Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

toast the little fuckers, it helps a bit.

I have one of those hand held mixer thingies, and it comes with a small pot/knife attachement to do herbs not this brand, but the pot on the LHS of the pic is what I mean touch of water IIRC

Good for you LittleHouse!

I can't for the life of me ever imagine going to tea or anywhere else with a man ever again.

URGH! Boys.... URGH!!

Ooh, sounds lovely LittleHouse!

Like Hissy I hate all men on principle at the moment, but if a nice man were to ask me out for tea... well!

Good for you.

It's way past my bedtime.

Night night, ladies!

x

Morning all, am sooo sorry to have missed the cosy-beanbag fest but so touched that you kept a beanbag just for me!
(wanders around necking leftover maltesers and pretzels, stroking all the beanbags)
Aaaah, still a lovely atmosphere of bonhomie in here.
Am laughing because I do actually have beanbags on my floor, two cord ones and a full length one

As for where I was last night, sadly nowhere interesting, just in my bed at 9am. Wasn't feeling too good yesterday, a mix of sleep deprivation, Autumn onset and having to see X to hand over DD. Even though he doesn't speak to me and it lasts about a minute it still affects me.
Have you seen the thread about people who affect you physically? That's him. He gives off such massive waves of rage, pain and misery that just a brief sight of him makes me feel quite ill.
Lovely DP had taken me to the shops earlier so I had some good stuff to balance it all out, but I was out cold from about 9.00 to midnight, which was when DD woke me. She never sleeps through the night.

ANYWAY, feeling a bit better today. How are you all?

Morning Madame we missed you last night

That is very interesting I must look for the thread.

My Ex sort of leaks sorrow reproach and pain. I have to fight not to feel responsible for him and his feelings. That is what kept me locked in for so long.

I have a lovely DD who can "read" people without words. It is hard to hide any feelings from her. It makes me understand how fortunetellers operate, and how people can claim to read auras.

What do you think you radiate? I am usually warm open and happy unless I have to get close to Ex when I become withdrawn anxious and defended.
I can feel it happening within minutes as you said.

I'm off out to hunt for tahini and aubegines!

Sad I missed the party! It looked lovely. (Plops down on something Royal Blue to snooze like a cat in the sunshine.)

My ex would shake with rage, practically spitting out his words and deny he was angry. Apparantly I was the only one who got angry in that house, with huge amounts of disapproval any time it happened. And yes, I would come back from being happy out in the world and within 10 minutes of his presence I'd be a squished little sponge dunked in the mud. It always amazed me how fast he could kill any energy or positive feelings I had.

Denying rage is interesting isn't it? It must go back to childhood.

I always quite enjoyed my temper, was almost proud of it as a child being able to intimidate bullies and people who hurt me. But it got out of control when I was being pushed to act out all H's rage for him. The angrier he got the more he pushed me to express his anger. because he NEVER got angry, he was a Nice Man.
Now I am heartily ashamed of myself and don't like that angry version of me and have looked long and hard with my therapist at where all that anger came from. Of course I have a gentle loving mum who Never Gets Angry...

The good news is that so far I seem to have left it behind and am easy going and cheery most of the time! Now I only have myself to be angry for I don't seem to need it.

Anger..........mmm..........I don't really get angry, thanks for pointing that out. I say I am angry to my friends but I don't feel it really. Just numb.

Can I ask if anyone tells the truth as to why you split up to friends / acquaintances? Ex is ranting that I shouldn't tell people why we split up........"you going round telling everyone I'm an abuser?" bla bla bla?

I think I have a right to. But realise it is a risky strategy. What does everyone else do?

butterflybee I wrote of "my bouncy optimism slowly dissolved" one time I'd asked him to meet me at midday and he was ten minutes late - I went outside and he was smoking a fab. He'd arrived late and hadn't texted to tell me as much. He lived five minutes away whereas I'd come across town. Twat.

I'd split up with him but wanted to negotiate one last time (facepalm).
He is quite extraordinary in the way that he can wake up a room and deliver a fantastic performance that gets everyone talking and animated, yet could plunge the atmosphere into sub-zero temperature when he was in a mood. Of course few have seen that side of him

LadyBlahBlahI am thinking about this question myself at the moment. I feel alot of anger because of the past and resentment. Hate feeling angry, but, for me, it's a step on from being 'in love', and it does give you energy to get things done. Hope to leave it behind though.

takecare I so wanted to leave the anger behind but the only way for me was to feel it utterly, let it invade me, feels its texture and colour and smell, accept it and let it soak me. Then like overnight rain it just drifted away and hasn't come back.

I have done the same with sorrow and longing. All things pass!

