Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Just reading through this thread I think I haven't answered some q's asked...

I tell him I have been scared by him

How does he react to that, HappyDoll?

He tells me that's ridiculous. I have fought it and he has accepted but on that occasion he said that I shouldn't have wound him up so much.

Out of interest, and perhaps it's on earlier posts, but what is your H's attitude to suggestion that something drastic needs to change?

He has said now that he can't let us go without a fight and that he recognises he is gearing up for a fight which he knows is unhelpful, that's why he has agreed to counselling. That was 2 days ago though and he has left it all to me. He hasn't mentioned it at all. It's almost like it is going to disappear. He has suggested dinner though and a chance to talk things over again.

Honestly? I making excuses for him aren't I? It's all a bit shite really when you consider just how bad it is. I mean, just this weekend he refused to allow my parents over to our home (or HIS FUCKING HOUSE as he refers to it) and he hasn't even shown an inkling of remorse or guilt at that. I would have apologized a thousand times over if I had lost it that badly.

Mousey - I wanna hear about your lovely DH!

he refused you parents to come over? WTF is that all about?

Invite them ANYWAY! If he's rude, it's HIS lookout!

You would apologise a thousand times over, because you know it's unacceptable to behave like that.

An abuser KNOWS he is ENTITLED to treat everyone as he sees fit.

Your parents are a support to you. seeing them would make you happy.

he can't have THAT! It's his RIGHT to make you miserable.

Understand what you are living with.

Yeah, he had fucked about with all the weekend plans and was acting like I had sprung their visit on him.

We were rowing terribly and he said I had to ring them and tell them they weren't coming. He claimed they were coming so we could gang up on him.

They live 100 miles away and Mum has MS and is insulin dependant - it's pretty crucial that she knows when her next meal is and it's also hard for her to come up and back in a day.

So I rang pretty much straight away so she could get some food in for herself and to ask if she minded doing a 200 mile round trip on the Sunday - it would have been very painful for her legs.

It's bad isn't it?

Oh and when I said the next day how awful it was that he made me do that, he replied "Well you looked pretty keen for them not to come, I didn't have to tell you twice did I?"
:(

HappyDoll. You know that what he made you do is unforgivably cruel to your mum. He made you do that. You didn't do it.

Don't ever place your shitty H above anyone decent again. I want this to be your straw that broke the camel's back.

I want you to get angry, livid and at HIM!

Send your mum some flowers and make that shit pay for them.

Why are you so frightened of him. What is the worst that could happen? What are you so afraid of?

Think about it and come back to me?

Hmm, actually Hissy, while I agree that we are all different women with our own skills and personalities, I think we have a lot of common characteristics too. Like very high empathy, loyalty, a strong aversion to perceived failure, a desire to be helpful and giving to others, a drive to gain others' appreciation and regrettably sometimes put their interests before our own and being quick to put our own selves down. Which meshes very well with people whose agenda is also to put us down, where a respectful and supportive person would instead big us up.

Don't anyone reading this take this as an opportunity to blame yourselves!!! You know that most of these are actually incredibly good qualities, that you can be proud of, and that no-one but an abusive bastard would take advantage of. The trick is just to be able to recognise and place boundaries where what is unhealthy for us in our relations to others begins. And that's what we're all doing here.

Dear Puppy

Would love to not blame myself, but it's so hard not to. I have finally ordered Lundy.
Mine added jealousy to the mix. If I didn't do x or y then he'd be with other woman. I was lucky to have him around, apparently as he was in such demand. Yeah, a bloke with no job and making no effort to find a job or to support his DCs. Trouble is it worked. He knew that I valued creating a family, wanted to make things work, was loyal and would go an extra 100 miles to think of solutions. Oh well, she's left to deal with him now. She knows how to get in contact with me and one day when the scales fall she too will realise she has wasted her life on him too.
Only trouble is how do I protect DCs from his machinations. warped view of the world?

notsorted ordering Lundy sounds like a significant step for you, so yay you for taking it!

I understand the self-blame: not only is it a lifestyle for me, but after leaving stbxh and starting therapy to examine myself, it took me a long time to get over the feeling that, since I was so open and generous and keen not to be single and hadn't protected my own boundaries, then I must have brought the abuse on myself.

