful checklist to monitor his day to day behaviours and how they differ from what you would expect from a normal committed partner.
One thing that came up with my counsellor today is how when anyone is feeling attacked/under threat/insecure we easily revert to basic emotions which has helped alleviate my lingering sense of also being partly to blame the "why didn't I rise above it" feeling or "I admit some of my behaviour is not something to be proud of either". But I suppose it is in response. My conversations with ex used to start off ok ie can I do x or can we do y and then he'd point blank refuse, explode, stonewall, or punish me afterwards for even raising the suggestion. I would sometimes retaliate and lose it.
One of his classics was always having "man flu" or some ailment. When I was crawling down the hallway dizzy because I had flu, he didn't help. If there was a genuine crisis in my family he was never, ever there.
Anyway post away, we have empathy aplenty, humour, anger, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if we haven't got very far towards it yet.

Puppy I am astounded. Was my emotional numbness just a defence I adopted over years of living with the H? I thought I was a repressed boarding school survivor incapable of feeling anything.

I went to therapy because I felt like an ice queen! He told me I was unnatural and devoid of emotion because I was abusive to him.

You have given me a key to another bit of the puzzle!! Thank you so much.

< LittleHouse happily cooking steak for the Very Nice Man>