Just joined the world of single mums

[Brighteyes]

My partner has been working away for the last three days and I haven't even had a phone call from him. At 10.30 I decided to call to find out why he hadn't been in touch.

He tells me that he didn't want to speak to me on the phone and was waiting to see me tomorrow evening to tell me he was leaving.

He's coming home tomorrow to see our 6 month old dd and collect his things then hes moving in with his parents.

He has offered to continue to pay the bills and mortgage till I find an house of my own (the house is in his name although we have always lived here togther). He has agreed to this on the condition that he gets dd at the weekends. He will take her to his parents, I live in Wales, they live in England.

Things have been difficult between us since I was pg. Since having dd he has been aggressive and distant. I no longer love him since he has changed (I have changed too since having the baby and I feel he cant understand why my prioritise have changed)

Although I no longer love him and think its best we split I feel like I've been hit by a brick.

On Sunday night, the night before he left on business, he came to bed and we had sex. When he had finished he just rolled over and turned his back on me. When I asked him tonight why he had initiated sex when he no longer cared about me he said he was just using me and being a man (this has left me feeling really dirty and used)

I have no idea what I'm going to do about money either. Although he's willing to pay the bills for now, I have no money coming in. I'm currently on unpaid maternity. There is no way I can now return to work as I can't drive and he used to take me the 15 mile journey on his way to work. If I dont return to work for the minimum of 3 months then I have to pay back £1500 in maternity pay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this or even how I'm going to feed myself.

There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do. After four years together I cant believe we are separating only 6 months after having dd and only 2 weeks before her first Christmas

What am I going to do?

Oh, sweetheart

In your shoes, I'd be making an appointment to see somebody at the Citizens Advice Bureau to see where you stand. You need some proper advice - I assume you've been paying into the household for some time now, so that will count for something, I'm sure.

What's important is you focus on the practical side of it, such as the money and roof over your head. You can hate him later, but your priority has to be yourself and your DD at the mo. Do you think that counselling would help your relationship?

Am going to bed now, but am sure there will be lots of people to help you. You'll get good advice here. Sorry again that this has happened to you - not good timing on his part

sorry this has happened to you. Lots of people will come up with good advice

How awful for you. Dreadful before her first Christmas!

Get a good solicitor who will fight for your rights. You should be able to get legal aid and although that isnt free it helps.

DO you have family or friends near? You sound as though you need a good shoulder to cry on. Perhaps a counsellor for you would be good. You need to focus on the practicalities although as I know that is hard when your head is in so many places and your emotions are all over the shop.

I am sorry to read this news. I have nothing to add except that if you agree to weekend access please be aware that Christmas is on a weekend this year.

what awful timing, am so sorry

at least it sounds like you are still on quite good terms (or as good as they can be in these situations), it is important to try and remain friendly if at all possible, dd will thank you for it.

you will cope just fine, i split from xp 2 weeks after ds2 was born and i have to say it made life a lot easier because i didnt have to worry about keeping to another persons schedule. i also had to give up work and went onto income support. i wasnt rolling in money but none of us were starving either

at paying back maternity pay. are you sure? i would go to cab anyway to find out if you have any rights to stay in the house etc (just so you know where you stand if you fall out) but definately ask them about this.

if you dont hate each other you could still spend a bit of time together on xmas day so you both see dd? i know thats hard but its still not going to be easy if you dont see him.

thinking of you. it will get better - i loved being a single parent, it just takes time to come to terms with things

be
as others have said
you are going to need your friends and family around you at this time as you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for awhile.
cry, scream, kick out on nearest cushion to release some of the anger when you feel it welling
go and seek good legal advice from a solicitor asap
most important dont let this bastard ruin your first xmas with your dd, he is not worth it
remember after all this upheaval it will be you that will come out the stronger and happier person in all this
hard to believe at this moment but it is true
take care of yourself and
keep ya chin up girl
xxx

I would go to the CAB. I would also try and get DP to go to RELATE to see if there is any chance of saving your relationship - you both owe it to your DD to try.

Pregnancy and early parenthood are very stressful times and not a good basis for judging whether a couple a working together well. Hormones are raging, and the father often feels left out. If you can talk about what you both see as having gone wrong you might realise it was all related to the impact of pregancy and new baby - all of which are passed now. If, once you have talked you both decide you do want to call it a day - then you need to talk as adults about how you provide a secure and happy life for your dd - your DP has equal responsibility for that.

Thanks everyone for your support and good advice.

Sorry I'm not responding to individual posts but I can't even think straight at the moment.

Will call CAB today to make an appointment.

Thgis must be a terrible shock to you, Brighhteyes.
WEll done for making the CAB appointment.

