Just joined the world of single mums

[Brighteyes]

My partner has been working away for the last three days and I haven't even had a phone call from him. At 10.30 I decided to call to find out why he hadn't been in touch.

He tells me that he didn't want to speak to me on the phone and was waiting to see me tomorrow evening to tell me he was leaving.

He's coming home tomorrow to see our 6 month old dd and collect his things then hes moving in with his parents.

He has offered to continue to pay the bills and mortgage till I find an house of my own (the house is in his name although we have always lived here togther). He has agreed to this on the condition that he gets dd at the weekends. He will take her to his parents, I live in Wales, they live in England.

Things have been difficult between us since I was pg. Since having dd he has been aggressive and distant. I no longer love him since he has changed (I have changed too since having the baby and I feel he cant understand why my prioritise have changed)

Although I no longer love him and think its best we split I feel like I've been hit by a brick.

On Sunday night, the night before he left on business, he came to bed and we had sex. When he had finished he just rolled over and turned his back on me. When I asked him tonight why he had initiated sex when he no longer cared about me he said he was just using me and being a man (this has left me feeling really dirty and used)

I have no idea what I'm going to do about money either. Although he's willing to pay the bills for now, I have no money coming in. I'm currently on unpaid maternity. There is no way I can now return to work as I can't drive and he used to take me the 15 mile journey on his way to work. If I dont return to work for the minimum of 3 months then I have to pay back £1500 in maternity pay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this or even how I'm going to feed myself.

There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do. After four years together I cant believe we are separating only 6 months after having dd and only 2 weeks before her first Christmas

What am I going to do?

I think you're very brave letting him take your dd BrightEyes. My ds is 14 months now and my ex has never had him on his own. He does have the other 3 regularly though and although I found it very upsetting to start with, I actually look forward to some peace and quiet now. Don't let yourself get pushed into making any permanent arrangements though, not until you are sure what you want to do.

Brighteyes I genuinely feel for you - my dp walked out on us in July completely out of the blue and I totally understand your fears about the future. Nothing any of us can say will make anything any better but I hope we are some comfort for you. I found one of the best things to do was to write a diary. At the beginning there didn't seem much point but already when I re-read it I can see how far I've come even if some days I don't feel like I've moved on at all. I also plan to let ds read it when he's older if he wants to so he will have a clearer idea of what happened and what a w*er his father is.
I too still hate him having ds overnight, although it has got slightly easier to bear the more times hes had him.
I promise it does get easier - not alwaya, I still have days when I just burst into tears and wonder how I'll ever get through it, but other days I honestly feel fine. Every night I go to bed thankful that I have got through another day and that ds and I have created more memories for our new life without him.
On a practical level make sure you find out asap about your maternity pay - even though your contract says that you have to pay it back many companies will be understanding of your situation and can be flexible on the rules, especially if you contact them straight away and they can see the state he has left you in.
Am here if you want to chat, xxx

Hi BE,how are things tonight..? Well I liked your last thread!!!! Now your love and loss is truning to hatred . Honestly you need this to allow you to be strong and to finally move on (I say move on although I understand it's only been a few days since the split..but hope ykwim..)
I was thinking about you last night aftre my last post..about your maternity pay...mmm..well can you not return back to work,work for a week (or so) then get the doctor to sign you off on the sick. My GP is fairly understanding with sick issues and work and I don't think she would think twice if I asked her for a sick note..Maybe you could then be signed off for the 3 months required..?? BUT not sure how this would stand with the fact that you may not be classed as "back at work" so may then be expected to go back for the remainer period..?? Mmmm..something you need to discuss with your sol or maybe a maternity advisor..??? Prob best not to discuss this issue with your HR as I know how sneaky HR can be.! Hope all is ok and glad to hear that you managed to stay positive with x. Not long till dd is back.

ps Don't worry about dd taking after x...it's you who she is with postly. Maybe the idea of a diary is a good one...may help with lots of things....ie keeping a record of issues etc with x...

about the maternity bit: I meant to say " can you return to work,work for a week etc". Its the way we talk "up North" !!!

