Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

Ps - this is me too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1297442-out-how-to-interact-with-ex

AND ... little rant (hope that's allowed).

Today was DD1's first half day of school. It's my day with the girls - I have them W TH F this week & all 7 dyas next week - so was planning to take her with my mom who's come out to help. The last communication I had from him about this was yesterday saying if it was just dropping off rather than parent visit as he originally thought, he was happy for me to do it. This morning (815am - had to leave 845 to get there on time) he texts something confusing about dropping or seeing them and bringing them back to me which I ignored as was doing morning rush. He called - bigDD didn't want to talk, little screamed nonono & I put him on the phone to say they don't want to talk now. He says he wanted to talk to me - I said I don't want to talk to you and hung up. (Have told him several times now not speaking as it does not work with us). 6 texts accusing me of keeping him from his children, blah blah blah blah blah.. including 2 after I replied this is absolutely not an appropriate time to discuss things and his texts were disruptive and intrusive. Grrr!

feel good for standing my ground but it takes sooo much out of me..

(sorry for taking over thread when newly jumped back on)

rants are what this thread is made of, butterfly!

Along with advice and support, and some philosophising.

Rant away, take as much space in the thread as you need.

Sounds like you did good and stuck the agreed plan.

It gets easier with practice! (To say 'No'. To say 'These are my limits and I'm sticking to them.')

*stuck to the agreed plan

notsorted that is amazing. When I was explaining to Ex why I had to leave I said it was as if everybody else had put their piece of the puzzle down and I had to squeeze into the space left over, and I was being squashed out of shape. When I left I expanded into the shape I should have been and now I couldn't ever go back because I am too big for the hole they expected me to live in.

I have really enjoyed slowly working out my taste. Simple classic English oak, white bone china and plain cutlery with pastel colours and a very calm uncluttered vibe. It is so restful after all the mess!

Isnt it funny - I compared myself to a piece of squishy foam that had been squashed for ages and was now free of the weight!

So we all "felt" our boundaries being pushed with similar imagery. Imagery which also underlines just how much give we are capable of.

Time to, uhm, solidify I guess?
(need better imagery for the boundary-affirming process. Poets of the thread! You're wanted.)

Mine would text and say Please call me. (he's abroad)

i wouldn't.

He then would say 'can I talk to my son'

So I'd call, as soon as he answers, put DS on the phone. (speaker)

X would ask to speak to me, DS would hand me the phone. I'd hang up.

That phone stuff - again it's about putting you in your place, saying my needs are greater than you, the family, the DCs and what you are doing to keep the house in which DCs live running. It's me, me, me toddler stuff. And like when dealing with toddlers, you end up screaming inwardly too - but what about me???
On another subject: wanted to ask advice re parenting books/stuff. Had big chat with DD. She has been very defiant recently (I know it's because of what's going on). She is upset because she feels different at school - only one with messed up family - and worried about the future. Says she has been crying and kicking things. I haven't said anything to school as yet, but will do tomorrow. Any ideas for books to get us back on track? Feel that I've lost the plot with her at the moment. She is in year 5. And do you think I should ask counsellor re ideas or ask via GP for anything to help her? Or am I going counselling mad?

Yes Hissy, that's exactly what I did during our separation last year. He didn't see me, or hear my voice, and I did that quite deliberately. I did this a lot.

I can't do it this time. It's different.

Despite everything, I feel so desperately sorry for both of us, for carrying the weight of generations of dysfunction, and trying so hard.... and failing... to overcome that. I suppose the only positive is that he does genuinely accept that. I have real evidence and proof that he does. That doesn't make everything right, far from it. But, I can't feel the antipathy and rage towards him that I did last year. It's more of a tired resignation of where we are both at.

I am dealing with the realisation that the only relationships I have EVER had, were abusive. It is all I have ever known. And all they had ever known.

He is beginning to really acknowledge just how dreadfully toxic his family is. He's dealt with it today....and actually felt a real emotion (anger) that was his. It scared him and he felt guilty. I can't hate him for that. It's completely tragic...for both of us, and for the kids. He had no idea of the power of the half dozen words that he used..he hasn't spent years on the Stately homes thread. Acknowledging toxicity, and feeling the guilt is a massive deal.

