Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 4

[MadameOvary]

Hello everyone - end of last thread kind of took us by surprise!
Will copy in links etc

ENFJ

Same as Tony Blair!!!!

Hissy, have a hugs from me. Why feel stupid for the fact that somebody else is abusive, mentally ill, deranged , whatever is wrong with him! He's the stupid one for throwing away a woman who loved him, and his own family. There can be no doubt that someone who does that is incredibly stupid. All you did was try to love! And that can NEVER be stupid!

Cry, scream, shout....just get it all out. It will come when it is ready.

More to say about parents making you fell unlovable, but need breakfast. Tough morning so far.

Ooh ooh ooh ....and Oprah Winfrey, Gorbachov and Jane Fonda!!!!!!!

That's good company!

Continued thanks for all of you....Garlic you should write a book!!! Perhaps we all should let's call it "I can make everyone better except when I can't - and other ways to mess yourself up".

I am struggling to see where to go next with my new found insight. have 4 children all very close in age and young...natural tendency not to rock the boat is poking up head...find myself wondering if I can survive and make it ok for kids in this until they are more grown-up...how messed up will they/I be if I do this....how messed up am i already????? And, not to repeat myself but....IS IT ME who's messed up anyway????

PS think the E might be a little bit protective??? Keeps other people in and stops himself from controlling everything??

I don't feel angry or sad..nothing...blank... just extreme threat from him if that makes sense... prob not lol... like I'm running on adrenaline.

Makes perfect sense, babyhammock. I felt like that too a few months ago. It was fraught and exhausting, but necessary. I'm sure you are running on adrenaline, and have been for a very long time. That will take time to wind down.

NF types are idealists, iirc. Idealism exerts a very strong pull towards wanting to see/make the best of a situation; to transform it either in reality through your own exertion, or in your perception of it. Like staying way too long in a bad relationship, and trying to make it work.

Going off-topic now, but most descriptions I've read of INFJs mention that "they can experience psychic phenomena". I've always thought that was hooey (still kind of do), but this very morning I took my puppy in to be spayed. As the anaesthetic was beginning to take effect on her, I fainted. That must be my psychic powers of Extreme Empathy, then! ~~~WooOOoo~~~

Ooh ooh ooh ....and Oprah Winfrey, Gorbachov and Jane Fonda!!!!!!!

I've got Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt, who has always been an idol of mine!

Hey Fool, yes you are messed up, but not by yourself but by trying to make something work that isn't working because of the other person's behaviour.
If this was a 'normal' relationship you could try making a list of pros and cons and then think ... may be worth doing that as if it was normal and imagining yourself as out of love or having been cheated on.
Then do a list with real situation, situation with kids, situation as regards you and the abuse.
Don't know if it helps but lightbulb moments, moments of absolute blackness about situation, fear of future etc, etc went on and on. If you can detach from now on then you can think your way towards solution, when there isn't an absolute horrific catalyst then it is harder. Can you consider some kind of counselling? I think Relate will see you on your own if there is abuse and can talk it through, but check that counsellor understands realities of abuse ie it is different from normal breakdown of a relationship

OK, I'll stop with the Myers-Briggs stuff after this post, but Hissy and babyhammock and thisishowifeel, tell me if the "mates" (as in partners) section of this lengthy description of INFJs (v close to ENFJs) doesn't sound a tad spooky to you now:

"The oracular INFJ may opt for the inventive ENTP, but also may go for a different kind of contrary, namely the ESTP. The ESTP and ENTP, to the casual observer, look pretty much alike. Charming, suave, urbane, humorous, witty, fantastically easy to approach, venturesome, even reckless. But one is out to invent, the other to promote; this is no small difference. It takes an inventor to make a mousetrap, it takes a promoter to make an enterprise. To succeed, the promoter has to be, in the best sense of the word, a con artist. He must be able to get people's confidence. Now why would a meaning-giver INFJ be intrigued by an entrepreneur ESTP? Because he wants to help the entrepreneur find his soul and his significance in the scheme of things. Similarly, why is the INFJ attracted to the ENTP? Because he wishes to rescue this iconoclast from his seeming folly (and let's face it, most inventions are abortive, or still-born)."

