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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just joined the world of single mums

116 replies

Brighteyes · 07/12/2005 23:46

My partner has been working away for the last three days and I haven't even had a phone call from him. At 10.30 I decided to call to find out why he hadn't been in touch.

He tells me that he didn't want to speak to me on the phone and was waiting to see me tomorrow evening to tell me he was leaving.

He's coming home tomorrow to see our 6 month old dd and collect his things then hes moving in with his parents.

He has offered to continue to pay the bills and mortgage till I find an house of my own (the house is in his name although we have always lived here togther). He has agreed to this on the condition that he gets dd at the weekends. He will take her to his parents, I live in Wales, they live in England.

Things have been difficult between us since I was pg. Since having dd he has been aggressive and distant. I no longer love him since he has changed (I have changed too since having the baby and I feel he cant understand why my prioritise have changed)

Although I no longer love him and think its best we split I feel like I've been hit by a brick.

On Sunday night, the night before he left on business, he came to bed and we had sex. When he had finished he just rolled over and turned his back on me. When I asked him tonight why he had initiated sex when he no longer cared about me he said he was just using me and being a man (this has left me feeling really dirty and used)

I have no idea what I'm going to do about money either. Although he's willing to pay the bills for now, I have no money coming in. I'm currently on unpaid maternity. There is no way I can now return to work as I can't drive and he used to take me the 15 mile journey on his way to work. If I dont return to work for the minimum of 3 months then I have to pay back £1500 in maternity pay. I have no idea how I'm going to do this or even how I'm going to feed myself.

There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do. After four years together I cant believe we are separating only 6 months after having dd and only 2 weeks before her first Christmas

What am I going to do?

OP posts:
SnowQueenVictoria · 08/12/2005 21:03

There's nothing to debate here.

GemgleBells · 08/12/2005 21:05

Just a quick question. Does Brighteyes know your posting under her name? Do you always butt in on her conversations?

podkin · 08/12/2005 21:05

Friendly word - why don't you get off the computer and continue your discussions with your partner to try and resolve this situation for your daughter's sake. Your partner has been on here for a bit of emotional support - something which men obviously don't need, and it looks like she has had some sound advice. Lets hope both of you are able to remain as amicable as possible, given the circumstances.

Original poster
Brighteyes · 08/12/2005 21:12

Genuine post by brighteyes.

I apologise that my ex feels he needs to come on here and argue with peoples comments when like stated I have only come on here looking for advice and giving only the facts required.

I will no longer post on these forums as I used it as a sounding board which didn't involve people in my real life. I am sad its come to this.

Thank you for everyone that as given me advice and support while I have been a member.

Looks like xp will not give up until hes broken me down.

Hes already had me crying to him tonight looking to make things work. (He didnt even stay long enough today for us to talk face to face).

I hope I will become stronger and realise I can't make this work on my own, if hes not willing to try then I have to start a fresh life.

thanks again

bye xxx

OP posts:
kickers · 08/12/2005 21:15

don't stop posting change your name

podkin · 08/12/2005 21:16

Wishing you lots of luck for the future Brighteyes - even though none of us know you, I am sure we all feel the same.

SnowQueenVictoria · 08/12/2005 21:16

Dont leave brighteyes.

you can name change if you dont want xp to recognise your future posts.

kickers · 08/12/2005 21:25

i stand by my comment that he is a knob

GemgleBells · 08/12/2005 21:27

I agree with SQV and knickers. Don't let him chase you away if you don't want to go.

I agree with knickers on all points

kickers · 08/12/2005 21:29

Knickers??!!??? I beg your pardon

lol

SnowQueenVictoria · 08/12/2005 21:34

pmsl at knickers - not once but twice

GemgleBells · 08/12/2005 21:34

Sorry kickers. Nappy brain kicked in again.

doormat · 09/12/2005 16:46

brighteyes x
although agree that there are always 2 sides to an argument
you are nothing but a controlling dickhead
this is not mudslinging btw but an observation in your post
not all men are bad bastards but you clearly are
and if you had one ounce of compassion for the mother of your dd
you would allow her the dignity to ask us for advice and have some kind of emotional feedback from us mnetters
instead of controlling her

your x will be very alone and confused these next few months and will need advice

fair enough you dont love her anymore, and I am an advocate of not staying with partner for sake of kids
but dont be so bloody cold towards her
and be amiable towards her as she is the mother of your dd.