Anyhoo.....

Discovering who one is, is something I went into at length on the Stately Homes thread last year. I seemed to be "channelling" Prince...painting everything purple! Not heavy duty purple, but definitely purple.

Another of the changes in H, was him painting the kitchen bright orange. He was always completely terrified of the consequences of anything other than hessian or magnolia....I mean, there is nothing between them, and a coat of emulsion is not exactly a zero sum game is it? It was braver than any of us understand to do that. It was in no way manipulative...it was truly him not being scared for a moment.

I love the orange kitchen. It was a sign of change, and of hope. It's very sad.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I will do "teenage" grieving, will listen to "our songs" and watch the video, look at the photo's and cry.

notsorted

I used my inner child stuff to address this. And funnily enough, the children do use it now!

We drew ourselves, cut ourselves out, and stuck ourselves onto loo paper middles, so we could stand up.

We drew "scenes", gardens, houses, beaches etc, and coloured them in.

We can act stuff out with the characters. It's funny...ds (15) doesn't do all that play stuff, but has commented on his "doll" and how he thinks it ought to be! ;-)

I have found dd calling childline to be immensely helpful. I have "overgeard" all kinds of things that she hasn't told me. I cry...childline don't. :(

The biggest thing is to NEVER define them, in any way. It's really easy to find ourselves saying....no you're not hungry, you've had loads to eat....for example....but if their senses say hungry...then they are hungry. That applies accross the board.

Forgive me if I am staing the bleeding obvious...it's just what has worked for me.

not sorted what is working for me is the "5 languages of love"book I mentioned earlier. It has really made me think about how I act with my kids and what they actually NEED from me as opposed to what I want to give if that makes sense. I have put a huge effort these last 2 weeks into making sure they FEEL how much they are loved by me. It has really really helped to calm them down. They too were really suffering because of the situation. Now I think they feel more secure in the love I have for them and how much I value them.

Hello all, if any of you have any head space for what I'm about to go on about it'd be great if not then just writing it down will help.

I do hope you'll forgive me just appearing like i do just now and then because I want something

Anyway, to the point - even though I found the strength to leave the relationship i was unhappy in, I still struggle doing what i need to in other areas of my life.

Work is the main one atm - I have the chance to turn what is a pretty unhappy job situation around and work for a different section of the business (in fact a separate company but in same place and on same floor as where i am now)

If I decide to go ahead, let's just say I won't be making any friends with the section I'm currently in as me going would be a total pain until a replacement can be found.

It IS ok to go for what I want and think is good for me isn't it??

Being selfish is ok at times like this isn't it?

Thanks for listening, this place as ever is the only one where i feel this kind of feeling might be understood.

Thoughts and strength to you all btw!

Bibi - in short, yes it is totally ok.
How to manage it: depends on your current relationships with your colleagues. I would try divide and conquer. Flatter them individually with confidences about your "anguish" in having to move - "i dont want to, but I need the money" "I cant see any other way forward" "I wish I didnt have to" "Really going to miss you" or something less emotive "They've kind of made it difficult for me to refuse" "I was worried if I said no they'd find someone else" "They've assured me that my absence will be coverered" "I'll work closely to make sure the department doesnt suffer"

And so on.

Pretend your mind isnt made up and its a really tough decision. Hopefully it will pave the way to less ill-feeling when you move.

thisis - what are you doing to yourself?

Your abusive STBX came and gave you an anniversary card. I'd have made him FFing EAT IT!

You are carrying guilt for a relationship that has failed. it was flawed from the start, but nothing gave that man the right to abuse you. You may have, through your own experiences/upbringing/history allowed/enabled it somehow, but if your H were not abusive in the first place, you would not be here today crying.

Why ARE you still talking to him. it's NOT different, it's worse. You are allowing him space to buy you a card, that should have been done and dusted a long time ago, it's wholly inappropriate and tbh, I wonder if cynically designed to hurt you.

You are making this so much harder for yourself and your DC than you need to be.

you say MO is detached? in some ways she is. but she is not definitively detached, cos he still provokes a reaction, he can still upset, worry, bother. It's early days for her, but she will get there, in stages.

You will too.

