Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My partner doesn't read - it's irritating me, am I being unreasonable

134 replies

MyPeaceLily · 12/08/2011 09:21

I've been with my new partner for nearly a year, we don't live together but are talking about it. However, as a really minor niggle, my partner doesn't read and it annoys me.

I'm not some massive bibliophile, but reading is a part of my life, I've always got a book on the go. However, DP, is a clever man (he's a doctor), but in the time I've known him has got through half a book on a business/management type theme.

Am I being unreasonable here, or is this a valid niggle?

OP posts:

MummyAnnabella · 12/08/2011 18:20

I get it - I am a reader. Dh isn't. I wish he was. He watches crap tv instead.

On the other hand woman he is a doctor -marry him!

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 12/08/2011 18:21

Emma I started off thinking that

JaneBennet · 12/08/2011 18:30

I'm another one with a non-reading DH. DH watches any old random rubbish on TV as well as the food channels and animal type documentaries; I don't. It doesn't bother me as I have plenty of other things to be doing while he's watching TV.

Either let it go or move on and find someone who you feel you will be able to spend many, many waking moments with.

garlicbutter · 12/08/2011 18:33

I had a realtionship with a non-reader. I, too, thought it would be unreasonable to mind about it. But, as it turned out, I did! As you say, reading isn't "a hobby": it's a signal of having an imagination; being able to involve yourself in other scenarios; having an open mind.

XP got all arsey when I tried out a new sex trick (the frozen vodka and hot coffee blow job, if you're intersted) that I'd picked up from a novel I was reading. I had to show him the bloody page in the book to convince him I was neither cheating nor consulting sex manuals Also, he got jealous of my reading, which is very fucking annoying, and there were strange cultural gaps due to books that most people have read, but he hadn't.

He was work-obsessed, too. After a while I realised it was his only reliable topic of conversation ... and, even then, I found myself offering him advice & insights based on stuff I'd read!

So, no, it's not a minor niggle for me either.

wigglesrock · 12/08/2011 18:40

I love reading, always have done, my sister still jokes that I was the only 6 year old she ever knew who asked Santa for books. My husband doesn't read, sometimes on holiday, he reads a biography, the only feckin' type of book I won't pick up We've been together for 20 years, if I have "free time" I read, if he has, he fixates on European football or films. We still talk about a book if I think he might be interested in it, and sometimes he imparts fascinating facts about Spanish footballers. You have different hobbies [shrugs]

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 12/08/2011 18:41

What do you read?

Saffysmum · 12/08/2011 22:24

I work with doctors - they have to read so much at med school and they read loads of important, often crucial stuff, on a daily basis. Perhaps he sees reading as "business" not a hobby?

This wouldn't worry me at all.

I'm a nurse, I knit in my spare time, and read obsessively (have a degree in Lit), and my Kindle is my best friend.

It's nice to share hobbies - things you can do together. But reading, like knitting, is a solitary thing - it doesn't impact on what he's doing, so why worry about it. Why, if you're reading, are you concerned about him doing something else, instead of reading alongside you?

If you're this concerned about something so minor when you should be all loved up - then I think the writing's on the wall (sorry for pun) or am I reading too much into this (ouch).

ChitChattingaway · 12/08/2011 22:36

It would be a big deal if he tried to put you off reading, or needed to be entertained. It would be a good idea to have some long sessions of time together and do a bit of reading during that time to see what his reaction is. Some people aren't tolerant of readers around them, and that can make life difficult for someone passionate about books.

My DH reads rarely, but when he does read it isn't at all my genre, so no discussions here anyway. He thinks I'm a bit weird for my taste in literature, but just laughs it off and only complains if I have the light on and he's trying to get some sleep!

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 12/08/2011 23:00

I am a readaholic, DH only reads the newspaper and never books. He is keen on sport, I hate all sport with a vengeance!

We have been happily married for 23 years!

We love doing lots of things together and give each other space for the other stuff. Seems to work for us. :)

seachange · 12/08/2011 23:34

OP I sympathise, really I do, but I think that by itself is not a deal breaker for me. Plus, I'm really annoying when I'm absorbed in a book, don't want to be disturbed or do anything else, and it would be rubbish if my partner were as bad as me

NickRobinsonsloveslave · 12/08/2011 23:36

This all depends on whether you are a person who can live with an opposite....they don't always attract!

My DH never read anything apart from The Sun. At first it didn't bother me. After 10 years, it did. I can't explain why it bugged me so much. Maybe it was because he was always joking that I must be having an affair with the Librarian, the amount of time I spent there.

Or maybe it was the fact that I loved watching The Review Show whilst he watched Corrie, or listening to R4 whilst he watched MTV. Whatever, eventually the little things that bug you will turn into the big things.

Original poster

MyPeaceLily · 13/08/2011 02:59

I'm a little tipsy, but so far, I can get three types of responses from this (I'm being honest)

a) Women so dull it doesn't bother them their partner not reading
b) Women who get reading but have decided it's ok to put up with a thickie (because they have a good salary, like the kids etc)
c) Those women who get the problem

OP posts:

MardyBra · 13/08/2011 03:35

I wrote a very long response which got lost. In a nutshell it was: DH doesn't read much but actually he's more intelligent than me, just very left brained and doesn't do fiction. He has loads of ideas and lively opinions. I adore reading but I find your last post disrespectful to intelligent people who don't read much and also to the women in optio b, where you appear to suggest that they are -prostituting- compromising their literary ideals for financial gain.

