A quick peck on the lips from a male friend, what does it mean?

[waitingfornaru]

I have been chatting to a man virtually every night on facebook for a couple of years. He's a family friend, we occasionally cross paths. Our conversations on there are mildly flirty every so often but neither of us like to progress into anything uncouth online.

Every night otherwise, near enough, talk about anything and everything. We don't use the Chat function or send private messages to eachother (Ok, about 2 each in two years), my reason mainly because he's already told me things like everytime he logs on, particular women always instantly send him messages, so I don't want to be like that. I also agree with him that there's nothing we can't say in 'public' on facebook, so no need for private messaging.



At a family wedding, we had our first real opportunity to sit and talk to eachother for several hours, having previously only been in the company of other family members or similar, here we were pretty much together most of the night, having both drunk, but him only a couple of pints, I gave him the usual hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, but he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It wasn't a misjudged aim.

What does that peck mean?




Everyone says that he likes me, but if this is alluded to in facebook conversations we both deliberately ignore it and try to change the subject!

We are both single by the way and in early 40s, both out of very long-term relationships exactly two years ago, both of us.

[CalamityKate]

'What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.'

Hmm. No. You're idealising him and imagining yourself a heroine of a doomed romance.

He sounds like a twat, tbh.



Yep, exactly that. He loves the fact you put him on a pedestal and imagine him as this perfect specimen. THAT'S why he's still around.

He's either not over his ex, or he's a player. Or a bit of both.

If he fancied you that much, he'd get over himself and snap you up before someone else does.

Totally not worth the effort, by the sounds of it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think it was good that you had the night out. No you know where you stand with him. You cannot build you life around the the promise that he may one day sort himself out so get out there and do stuff for yourself.

Rather than spend your evenings chatting him online is there something else you could do with your evenings. Join an evening class, find a theatre group, start morris dancing

[solidgoldbrass]

MaM is bang on: I have met shitheads like this before, they get off on driving women to breakdowns and suicide attempts. You've had a lucky escape.

[PercyPigPie]

Also (and I know that you won't be able to confirm this on here) but if his ex did react very very badly to the split by an attempt on her life or nervous break-down, and you say that your ex was emotionaly abusive, you have to ask whether he is someone who likes to mess with people who are feeling vulnerable for some reason.

[ChizChizChiz]

WFN, the more you write about this man, the more it looks as if you've actually dodged a bullet by him being 'unable' to commit to you - now or at any other time. I take it back - it's not exciting, and you shouldn't hold on.

You're not an eejit (though he might well be) and you will get over it. Your post at 17.12 makes him sound pretty unpleasant - as if the 'respect' stuff wasn't enough, you're now to blame for some of his unhappiness? WTF?!

It's all about him, isn't it? All about how he feels, what he needs, what he's going through. This is sounding more and more like a nice little ego massage for him, one which has left you feeling pretty rotten. And believe me, if that's the way it starts, that's the way it will remain.

Good relationships aren't about angst and unhappiness and denying oneself and worrying about whether you respect each other and all this bullshit, frankly, that he's spouting. If he was capable of giving you what you needed, he'd have done so by now. Wild horses could not have held him back the other night (I don't just mean physically), and you'd certainly not be feeling doubt, trepidation and embarrassment now.

I do feel for you, your hurt and longing jumps off the screen. But honestly - He's Not Worth It. Go out, do something else, meet friends, read a book, go out for dinner, cook a stupendous meal, go to the cinema (not with him!) walk, run, anything. And remember that, if you want them, there are a million men out there better than this one.

[winnybella]

'He also said I had made him more sad than he already feels with his depression, I presume because him also realising he likes me in that way complicates things for him.'

Jesus. Me, me, me, whine, whine, whine.

Either a loser or a wanker.

[winnybella]

'What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.'

Hmm. No. You're idealising him and imagining yourself a heroine of a doomed romance.

He sounds like a twat, tbh.

