My affair.

[jellymoon]

Been married for many years to a great man who is a fantastic father. DH does not seem to like sex anymore and we have no physical contact whatsoever. I, on the other hand, love to have sex, walk hand in hand and be able to snuggle up on the sofa with a loving arm around me. After all, I'm only in my 30's !
So, to cut a long story short, I found a man who was in the same situation as me. Sex, cuddles and fun times. Nothing more, nothing less.
Is this wrong? Are we meant to be sexless for the rest of our lives just because our partners aren't keen?

Hasn't their been similar threads before from men asking what to do as their wife doesn't want sex? The usual responses tend to be

1. isn't working hard enough on the relationship
2. he needs to support his wife more
3. he's most likely not being an equal partner in relation to chores etc
4. his wife will have valid reasons for not wanting sex.
5. It's never acceptable to have an affair and lie about it

Sex is about communication and connection as a couple and we are only getting one side of the story.
Jelly,You may not want a divorce but you are living a deceitful life, so it would be best to do the right thing and end your relationship first and then find someone who you are sexually compatible with, it's the only viable and kind solution in the long term.

The trouble here is if you go into this affair because you are lacking affection in your relationship you WILL fall in love with OM and this will then break your relationship up anyway. It's naive to think it will just be "no strings sex". It can be but if your doing it because you're missing something at home I think you will 100% become too attached.

The hurt you will cause to many people can be stoped NOW
Stop this deception ,do not destroy the concept of being a loving
mother & wife ,I feel it would be better to not admit the
affair to your family if they have no inkling of it already,
Listen to the correct advice the wise ladies on MN are giving
you. Tell your lover tonight it's all over,don't do a (Just one more time).
In the morning you can start to work on getting back to a normal
life. Ask dh if he will come to relate , to talk over his & your
problems . Good luck. Be brave. DO IT.

Jelly, yes I completely share your situation but without the affair. And that's not because I think you're wrong just that I haven't been in that specific situation. If I was I think it would be very hard to resist.

It's very hard to leave a relationship just because of sex but at the same time the lack of it drains the joy from your life. When your partner refuses and will not even entertain discussing the reason for it then it's hard to respect them. Living in a sexless relationship is perhaps bearable when you know the reason why (for example, medical) but when you don't it's a slow form of torture. And heartbreaking that your partner allows it to continue when they know how sad it makes you. But yet maybe people stay because they hope one day it will improve and they are not strong enough to break up their family when they're already feeling so low.

And I would be very surprised if the OP hasn't suggested counseling a million times, along with a thousand variations of sexy underwear, hotel stays, taking the initiative, talking, crying and shouting followed by giving up and that not even being noticed. And then living vicariously through Jilly Cooper novels (maybe that's just me :)).

Anyway, I think most of the replies have been simplistic and idealistic with no concept of the reality of your feelings in this situation. Probably thankfully because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Reading MN has really opened my eyes to the number of men and women in relationships who are frustrated as heck as they aren't getting any sex. Now I know the reasosn are varied and can be very sad, and I know the "PC" answer is to try again at "the relationship", be giving etc etc - but time and again that seems to not work as the no-bonk partner doesnt seem to want to move their position either (as it were) and afaics rom threads I've read none agree to an agreed bit on the side.

In that case its either (i) go celibate, (ii) split the marriage, or (iii) have an affair. I dont think (i) is realistic for anyone with half a libido, so its just a question of when and how you hurt the other party and break up.

And - heretically - I'm increasingly thinking if there are DC involved an affair may even be the better option as it may never be discovered, may be tacitly/reluctantly accepted, or if it is to cause a split its that bit longer in a household and the end result is the same anyway.

I can totally understand why you're doing this jellymoon. Not saying it's right but I can totally understand it. Sorry no constructive advice.

i think its totally unacceptable to expect someone to live in a sexless, affection free marriage if that is something they don;t want to do (fine if both parties are cool with it).
There may be brief periods when someone is 'off games', stress at work, illness, small kids, tiredness. But this is quite different.
I think you are being totally fair in having an affair and getting your needs met elsewhere. If your DH refuses to engage with you and go to counselling it is a better option than splitting your family up.

What Windsor said. Every single word.

Every single thing she said is exactly why I am writing this post to you - as someone who's entire family has just been blown apart by my now XH and his 'friend'. 20 years down the toilet OP.

Think hard before you act.

Wisedupwoman, did you refuse your DH sex for for over eight years and refuse to discuss why or attend counselling or make any effort to address the situation? Really the OW in your situation is not the point, your XH was, he was the one married to you, and there's two sides to every story.

I am sorry this happened to you but without more details how do we know it's even slightly relevant to this discussion?

Why don't you get your H and the other man's wife round and ask them if they mind?

How about both partners in a relationship make an effort about what the other 'minds' about so that one of them doesn't get this desperate in the first place. Or we could all just get on our high horses and just paint the whole thing in moralistic black and white lest we might have a scrap of empathy for someone else's imperfect situation.

Or, alternatively, just a real life situation with imperfect people doing their best?

I think what many posters are missing here is that this affair has been constructed purely with the aim of giving the Op and her lover a sex life.
It's not about falling in love, or an emotional connection- it's about sex.

If faithfulnesss boils down to not having sex with anyone else, then she is unfaithful. On the other hand she is staying in her family to try, I assume, to protect everyone from the impact of a divorce.

