... seeing as the odds are better, at 14 milion to one?!
This is just a dump, really. I was wondering why I had such a strong reaction to X2 the minute I clapped eyes on him. I can identify two reasons: One, he was good-looking in a similar way to the most attractive members of my family. He didn't exactly look like 'one of us' but there were plenty of markers wrt colouring, build, even the shape of his ears. Although most of my partners have been very different physically, I've long been aware of feeling drawn to people who look similar to my family. Researchers say this isn't unusual.
The second reason is the slightly weird one. He has an air of ... I've struggled for a lifetime to put this into words, but yesterday I defined it as sullen resentment. Hardly an attractive quality! Yet I've often felt magnetically attracted to men who give off this feeling of ... well, darkness, I suppose. You know all those sayings about people being givers and takers? I think these men, who seem miserable, trigger a desire to make them feel better. I don't feel the same compulsion towards gloomy women.
I'd like to believe I'll get over this. But I don't. Even now, knowing what I do, I feel mesmerised by men like that. I'm like a bloody asteroid being sucked towards a black hole. There was one in the supermarket the other day: I felt that slightly sick/dizzy feeling in my tummy, took another look, and registered a disillusioned, sorry for himself type of geezer, bit of a closed look about him - very bad relationship material at first (and second) glance. But I still felt it.
Perhaps, one day, I will develop the self-knowledge and the relating skills to feel the right kind of desire for the right kind of man. Perhaps I'll have died of old age before then. I have, though, written coupledom out of my prospects for the foreseeable future.
I read some stuff about how people with BPD often come to avoid relationships after learning about their condition. I don't think I've got BPD - well, I haven't, I've got a negative diagnosis! - but found those articles reassuring in a strange way. My sexual response is faulty, like a diabetic's insulin response. So I shall steer clear, as a diabetic avoids sugar, out of respect for my own well-being. Shame but there you go.