Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Stumbling in late and half-cut after impromptu night out with neighbour friends (the handiest nights out :))

Hello craftynickers, glad to see you've found your way here

Nothing useful to contribute in this state but I am compelled to vomit these updates of 'happiness and nights out' in the hope that it will give someone (possibly) lurking and reading hope that there is life after these twats.

Goodnight all and have as good a sunday as is possible. Bacon sarnies at mine when I resurface. Mmhh, in that case, Brunch then..... :)

Beautiful post, crafty, thank you! How lovely to have your own friends (that sounds crappy, I hope you know what I mean.)

Am rather jealous of you, Bibi ... have a nice hangover

Morning all

I am rather smugly sober and un hungover today so will put on the coffee pot while bibi is snoring upstairs and we wait for her famous bargain bacon sandwiches. You can have some of my banana bread.

I had a lovely time yesterday out walking with the Very Nice Man. He had a torrid time as his Ex treated him badly then left him for a pensioner so his confidence is low. We snogged in a wood out of the rain, then drank tea.

It is interesting after three years of therapy and self awareness how easy it is to spot someone else putting themselves down, taking too much responsibility for others actions and feelings and generally falling into all the traps I was prone to.

It was lovely just being with a kind person who enjoyed my company and had no agenda. They are out there!

Welcome crafty it's nice to meet you. Do you take sugar in your coffee?

Morning. I am back from an invigorating morning jog with the pupster.

Oh puppy sober and exercising! That is cause for smugness

I remember reading a thread ages ago about the after effects of therapy and how once the scales have fallen from your eyes you cannot fail to see these things. It is a bit disconcerting seeing people acting out the roles in front of you: Abuser and victim, alcoholic and enabler, personality disordered etc.

I think just watching and offering gentle support or the odd quiet question is enough unless someone asks for help. I tell friends about the wonders of MN if I think they would enjoy it.

Yes the banana bread has walnuts in. I seem to be getting my cooking confidence back. The ex stole that, HE was the special cook, I was just the everyday caterer.

With regard to what you tell people, I wouldn't in general want to use the A-word because it's kind of dramatic and may imply certain things to people that you don't necessarily want to say. When there are no bruises, to use the word "abuse" seems hyperbolic to some - although I think that is wrong, and would like to reclaim the word in all its degrees of meaning, you don't have time to correct wrong impressions when you're chatting over the shopping. It has a place in a discussion with someone you know pretty well, or a context like this thread where we all understand where we're coming from. You need to admit to yourself that's what it was, because it jolly well was, you know. But you don't have to go around trumpeting about it like it was a badge of pride, any more than you need to go slinking around like it was something to be ashamed of. Nowadays I don't tend to say XH was abusive, outside MN or closest friends/relatives, but that he was a pain to live with, and that's enough. Quite happy to supply details if they want to talk about it any more, but mostly they don't!

However I wouldn't keep quiet about it, exactly, either. Some poor soul may be the next sap to date your ex. If you told her something wishy-washy like "we just don't work well together" or "we're different kinds of people", she will get a horrible shock eventually. You wouldn't want that on your conscience. Up to her if she wants to believe you.

I agree Annie, as long as you admit the truth to yourself it doesn't really matter what you call it to other people...

That said.... I go for transparency, get the truth out there, (knowing that it'd horrify the X ) and let the chips fall where they may... you are with me or not. My words shock you into avoiding me? better I know now rather than think to rely on you later and find out you will bail.

I do tend to say that X was controlling and it was very unhealthy, and then if they haven't got their running spikes on, I may say the A word.

Welcome crafty! glad you made it! your enthusiasm and energy will be great for this thread!

