Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Dear Blah, read the books/stuff listed at the start of the thread. Knowledge into what you have suffered is power. Also, and not mentioned on that, is the freedom programme site. There is a wonderful graphic of good man/bad man - I intend to print it out and stick it in the kitchen to remind myself when backsliding (which I do, and we all do). Baby, baby steps are ok, falling down is ok, everything is ok until you find one day that you have a little more strength than the previous day.
Are any of us free? A straw poll? I can't stick my hand up. And go on, hit me over the head with a frying pan I still love who I thought was the father of DCs, except - and Hissy will be leaping in here to dose me with triple quantities of reality check - that man didn't exist. Bits of him perhaps, but the abuse, the lies, the mindf are also in the mix.

I'm free of any longing for stbxh, and any "But what ifs...?" concerning him.

I am not free of my self-hatred, which is what led me to stay with him in the first place.

(Although that was a great way to cut any emotional ties to him: realising that being with him was just an expression of my own self-hatred. Definitely at peace with having him excised from my life.)

I had two years living with XH from splitting (Feb 2006) to moving out (July 2008). That cured me of any lingering affection. He would occasionally be nice for about 5 minutes but then he'd either go into sickly-false nice mode or switch to a mad rant or who knew what. He was so transparently trying to get attention, even if negative; to score points; to get me rattled so the DCs would be afraid of me and agree to live with him. In the end I let it all wash over me but by God it took time. I would be pretty much over it by now if my work situation hadn't been very difficult at that time as well, mainly as a result of all the madness which certainly took its toll on my usefulness, and that one I'm still getting over. (I was employed there for longer than I was married so in a sense it was a bigger loss.) I don't feel bad most of the time these days, but I am still fairly numb and my memory is ghastly - not that it ever was amazing. I think I deliberately pushed so many thoughts away that now I can't hold on to them when I want to. Or maybe it's just me age.

the madness at home, I mean, which took its toll on my ability to do a day's work (for about two years ).

That's really interesting Annie about your memory. It rings a bell.

During the crazy breakdown of marriage phase I thought I was losing my memory because I literally could not remember the content of the arguments we had due to brain fog from excess adrenaline I think. Ex would quote back word for word what I was alleged to have said and I was unsure if he was right and I had forgotten or whether he was making it all up. He thought I was doing it on purpose to annoy him.

Now I find my memory is better for conversations but everything seems less focussed, sort of blurry with less detail. Maybe that is just menopause! I have to write lists and keep a calendar.

Yes, exactly that.

Maybe because all that brain space was taken up by having to be on the alert, plan, react, watch yourself. At times I wished for a lobotomy or brain wipe to get things out of my mind. Still writing lists is partly to do with DCs

Well, that's another week at the grindstone done - just wanted to say thanks for all your comments re. my job.

Something occurred to me today and I'm going to just jabber to myself on here as I feel so safe and understood. Just ignore me if you want, have to write some things out to make them real if that makes any sense.

It occurred to me that my relationship with the idiots at work almost exactly replicates my behaviour in the (largely) abusive relationships I've had.

In so far as I get ignored, treated as almost invisible, no praise, no criticism, bit always expected to be there.

I get soooo angry with things, people and the situation bit the minute I get a tiny crumb of attention/interaction, the years of crappy treatment melt away and instantly find myself thinking 'oh, it's not so bad, what are you on about, it's just you, Bibi, stop being such a needy sort.

Crazy, it really is! Also was thinking that the tiredness I feel at the end of each day/week is something I would be 'lost' without. In the sense that having a normal workload is concerned - think it's been trained into me that I'm obviously not doing anywhere near enough if I still have any energy or headspace left.

Mmhh

Ok, I'm done and have pulled on the ticket clippers uniform ready to issue those tickets to the Far Side for all who need them this weekend :)

has caused my i's and u's to get mixed up it seems :)

If not too tired, before you pour yourself another glass Bibi there's someone up thread who needs a ticket ...
Do go for that other job too. Sounds like you've got that fear thing re leaving because of emotional attachment to feeling bad at work - kick it to the far side without a thought and move on up.

You're right notsorted, ticket very much needed upthread, am being a navel gazing teenager about my work situation. Just want to clear up the 'moving up' thing though - I'd actually be facing a cut in salary to move but won't stay like that for long (eternally hopeful)

Ok, ticket to Far Side of Fuck - compulsory connection to Fuck off some more clipped for ALL utter twats plaguing the strong, inventive, intelligent, brave people here!