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 09/12/2005 17:51

brighteyes..don't go,keep posting as we are all concerned about you. I am off you "due in may thread" and im so sad to hear what's happened. Our dd is the same age (6months) and I don't know what I would do if it was me in your position . I will cat you.....

All I can say is that I'm sorry you missed the b&&&&&& with the candle sick holder,maybe you should do a better job next time ...

Are you there..???

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 09/12/2005 17:55

brighteyes,unable to CAT you as you won't accept them. Please let me know if you want to chat further. xx

Original poster
Brighteyes · 09/12/2005 18:57

pmsl at missing with the candlestick.

thanks everyone for the support especially sshhh.

Unfortunatly even with a new username I will no longer be able to continue using mumsnet because the x is collecting the pc tomorrow.

I will try and log on occasionaly from my dads pc but in the meantime bye from me xxx

OP posts:
SHHHHsantaiscoming · 09/12/2005 20:02

take care brighteyes. Make sure you come back to let us know how you get on. Sad that you have to leave us but hopefully not for long. I hope you have a lovely 1st christmas with dd if you don't speak to us sooner. 2006 will be a happier year for you. xx

partypooka · 09/12/2005 20:56

Good luck Brighteyes. Enjoy your dd. Hope the dXXXhead ex gets his comeuppance.

Original poster
Brighteyes · 09/12/2005 23:28

Anyone around? Could use someone to talk to while I still have the pc tonight (and the ex isn't reading this thread)

OP posts:
SnowQueenVictoria · 09/12/2005 23:30

here !

Do you know you can get your posts/threads deleted before you go if you dont want him to see everything.

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 09/12/2005 23:33

Brighteyes, im also here. Is all ok..?? xx

FrostyTheRickman · 09/12/2005 23:33

Why is he taking the computer?

I have an old one you could have if you wanted, my cousin gave it to me, it is very basic but he definitely used to get online with it.

How are you feeling?

Original poster
Brighteyes · 09/12/2005 23:36

Hi Snowqueen.

Now hes had his rant dont think he will bother coming back on here anyway.

Feel so ashamed of myself. After dd went to bed last night I sat and cried for hours. Then I was such a fool and called him begging him to come back. I'm so stupid. I dont even want him back I'm just scared to be alone and a single mum.

Today we were trying to finalise things and I kept getting upset and questioning him.

Why did I keep asking questions when I didnt want to hear the answers?
He told me he no longer loves me, likes me or even cares for me. Although I no longer love him he is still the father of my dd and I can't just cut out all feelings for him.

He told me he is ready to start dating again and I should do the same. We split 2 days ago ffs.

I have my suspicions that someone else is involved. I know he spent the night at a female colleages house on Friday night after a night on the piss but he says nothing went on. I think I would be pretty naive not to even have doubts.

How do I stay strong tomorrow when he comes to collect dd? I dont want to end up making a fool of myself and crying and begging for him to come back.

Why does it hurt so much if I no longer love him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brighteyes · 09/12/2005 23:40

Sorry crossed post.

Hi Shhh and rickman.

thanks for the kind offer rickman but money is going to be so tight dont think I will be able to afford the luxury of the internet. Will be able to logon at my dads on a regular basis though so will continue to use mumsnet. Don't see why its another think I should let him ruin for me.

OP posts:
SnowQueenVictoria · 09/12/2005 23:41

Im no expert, but i think probably its because he has made the choice/decision about your future and you dont feel like you have any control over it, even though its the best thing for everyone (except your DD perhaps).

Its hard not too be upset by something/someone who has been part of your life for so long, however negative their influence, a bit like a bad habit i guess. Time makes things easier (cliche i know but so true).

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