Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Grrr... oozypushead has sent email accusing me of Pavlov conditioning our daughters and then text saying he will also be at school / nursery to pick up girls and has called police to 'log my breach of our interim arrangement' (which was me saying I would try his idea of 50/50 contact back in end June until I saw our 2yo &4yo were horribly traumitised by it - first time they were gone more than 2 days - and saying what they seem to handle is 2 days per week). I called the police myself and they said they can't do anything if there's no court order in place.

For f8ck\s sake. I'm full on in anger mode at the moment. Any practical tips?

butterflybee you took the right practical steps. Well done. On the emotional side: detach, detach, detach. Yes, he is a wanker. He will always be a wanker. Your anger won't change the situation; it will only ruin your mood. Try to think: "There he goes, being a wanker again! How not at all surprising. But I am satisfied that I am doing what is right, so nothing he says or does can affect my peace of mind," and letting go.

Re whether to term your relationship abusive to outsiders: I do. With gusto. Because I want people to see that it can happen to normal, regular, bright and seemingly sorted people that they know. Abuse doesn't just happen to "other people". I believed this for too long. If my aunt, for example, who divorced her abusive husband 35 years ago had been open about the real reason, I believe that I would have been either harder to fool, or at least I would have found it easier to get out, having had a model of someone else (who I admire and adore) who successfully left such a marriage.

Re the virtues of virtual food: NO! It's not so! Every time you ladies mention yummy food I go and make myself something similar . I have been frying bacon and having it with hot buttered toast with jam today. I used to do that with novels too, whenever the protagonists tucked into anything. I guess I just don't do vicarious food enjoyment.

On a slight tangent, I have just been threatened with physical harm by the owner of a dangerous dog. She has a man dog she can't hold, and was therefore angry at me for having a happy, sociable dog who approached hers. This made sense in her head, it seems. Since she was cross with me, but also telling me to attach my dog because

This seems to me to be totally parallel to ex's "it's your fault, you made me angry. it's your job to make sure I don't lose it.", followed up by a threat of physical harm.

I am angry and shaken, and wondering whether to inform the police. Pros of informing police are that something may be done about a dangerous dog who's owner can't hold her. And, for me, I feel very strongly about standing up to bullies now, and clearly demonstrating that threats of harm are not on. Cons are that she is clearly not the mos gentle sort... , and things could escalate and get nasty.

I've posted for advice in the Doghouse. But I wanted to flag this up here, because I am dealing with a real life situation, post-abusive relationship, that my therapy is supposed to be all about: how to delineate and protect my boundaries. How to deal with bullies.

Mmh, tricky situation (and horrible to experience no doubt)

The mindset and behaviour of the owner with the large dog suggest that whatever you say would be water off a ducks back.

Plus with that sort of delusional thinking the chances are she would make trouble since you're the unreasonable one (in her mind)

I can fully understand you wanting to stand up to bullying wherever you see it Puppy but sounds like you'd be better off ignoring this woman altogether (if its possible)

If you're forced to encounter the bint every time you walk your happy little soul then you might have to say something though.

Probably a very lily livered attitude of me to have

Butterfly - agree with Puppy - you're doing great and carry on detaching from his insane ravings

butterflybee can you adopt Madame Ovary's tactic of seeing his words as just noise? Blah blah blah there he goes again trying to wind me up and annoy me? Not actually engage with the content. Just repeat "All arrangements will go through my solicitor" or whatever... and don't get drawn in to debate.

Puppy maybe you can rehearse your response to Dogwoman and practise it as if you were really saying it. But not in real life because you feel threatened. Then if she gets aggressive again you launch in and call police etc? Or am I just being wet and you should call her on it now? I would be scared to... tricky!

I'm trying to just have the words float off of me. I guess I'm afraid that he will actually turn up at the school.. what do I do then? Anything said I've checked out and feel more ok about ignoring.

Also - thanks for the approval Me&MyPuppy. Had no idea how much I needed it until it was there! Much appreciated and seems I really need to start working on having confidence in my own decisions..

For your dog disaster, could you log the incident with the police without pressing charges? You'd have backup if this isn't a one off and it would give you more time to think about next steps..

Hi everyone, in floods this morning after him making me feel like crap, he's a shitbag why do I put up with it? saving money bit by bit for my escape plan, just wish I could wake up one morning & have everything in place. He let ds out the car this morning and let him run to me even though he knew I had somewhere to go, I actually do hate him, HATE him! apparently this morning whilst Ironing Dd's uniform I was being lazy!!! stupid cuntbag excuse for a waste of oxygen space!

butterflybeesorry your ex is giving you such grief. When I have to see my ex, before he starts, I think here we go, bullshit,blah,blah,blah.

and breathe....... misspixi yes they are complete and utter c*nts. My twat does stuff like that all the time. It used to really really upset me, now I know he's a twat and that he will do it. It does annoy me and I hate him, BUT it doesn't annoy me like it used to iyswim?

Yes Pixie, he is all those things. It's got to be unpleasant to still have to deal with him every day.