All aaaaboooaaard

Nice beanbags Bibi I bag that faux leather dark brown one please. And a nice for me too.

I think you are absolutely spot on with your analysis of your position at work mirroring relations at home. So self esteem and confidence are key as ever!
Can you manage on a little less to take home?

Bibi - You are Good Enough!

I had a wanker boss with the catchphrase "Good enough, isn't."
He was wrong.
That whole belief system is based on the premise that one isn't quite up to scratch, a little bit wanting, so we must try harder to be good.

Did you notice that? "Be good." But you're not good enough, so Try Harder.
Dunno about you, but it sums up the self-appraisal my glorious childhood endowed me with.
And then, for the rest of my life, I kept on being Mrs Tryhard at work, at home, in the pub, in bed, on holiday, every fucking where. No wonder I've got chronic fatigue syndrome now! (That's not a joke, my doctors agree.)

Glad you noticed the parallel between your job and Cap'n Sorry. I'd have been disappointed if you hadn't! But knew you would, because you know what?

Yeah, you're good enough :)

Ooh, beanbags! Ace! Gosh, purple corduroy. That'll do me.

Aww, thanks garlic

I'll just have any beanbag and do we have nuts and crisps to go with the wine? Hope you don't mind if I take my shoes off!

I was thinking that when I met my ex I had the boss from hell. Bully, who pulled you up on the tiniest thing and made really cringy sexist and rasist remarks. Probably explains why I thought ex - who played caring, sensitive sort and listened to me about stuff at work - was an improvement. Big red flag that I was blind to was when he first shouted at me for going on all the time. I don't think I was?? But he never said quietly 'come on change the subject or forget it' just exploded suddenly. God all the red flags that I now know where waving at me. Gulps wine to cheer self up and pours everyone another glass. Hick!

Have you got a nice purple fluffy beanbag for me bibi? Feeling all snuggly tonight.

Nice merlot this. I have gherkins and pickled onions!

I work with the nicest people and enjoy what I do. They are considerate and friendly and look after me when I am having a hard time at home.
My family are lovely too, we hardly ever fall out (except when little sis is being too bossy!)

I wonder if I am just the world's biggest denier and think my life is great when it isn't? I always believed the Ex when he said he valued kindness. It was bollocks!! But even now I think he is a fair sensitive generous person even though he messed with my head and I had to leave.

I must be deluded!

Eee that's better!

I'm just going to sit here for a moment. Nothing more. Am too flaming hassled, stressed and busy to do much else, but am taking a break from typing up an inventory (cheating slightly actually, but tis all the same as long as the detail is right!) plus have another one to do tomorrow for monday...

Think of me all at 12 tomorrow will you? doing another appointment at a property that totally spooked the bejeesus out of me yesterday! couldn't breathe, couldn't wait to get out. Thankfully I didn't have to type it up, my poor colleague did, and she suffered doing it!

Monday is MAD day too, and Freedom Programme starts at 12.30.... half an hour away from my house! fingers crossed I can get it all done in time to get there!

Always thinking of you Hissy...

Should add that Maltesers and cashew nuts are in separate bowls... to be in the same bowl would just be wierd.

Premium faux fur bean bag for you right here fumblebuck

Can't keep up with all the things being raised (while scarfing down a pizza :))

The thing about people at work caring when you have a tough time at home really strikes a chord with me LittleHouse.

Since I've left the captain I've been at work almost solidly, hardly any holiday, no sick-time, never openly upset etc)

BUT I find it really weird that my boss has never said a word to me even in regards to that. His boss called me in at Xmas time last year and said if needed any time etc to tell him - which was appreciated.

Just in the tiny team we work it would have been nice to have felt like a person with my boss too.

Oh well, expecting too much again. Damn it, < repeats I AM good enough, i AM good enough>

E

You WILL get to the Freedom meeting Hissy or i will come down there and cover for you myself

Have to say am loving seeing the choices of beanbag you're all making

Less impresses with the 'one nut, one malteser' thing.

Yes, you are Bibi. That's right. Remember that.

Work has been my refuge throughout everything. I don't know what I'd have done if I was a SAHM. Can't even begin to contemplate what sort of a nightmare that would have been...

How about a twiglet anyone? Is there any floor space left with all these beanbags and bottles of wine scattered about?