ENFP. I take online tests with a handful pinch of salt, but this mirrors a more involved career profiling one I paid for. Am unsurprised to see I'm like Oliver Stone!!

I like your book title, footlong

Amazing to read today's posts! I've just completed a journal entry about anger. I concluded: "... tolerating the intolerable; feeling compelled to change it NOT END IT. And for that, I have Mum to thank."

I may need to change my username to NoMoreMissions

Garlic, can I take your journal quote over to the Stately Homes thread?

You're most welcome :)

I'll catch up SH later. x

...interesting re the attraction thing....trying not to be fatalistic...surely such brilliant, intelligent women as us could avoid the trap....????? Is there hope for the future and does anyone have an opinion on whether the perpetrator can change???

Totally unable to function at the mo. due to mess of thoughts and fact I am a coward!!!! SCARED od future and what i might have started to put in motion though this is only in my thoughts at present!!!!!

PS what about the kids...those of you who have left, what do you do when he has access???? I would worry myself sick, he runs me down in their presence now....and I'm standing there...what would it be like if I was away from them????

Dear Fool exactly problem I had wrestled with. Mine though was never abusive to them, just in front of them. And for past few weeks he was apparently suicidal ... then he decided contact was too painful so now he doesn't see them. Um, not sure about any of this at all.

One thing now is to keep a diary of events, any texts emails etc so that if needed and he makes a fuss about contact you have evidence to back up your fears. It is important that if he is verbally abusive to DCs or in front of them that needs to be taken seriously.

yes, yes, yes....writing and lists...at last something I am good at!!!!!!!

I'm an INTJ, apparently. Or at least today I am. Tomorrow I may answer some of those questions subtly differently and end up as something else entirely (though still strongly Introverted, that one's only a question of degree). According to the site I am like a whole bunch of scientists. I am so not a scientist.

Except that your entirely reasonable comment on the validity of the test is just like a scientist

sorry for getting you name wrong earlier, fool

Oops, outed! Damn.

Is there hope for the future and does anyone have an opinion on whether the perpetrator can change???
I don't think truly abusive people can change...ever. I was taken in so many times by promises from mine, which is easy for them to do as they know you want it to work while knowing that you wouldn't be able to protect your kids from the fall out of leaving as well.

As for the future...I just feel damaged now...

Meandmypuppy..thankyou. What happens when you stop running on adrenaline, is that when it all hits you? x

You may go through a decompression phase, yes. When you're in a place (physical or mental) where your body knows you can finally unwind, you might feel your mood and energy levels crash temporarily. It's a good idea to have friends and medical professionals you can lean on then.

You'll get through all the phases, you know. Every one which is a necessary step for you to let go of the accumulated past stress, and face a different future.

meandmypuppy I think you're right ... I do worry about that..
I just keep visualising a future where me and DS are free and ok.. its whats keeping me going.. I f
I read your earlier post about your mum and feeling like you were set up to end up in an abusive relationship... I went through that (still am) for a year before I left.. just felt so sad about it x

[ENFP - Mark Twain, Steven Speilberg and......JUDY GARLAND!!!!! wtf?)

ENTJ

Napoleon, Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton... Ye gods I'm a monster

I believe that anyone can change.

Sometimes, on the telly or radio, you hear reformed criminals who have completely turned their lives around and have massive compassion and empathy for those that their former selves have hurt.

The reason thay get on the telly and radio, is because they are soooooo rare. They are totally the exception to the rule. And they are generally in a state of permamnent amazement at their own change...or at least that's how it comes across! Mike Fraser, who presented, "beat the burglar" is an example. (I didn't remember the name...googled that bit!) But really, how common is that?

I suppose human beings are all a degree of something, there is one of everything, but really, what are the chances of real change, however "possible"?

I understand about the pre ordained feel to all of this, and as a result, don't think I will ever be in a relationship again. Which is dead sad, but I can't risk it.

I'll buy a lottery ticket instead.