Just joined the world of single mums

[Brighteyes]

My partner has been working away for the last three days and I haven't even had a phone call from him. At 10.30 I decided to call to find out why he hadn't been in touch.

He tells me that he didn't want to speak to me on the phone and was waiting to see me tomorrow evening to tell me he was leaving.

He's coming home tomorrow to see our 6 month old dd and collect his things then hes moving in with his parents.

He has offered to continue to pay the bills and mortgage till I find an house of my own (the house is in his name although we have always lived here togther). He has agreed to this on the condition that he gets dd at the weekends. He will take her to his parents, I live in Wales, they live in England.

Things have been difficult between us since I was pg. Since having dd he has been aggressive and distant. I no longer love him since he has changed (I have changed too since having the baby and I feel he cant understand why my prioritise have changed)

Although I no longer love him and think its best we split I feel like I've been hit by a brick.

On Sunday night, the night before he left on business, he came to bed and we had sex. When he had finished he just rolled over and turned his back on me. When I asked him tonight why he had initiated sex when he no longer cared about me he said he was just using me and being a man (this has left me feeling really dirty and used)

I have no idea what I'm going to do about money either. Although he's willing to pay the bills for now, I have no money coming in. I'm currently on unpaid maternity. There is no way I can now return to work as I can't drive and he used to take me the 15 mile journey on his way to work. If I dont return to work for the minimum of 3 months then I have to pay back £1500 in maternity pay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this or even how I'm going to feed myself.

There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do. After four years together I cant believe we are separating only 6 months after having dd and only 2 weeks before her first Christmas

What am I going to do?

How do I convince him to let us try again and to go to relate? I so what us to be a family again.

He says he doesnt love this other woman and its not serious at the moment. I think given time I could get over him sleeping with her.

I would do anything to fix this.

I cant beleive that he hates me so much that hes willing to leave is daughter and give up so much finacially rather than be with me.

I need a miracle and this is the best time of year to ask for one

How do I get him back?

Brighteyes, I wish I could tell you how to control this situation... but I can't. I'm afraid if he wants to walk, then... well... you might think about going to relate alone? Do it for you... with or without him.

Bright eyes - I feel so upset for you, what a horrible time of the year to be feeling so sad. There's never a right time - and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You were OK with him leaving until you found out he'd got someone else - you said you didn't love him and he didn't love you. Let him go - you can't keep him if he doesn't want you. You'll come out of this the strong one - believe me you'll never feel this bad again. It's better for baby to have 2 happy separated parents than 2 bitter together ones. Look after yourself and baby - that's what's important. Honestly things will get better. Be strong. Good luck.

BE - I am so sorry you feel so unhappy and, as numerous other people have said, this time of year makes it all seem even worse (if that's possible) I split up with my XP about 6 years ago when DS2 was 10 months old and DS1 was 6. It was my decision as I no longer loved him (and I think he felt the same) and when he went it was a relief that the break had been made. However, 6 weeks later when he came to pick up DS2 he told me that he had met someone else. Suddenly, all I could focus on was getting him back and I ended up making a fool of myself by telling him I still loved him when I certainly didn't. His reply was that he didn't love me and he was happy with his new g/f. God knows what suddenly made him so attractive when I was positive it was over (was it a "what you can't have you want even more" type of thing?)I am just so grateful that he said "no" as we would have just gone back to square 1. I was a single parent for nearly 5 years before I met my DH. It was hard work but so worthwhile as the boys were settled and secure in a loving home rather than being in the middle of 2 angry adults. I know it's hard but try to remember how you felt when you wrote your 1st post on this thread. I hope that helps. x

Just wish I had the strength to realise you're all right in what your saying. Instead all I want him to do is walk through the door and wrap is arms around me and tell me what a big mistake its all been.

BE dont know what to say but hang in there
you cant make him want to come back and from what others have said on other threads in the past, you need to be strong as crying etc just drives them further away

like MerryXmas said, you did say at beginning of thread you no longer loved him so maybe you're just scared of all the things you need to sort out

BE glad you are back with us...to me it sounds as though you are loving the idea of being in a relationship and not actually loving x. I must admit when dh (then dp) & I split years ago I so wanted to be with him, but the thing I was scared of was being alone. I can't begin to think of how you feel as I didn't have a 7 month old..as others have said it will get easier. You need to respect yourself more. Do you really wnat to be in the same position another year down the line..? My very moto is "what doesn't kill only makes you stronger" and I believe it 100%. You don't deserve to be put in this position. Yeah so theres never a "good" time to split with someone but for x to have met someone as well is madness!
You will have days when you are at rock bottom but many days will see you at the top. It may be worth keeping a diary.? I'm suffering with pnd and I find that recording my feelings and thoughts daily helps me. On the days I feel low I read my high days and it does help me focus a little better.
How are you managing things with dd.? Are you doing ok.?

