Just joined the world of single mums

[Brighteyes]

My partner has been working away for the last three days and I haven't even had a phone call from him. At 10.30 I decided to call to find out why he hadn't been in touch.

He tells me that he didn't want to speak to me on the phone and was waiting to see me tomorrow evening to tell me he was leaving.

He's coming home tomorrow to see our 6 month old dd and collect his things then hes moving in with his parents.

He has offered to continue to pay the bills and mortgage till I find an house of my own (the house is in his name although we have always lived here togther). He has agreed to this on the condition that he gets dd at the weekends. He will take her to his parents, I live in Wales, they live in England.

Things have been difficult between us since I was pg. Since having dd he has been aggressive and distant. I no longer love him since he has changed (I have changed too since having the baby and I feel he cant understand why my prioritise have changed)

Although I no longer love him and think its best we split I feel like I've been hit by a brick.

On Sunday night, the night before he left on business, he came to bed and we had sex. When he had finished he just rolled over and turned his back on me. When I asked him tonight why he had initiated sex when he no longer cared about me he said he was just using me and being a man (this has left me feeling really dirty and used)

I have no idea what I'm going to do about money either. Although he's willing to pay the bills for now, I have no money coming in. I'm currently on unpaid maternity. There is no way I can now return to work as I can't drive and he used to take me the 15 mile journey on his way to work. If I dont return to work for the minimum of 3 months then I have to pay back £1500 in maternity pay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this or even how I'm going to feed myself.

There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do. After four years together I cant believe we are separating only 6 months after having dd and only 2 weeks before her first Christmas

What am I going to do?

Dont expect too much of yourself so early on. But try and focus on your DD perhaps and the practical stuff to distract from being upset when he is there. Its hard, there are a few mners going through this that might have some good insights advice???

AWW BRIGHT EYES..I so feel for you. I have been in a similar with dh (then dp) except dd wasn't even thought about. I totally understand where you are coming from. I know its hard but you really need to be strong. If you can be strong while he is there at least when he goes you can show your true feelings. Personally it does sound like someone else is involved but it may also be the fact that things are geting to much for him..?? Some blokes have kind of panic attacks now and then when they think about the responsability of life..things us women deal with daily!!
Well dh & I sorted out our differences and after a 3 months split we got back together and the rest is history. We used to have major and I mean major arguments and the one described by your P below sounded familiar ...
You must stay strong though for the sake of your dd. I wouldn't move out of the home and would consider seeking legal advice ASAP. I would also have the locks changed BUT this all depends on how your P would react..??

Hows things gone today..? I know its hard but begging is not going to change anything. Ask yourself "do you really want someone back in your life who could do this to you"..? You need to both have space. Give it time and your feeling WILL change. That I promise !!

think you've hit the nail on the head there snowqueen.

Feel totally out of control and like hes dictating everything.

Has really knocked my confidence in regard to my judgement of people. Really thought I knew him but the things he has said and done in the last two days have totally shocked me I didnt think he was capable of them.

Shhh I know that I dont want him in my life anymore because he truly brings out the worst in me. I'm ashamed of the person I am with his influence. I have no friends because when we met he criticised them all for being slags and tarts. This continued till I felt I was being branded with the same brush for being around them so stopped seeing them.

Lucky I have a very supportive family who have been brilliant the last few days.

Don't forget sometimes we all say thing in the heat of the moment that we regret afterwards...
The part you mentioned about not having control and he has..well you can turn this around. If P can see you moving on (as much as possible), being civil to him when you see him, being adult about the situation and discussing the furture as seperate adults maybe this will make you feel better and may make him realise that you are making the change to get on with your life. You both said that things have not been good for a while and that this is what you both wanted...although the future apart seems scary and daunting, you must admit it must be better than how you feel now..?

Some men are like that though Brighteyes. My xp can come across as very charming and the most reasonable man ever, but he just isn't, it's a big act and some people know the truth, others are taken in by it.

I really wouldn't agree to any of his requests until you have taken legal advice. If you really don't love him anymore, this won't be as hard as you fear, if you are convinced you are doing the right thing, becoming a single mum won't be that difficult.

I don't want anything for the computer, would be glad to get it out of the house. Might need some help with postage though.

Brighteyes...rephrase that...you DO have friends..US !!!! Ok Cyber ones but who cares...! We do..!! .

Well, i dont know your dx but sometimes some people do or say nasty things in such a manner as to make people hate them, push them away because it makes it easier for them and for others involved.

SHHHH is right too. Put a brave face on as best you can, and save the tears for after he has gone.

Its early days yet but his walking out the door now means you are free to live your life the way YOU want to now, and you have NO-ONE to answer to.

Shhh thank you, you make so much sense. If I was thinking straight I would be realising these things for myself but when you're so emotional you need them pointing out to you.

As far as changing the locks etc. I'm really trying my best to remain civil and not aggrevate the situation. He has offered me far more financial help than I would get through the CSA so for the time being I feel like I'm stepping on eggshells to make sure this continues.