WEll found out last night that there is someone else involved. He stay with her last Friday when we was still together and he stayed with her last night, appearnatly they have not slept toghether yet but they want to be with each other.

Did a very stupid thing last night and got extremly drunk. Phoned x up and made him doubt the paternity of our dd, screamed, cried and ranted.

After he put the phone down on my at around one o'clock I phoned him back and admitted that of course dd is his and I have no doubt that he is the father. I've told him that I cant bare to be without dd overnight and he can only see her if he visits here with my supervision. He readly agreed to this, gives him more time to spend with his new woman I suppose.

The real kick in the teeth is her name I Emma.
This is the name of my deceased sister who we lost 7 yrs ago and the middle name of my daughter.

How can he do this to me?

I've never felt so hurt and alone in my entire life. I dont know how I can go on. My heart is breaking. Only now he is with someone else I realise how much he meant to me. Well the saying goes you dont know what you've got till its gone.

Feel like I will die of a broken heart.

Well I've just emailed the whore to let her know how I feel. (She works with him in the family company so I know her email address). I have used Mrs Miggins email (hope you dont mind Mrs Miggins) and have changed and added to it to fit my purpose.

It reads

morning (name of slut)

Just to say hope you're sleeping at night as I know I couldnt in your position. How could you steal my family - doesnt matter about me as I'll get over it

• but you have taken my little baby's father away.

If you had an ounce of decency, you would have told (x) to leave me before you started sleeping with him. Loneliness or whatever reason you 2 have used is just rubbish & selfish.

I hope you're both happy hiding your seedy secret cos either (name of family company) and his family have no morals and everyone knows (x) has left his family for you, OR, you are still having to pretend you're "just good friends" while everyone does the "aahhh poor (x) for splitting up from his girlfriend & family"

I wont be spilling the beans if its the latter as you , (X) & I know what rubbish it is and I wont lower myself to your level by entering a slanging match

Just remember, what goes around comes around.
He cheated on me, while I was looking after his beautiful baby so no doubt he will cheat on you. Dont kid yourself that you're different cos Ive already done that.

Incidently regardless of what he has told you, we were still together in every sense of the word - I didnt know he was sleeping around but you knew he was still with me. We had sex on Sunday, two days after he stayed with you and only three days before he left his family and told me by phone - how could you do that to yourself and share someone like that. Total lack of respect for yourself which is probably why you had no respect for my family.

By the way, has he told you that you share the same name as my deceased sister who I named my daughter after. What a kick in the teeth that everytime I think of her I wont be able to help but think of you. You haven't just destroyed my family but also my memories of one of the most important people I've ever had in my life.

You are obviously a slut with no morals and you have broken up my family. I hope you can never have children so he doesn't leave you high and dry with a 6 month old baby to take care of.

People like you are worse than scum I hope you and your family die from long and painful deaths. Then you might feel a tiny percentage of the pain I am now suffering.

(X) was a good and loyal man until you showed up in his life. Your like a disease, killing and destroying families. I hope you break his heart because that what he deserves and a whore like you wouldn't be capable of anything less.

Next time you fuck and feel so pleased with yourself (which would be hard to comprehend knowing what a shit lay he is) I hope once you finsihed you think it was worth it because my daughter will still be hundreds of miles away crying for her daddy being consoled by a mother who is heartbroken.

If you have an ounce of decency you will finish it now and not go near him again in the hope I can repair the family you have destroyed.

Message deleted

Message deleted

Yes Carla I've sent it three times.

She should know how I feel and feel the guilt over it

Message deleted

Where do I find information on private counselling? I feel I need help to get through this and prevent me from making the same mistakes in other relationships in my life including my realationship with my dd.

His family have offered to pay as they feel it will be benefical to dd

You could ask your doctor to recommend someone or just have a look through the Yellow Pages. What does his family say about all this?

His family are supporting him, I feel they are trying to keep me onside so I dont put up any resistance as far as them seeing dd is concerned.