Yes, there is deception, but her DH has a choice doesn't he? He has a choice whether to stay in a sexless marriage or not. He has a choice to stay with a wife who may find sex elsewhere. More importantly he has a choice to try to rectify his marriage- and he hasn't.

The "blame" here lies not solely with the OP.

OP- if you can continue this affair discreetly, and maybe it's too late for that, and if your DH can turn a blind eye or never know, and if you can pretty much guarantee that you won't fall for your lover and try to break up his marriage, then carry on.

If, on the other hand you fall for him, he falls for you, or whatever, then that changes things.

I think you have to tell us if this is an emotional connection, or just sex.

OP- if you have honestly tried to persuade your DH to have counselling, medical help or whatever it is that he needs- or maybe he simply doesn't fancy you anymore- and it is not working, then I think you should grab what happiness you can.

However, if you have not really tried, or your marriage is over in other ways, you need to address that first and not simply paper over the cracks by finding a lover.

wisedupwoman, soup dragon, bluddymofo what do you suggest a woman who hasn't had sex in 8 years with a husband who won't try, should do.

The first thing you should have done when considering this affair was to sort your own relationship first.

You should have told your DH clearly and firmly the lack of sex was intolerable for you, making you deeply unhappy and resentful. You should have told him you had been tempted. That way he would have been in on the decision for you to have a sex-only man on the side with his blessing (though that way, IME, pain lies), or to end your marriage, or, much better, to try to fix things together.

You chose the coward's solution, and you are living with the consequences.

Whatmeworry... Exactly what I said in my post. That's why I posted it.

Well, that or leave/give an ultimatum. IMO if you love the person you are with you don't do deceitful things.

Does anyone wonder if this was a troll?
Sometimes this place is crawling with journos who post provocative posts to find material for things they need to write.

I am always suspicious when the OP never comes back after 2 posts.

soupdragon and twostraightlines- if the OP is genuine, don't you think that her posts give a strong impression that she has had those conversations before with her DH?

Do you not also think that sometimes some discreet sex - even if it involves some lying- is maybe better than breaking up a family and the impact that has on the children?

Don't forget that her DH has the choice to end this marriage as he seems to have opted out of taking responsibility for it - he won't addresss his problems, or at lest set his wife free by admitting he doesn't fancy her any more.

Better for whom? When people say that a discreet affair is "better" than breaking up a family, what they usually mean is that it is better for them personally, than the alternative of having to own their actions and live with the consequences. None of us get to decide what's "better" for another person - that's their decision after all.

Do I think as twostraightlines suggested, the OP told her H she was tempted, before she had the affair? No, I do not. Nor do I think she told him that if things didn't improve, this was a likely outcome.

The H certainly does have choices, as does the OP. But at the moment, he's the only one expressing his openly, however untenable they might be for the OP and the marriage. As for the lover's wife, who knows what are her expressed choices? The OP has only got the words of a proven liar, to go on.

well I am sorry but I disagree with you windsor.

Your post is very judgy and doesn't seem to see shades of grey which exist in all relationships.

IMO it IS better to maintain a family unit, if everything else is going well except the sex. There may be deception, there may not be.

In this country extra marital sex is frowned on, in the main, but there are many societies and countries where it is not- and the family unit is regarded as more important.

Neither you nor I know what the OP's DH thinks or knows, and the same applies to the lover's DW. You assume deceit, but it may be a case of turning a blind eye. It may be understood and tolerated. You don't know, do you?

It is just possible that the wife and husband of these two people are happy to go along with the affairs, if they know, as half a cake is better than none for them.

In all honesty, if the topic has been discussed and her DH is not willing or able to have sex, but they both want to stay in the marriage, then I think it's fine to look outside of it for the part that is missing.

"if the OP is genuine, don't you think that her posts give a strong impression that she has had those conversations before with her DH?"

No. Not at all. " Deep down, I wonder whether both our spouses have an inkling but just don't want to acknowledge it." If she had had those conversations, there would be no wondering whether her spouse had an inkling.

To do the "right thing" it needs to be explicit: If we don't have sex I will look elsewhere and assume that you are OK with that.

jellymoon

Is it the sex or is it the affection?

There is a recent thread on here where the emphasis was not on sex but on affection as well.

I am in kind of a similar situation but NOT having an affair.

DH and I do occasionally have sex. However there is no affection, cuddling, love etc.

He does love me - he is very practically loving to me if that makes sense. For example I got a bike puncture and he was straight out to fix it. Car needs oil? He puts it in.

But no hugs. No kissing. Won't sleep in same bed.

I am completely lost at what to do and have considered your situation but dont think I would ever go there. I really understand why you have though.

Did you miss this then?

OP said: I've tried to address on it several million occasions over the last few years but now I really can't be bothered anymore.

I don't read that as meaning she has never talked about it.

Do you?

I also take the "inkling" comment as "turning a blind eye".

Some men and women do not want to own their problems. They would rather brush them under the carpet.

It is highly likely that the other parties here know what is going on, and are actually complicit in the whole "affair"- and I use that term in the broadest sense of the word.

The DH is equally to blame for the situation, by refusing to change his behaviour.

exactly, soupdragon

To be honest whether they know it's going on or not is almost irrelevant, if they've ignored the cries of help for years and refused to address or discuss the issue then they could reasonably expect this to be the outcome.