Lady questions are encouraged here.
it's your truth that is important. Abusers will never accept they are abusive (shrug)
That said, there are a few people I wouldn't describe the relationship as abusive to, I'd say "I didn't like the way he behaved towards me" or "he was disrespectful". It's up to you really.

Lady I just smile and say "I'm not going to say anything bad about him. I just couldn't live with him any more."

In our small town we are both well known and liked so it is easier if friends don't have to take sides. I imagine speculation was rife in the beginning. But people don't really care as long as you don't embarrass them.

Morning all - went to check on the cats last night (snoozing on the bed) and next I knew I was asleep too. Relaxing little buggers they are :)

Thinking on the 'spreading feelings' topic atm - living with xp it used to puzzle me how, within minutes of him coming home I'd be feeling anxious, pissed off, sad and desperate to bring the mood back to the fairly happy, humming along to music level I was at before he came through the door.

Like I was a giant 'mood sponge' - sounds like that's exactly what happened.

Pottering around the house like an unwashed tramp, coffee in hand, thinking about all of this - I love my weekends nowadays :)

Wanders back to see you sitting round Bibi's kitchen table driniking coffee and polishing off the crumbs of the choccie pretzels and malteasers.
I have said he was abusive. It is my truth and I need to say it. I say he called me awful names. He lied. He never supported his son I say I tried. I say whatever I feel I need to. I do say he has MH problems and that I have had too, but I am trying to do my best for the DCs.
Mine used to creep noiselessly into the flat and not even say hello. He would make coffee and if I didn't say anything he would never ask or volunteer any information. It was killing especially when I was alone and depressed with DS as a baby. If he was in a good mood with me, he'd grope my bum perhaps. I'd always have to be the one to kiss him hello. I felt like killing myself at times, it was awful. Anyway, today is a good day. Am off to meet another single mum who is a friend of a friend. I have a plan for today and for tomorrow evening on my own with grown-up friends.
God the planning and care with which I'd have had to do either if he was around. Am beginning to feel a bit more ok in myself.

Sounds lovely notsorted (time to change that name now me thinks)

Have a great time this weekend! Pop back tomorrow morning for bacon sandwiches (made with 25p waitrose sandwich loaf, my achievement of the week)

Anger. Taboo in my family. It was there but no one ever 'fessed up! I have always been accused of being angry. Well sometimes things make me angry..I express myself, and then it's gone. I think their...THEIR problem was in the expressing bit.

One of my therapists answered this for me. She said, "oh, you only seem angry to me, when you talk about them! The rest of the time you are not remotely angry".

That's that boxed off then isn't it?!!!!

Children are amazing aren't they? DD is going to his overnight and told me they would be visiting the bloke who is renting him the house. I looked sad I guess, ( because I never got to meet anyone, never even was allowed to fil's house) and she said, "Daddy doesn't let you go because you are too beautiful". She's probably bang on correct there. Terrified of losing me...so terrified...he lost me.

My "mother", the witch, had this amazing ability to fill the room with a cold green bile filled haze. Do you think if I chucked a bucket of water on her, she's shrivel up and disappear?

In brighter news...The son of the man my sister tried to kill in an arson attack has agreed to help my ds with his maths....funny how life turns out.

Ive been posting tonight about my arsehole,bastard,prick lovely ex.

The lovely mn'rs have advised me to come over here, just wanted to say hi before having a read through the posts.

For those of you who dont know me, i was with him for 18 months and he emotionally and physically abused me in every way possible. He is a pretty sick individual to be honest.

Well I am out now and trying to find my feet. Been having a few problems with him but nothing that cant be sorted with a shotgun stop me getting on with my life.

Anyway will go and familiarise myself with everyone.

Hello crafty :)

How you getting on with life now? Is he still lurking in your head, or did you use that shotgun mentally at least?

Crafty you got here! Welcome! Please make yourself at home [smiile]

Oops I mean!

Hey garlic

I have drastically changed my life since i got rid of him, he made me lose my job and i went on meds. I have now got myself a new job hopefully and will be in talks with the doc about the meds.
I have found it so liberating being without him, even little things like getting my hair cut how I like felt good.

Things are great 90% of the time, but when he decideds to get pissed he does stupid things like make fake fb profiles and message me. Stupid knob used his own email address though so i knew it was him!

He has contacted me a handful of times and each time it has made me stumble a little but ive managed to get back up and brush him off.

I have friends for the first time in 2 years. I have too much to lose now if i let him get to me.

MN is my godsend! it has helped me when i have been feeling down. It has made me feel so much stronger, i realised that it was not my fault and that enabled me to move on and not mope about.

Hello madame

i made it! Im glad i did,this thread is very useful.

Thank you for directing me

I see you are reading St Lundy too. Excellent! What do you think of it so far?