Your 'ex' sounds as if he thinks he can pick and choose the level of support he gives, and that won't quite be the case. And he can't bargain like that, either. Try not to make any firm agrements with him, if he says he'll pay this 'for now' and then suggests anything at all, just say 'We need to think about the longer term supoprt of our DD very carefully, so i can't confirm that I agree to anything specific until i have found out how I can support myself and DD - with your help of course'.

He has been terribly cruel, doing it like this. Have you ever dicussed the difficulties in your relationship, or sought counselling etc?

Agree with Blu - don't agree to anything concrete until you know what you are entitled to. Hope you see someone helpful at the CAB.

Do you think your relationship is possible to save?

brighteyes - about the job - can you come to some temporary arrangement for just 3 months?
eg help from your ex, or from your family. Or could you use public transport and find a nursery near your work? Or re-negotiate longer mat leave to give you more time to sort yourself out? Not ideal I know, but worth it so you don't get saddled with a huge debt?

brighteyes. My situation like yours a few years back. X left when DD was weeks old. I was on unpaid mat leave. When I got my head together I met my boss and was honest about the situation - suddenly a SP. He was v v supportive and I got an extra 1 month mat leave (unpaid) but it gave me time to move house and put childcare in place. Your company may have the flexibility to write off the money you have had already. From an employers perspective I would never persue X employee for £1,500 if they said they have spent it and had no means of re-paying it. Am guessing most employers won't go to hassle of small claims court, so don't focuss on this, you have enough to think about already.

Having been in your shoes just want to say things do get better in the end.

He is here now packing his things. He seems really cold and when he saw me crying told me "get over it, I don't love you any more and I'm leaving".

Although I want him out of my life its still really difficult and upsetting. He has now decided hes going to put the house on the market and then with the proceeds give me a deposit to get a rented house. I've asked him to leave his key so hes not just walking in when he wants to but he says its still his house and hes now my landlord.

Bloody hell, brighteyes. What a shit

Im so sorry. nothing clever to add, but lots of sympathy

crikey brighteyes. I was reading it until I got to the bit where he said hes now your landlord, and my mouth dropped open.
OK, if he's your landlord, you need a contract so he cant just throw you out, AND landlords arent just allowed to walk in whenever they want either. They are supposed to give 24 hours notice.

Something is telling me that you really need a solicitor. Your dx seems so business-like, and he seems to be leading the situation, and taking advantage of your shock. Don't agree to stuff that might not be in your best interests. Dont agree to anything til youve seen a solicitor and talked all your options through.

if you dont have a contract with him, does that make you a squatter? if thats the case you can make it very difficult for him to get you out and i may be wrong but i dont think he is allowed to break in if you change the locks - which i would do tomorrow!

Can anyone tell me approx. what percentage of his wage I would get in maintenace?

Do I have to go to the CSA if we can agree to pay it without getting them involved?

There is so much to sort out. I need to see a solicitor, CAB, social security, HR at work. I don't feel in the right emotional state to deal with any of it at the moment.

15% of net salary for 1 child
20% for 2 etc

I would change the locks as he is "threatening" to evict you
He would then have to get a court order to get you to change locks again

what a sh#t

POSTED BY the evil shit you all keep going on about

I'm not going to justify what has been said by her and by many of you in this thread. Its been taken out of context and not at all in the light that was said. Some of her points have missed half the story out and leave me sounding like a right prick.

At all points during our discussions today i've tried to be friendly with Brighteyes & fair. I'm not trying to con her out of money, i'm not trying to skirt round my responsibilities and overall i'm trying to get the best result for our DD. Certainly it could have been a better time of year but when is a good time for this? I'm happy to be there on xmas day so she has it with both parents there but i'm not prepared to live with her anymore. I have my reasons just like alot of you split from your partners for your reasons.

Due to lots of problems between us (she and I have openly said we don't love each other anymore and that we don't want to live together, we both have been aggresive (for instance the walls have dents where a wrought iron candle stick missed me and hit)) we are not to going to work as a couple, and whilst i'm not going to go into anymore detail here (it is my private life after all) I am trying to fair.

I am actually prepared to pay above whats required (well above 15%!) by law and am not trying to throw her out or anything like that at all. She will be looking after my daughter after all.

Please leave the shit slinging aside and talk like grown ups.

Knob

Sound like?

Yeah, nice and helpful post. Nice to see you can enter into reasoned debate rather than endless inane drivel these forums seem to end in.

All the threads are endless man bashing and you then wonder why we fuck off. Go forums go!

brighteyes Ex,
she just posted on here to get some practical advice. It is obvious from what you have both said, that you are further down the moving on process than she is.
Hope you can both sort it out in the best way for you both. And I speak as someone who will be spending Christmas with the ex and the children.