to tell DH to stop acting like a petulant stroppy toddler

[BringOnTheSunshine]

and to get a grip!

I have also posted this in behaviour.

Background bit: DS 4 1/2, DD 2 1/2. I work 12.5 hours at the weekend and DH works M-F 12 hour shifts.

I am currently at loggerheads with DH about his, in my opinion, unreasonable expectations about the behaviour of our children.

He has been on holiday this week (he did DIY all week) and I have been taking the kids out every day so he gets peace to work. Wed night he is tired and getting grumpy with us all...fair enough, he is tired! He stops talking except to give one word answers. Thursday evening at dinner DD falls off the dining chair after numerous tellings to sit still. DH blows up and starts shouting at me for not watching her.... he was standing behind her chair and I was sitting two chairs away still attempting to eat my own dinner. We have words in the other room about him shouting at me and he goes back to one word answers.

We decided to spend yesterday out of the house together so he gets at least one day of rest. It starts badly as I put the wrong bin out...first time in 12 years, and he starts ranting about me spending all my time sitting about reading books or on the computer rather than doing what I am "suppose to do". We spent the entire 1 1/2 hour journey there barely speaking. We went to a local attraction, got lunch in a restaurant and were suppose to take the kids on a boat ride at the lake but DH stormed to the car in a toddler huff and we ended up going home.... again he wasn't speaking to any of us.

I dropped him at home and took the kids out and didn't come home till 7pm. He had slept on the chair the whole time. He got up to eat his dinner then went back to the couch. He didn't speak or interract with any of us until the kids were in bed then he told me they were "doing his head in"

This evening after another similar day of ignoring the kids and giving me single word answers I decided I was beyond pissed off and asked him what his problem is.

The list of complaints include our children being too loud. too boisterous, too whiney and they behaved "like animals" at the restaurant.

They were not shouting or screaming, but DS has a habit of talking loudly when excited. He needs frequent reminders to lower his volume but he was not disturbing other diners. At one point both children put their heads down on the seat and were told to sit up, which they did. DD dropped her fork twice. The first time when we arrived and she started playing with them as I was taking off jackets etc and the second when she was eating and it fell. Both ate the food that was served. They were not throwing food, climbing over us to get out the booth. Running around the chairs, screeching, swearing or hitting people. I actually thought they behaved reasonable well.

The problem we both agree on is the moaning, huffing and generally irritating behaviour that drives us both bonkers. They whined about one wanted to see one thing, another something else. DS went huffy because DD sat beside me and he wanted to...But I have also pointed out that this is NORMAL.

This evening he told me that I am obviously not discipling them enough as they have to be told 100 + times not to jump on the couch, to sit still at the table, to speak quietly and not shout.

I say ... they are 2 and 4 get a bloody grip.

so AIBU or is DH right?

I hope so too. I would like to change my name to something positive!

sincitylover, He sounds like mine in a lot of ways. I am not near where you are yet but it sounds like you are still suffering with his treatment of you. Every thread I have read in relationships advises cutting all contact unrelated to dc and ignoring everything else (easier said than done)

I hope someone with more experience comes on to give you advice.

It wasn't your fault he decided to treat you that way. You got away from him! well done for being strong enough.

sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread. Hope what I have said has been useful.

If he accepted responsibility for his actions then at least you would know it wasn't anything you did....and it wasn't! TBH It won't change what happened either way. He was an arse, you escaped his control and saved yourself (and your dc) years of misery.

Have you read any of the emotional abuse threads? They certainly helped me understand what was happening.

Why they do it???? because they can, they want to, and they wear you down until you accept it as normal/your fault.

I have been reading the Lundy book since the dc went to bed and holy crap I am scared, gutted, shocked..... Another chance! Right now I am thinking that H has had one too bloody many chances. The section on abusive parents was horrendous to read. The guy Tom is so much like my H. He is cherishing dd but screaming at ds and putting him down. He gives the "unlike your mother" statements.....he is organised, he is fun, he knows how to disclipline

I do all the work and he plays at being a great fun dad in public...and he is ...at times....while critisising everything I try to do.

I suggested anger management, couples therapy and parent classes but it doesn't sound like they are the way to go.

My brain hurts right now!

