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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My affair.

62 replies

jellymoon · 05/08/2011 22:46

Been married for many years to a great man who is a fantastic father. DH does not seem to like sex anymore and we have no physical contact whatsoever. I, on the other hand, love to have sex, walk hand in hand and be able to snuggle up on the sofa with a loving arm around me. After all, I'm only in my 30's !
So, to cut a long story short, I found a man who was in the same situation as me. Sex, cuddles and fun times. Nothing more, nothing less.
Is this wrong? Are we meant to be sexless for the rest of our lives just because our partners aren't keen?

OP posts:
KirstyAllsorts · 05/08/2011 22:50

Would your husband think it's wrong? Would his wife?

If the answer to both is no - carry on.

Doubt that's the case though :(

RollingInTheAisles · 05/08/2011 22:55

If your husband knows you're upset about the lack of sex and is unwilling to address it or compromise in any way then yanbu in any way at all. It is heartbreaking to be in this situation and truly understandable to do what you're doing.

maleview70 · 05/08/2011 22:56

Why not just leave him?

As for other man telling you he is in same boat...are you certain or just believe him? Men are well capable of sleeping with 2 woman at once.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/08/2011 22:57

Welcome to Mumsnet, jellymoon.

Mumofjz · 05/08/2011 22:57

can't see that many replies are going to be pro-affair - sorry, but for the record, you are only in your 30's and if the situation isn't going to change with your DH than get out now and find someone who will fulfill ALL aspects of a loving relationship rather than live the next 50/60yrs conducting sexual affairs throughout.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 05/08/2011 22:58

It seems wrong to me, sorry. Unless as Kirsty says, all parties concerned are in the know. I'm not trying to offer judgement, but you did ask. Sad

Original poster
jellymoon · 05/08/2011 23:00

I've tried to address on it several million occasions over the last few years but now I really can't be bothered anymore. I don't want a divorce and nor does my "lover". Deep down, I wonder whether both our spouses have an inkling but just don't want to acknowledge it.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2011 23:00

what because I am worth it said.

RollingInTheAisles · 05/08/2011 23:02

I think it's really easy to say you should just leave rather than have an affair but that's quiteva simplistic view. Unless you've been in this situation it's very hard to judge. It's very sad and difficult.

RollingInTheAisles · 05/08/2011 23:03

Oh and by the way, welcome to MN, it is allowed to join and start a thread.

Original poster
jellymoon · 05/08/2011 23:04

It is sad and it tortures me, but what can I do? I'm not in bad shape, nor hideous (apparently!) but still, nothing seems to turn my man on. :(

OP posts:
maleview70 · 05/08/2011 23:04

They might. Would you agree to an open relationship? It might just be you who your husband doesnt want to sleep with. I had this issue with my ex. Top and bottom of it was I just didn't like her as a person anymore. I had more sex in 2 yrs with my next partner than I did in 12 yrs with the ex.

Original poster
jellymoon · 05/08/2011 23:07

Maleview... I think there's a difference between not liking someone and not being keen on sex. My DH and I get on famously. Just not in the sack!

OP posts:
maleview70 · 05/08/2011 23:13

Well in that case if you do get on famously and are clearly good together I don't know how you live with the guilt.

There must be a reason if things were ok before.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 23:28

What you have to consider is the fall out should either of your partners find out. Or if either of you become emotionally involved, it's hard to keep love out of the equation if it happens.

honeyandsalt · 05/08/2011 23:45

"Is this wrong?"

Are you genuinely so caught up in feeling that you have a "right" to sex that you need to ask this? Are you really so focused on only your feelings? I guess so.

Yes.

What you are doing is like an unexploded bomb. And if and when it is discovered by your families everyone will become caught in the shrapnel.

Either make a serious effort to sort the problems with your partner - whether it be by finding his sex drive or opening the relationship (if that's your thing) or do the decent thing and end it properly. He'll still be a good dad if you're not together.

fwiw, I wouldn't advocate confessing, you'll only make your "partner" and children feel like shit.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 05/08/2011 23:47

jellymoon you are tempting fate posting so confidently on a board where a lot of people are going through hell because of betrayal by their spouse. Read some of the threads about affairs to see how much hurt and pain it causes. And don't be surprised if some of those people use you to vent their hurt and rage.
I was in your position justifying shitty behaviour a couple of years ago, but the fundoesn't last, situations change, one of you will want more or feel guilty or want to end it or get found out and then it wont be fun it will be stark agony and hurt people you are supposed to care for and cause miserable families.