[solidgoldbrass]

This man is a complete and utter wanker. His life is all about him and everyone else exists as props to support his enormous ego. I bet he spends his entire life trailing his spunky hanky in front of women until they respond, then he can fend them off by telling them that he is far too much of a tortured soul to be any use to them while making sure he hints that they might just be the one to sort him out.
Honestly Waiting, in the nicest possible way, get a life ie take up a hobby, join some kind of social club, even have a go at internet dating if you must, but do something that occupies your mind so you don't get so hung up on any one particular man again.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think it's such a great loss, to be honest. Out there, there is someone who isn't on Facebook talking to married women, who isn't flirting for YEARS with someone whom he knows fancies him, who isn't still in constant contact with his ex.

Try to get out of the house and involved in other activities than Facebook. Could you join something like a walking group (Ramblers) where you can take your children at the weekend? Do you have anyone to babysit? Could you go out with a friend or your sister?

Don't then go on and report it all to him. If you feel the need to talk to him, do it lightly. Get away from the computer for long periods of time. Turn off the modem!

[AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome]

...or fools seldom differ, as mother never fails to interject when that phrase is mentioned!

[Fairenuff]

x post, great minds, and all that . . .

[Fairenuff]

It's his loss I'm sure waiting. For what it's worth, you did hide the fact you fancied him until he kissed you! You have nothing to about. You have acted with dignity and composure. He's the one blundering about, not sure what he wants, leading you on and holding you back. You can hold your head up high.

Let him be the first one to make contact now, if he wants to. What's the binary code for 'you had your chance, you blew it mate'?

[AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome]

it's his loss waiting and whilst he may seem 'perfect' from a distance, I have an ever increasing feeling in my gut that this guy might end up being a total head fuck, the closer you get to him - you may have just had a lucky escape!

I hope there's someone in your not too dim and distant future who makes you feel emboldened and elated, not repressed and embarrassed by your passion (as this guy seems to have a knack of doing). Good luck OP.

[waitingfornaru]

No not yet. He's generally quiet on Thursdays/Fridays.

I have some trepidation about it actually, I feel embarrassed now about the whole thing, as if I have been ratted out. I thought I hid the fact I fancied him quite well and certainly had no intention of ever asking him to take things further.

Oh well, that's not going to happen now anyway is it. I'm resigned to it all. It's Fate. What a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful man, but he is not mine and never will be and that's that.

I don't think there's anything left to say on this subject now! I have concluded it was all one big gracious rejection. I'm a big eejit. I'll get over it! At least it proves I still have passion and potential inside. Hopefully another man will benefit from that sometime in the future, as for this one, as many of you have been saying, he is 'just not that into you' :)

[PercyPigPie]

Have you been on Facebook with him since The Conversation OP? If so, what did he say?

[FellatioNelson]

He is blaming you for making him feel sadder than he already was. Because you went out, had a great time, and had to resist ripping one another's clothes off? Hmm.

[Fairenuff]

I'm sorry you are feeling down now about the whole situation. You had a friendship with this man but it has now changed into a different kind of relationship. If he were a proper friend he would be supportive of your feelings, needs and wants as well as his own. You should not be left feeling reprimanded for sexual tension between you. I have no idea why he would treat you like this if he was really, genuinely attracted to you.

There is no good reason (imo) not to have a relationship with you after two years of being single unless, as you say he is not over his ex. It could be that he would like a 'no stings' sexual relationship but knows that you won't agree to that but I don't think he wants to invest in an emotional relationship with you.

I think you should gradually have less contact with him until it fizzles out and then, if he really values your friendship, he will make the effort to get in touch and you will know where you stand with him.

If you fancy him too much to settle for just being friends then I think you should let it go altogether.

Is it even possible to be friends with someone with whom you have intense physical attraction? (I may start a new thread on that one actually..)


Why not start a new thread? It may take the attention away from this one if that is what you want and you will probably get some good advice.

[FellatioNelson]

Oh, well after 16 years with someone he may as well have been married! It doesn't matter about the small print - you both may as well be divorced, for all the difference it makes!