BUT

As I said, this is not a free-wheeling plateau, this is a step, we need to keep up the momentum, the climb to get free. You have a long way to go. I have a long way to go, but I'm not going to sit there and cry over how sad his childhood was. I don't care what excuse he uses, I don't care even if it's valid.

The punches, kicks, comments, destructive comments didn't hurt any less cos he had a tough time did they? Where was HIS sympathy for YOU? Seriously, where IS it? To buy you a card IMHO was to upset, not to heal.

Bibi, love, Anyone with half a brain would see that a good new opportunity would be hard to pass up! Any decent friend would be delighted for you.

New life, new job, new YOU! Go for it, the world is at your feet!

One (bad) door closes, another new and exciting door opens! GO FOR IT!

thisis - what Hissy said. And a hug.

Bibi - ffs, those people have been horrid to you! Mr Ignorant and Ms Leech if I remember rightly. LEAVE THEM! Sail on to brighter waters, give the new people a chance to actually appreciate you!

Oh thanks all! I've been treated as invisible where i am for the last 2 years yet I'm the only doing that job so keep/kept hoping things would get better off their own accord.

Just like my relationship thinking. Finally realised they're not going to get better until i MAKE them better myself.

Yet still i feel i 'owe' something to the people who have given me literally nothing for 24 mths.

Where I want to go they actually (gasp) talk to their staff and treat them like people.

See you on the other side

Night all, best of dreams and renewed vigour for another day tomorrow!

Oh just seen x post with you garlic - thanks and yes, after all the moaning I've done on my current position there really is no question of me making things better for me, is there. :)

Old patterns can sometimes die hard it seems.

Bibi, this is the dreadful boss, the no lunch time, practically having a catheter fitted so you don't even leave your desk for a wee?

Run like the FFING wind and if ANYONE asks, say you fancied a change and that you felt unappreciated so bit their arm off to accept it.

Thanks for the validation. I know in my brain it's crazy (6 texts half hour before her first day of school!!!) but it helps me know in my gut too. He's now emailed my mom with me cc'ed to say he was 'desperately trying to find out if he could see Dd at school' despite having emailed yest he wouldn't, me replying I would take her on my own (with mom) and me confirming this in the middle of the text barrage. He also wildly overstated his involvement in settling the girls at their previous nurseries and asked for details of my lawyer (which is in a bit of transition). The complete and utter shth*d poopoo pants immature 2 year old.

Ps - I love the squished sponge now expanding image and would love to hear any ideas for boundary solidifying metaphors. My first image was cement but feeling much more like Jello - more solid than before but wobbly and easy to cut through.

Pps- of course you should go for the forward move B! It sounds like you really deserve it!

"Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. I will do "teenage" grieving, will listen to "our songs" and watch the video, look at the photo's and cry."

he should be the one hanging his head in sorrow, for what he had he abused to the point where she couldn't cover up for him anymore, she couldn't lie anymore.

Not to bang on, Thisis, but MOURN? Grieve? why? don't torture yourself FGS! What GOOD will come of any of that? He's not in your day to day life to make you miserable anymore, so you have to do it yourself? NOOO, mugs game! Go out! distract yourself. Take the DC out for a chinese or something and celebrate your family unit as it is, that you and your DC made it through!

Either this guy knows what he's doing, and it's a deliberate act in giving you the card to upset and de-rail you, or else he's totally unthinking, idiotic and brainless enough to think that this is an appropriate thing to do. Anyone that clueless is a danger to themselves tbh, and ought to be placed somewhere more secure for their own safety! If the latter, he is too FFing stupid to spend your time thinking about. seriously.

Oh, and a big hug too from me.

butterflybee. SWITCH PHONE OFF. Stop rising to his demands. He is out of the picture, he is not being of use to you or to your DD.

STOP this power play, take back your life, the reins are YOURS to hold,no-one elses.

Tell you mum to block his email and reply to him from your email address and demand that all contact will go through YOU and you alone. That your family are not to be bothered by his millions of panicking messages.

Also tell him that if he can't control his communications, that you will insist on email only wrt your daughter and only by email to you, and you will change your number to prevent this ridiculous harassment of you.

Go in HARD, he ought to back down.