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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A quick peck on the lips from a male friend, what does it mean?

302 replies

waitingfornaru · 11/08/2011 16:50

I have been chatting to a man virtually every night on facebook for a couple of years. He's a family friend, we occasionally cross paths. Our conversations on there are mildly flirty every so often but neither of us like to progress into anything uncouth online.

Every night otherwise, near enough, talk about anything and everything. We don't use the Chat function or send private messages to eachother (Ok, about 2 each in two years), my reason mainly because he's already told me things like everytime he logs on, particular women always instantly send him messages, so I don't want to be like that. I also agree with him that there's nothing we can't say in 'public' on facebook, so no need for private messaging.

At a family wedding, we had our first real opportunity to sit and talk to eachother for several hours, having previously only been in the company of other family members or similar, here we were pretty much together most of the night, having both drunk, but him only a couple of pints, I gave him the usual hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, but he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It wasn't a misjudged aim.

What does that peck mean?

Everyone says that he likes me, but if this is alluded to in facebook conversations we both deliberately ignore it and try to change the subject!

We are both single by the way and in early 40s, both out of very long-term relationships exactly two years ago, both of us.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 24/08/2011 12:16

Oh. Confused

timetoask · 24/08/2011 12:18

What a wonderful outcome.
And if everyone waited to "sort themselves out" before jumping into a relationship, we'd have far more successful relationships around.
Just be careful not to sit and wait wait wait. Go out, get yourself a hobby and meet more friends.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 12:22

ohhh
you might as well have taken dear nephew to the cinema.

MavisGrind · 24/08/2011 12:31

Ah, ok then, well as lovely as this all seems to be (and I'm glad you had a good date) please don't hang around for ages for him. He needs to be proactve in sorting out his issues or you will have found someone else..... right?

I really hope this ends well for you both. Smile

PercyPigPie · 24/08/2011 13:00

Blimey, no wonder you were hesitant OP. I think I am pleased for you, but I'm also worried. I guess you were the one there and know what the mood was, but like others, I hope he is being proactive sorting himself out and not just getting one massive ego boost from all his femal admirers while he plays hard to get.

I really hope it comes to something - soon Smile.

trinni · 24/08/2011 13:13

Oh dear!

He's had a good while to lick his wounds I'd say. Time to start sorting himself out and...

If he isn't ready for anything more than friendship right now; he shouldn't be teasing you with all the thoughts of things he'd like to be doing with you.

It's only my opinion but I think you should let him see you aren't always available for fb chats in the evening. It won't do him any harm to think you're otherwise occupied.

He sounds a bit of a handful TBH; I'd be wary of what you might be taking on here.

AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 13:53

I think you just need to find someone else to shag your brains out

All this "star-crossed lovers but it's not the right time" makes him sound like a manipulative player.

I hope you stay open to other offers, or else you might want to look into getting yourself a different hobby, one that doesn't involve stroking the ego of a narcissistic man

creative writing, perhaps ?

ChizChizChiz · 24/08/2011 13:59

Gosh, another lurker here wanting a happy ending for you, OP Smile

Have to say though, I am with trinni - and others - he sounds as though he has had a fair while already to get himself on a more even keel. I would be very wary of a man who was still so emotionally devastated by/invested in a previous relationship that he couldn't contemplate dating someone he professes to REALLY fancy two years later...

Am also a little Confused by him not kissing you because he wanted to retain respect for you? Since when does a mutually-desired kiss = loss of respect?

It is exciting, and I can quite understand why you feel you want to hang on. But please, please be VERY careful. It sounds as if he has quite an adoring harem already; you don't need to be a part of it.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 15:02

You're absolutely right, Chiz.
Why wouldn't be able to respect you after he'd kissed you?
That is worrying.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 15:03

"he"
missed a "he' there..

smallnotfaraway · 24/08/2011 15:12

I'm another lurker coming out in frustration at this thread.

In agreement with Chiz and AF.

Also, why all this emotional investment when you haven't even kissed properly? What if, say, in another 2 year's time he's 'ready' and you have your snog and he turns out to be a terrible kisser or something. Don't know about you, but that would matter to me - though I don't have much experience, I know enough to know if a man doesn't suit you when it comes to kissing, it tends to follow that you're likely to be incompatible more intimately too.

You're both single, and 2 years is plenty of time to be dancing around each other.

Fairenuff · 24/08/2011 15:18

Hi, I have been following this thread and am wondering, did you ask him why he kissed you on the lips at the wedding?

My understanding is that he has said he does like you a lot, he does fancy you, he does want to kiss you again but is holding back in case you both get 'carried away'? Confused

And that would be a bad thing because it would show that he does not respect you? [sceptical]

Sorry, but I think he is either letting you down gently and does not actually want an intimate relationship with you, or he is enjoying having you admire him from afar and possibly lusting after him. Or possibly both.

AmuseYourBouche · 24/08/2011 15:43

Another lurker putting in my two pence worth.

I have been in a similar situation. A friend appeared to be more than a friend. We flirted lots over text. Whenever we had an evening out amongst friends he would always text me after saying 'Lovely seeing you'. We went out just the two of us once and it ended in several bottles of wine, dinner (all paid by him) and a peck on the lips).

Next opportunity I STOOPIDLY put myself out there when rather intoxicated and informed him 'i like you '.