[waitingfornaru]

I'm still here plantsitter :) appreciating the follow-up views, although people will keep referring to him as a divorcee when he's never been married!

I never thought about the ex before really, until people highlighted it on here. I have always stayed in constant contact with previous partners - although I was always the one that did the leaving - I suppose because despite everything we still had a solid friendship and I thought that it would help ease the transition of parting if we still talked.

But with this man, he is a stepfather after all and step-grandfather and regularly sees his stepgrandson (very young), so he will likely always have his ex in his life to a degree.

My experience personally however is that once your ex finds someone new, unless that new person is particularly open-minded, usually contacts stops abruptly thereon :( They have found a new support so contact lessens in gravity naturally.

Now I think about it, yes he must have stayed at her house when he helped her move, they have been to nights out for her birthday (once to a posh hotel for dinner)etc,etc. and she is coming up this weekend to visit her family. But that black and white thing ; I mean, the father of my children visits 3-4 times a year and actually stays in my house (seperate bedroom of course) but settles himself in like he's at home and we do day trips all together for the children and shopping and so forth, so from teh outside that could also appear 'rather too cosy'. Despite the fact that I am not and could never be persuaded to sleep with him or invest in him emotionally to any other degree. Perhaps he is sleeping with her, who knows, he is not exclusive to me, it isn't my business. Oh it's very confusing :(

It's hopeless. He wants to be just friends. A few days after, I now feel a little embarrassed that we had the conversation, as if I have been gently reprimanded for being a contributing factor to the sexual tension between us.

He also said I had made him more sad than he already feels with his depression, I presume because him also realising he likes me in that way complicates things for him.

ooo hang on perhaps that's it? He's not really over his ex is he? I didnt post for a few days because I wanted this thread to disappear from view as Im concerned as he knows I'm on Mumsnet he might come across it, I feel utterly dreadful writing all of this very private stuff on a public forum :'(

I remember too that his ex handled very badly the fact just after they parted a woman showed interest in him.
But if she caught wind of me, if he told her, as he's so honest he probably would talk to her about it I can imagine, even then I don't believe she could make a case for winning him back. I believe him when he says he has no feelings for her in that area left.


I need to do what some people have advised. Need to concentrate on my life more, less on him. My daughter starts school soon, that will distract me.
Is it even possible to be friends with someone with whom you have intense physical attraction? (I may start a new thread on that one actually..)

[plantsitter]

I've been lurking on this thread. I'm not sure you're on it any more, but I just wanted to say BEWARE the man with a 'clinging' ex... I speak from experience. People don't cling without encouragement (well, sometimes they do but mostly they don't).

If you get into a relationship with men like this, down the line you eventually find yourself BEING the clingy ex because somebody hasn't dumped you properly.

[MindyMacready]

I think I agree with Makeyerowndamndinner here, sounds like you've been relegated to a "just in case" reserve position. Enjoy the friendship, but move on emotionally (easier said than done!)

[Makeyerowndamndinner]

I am really sorry op, but if a man wants you that much and knows that you want him, iron and steel would not hold him back.

He's saying as much as he needs to to keep you invested in him so he knows you are there as an option.

It's time for you to move on and make yourself a little less available.

[MavisGrind]

Fellatio - I suspect for the latter part of this thread we always were...

[FellatioNelson]

I though that too, but even if she did attempt suidcide, and even if she contiunues to threaten it, people like cannot and should not be pandered to. He should not have his life ruined and controlled because of it, and he should be sensible enough to put everything in place to make sure she is supported, warn the right people ahead of time that she might react badly/be vulnerable, and then make a clean break.

He would be doing her a favour as well in the long run. She can't be very happy either, holding on to her shell of a marriage with her fingertips and always afraid she lose her grasp. I'm afraid after two years it is time to call her bluff.

Anyway, it looks like we are talking to ourselves now!

[Nagoo]

great post opalfruits