Better to be brave and address the underlying problem and act with integrity, not compromise yourself.

It is a MN saying that good people sometimes make bad choices. This is one!

LemonDifficult · 05/08/2011 23:53

Do you have children? When they find out they will judge you. As will all they tell, their friends in years to come. All moral authority, all high ground that you might ever need in the future, lost now.

You believe yourself to be a good person, this feels 'right' to you, therefore it must be OK - right? No. It'll hurt you all.

windsorTides · 06/08/2011 00:56

Your questions are ridiculously simplistic. This isn't about whether it's wrong to have sex with someone else's husband when you're married yourself. That should be self-evident. But it's never just this. What you've become in the process, is a liar and a deceiver. You can kid yourselves that your respective spouses and children are not suffering, but the reality is that they are, in so many ways. You say you can't be bothered any longer to sort things out with your husband and that must be showing. Think too of all the occasions when you've devoted more time to reading or writing a smutty communication, than with your children. All the headspace this is occupying and the distance you have created in your family.

Your choice not to divorce might be taken out of your hands sooner than you think. Your future and that of your children's will be dictated by you and your lover's capacity to conceal - and people having affairs always grossly over-estimate that ability - and under-estimate the intelligence and instincts of the people they are deceiving.

You made a choice to remain in a sexless relationship, presumably because there were other compensatory benefits. Your husband's choice not to have sex with you was at least an open one and you were free to make decisions accordingly. Your choice to have an affair is not open and any decisions your husband is making are therefore unsighted. The same is true for this man's wife.

That is beyond selfish.

jasper · 06/08/2011 01:11

It's not the sex that 's the problem , it's the lies

RollingInTheAisles · 06/08/2011 07:15

I'm sorry you're getting these responses. Other people's betrayal in other people's relationship is irrelevant to your situation.

Your husband has apparently refused sex for years. I can imagine that makes you fell sad and desperate every day. Everything is a reminder, from couples kissing on TV, to your friends talking about sex, to your doctor asking about contraception (and the embarrassing decision of whether to lie or have to explain). I'm guessing you've had years of trying to initiate, seduce, then discuss with no joy and rejection after rejection.

It's a huge decision to leave a relationship, especially with children involved and extremely hard when your partner refuses to discuss it. So you go on and on feeling like less of a woman everyday until one say someone in the same situation shows you some interest in an area you've been cruelly ignored for years. I think it's no wonder someone would accept the comfort in that situation.

Obviously I might have your specific situation wrong, but either way, I can sympathize.

Original poster
jellymoon · 06/08/2011 07:28

Rollingintheaisles, I thank you!!! You have summed me up in a couple of paragraphs which makes me wonder if you feel my pain?

No, I'm not proud of having an affair - would anyone be?

OP posts:
nooka · 06/08/2011 07:38

But having accepted the comfort as you say and having decided not to bother addressing the problems with your dh then it is time to say that that relationship isn't ever going to work and take the decision to leave.

Carrying on as you are is obviously wrong. It's likely to create even more resentment, arguments and distance in the marriage, and even more unhappiness on top of the existing unhappiness. Sure there will be some surface fun, but the web of lies required will wear you down, and when it comes to the surface all hell is likely to break loose. and not just for the OP, likely for her family including her children and her lovers family too.

maleview70 · 06/08/2011 07:52

The fact that there are 600,000 members of illicit encounters indicates that there are many people in the same situation. However I would guess that the majority of woman on there are in your situation. Of the men who knows? Many men are just chancers and are not always unhappy in their marriage to seek thrills elsewhere. Are you 100% sure he is in the same boat as you or is he just lying to get what he wants. If he is not and is still having sex with his wife the she is doing nothing wrong and is being deceived.

MaMattoo · 06/08/2011 07:55

I question the ability to maintain status quo with fulfilled physical and emotional needs from two different people. How long can this or should I say both these last? Before the lies come out, or mind change happens, or relations change for good or worse. Don't ignore the gut instinct that perhaps made you come to MN and pose a question. What's the plan? is the shortest way to put this, for the next 5/10/15 yrs.

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