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Original poster

My partner doesn't read - it's irritating me, am I being unreasonable

134 replies

MyPeaceLily · 12/08/2011 09:21

I've been with my new partner for nearly a year, we don't live together but are talking about it. However, as a really minor niggle, my partner doesn't read and it annoys me.

I'm not some massive bibliophile, but reading is a part of my life, I've always got a book on the go. However, DP, is a clever man (he's a doctor), but in the time I've known him has got through half a book on a business/management type theme.

Am I being unreasonable here, or is this a valid niggle?

OP posts:
Lady1nTheRadiator · 13/08/2011 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

groak · 13/08/2011 07:43

MyPeacelily:

why not show your dp this thread? After reading it I'm sure he'll make a decision for you. You sound like a right charmer.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 13/08/2011 08:04

I'm going with a little from column b, a little from column c, wiggles

You know who are interminably dull? People who think that reading (or listening to Radio 4, or watching improving documentaries) is a pre-requisite of an "interesting person".

If you have so little imagination, so little spark that you can't find the value in people who don't share your habits, then leave this guy alone and find a man as tedious, closed-minded and snobbish as you are.

I'm a reader, married to a reader. Reading is a big part of who I am and always has been since I learnt to read when I was 3. But I don't think that makes me better than people who are into different things.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 13/08/2011 08:09

So OP what you are implying is, unless we all agree with you then our views are not relevant. I love reading my DH doesn't. That neither makes me dull or him thick. Jog on.

seachange · 13/08/2011 08:50

Wow OP. Wow. I don't think I've read anything as rude and uncalled for as your last post in a long time. I hope you wake up this m

seachange · 13/08/2011 08:51

morning and regret it, because it says far far more about you, than "not reading" says about your partner.

Unbelievable.

BagofHolly · 13/08/2011 09:57

Yanbu. My exP reads but he sometimes used to put forks in the spoons bit of the drawers. He went on to a huge drink and gambling problem. I wish id heeded the Red flags. Bin him.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2011 10:00

Do you think the forks and the spoons led him to drink, Holly? Sounds like it should have led you to drink!

AliGrylls · 13/08/2011 10:04

Questions you need to ask yourself OP - do you have stuff in common with him? If you have loads of things to talk about then it is not important.

Why does he not read? If it's because he has a really job then it is also fair enough.

I do understand a bit where you are coming from but he sounds like an educated man and so long as he has stuff to talk about does it matter.

RabbitPie · 13/08/2011 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BagofHolly · 13/08/2011 10:09

Imperialblether, I don't know, I've had counselling but I still can't find the answers within myself! There was other stuff too. Not sorting the washing properly, leaving the toilet seat up, it went on and on. The abuse, the regret. If only I'd listened to my gut! I'd have KNOWN! All the signs were there!

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2011 10:13

Honestly the problems some women have, Holly. I'm so glad you left him.

Having said that, I know I'd prefer to live with someone who read books, just because it's one of my main interests. I could put up with the knives and forks (just) but not the lack of reading! I think though the deal breaker would be if he wanted the tv on all the time - that would drive me crazy.

Vicky2011 · 13/08/2011 10:15

Having read your last post I think you should leave your DP so that he can find himself a less judgemental and condescending partner who will appreciate what he has achieved in entering such a demanding and competitive profession.

Frankly, you sound awful.

TrillianAstra · 13/08/2011 10:16

Initial thoughts:

1 - are you a reading snob who thinks that not-reading means someone is thick?
2 - is he like Matilda's dad, asking "what d'you want to do that for, reading's boring"?

If neither of the above - what's the big deal?

Some people like to go fishing, or to knit, or to play computer games, or to research family trees, would they be as irritated as this if their partner doesn't share their hobby?

Original poster
MyPeaceLily · 13/08/2011 10:21

I apologise, I wrote that when drunk last night - I didn't mean what I wrote, and didn't intend it to be taken literally, I intended it as almost an extreme version of my niggles, not to suggest that people who don't read are thick.

Again, sorry to those I offended

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 13/08/2011 10:22

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't think about things, who didn't imagine things and who, well, didn't have some sort of inner life.

Blether that's a very interesting thought and I haven't heard it said out loud before. Well done.

TrillianAstra · 13/08/2011 10:25

It seems to be the idea that reading is not just a thing you do but a thing that defines who you are and influences your personality much more than any other activity.

I think it's possible to get the things you desire in a partner (thinking about the world, intellectual curiosity, whatever) without reading books, and I also think it's possible to read a lot of books and not have them open your mind. It depends on what you read and how you read it.

didyouseewhatshedid · 13/08/2011 10:42

Forget the reading. What's he like in the sack OP?

garlicbutter · 13/08/2011 10:49

Blether's term, "inner life", sums it up perfectly for me. Watching TV is more of a passive exercise. You can learn plenty from it; you can have your horizons expanded and your preconceptions challenged; you can engage with other lives and other perspectives. But reading calls on the imagination far more. Same with video games and suchlike. Your mind becomes fully engaged; your skills and intellect are challenged, but the potentials have all been pre-determined by the game developers.

When 1,000 people read the same book, they have 1,000 different experiences. Each reader visualises the characters and places (whether it's fiction or not), attaches significance to certain elements, imagines sounds and so on, in their own way. You could say the same about music and visual art (and audio books), but all other media spoon-feed their audience.

People who don't read, ime, lack the will or ability to create a life in their mind. Those who do lack it, don't understand it - and that is a dealbreaker for me.

Vicky2011 · 13/08/2011 11:04

I think garlicbutter has in some way explained why I have so much sympathy with the OP's partner. Reading is actually hard work and after a seriously full on working day, I can well understand why he wouldn't want to think about anything. It's the implication that this makes him dull and insular that I object too, more likely he's simply knackered!

KenDoddsDadsDog · 13/08/2011 11:08

My DH doesn't read much and I'm a bookworm. But he loves other things more than I do.
And it's very handy on holiday if I want to read and DD wants to go in the pool Grin

jenniec79 · 13/08/2011 11:10

Oi mamachoo that's just not true or fair!

I have always devoured books; from well pre-school right through med.school and now in work. I'm not unusual in that respect among my collegues. OK I don't see reference books as a relaxing break anymore, and if I've got deadlines approaching for my (ongoing) exams (MSc this year, fellowship exams probably another 2 away) then I might well have less fiction on the go, but there's always a "NON-WORK" book of some sort on the go.

jenniec79 · 13/08/2011 11:15

Oops, didn't mean to press send yet!

It's completely unfair to say that doctors aren't rounded in literature. Like saying sweeping statements about any other career group - or, to steal an example that gets MNers het up, generalisations about SAHMs!

Some PEOPLE read more than others. Some people who choose to spend there money that way OWN a load of books, others stick 'em on a kindle (so you maybe don't see them) and yet more use the library, so you can't even tell a reader from their bookcase!

I do think working in healthcare has made me more of a reader though - nice to spend some of my downtime NOT interacting with people!

BagofHolly · 13/08/2011 11:16

Good point, Didyou. You can't read and shag. And if you can, you're doing it wrong.

garlicbutter · 13/08/2011 11:16

I see what you mean, I think, Vicky. I'll read more challenging books when I have plenty of free time - after a heavy day, I prefer a bit of chick-lit or the middle section of the Daily Mail for brain relief!

You get the point about reading, though, whereas people like my non-reading ex really don't. It's not the "reading books" per se - he used reference manuals, read company reports if he had to - but his imagination was so different from mine (and seemed limited, to me.) I found I'm simply incompatible with that.