I see ypir point totally BUT you shouln't be the one stepping on egg shells..you are not in the wrong or the one who has decide to move on. You have both got a child together and she is your priority. What you are doing is to ensure she has a stable future.Whatever the outcome.
I'm not knowledgeable on CSA and payments so can't offer you advice on that but I would say that you need to speak to them to see if it should be noted that he's left etc. He may be amicable now but what happens or could happen months or yeard down the line is a different story. I am sure that they will be happy that he's keen to make payments BUT I am sure they will want to make a file note..??? You may also want to post on MN single parents topic for advice..????

Shhh I am seeing the CAB to discuss where I stand regarding maintenance, benefits, staying in the house -and the one praying on my mind the most- paying back my maternity pay.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but there seems to be so much to do when all I really want to do is cry into my pillow.

I am trying to remain pro-active though, dont want chance to dwell on it to much. Have even done all my washing and ironing today to keep me occupied including bedding and curtains.

How crazy is this? Found myself ironing the clothes he had left in the laundry this afternoon. Then it dawned on me I dont have to do things for him anymore and just stuffed them in a binliner for him to collect tomorrow.

Am bumping Mrs Miggins thread as i think you might find it useful.

I would take the sissors to his clothes make you feel better..well until he came to collect them anyway ..!
You do need to keep busy as it will keep your mind off things. Welldone with going to see the CSA, you need to at least start getting advice. Also see a solicitors. I think usually the 1st half hr is free so at least you can get basics from them and mainly see if you think your and the sol are suited..You need to know he/she will flight your case well!!!.

Forgot to ask...why do you need to pay back mat pay..? Did you get more than the government (?) set amount..? Did you company pay you an additional amount. Its very few companies who make you pay it back..well from what I had heard anyway.

Snowqueen I'm reading through MM's thread now. No way I can go to bed yet. Need to wait till I'm exhausted so I dont lie there just brooding over things.

Shhh I got paid 1.5k over the SMP. My contract reads "Payment in excess of SMP is made on the undeerstanding that the emplyee will return to duty for a period of at least three months. I fthe emplyee fails to return and excess will be refunded back to the company"

Brighteyes off to bed now. Go and get some sleep yourself as your days are now long enough. Sleep tight.You know where I am xx

Cannot return to work because xp was my only means of transport. The job is 15 miles away, I cant drive and its not accessible by public transport

Thanks Shhh you've been great. Will let you know how it goes tomorrow. Goodnight

ah right....mmm can you come to an agreement with your HR..? Maybe your p can may a payment out of a settlement..??? Just to pay off this debt..? I would speak to your HR first as you need to see where you stand. Once you know then decided. Take one step at a time...you really should get some sleep as your dd will be up soon and you need to make sure you are ready for her. Try bach Rescue remedy..works a treat. x

havent got time to post properly but just wanted to say hang in there
its only been 5 weeks for me but I do feel better already
for me (if you read the thread) Ive been ill most of this year with depression and now hes gone, its as ig the fog has finally gone

unfortunately you may feel you have to tread carefully cos you need money and it is worrying but you should be entitled to legal aid and a free 30 min consultation with a solicitor will help give you some basic ino

will post tonight
xx

Well he's just collected dd. I didnt cry or shout or get angry. I made a few childish catty comments but I couldnt help myself. I remained strong though after getting insipiration from your thread Mrs Miggins. Look forward to any advice you can give.

I have the pc overnight since he couldn't fit it in the car with the rest of the stuff.

He started walking round the house and going up the stairs and I stopped him, I told him straight, it may be his house but its no longer his home.

Only thing thats really upsetting me at the moment is the fact I'm going to be apart from dd. I've never been away from her longer than 5 hrs before and shes wont be home till 6pm tomorrow. Hope she gives him hell.

Well going to try and remain strong and keep myself busy. Think I will pamper myself today, its not often I get a break.

good for you BE
go and pamper yourself and try to enjoy your break

Hi Brighteyes, I've nothing to add, only (((hugs))).

Thinking of you xx

I am not looking forward to losing my 2 kids either Brighteyes
H says "look at it that Im borrowing them"
great
I didnt ask to be single mum and on top of that, I have long periods away from them too.

still I know its coming & will just have to make the most of it

your H sounds just like mine in his attitude & I think that the comment of being nasty to make you hate him etc might be right....or they are just knobs as Kickers said

sounds to me like your H has been having an affair as who manages to start dating within 2 days of leaving wife?
remember this and realise you dont want to be with a cheat

Ive cried today though - went to children's Xmas party with lots of friends and watched my DS helping one of his friends daddy put a bouncy castle away - made me sad that he wasnt doing that with H.
I bet he will never go to a Xmas party with H again as he will be part time daddy
still his loss as fortunately i have plenty of family & friends around to look out for my children

hope things go OK & that you are back on line soon - I have found MN very supportive and not "man bashing"

Thanks Mrs Miggins.

Just called x to find out how dd is, hes so cold and heartless. Feel like I'm being punished for his decision to leave, why should I be seperated from my tiny, beautiful little girl because he is not man enough to commit to being part of a family.

He is an immature coward who couldn't face up to his responsibilites. He's run away because he hasn't the balls to be a real man and stick by his family through thick and thin. I hate him, just hope the spineless bastard doesn't have to much influence over my darling little girl, I would hate for her to pick up any of his pathetic flaws.

can you not go back to work for a day then go on the sick evryone used to do it at my old work as they have returned its not your fault if the doctor thinks your unfit for work as a result of your relationship breakdown?