Morning Everyone
No hangover here except from lack of sleep. NM was up last night and it was niiiice. Unfortunately after he left DD didn't let me get much sleep.
So I am crabby and sleepy and a bit meh. Had shit dreams too that I am trying to shrug off.
I could murder a a bacon sandwich if there's any going

I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? Whatever I say you would be wise to do, in reality I go on and on about every minute thing about XH and everything that ever annoyed me. And I do do it to strangers too, when I "break out". But when I'm in control of myself I do it like I think I should be doing it - as described above. (Last time I had a rant about it to someone I didn't know well was in a shop, where the fellow told me he thought I should get back together with XH. He didn't know either of us, he'd just found out through chatting that I was divorced. I gave him the lowdown for the next 20 minutes and watched his eyes roll. Mind you I think he deserved it. But that was about a year ago and I've mostly been good since. Except on MN. And to my sister and my email group. )

Good morning, any banana bread left? Mmm gorgeous.
I met friend yesterday and her DSs with mine. Wandered around town - lunch, library, park. It was lovely, especially since she confessed she found weekends difficult as it's family time.
My cooking is still suffering as I can't be bothered to cook proper stuff for me, but it is getting better.
Welcome crafty

LittleHouse - "The angrier he got the more he pushed me to express his anger. because he NEVER got angry, he was a Nice Man." Yep, that's us too. There are a few times it would get to the point I just had this sort of primal scream - must have been incredibly confusing and upsetting for the children. That's before I started to learn how to detach and just stop the loop. Even if it was quite far into the loop when I managed this, at least it didn't (doesn't?) go on forever.

And.. food tastes much better now I've moved. The oozingpushead complained about just about every plate I put in front of him, unless someone else was there, and it got to the point I didn't feel confident in my own cooking. I am a good cook! Not always, but most of the time at least!

Lady - I say something like "I just couldn't live with him any more" unless they're fairly close to me or they start asking more questions. They I start in with controlling and critical and see where it goes from there, what type of response I get, how much I feel like talking at the time. I often say I tried everything I knew how to make it work, which is more than true. I probably talk about it more than I should but am currently feel like I need this to figure out what happened & how to keep it out in future. I was quiet about it too long.. This is something i'm thinking about too because I don't want to badmouth him unnecessarily, I don't want to get stuck in bitterness myself and I'm conflicted about what my girls might overhear about their dad.

Plus - I'm another who went out last night.. Dancing! Yay! Just waking up now! Not hung over though, thank goodness. Was strange to see how men are just really unappealing at the minute. I am assuming that's protective as I'm nowhere near ready to start something new. Keep em out, I say.. except the lovelies that are making you guys happy.

At least you aren't minimising and in denial like me. I did enough of that while I was still living with him. I have to remind myself how strange and mindbending it was when I am feeling kindly disposed to him. How he neglected me and let me wear myself out running the house and caring for our DC as well as my job, was passive aggressive, gaslighted me, shouted at me in the night, made me cry and cry for hours in the car, and accused me of abuse when I had enough and snapped. And then I tell people "He's a lovely man but I couldn't live with him any more". NO he isn't, he WANTS everybody to think he is a lovely man but he is NOT. He is damaged and selfish and unkind. And I am taking the blame for the break down of our family because he couldn't possibly be responsible because he is NICE, dont you know?
Arrgh.

Bibi are you up yet? Some people here want bacon!

Welcome crafty.
Any bacon sarnies on the go yet?
I'm sitting in the car having dropped the DCs off for contact. Feeling a bit shaky and tearful. Sometimes he just gets to me for no apparent reason. How I hate having to see his stupid face every weekend.

theregoesthefearI know that feeling so very well.butterflybeeI lost interest in experimenting with food, trying new things, when I was in my relationship. Now, I've started to get into cooking, trying out all the stuff I've never cooked before (in addition to good, everyday home cooking); enjoying it. I lost all that in the end before.

Littlehouse - I've got my fair share of minimising / denying. "He's got a good heart" is one I pull out more than it deserves. A lot more. Please don't knock yourself.

my head hurts!! Help yourselves to Bacon Sandwiches (at ) last while I rest my pounding head on the table.......

Morning All!

Bacon sarnies yay! And i'll have one sugar in my tea sshhhh dont tell slimming world

Hi Hissy glad to see a few familiar faces.

After a vry good nights sleep im feeling a lot better. Last night he caught me off guard with his stupidity. Now i am just laughing at his pathetic games.
I have read a few posts where you are talking about what you tell people when they ask why split up with the ex. I have been open and honest and a lot of people have ignored it and dont believe me but thats ok because they only see the nice side of him.
The people that matter in my life believe every word I say, they have seen the change from being me to being very withdrawn and not myself at all. They all knew what was happening, maybe not to that extent but they knew he was controlling me.
So...my point is you will be surprised how many people will have suspected something. He slips up every so often and shows his dickhead personaility abusive side to people.