They were embarrassed we had dd out of wedlock, dont know what they going to make of their only granddaughter coming from a broken home.

hope things are OK today Brighteyes

DONT send any more emails - try to be brave in front of H

you are scared for the future as a single mum which is understandable BUT as plenty of people will tell you, not the end of the world.
I actually enjoy weekends more now cos the 3 of us can do what we want rather than waiting for daddy to a) get out of bed b) read his newspaper

its prob more crap cos its Christmas and everyone is going on about love & parties & presents....

My H comes here and expects to make small talk with me about the news etc - Im not interested in ANYTHING he says but he doesnt seem to get it. In some ways I wish my H wanted to pick kids up & disappear for few hours but he just wants to stay in the house! I went out for 3 hours and he seemed surprised that I didnt want to stay in too !
words fail me

he has just driven off with DS car seat and wont come back as he "has a long dricve & has to be up early"
"go and buy another one tomorrow - I'll give you the money"
so tom morning I am walking to local Halfords with buggy & toddler & carrying car seat back OR (H's suggestion) just put DS in normal car seat - "he'll be OK"

he then tells me that all this stress is making him forgetful

what a prat

BE how are you today ? If I was you I would book and see your GP. They should be able to help you,a form of anitdepressents may help for the time being and until you can speak to a councellor (sp?). Like others have said,don' lower youself and send her any more emails as although they make you feel better for the moment you are playing into her hands so to speak...ask yourself, would you really want him back ? a bloke who can make you feel like this ??

I am here if you need a chat...even cat me. xx

BR any news,,???

Oh my Gosh.... Brighteyes, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say but (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but I think it was a bit of a mistake to send that e-mail.

You say that they have 'not yet done anything'. Perhaps she has made him finish with you before sleeping with him. Your relationship has been bad for a while if she has just come one the scene you may be being a bit unfair to her. She may have just been the final straw to make him leave you.

If you upset her, that may upset or make him angry, this could affect how he deals with you finacially and regarding accommodation. Especially if you do even in anger say he in not the father, he could tell the CSA you said that and drag out paying for ages if it ends up going that route..

I hope you come out of this and can be happy but I would advise not to be e-mailing her with this sort of thing.

kathlean to be fair to brighteyes I think she is very upset and the email was sent when she was at a very low point. I'm not sure if you have even been in a position where you are at rock bottom..I know I have and I know that I did things that I now regret and wish I hadn't. Unfortunatly thats life....You say "Perhaps she has made him finish with you before sleeping with him", well in thats case "she" deserves heaps of praise!!!! NOT..! She must have been aware that he had a partner and newborn baby when she got involved with him...ffs she works for the family company.!! Personally I feel they are both at fault (x and the new bird) and deserve each other.

I understand that you feel he may turn on her/against due to comments and actions etc BUT on the otherhand I don't think B.E should take things lying down. She is the victim after all...

I agree with Ssshhh

the ONLY reason I suggested not emailing again is cos BE needs to show him that he is not getting her down

I dont believe that there was nothing going on - thats wishful thinking

someone (not MN amazingly) said to me tghat you need to deal with your anger as you see fit
youve emailed now & got it off your chest - dont give them the satisfaction of doing it again

hope you're ok today BE
big hug from me xx

I know that BE is feeling low. And I do think she does have the right to be extremely peed off over the way he had finished things.

I don't know about his relationship with this other girl. She may be telling him to sort things with his current relationship before she has a relationship with him, they may be bonking like rabbits. All I was saying was that she had said the relationship has not been good and that it probably better they split. Meeting someone else he has feelings for/wants to bonk is just the last part of an ongoing pretty miserable situation all round.

I do agree that this e-mail was sent in the heat of the moment. I just thought that I would point out that it wasn't wise and that it would be best to refrain from doing so again.

Brighteyes, no advice, just hope you're doing ok.

Brighteyes.....are you there..??

yeah still around

not coping to well. just wish he'd come bk.

all I want for xmas is my familt back together

BTW, she never received the email.

The x has access to the server so I asked him to delete it before she got into work

I knew it was a silly thing to do. Doesnt stop me hating the slut though