I haven't mentioned online, (though I told my cousin), During the trip h was so frustrated at ds he growled he was "going to kick your fucking head in". Also, that when dd fell off the chair h not only ranted but kicked the chair so hard it battered off the dining table and the leg hit ds leg. He wasn't hurt...shocked and scared. I went to h and told him what he had done and got more abuse. No apology for ds, no asking if he was ok. Just ranting about her fall being my fault, his anger and frustration being my fault.

Over the last year I have watched my ds go from a loving boy to someone who shouts, is critical and started hitting and initially wondered why

he had changed so much. What the hell have I allowed to happen to my kids.

I am so freaked out now. Another chance hahahaha. Fuck me. NO! How do I start moving him out?

BOTS - I'm sure that there'll be some people along with some more pratical advise - just wanted to reply so you know there's someone listening. You've gone on a long journey since the beginning of the thread.

How much support do you think you'll be able to get from family and friends? Can you take the kids away for a week? What is your feeling on how he's going to deal with this? Will you be in physical danger?

Perhaps CAB would be able to answer some questions whilst he's at work today

On a practical side, see if you can make copies of important papers and get them somewhere safe, can you get yourself some emergency money sorted, and have a bag with essentials for you and the children stashed somewhere if you think it will go unnoticed.

BringOnTheSunshine, I feel so much sympathy for you. It must be so bewildering seeing this kind of behaviour. Good on you for realising that this can't go on: you're doing the right thing for not only your son but you and your daughter too. None of you deserve to be around someone who behaves in the way he does.

I am heading to my cousins this morning to speak to her. I am contacting a few people, solicitor, mortgage advisor and my work to see where I stand. I do all the budgeting and have the only access to all the money, (he refused every time I tried to get him involved/online access).

I will need to work out if I could afford to buy him out and live here on only one wage.

I realised this morning that his agreement to stay didn't include any words of realisation for what he has done, no sorry, no plan to change. I intended speaking to him after reading the Lundy book about our/his issues and how to work on changing.....but he has made zero effort to so/say anything. He is treating this like an argument that will blow over and things will revert to normal. I guess that is the way it has always gone. He will be chuffued with himself because I mopped the kitchen floor yesterday which was one of his moans (mopping the floor is not unusual for me, I just hadn't done it last week due to him ripping up the house and having decorators in).

I have a busy day ahead now.

zero effort to do/say

BOTS, I have been lurking on your thread so far, as I didn't have anything to add

Seeing your wake-up calls and lightbulb moments, particularly in your latest posts has prompted me to jump in and wish you lots of luck in getting this abusive man out of your life

The way he treats you, and particularly your son, is despicable. Please protect your son from this man.

Wow, you sound really pro-active. Think you're doing the right thing, he does not seem like someone who wants to or will change if you stay with him.

Agree with others that you need to take care.

Even before you go, or ask him to go, may sense the change in you and behave worse.

So sorry about what he did / is doing to ds and dd. So sad for all of you.

There is lots of info online about the practical stuff. Make sure stuff like finances are ready to go into in your name only so he can't spend on joint credit cards / clear accounts and you'd be liable. Gather the important documents etc.

With respect to the house, don't make him any financial offers, that can all be sorted later on. But even if you have to move, that is OK if it makes you and the dc happier in the long run!

My cousin has confirmed I am not an attention seeking useless crazy person...I knew she would but there is always the voice in my head...am I overreacting, did these things really happen etc It is crazy that my own brain is always working against me.

I have told my mum...just the basics of my decision, so everything is in the open.

My work are happy to give extra shifts.

The solicitor is arranged for tomorrow afternoon and the Mortgage advisor will phone me back tomorrow.

I am busy organising things and taking care of the kids. I keep waiting to collapse ina sobbing heap...don't get me wrong, I have cried, but I just don't feel like my heart is broken. I feel strong, confident and capable....and angry!

Must be my anger that is pushing me on! Heres to anger though as I don't drink would be better

and big, hearty meal!

BOTS I have been lurking on this thread too and I am so glad you are taking steps to move on and away. You are doing yourself and your DCs and enormous favour - and you all deserve better. It sounds like you are going to be sussed work-wise too - you will get through this.

Wow, just read all of this. You could be describing my XH in very many ways. A few years on (he eventually started an affair and I was able to find the strength to kick him out when it was uncovered) and life is infinitely easier without him, even bringing up two small dc's with very little help. You don't realise what a big dark cloud these men cast until they're gone and it lifts.