Brighteyes have you actually asked him if he would be willing to try relate? Sounds like it might be worth a go.
Having a new baby around does put a h* of a strain on relationships. I know I've been neglecting my husband since dd2 appeared in May.
Look after yourself.

brighteyes, i want to say firstly that it seems you are going through hell and i really feel for you. but either way, there's one thing you really cant do and that's blaming this other woman for everything. she didnt steal your partner, it takes two to tango and he's just as much to blame. personally i think you are so much better without him but if theres a chance to try again then you will have to accept he is a grown man and responsible for his own actions. no woman can make a man leave against his will.

when i split with my son's father it was mutual and final. yet somehow, when i found someone else he wanted me back. i said no. then when he found someone else i wanted him back. i begged him on the doorstep and he said no. we loved each other but we both knew it just would not work...but as they say, the grass is always greener. you go through the different stages. feeling numb, crying 24/7, feeling angry..and somehow you reach a point where you forget the bad times and its easy to put said man on a pedestal. putting the blame on this woman alone will eat you up and bitterness can consume your every waking moment (from someone who knows). yes, she has done an awful thing but he has too, they are as bad as each other.

youve had an awful time but it will be ok, the future is not as scary as you think. its a tough time, christmas is going to be hard for you, there's no doubt about it. cry if you want to now and be angry, get it out of your system. then you need to look to the future in a positive way.

i really hope my post doesnt sound harsh because its not meant to at all, im not sticking up for them, far from it..but he is responsible too, you need to remember that. i wish you and your dd every happiness for the future. im sure you have plenty of friends here to have a good vent and rant along the way, so you wont be alone x

Brighteyes are you around..?? How are you..??

Evil bastard OH here.

Just so you all know, I actually went back to her before Xmas and tried things again. We had a few dings, a few arguments, I did actually get too in her face at time and held her firmly when we argued(I didn't hit her before anyone says that) - admittedly too much in hindsight but if anyone says you'll never see your baby and mean it, I know a lot of you would act the same.

We managed to get through until today (we had stayed at my folks for about a week or two) when she said she needed to go home to collect a few things and let her dad see the baby properly for the last time (as we had sad we'd move to near my family is for support (bar her dad, the rest of her family were to caught up in their own lives and he has to walk 9-5's...)).

Dropped her by her families on the pretence that her dad was going to see her and drove literally a minute back to our house. She turns up 10 mins later saying its over, that I cannot see my baby and that she's gonna contest paternity so I don't get to see my daughter for about 6 months and that I abused her and Cerys so I can only see her in a supervised room if at all. These claims are all NOT true.

So, just for those of you who were baying for my blood - here is my just rewards! And for the record, this other woman only ever got involved after we'd split. No-one here prolly will believe me (I know I prolly wouldn't) but that?s life I guess.

In the end though, the worst thing is - there is only losers in this and Cerys is the biggest loser out it all. I was prepared for going to Relate and getting this sorted and doing everything to get us back into line.

Admittedly for the last couple of days I had been a bit distant and perhaps a bit loving but I did say that when we got back together that it would take me time to adjust back in. Seems she wasn't prepared to work at it and took the earliest opportunity to duck out

you should meet my xh, he has a habit of violating my privacy by posting on my threads, too.

I'm sorry Brighteyes OH but lets look at the bigger picture shall we? Just think a minute about what you've put Brighteyes through. She finds out from you, over the phone, that you are gonna leave her. Put her through emotional s, then when you do decide to "try again" you admit to being "distant". Sorry matey but you should have pulled out all the stops here. Yes there are two sides to every story, but you have done more of your fair share of damage to the relationship. Maybe Brighteyes has just woken up to the fact that things aren't gonna change and she and your DD deserve more. Kids do afterall pick up on tensions between parents. I just hope that Brighteyes is o.k. Now will you F off and give Brighteyes her space back.

Er brighteyes h, I hope you haven't come here expecting sympathy because I doubt you'll get it. I haven't read this thread before but I've just skimmed over it and your posts and I can't see that it changes anything tbh. So, in short, I think you ought to butt out really. If you want to discuss this with your partner you should do it in person imo.

Just come back on MN after a leave of absence and seen this - so sorry brighteyes, please try to stay strong, things will look black but in a month, 6 months, a year they can change so much. I left my xh 2 years ago and things have changed so much (for the better) that I can't even believe the person with him was 'me' - it seems like someone else.

And brighteyes ex - I wouldn't bother posting anymore on here - rightly or wrongly I don't think you'll get any sympathy. Personally I can't see much that brighteyes has done wrong, apart from maybe caring so much for you. If she wants to tell you she's changed her terms for access etc thats down to her, if you've got nothing to hide then whats wrong with supervised access, it should be seeing your dd that matters, not how you do. And yes, you might only have got involved with someone after your split but it still seems damn callous and begs the question of how much you really wanted the relationship with brighteyes if she's tearing her heart out and you're happily enjoying the next 'bit of stuff'

Brighteye's ex I think you have a cheek posting on HER thread and esp under HER name...

IMHO I think you have abused both brigheyes and cery's..MENTALLY....What do you think "having an affair" does to the other person..???? It makes no difference if this was before or after you split..if it was after then it didn't take you too long to move on.

By the sounds of your messed up post it looks like you and brighteyes were planning on moving nearer to your family..??? Like that would help brighteyes..! And to add to your comment "In the end though, the worst thing is - there is only losers in this and Cerys is the biggest loser out it all"...I think you are the biggest loser (in more ways than one ..) You are the loser as you are missing out on such a wonderful partner and dd.

As to being prepared to go to relate..you don't need to be prepared to go...you need to be doing it off your own back now..BUT I know brigheyes is better off without you...Like others have posted........Go away and stop stalking.

Brighteyes are you around..????? xx