MardyBra · 13/08/2011 03:39

Just to clarify, you could say that I am one of your option b women, but there is no way that you could possibly say that I am "putting up with a thickie".

xylophone · 13/08/2011 03:51

Controversial! Well you obviously know your own mind about this. You've decided it is a problem and you've casually categorised him as a thickie which probably doesn't bode too well.

As others have said, the real questions are: do you suspect he might be a bit boring? Is he uninterested in the world around him? Does he not have an imagination? I understand how all of those would be deal-breakers. Personally, speaking as someone just dating, I do look for men who read fiction probably as an (unreliable) short-hand for the above questions.

Matronalia · 13/08/2011 04:16

DH doesn't read anywhere near as many books as I do, he has read maybe two/three books since January whereas I have read closer to 50. I love books, I have filled the house with books and I usually have two or three on the go at once. It bothered me a little when we first got together but it doesnt bother me any more because:

-he reads all the time at work - scientific papers, dense emails, policy documents etc and finds it hard to read for pleasure. He is a nuclear physicist/researcher so I dont think he is particularly thick.

-our tastes are very different so we dont tend to read the same books anyway. My tastes are disparate but range from zombie novels to classics to dense history. He prefers biographies and certain types of fantasy.

-he is still capable of having lots of interesting conversation and has a general desire to learn and expand his brain. He doesnt expect me to entertain me.

-he loves the fact I read so much, is very proud of it and loves having a house full of books. I got new bookcases for mothers day this year. I share a lot of the information and insights i get from books with him.

-if you set down all the areas where we differ it would probably convince you that we are totally incompatible with each other, but somehow we have managed ten very happy years with very little dissent. I don't think I am particularly dull, perhaps I have just been fooling myself all these years and this interesting, vibrant, intelligent, ambitious and very sexy man has just been with me for my body .

I think you are probably being a little unreasonable, as long as he respects the fact you love reading then I dont htink its a problem (unless he tells you to start getting rid of books or something ). If this is your only niggle with the relationship I think you are very lucky.

LolaRennt · 13/08/2011 04:26

YANBU, DH who I have been for 7 years has read 2 books in the time. Both by Dan Brown.

What annoys me most is that because he doesn't read he watches TV, the house is always taken over by crap TV and movies and then I can't read.

SaffronCake · 13/08/2011 04:38

I was just opening a box to say something nice to you OP but now I've read your last comment I think I'll tell you to fuck off instead.

sweatybutslightlysmug · 13/08/2011 04:51

I'm a big reader, as are both DC's. DH doesn't read anything like as many books (fiction or non-) as DCs and I do, but he's massively better informed that I am about current affairs/politics, because that's what he's interested in. He often tries to engage me in interesting conversation, but because I read such different stuff to him neither of us can keep up with the other. It used to bother me that DS didn't have a pile of books on his bedside table, but I've come to realise that a lot of the time he's better informed than I am about the things that really matter. I read fiction, he watches it on the telly. Neither of us are particularly dull or thick

foxinsocks · 13/08/2011 05:10

I love books but I have virtually stopped reading since working full time (years and years!).

I have to read and produce documents at work. I have to spend all day reading emails, going to meetings and discussing documents which get redrawn etc.

I used to love reading a book on the way home from work but was getting headaches and someone advised me that my eyes were getting tired so I started not reading on the way home and the headaches went!

I get frustrated with books now. I don't have much time with the family anyway so would rather spend time with them. If a book doesn't grab me, I just stop reading it so I don't think I've actually managed to finish more than 2 books this year! There is a pile of started and never got further than a chapter books next to the bed. Am going on holiday and will try and find something to read then.

And I am most definitely not thick . Working full time in any job, especially a responsible one, really takes it out of you. I think you probably need to respect that a bit more.

levantine · 13/08/2011 06:10

Honestly you are being ridiculous now.

If this is bothering you then I really think you're not that into him and you should move on.

nooka · 13/08/2011 06:50

If you are a passionate reader then you probably don't think about reading as a hobby, but more as part of your way of life, and if you aren't you may think a mismatch is a very trivial thing. It's a bit daft to categorize anyone who doesn't like to read as a thickie, but on the other hand the 'oh he's a doctor he's far too important to read' guff is IMO totally spurious.

I come from a family of readers and I'd be uncomfortable about spending the rest of my life with a total non-reader. Not for the escapist stuff, TV, films etc are equally good for that, and it is a solitary habit. But for the mind expanding side of things, the ideas, knowledge and inspiration. I'd be sad to be with someone who didn't value that, and it would have an impact on conversation to be with someone who had very narrow reference points. That's not to say there aren't other ways to be interesting, of course there are, but reading is a gateway to a huge range of knowledge, experience and wisdom (as well as entertainment).

Oh, and having worked for most of my professional life with doctors I wasn't particularly struck by how much reading they did - with the exception of the public health doctors they generally didn't spend the majority of their time at their desks. Of course they all did a lot of studying, but unless the DP in question is newly qualified I'm not sure that is particularly relevant.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 13/08/2011 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock · 13/08/2011 07:09

Actually OP, are you :

(a) one of those women who can't do something on their own,

(b) a snob

BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/08/2011 07:37

I find your comments about people who don't read offensive. My DH is dyslexic and so never reads a book as it is just hard work. According to you op that means he is thick and dull. You are really rude.
I love to read and do sp as often as I can. The fact that DH doesn't has no bearing on our relationship. He does other stuff and can quiet happily entertain himself in a beach or at any other time.
He is not thick or dull.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6