Wishing you all the strength in the world to carry on what you've started. I have no doubt that you're doing the right thing for all of you.

Thanks for the tea and food. It is nice not to have someone make me stuff for a change [grin ]

Tonight I feel sad. Thinking of the good times, (of course we had some), of our plans for the kids, our house, our lives together. It just seems such a waste. I can't believe my eyes were closed for so long. I was busily planning a life with this man while he was happily sucking me dry. Ok.... sad and angry.

We have barely spoken since Sunday and I don't want even to look at him. Partly because I am so angry and partly because he still looks like the man I fell in love with. He has the same lovely brown eyes and smile that makes me want to join in. I am so dissapointed that he could have been so good, we could have been happy as a family but he can't/won't be that man.

I know the kids will be ok. I just hope he can at least be the dad they need even though we can't be together.

I know he senses something in the air. I don't know if he has realised I have left him (IYSWIM) Part of me feels like I am betraying him by keeping my plans to myself until I am ready, another part feels bad for how he will feel when I tell him we are over. This limbo is hard. It is easier when he is not here. Looking in the window tonight people would have seen a husband and wife sitting watching a dvd, no obvious signs of a break up in progress. Except he was on a different chair and we didn't speak at all during the film.

pointythings, thanks. I am hoping the end is clean...I don't want to take him for everything or use the kids against him or ....actually bother with him again. I want to be fair and hope we can be better parents than husband and wife. I don't want to feel hate/love or anything for him.

carlywurly, A dark cloud, Yes! I have been living with simmering resentment, bitterness and anger for the last few years. I have lived in a fog of confusion, anxiety and worry. It already feels better, I feel more like me! My mood is brighter, I am more relaxed with the dc and feel life could be good. There is a glimmer or light and freedom ahead. I just have to work through the practical sides of life first.

Yes it will be better.
V much like my exP in many of your Lundy type anecdotes

Be warned tho he probably won't go quietly.
He thrives on having you and dc around on some level

But if you can decide your boundaries in advance it might help eg when and where he will see dc etc and use "parrot"technique whereby you don't argue or explain any more and dont listen to his promises to change etc but just repeat the facts - it is over you will see dc I suggest this schedule etc

I am thinking of asking my cousin to be here when I tell him. I thought of asking her to take the kids out at the weekend but that would leave me alone in the house with him and I have no idea how he will react.

I am hoping having her upstairs telling the kids a bed time story will keep them distracted while also giving me some support if I need it.

He left a note this morning asking me to pay for wallpaper today to decorate the hall. My name wasn't even on it, just the simple request, no love, no names. It actually made me cry looking at it and thinking that this is our future communication. Text messages, biref phone calls...all business
At least I am hoping we can manage civil communication.

cestlavielife, my head is spinning even thinking of how to manage contact. Because of his long days M-F he only has weekends but I don't expect/want him to take the dc every weekend. I will also be working more shifts so have to work around childcare...once I get something organised.

At work I deal with giving bad news to people and am used to giving support to them. I was thinking the simple unbelished truth....Our marriage is over would be the best way to start. I can honestly tell him I have no more love, care, feelings in me to give...and he has no time to change that. Now it is time to make plans for seperate lives.

Is it unbelished or unembellished???? Am I even using the right word?

What do I take to the solicitors today???? will they need financial records etc.

It helps to read back my posts and all the support I have been given. Even knowing this is right doesn't make it easy.

Are you going to ask him to leave ?
and if he refuses to go elsewhere?

Yes I will ask him to leave. I have no idea what to do if he refuses. I am heading out to the solicitor now.

Any hints or tips?

Hi BOTS, I've just caught up with this thread. How'd did you get on with the solicitor?

It is officially over now. I spoke to H on Wedesday night and we have spent most of the time since then in misery.

H has had all kinds of realisations...most of which I would previously have welcomed with joy, relief and hope. Now I am just empty! I feel so cold and cruel but while he has begged and broken down I have remained solid and focussed.

This is the end, I will not take him back.

Well done you! Life will get so much better now. Please don't even consider taking him back, all his begging and whining is bullshit, he doesn't love you, he just doesn;t want to lose his home comforts and his punchbags.