At least he is doing you the service of demonstrating just why you are gearing up to leave!

it made me cry because he just let ds run into the street so of course i'm the one that looks like the dysfunctional parent to everyone on the school run because they didn't see the twat round the corner get him out his car seat and let him run to me!!! my mum comes back from her holiday today, tempted to ask if we can stay for a few days just to give myself some breathing space, he needs to know it's not acceptable & that I won't stand for it! was meant to be at an exercise class right now!

Dear Misspixie, staying at your mum's sounds like a plan. It will be a step further away from him. It shows him that he is not the most important person here. It will be another step forward. Meanwhile, take comfort from your leaving plan and looking forward to a life without him. Can you confide in your mum at all?
Oh puppy I know what you mean about practising your new found techniques. Ex so out of the picture that I can't judge how I'm getting on against standing firm in the face of his twuntishness iyswim - would be a yardstick of some sort. Meanwhile have vague stirrings to start getting out into the world of men again also to test myself. I'm no way ready for a relationship but I'd kind of like to see what they are like when your redflag sensors are functioning a bit better

notsorted yes I can, the only obstacle being she is in a 1bed flat. But then I'm thinking why should I move out? we've been through this before why he's stayed in the house on his own until I grew a backbone. need to find it again, i read about support groups on here a lot any idea how to find out where mine are & if they can help me with getting a new house for just me & the DC's, we're quite low down the list and they weren't in a rush to give me one last time I was on my own x

Practising new techniques. I was in Sainbury's car park, loading the shopping into the boot. Man passes me and says..."You ladies, you don't half do some shopping". I stood up to my full height, shoulders back, tits out and said. "what a VERY rude man you are!"

He was quite shocked. Laughed my head off once in the car. What a wanker! How fucking dare he, or anyone make such sexist and personal comments, and clearly feel perfectly entitled to do so! Twat.

Similarly, dd has stated choir at school. The choir is run by....let's call her Gertrude. Gertrude has taken the music class at the high school depping for the regular teacher, and was extremely horrid to ds, saying his work was rubbish. it wasn't but that's not the point, since when do teachers speak to kids like that. She's not a qualified teacher, she was just standing in. Both H and I were furious about this. This was last year some time.

I was recounting dd's experience at choir to h, partly because of what had happened to ds. I referred to her as "that Gertrude who runs the choir" as opposed to any other Gertrude...and OFF WE WENT AGAIN! Apparently, I am disrespectful in my use of the word "that".

Disrespectful my fucking arse! I pointed out very calmly that defining me as a disrespectful person, when he knows full well that I am not, was in itself disrespectful to the point of verbal and emotional abuse. A small example, but an example nontheless. I also realised that he has always done this, to EVERYONE! I pointed out that it was a sorry way to attempt some sense of superiority.

And then ended the interaction completely.

All this talk of deliberate and intentional abusive behaviour, I think in this case is wrong. I honestly think that it is such an ingrained pattern, (all his family do it, actually, so do my family) that it is simply the default setting.

Anyway, Gertrude managed the situation with the ongoing bullying, exptremely well, and THAT was actually what I was saying. Perfectly respectful. At least I don't watch that pile of disrespectful shite the x factor, which dd was allowed to watch on Saturday. Not happy aout that, but hey ho.

OMFG just got fax from ex's lawyer listing the items in the house that he still feels he's owed and is claiming. This not only includes things like DVD boxsets that I bought, but also stuff like an opened 8-year old tube of epoxy resin.

Still soooo entitled. And still soooo cheap.

What a twat.

What an actual sad little stupid twattish man.

8 year old resin! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! That is the hallmark of sad twattishness!

Thanks for the hearty laughter, thisis. I'll laugh along with you now. Anger and disbelief had been my first reaction.

What a cock he is.

8 year old resin ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

But it IS funny! It's hysterical! And the tube is OPEN!!!!! Jeez, you couldn't make it up!

I actually do think that laughing at their nonsense can help to put it into some kind of context of normality. I mean, who in their RIGHT mind would even remember having an 8 year old OPEN tube of resin? Let alone paying money to a lawyer to ask for it back! Bonkers! Seriously, "can i have my ball back miss?"

Puppy that is priceless!
I'd be tempted to add "You forgot about the tube of KY Jelly, that definitely isnt mine"
or just add it to the list without saying anything

Well I reckon it's quite normal for a twat to remember an 8 year old opened tube of resin. All they think about is themselves and what they need.
What a sad little man your twat is thisis, to fill his little head with old tubes of epoxy resin. If he wasn't a twat I might feel sorry for him.
My particular twat is obsessed with stock rotation of fruit and counting items of food in the fridge

He's my twat, bigbuttons, but I'm happy to offload him to thisis or anyone else!

Yes, he also did fridge policing. Including banning me from using leftovers for my packed lunches (wtf?).

Is epoxy resin like glue? Can you find the ruddy stuff and take the lid off or loosen it considerably so that it is rock hard and useless when you dutifully return it? He's made my day, the cock. He truly has

dried up resin! nutty mcnuttinator.. glad you can laugh at the rediculousness of it.