We kissed. He told me that he did like me too, but all this stuff was going on at the moment and he just couldn't handle a relationship.

We text each other a few times after that night along the lines of 'I hope its not awkward between us'.

A few months down the line and I have only seen him once since at a party and I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me. Funny thing is now that all this has happened I've realised I never really had feelings for him, I just liked the idea of it. But our friendship is now ruined and I feel like he thinks I'm a desperate fool :(.

Well done OP for not kissing him. Take what he's said about his feelings for you with a pinch of salt, some people do just like the attention.

waitingfornaru · 24/08/2011 16:36

'And that (kissing you)would be a bad thing because it would show that he does not respect you? [sceptical]'

No, it's because we both fancy the pants off eachother but he is not in the right place at the moment to take it further. He is depressed and has other family issues to deal with.

' I think he is either letting you down gently and does not actually want an intimate relationship with you, or he is enjoying having you admire him from afar and possibly lusting after him.'

Of course there is that possibility. But why would he say if he was ready I would be the woman for him?

'My understanding is that he has said he does like you a lot, he does fancy you, he does want to kiss you again but is holding back in case you both get 'carried away'

Yes, because there is that much tension, if we kiss, our friendship ups the ante and he is not in the right place to devote time to me I suppose. That would just make us 'friends with benefits', something neither of us want to do as we have too much repsect for eachoterhr. Rather wait until the time is right.

I know two years is a long time to get over someone :( They were 16 years together, he left. She took i very badly, the worst way. They still talk everyday. She is still clinging, she still needs that crutch. Once she lets go, he can let go the guilt too.

Anyway, the outcome is acceptable. I would like to know this man on a different level, but we have a deeper understanding now. I will reign in my desire for him, will support him as a friend. I don't do this for reward but because I genuinely care for him. Perhaps things will change one day, in the meantime it makes me feel happy to be a good friend to him.

OP posts:
waitingfornaru · 24/08/2011 16:40

It has just occurred to me he's aware I'm on Mumsnet a lot. Can someone tell me how to have this Thread removed? Now I have written so much about my feelings I feel I have been disloyal by sharing such intimacy online
:(

I feel that you have all helped me see this from different viewpoints and am so grateful for the support and advice, but I need to put it behind me now and concentrate on moving forward.

I promise I will update on a new thread in the near future if any developments occur! :o
Thankyou so much to all of you for contributing x

OP posts:
malinkey · 24/08/2011 16:42

Erm, sorry to be cynical, but it sounds like he's enjoying stringing you along. All this talk of these rampant women all over him like a rash every time he goes on Facebook. How come he can't kiss you now but he could give you a peck on the lips at the wedding? Methinks he likes the adoration too much.

malinkey · 24/08/2011 16:43

Oh, and, how is she going to let go if he talks to her every day? I don't think that's a very healthy thing to do if he doesn't want to be with her. Maybe he likes having her adoration too.

coffeeinbed · 24/08/2011 17:17

"I can feel him wanting to kiss me, he kept saying this, but he wanted to be able to respect me and hold out until he is in a more stable place in himself."

This is what you said and this is where the the kiss and disrespect bit came from.
Anyway, good luck in the future, whatetever endeavours you decide to pursue forthwith.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 24/08/2011 17:20

Wait. What? He still talks to his ex every day, 2 years on? Shock

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's got some weird codependent thing going on with her. Bad jazz. Run for the hills - he's stringing you along and this will end baaaaadly.

FellatioNelson · 24/08/2011 17:26

I COMPLETELY agree with Trinni and AF. He sounds like he might turn out to be a bit of a pain in the arse to be honest.

stretch · 24/08/2011 18:02

Agree with Fellatio.

Also, he stays there? " Sometimes he travels to see his Ex"
So there is a good chance he is sleeping with her = reason why she hasn't moved on maybe?

I really hope he is genuine, and you have a happy ever after, but there are quite a few warning signs he may be stringing you along.

PercyPigPie · 24/08/2011 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carlywurly · 24/08/2011 18:35

I hate to say it but he sounds rather like my XH (other than the George Clooney esque looks,sadly for me), who, it transpired was married to me while at one point having affairs with 3 other women at the same time. He fed them all the same lines.

This guy hasn't made a clean break, or any kind of real break from his ex. He's flirting with married women on FB. He sounds highly emotionally dysfunctional and likely to lead you a merry dance, and I'd bet all of this is feeding his ego massively. Why don't you join an online dating site and chat to some other men? You need to realise there are more people out there, don't pin any kind of hopes on him.

ImperialBlether · 24/08/2011 19:11

I agree with carly. He's not detached himself from his ex. He's keeping her stringing along, when a clear "Sorry, it's over." would end it.

I don't like the sound of all these women on Facebook. Why is he flirting with married women?

Sorry, OP, it must have been really nice to hear him say all those things, but really, he isn't all that into you, otherwise he would a) have asked you out in the first place, b) have dumped his ex properly long ago and c) would have had you in a clinch that neither of you would have wanted to get out of.

Nagoo · 24/08/2011 19:43

Don't dedicate too much time to him OP.

Get out a bit more and see where other avenues may lead you. Dont get hung up on the idea of him if he;s not going to give you or us what you need.