Mmm, I told people sort of. I told his mother when he attacked me as I believed it was because we were not coping and I was scared. I wanted desperately for someone to come and intervene and try to help us. I remember her saying 'I only saw a little bruise' True it was a small bruise but the emotional pain and absolute fear. Oddly when I went to counsellors when we were still together trying to fix myself so that I felt stronger to be able to cope with a moody, unpredictable b, I didn't tell them as I thought they would tell me to leave and I so wanted to make a go of it. My heart breaks when DCs talk about him and I can't even say if he will reappear in their lives. I don't know how I'd feel about seeing him again really. In a way I'm glad there is distance at the moment, but feel he is still controlling me by causing DCs pain of uncertainty. How, how can he not want to sort himself out and try to be a father? How can he just walk away or put his needs first? Well it's par for the course of a totally f*** up sod. I am waiting to see if OW sees through him in the end. And I hate being blamed as being half responsible for the dysfuntion in the relationship. My one dysfunction was not giving up on him and kicking him out.
I have talked to some friends, particularly as I was always on the edge of tears and needed to let it out. It helped but now I am more cautious mentioning 'psycho pants' as one friend calls him. I don't want to be the depressed drip around friends all the time. I want to practice being strong and sorted in the hope that it will come naturally in the end.
Ps just worked out how to do emoticons ...

Hi!!! Still here when i can get to the computer (poor old luddite household)

Still minimising , still trying to make it work...in reconciliation part of cycle and everything in me says "oh well, it's not so bad" but of course it is. Professionals keep trying to persuade me to make plans and to go....but sooooooooo many children. so little energy.................and he is away for lots of the year anyway. Clarity is a ship far off on the horizon.

Good to see you girls round the bacon butty table....can I bring the jam tarts for tea time??????

PS: Telling people...never used to...now i just can't stop [Blush], I need some sort of regulator.....been lucky though....everyone seems utterly unsurprised and supportive so far! Was it only me who couldn't see????????????

Dear Fool, you sound a little shakily resigned to it all ... it's the recovery mode after the last big shock. Take it easy, bring on the jam tarts and a warm sweet tea.
I think only you can be in a relationship and only you to an extent know what you can bear. But don't shut your ears to what everyone says, make plans or try out probabilities in your head. Just detach, detach, detach and put up those boundaries, be strong and call him on unacceptable behaviours. If you have to live in a cage with a tiger better be a tiger trainer and a damn good one. He doesn't stop them snarling and lashing out but you know how to best try to prevent them mauling you.
And don't worry, wherever you are at no one is pushing you to do more than you can do. If we pushed too hard and didn't support you we would be as bad as the abusive twunts Be unlike them we have your best interests at heart. (((hugs)))

Oh good is it tea time already? This thread is getting a bit fattening!
I have been shivering on the side of the pitch while DS played in the rain. I could do with hot tea and a jam tart or two.

I don't think it is possible to go faster than the pace your heart will let you. I was still in denial for a year after I recognised the relationship was dead. But it took me that long to slowly accept it, make a plan and then suddenly leave.

In hindsight I was processing everything, going to counselling, giving H a chance to behave decently instead of saying "I love you please don't leave" but going on being a shit. Then I knew I had tried everything and could go with no shame. And my DC are not tiny either.

Fool there is no hurry if you are safe. Just keep reading and learning and adjusting your expectations upward and you will know what to do!

Restaurant Bibi is all out of Jam Tarts but hot buttery crumpets and tea/coffe/hot chocolate are still going strong :)

Can I just say 'poor me'! still feel rough as a'holes. That'll learn me......

Bibi keep up Fool has brought the jam tarts! Although hot buttery crumpets do sound good. At least virtual food has no calories!

Not much sympathy coming your way, it was self inflicted . There are people round here who are feeling bad because someone else decided to give them a hard time!

I know, I'm a shellfish sort these days

They say that your mind can't tell the difference between a real and an imagined holiday so perhaps it works with virtual food as well? :)