But I didn't. He chose to take advantage. There are only 2 abusers in my life -- my mother and stbxh. Every single other person in my life, when confronted with my co-dependent "failings" of being giving and self-effacing and self-blaming, has been nothing but thankful for my generosity, and supportive in the face of my self-deprecation. Only abusers take advantage; they choose to do so where others don't. Respectful people appreciate your qualities and don't seek to put you down just to give themselves a power trip. You are not the problem because you were abused; the abuser has a problem because he abuses.

In my view, when I see what was missing for me in childhood with an abusive mother, and a father who just said amen to all her bullshit, I would say that you have already given them the best lesson possible by leaving the abusive relationship. Even if unconsciously, they will have learned that it is not ok to abuse, that they themselves don't ever need to put up with it in their own lives, since you didn't.

You can further protect DC by validating them at every turn; making sure that they know their worth, and that they know that have the right to stand up for themselves, should their father ever try his put-downs and controlling behaviour on them.

Dear Puppy
Thank you. Am having to write a biography of myself for my therapist and remembered when I was a teenager my two best friends used to tell me off for saying sorry all the time. They never took advantage and they are still my really good friends now. Am off out with one of them shortly as her DS and mine are same age and really like each other too.
I spent most of my relationship with ex thinking if I do as I'd like to be done by, then surely he'll get the message.
All that wasted kindness and attention is going on the DCs from now on.
Hope you have a good day today too xx

Oh the parallel lives we lead! I'm going on holiday in a week with a friend who is forever telling me to "Stop apologising!"

Stbxh seemed to think I never apologised enough

I spent most of my relationship with ex thinking if I do as I'd like to be done by, then surely he'll get the message.

A thousand times yup. And you know, with normal people, that is what would happen.

All that wasted kindness and attention is going on the DCs from now on.

...and on yourself too, please?

Hello. I had a thread last night, but got it deleted. I was pointed here by some kind pms. It may be a while before I'm up to posting about stuff again so I'll probably lurk if you don't mind.

lurk away plastic, glad you are here! Have a read through the previous threads to this one if it helps? Ask questions, it'll help you form ideas in your own head and it'll help you long term.

also, can you please call WA when you have a moment, get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That, and see that you are far from being alone!

Ladies, plastic needs our help to increase her strength, to do what she has to to do protect herself and her DS.

Lurk away, plasticfork. Don't know what stage you're at, but do look at the resources listed at the start of this thread if they are of interest to you. And if ever and whenever you need to vent, we're here to listen.

notsorted has ordered the BOOK??

You won't regret it love!

Puppy you are right as ever, we have the same kind hearts, the eternal optimism, and spirit that these dreadful men lack in themselves, so seek to destroy in us.

hiya plasticfork
sorry you are here but glad you came
thought Cruella might have put you off

plasticfork, it it's strength you need, I know that you have it in you. Even if it may seem impossible, daunting, and confusing, you CAN do whatever it is that you need to do for a healthier, happier life for you and your DS.

This can be as little for now as reading a website, or a book, to clarify in your mind what's going on.

Also, don't ever forget that you can always reach out for help. Whether it's from friends, family, strangers on the Internet, the police, Women's Aid, CAB, or your GP. Asking for help is never an admission of failure: on the contrary, it means you are strong enough to know what you need, and to ask for it from those who can give it to you.

Marking my place.

Not going to go over some of the stuff I posted last night so not to attract attention as I can do without it. I can't get my head straight that what is going on could be abuse, which may seem mad considering some of the stuff I put down, but is it actually that bad? It doesn't seem right to call it that. Then I think about how we don't argue as its pointless as he doesn't / won't listen to me and can't take criticism and then I wonder if its also because I've got used to avoiding it. sorry if this is rambling. I'm just trying to put down whats in my head.

Evening plasticfork. Yes, the first moments when you actually consider that what you have been experiencing is "abuse" are very destabilising and hard to come to terms with. I understand.

Have you tried any of the links at the start of this thread? There's an early post that starts "Am I being abused?". This might be a good place for you to start.

It is bad. You know in your gut it's that bad. But for your head to know it as well you first need to strip away years of denial and hope and trust to fully come to terms with it. Give yourself time, and be kind to yourself.

We know how you feel.

((hugs))

I started to look at some of the links but just skimmed. OK, so asking myself am I overreacting as it feels like I am. It doesn't seem right to call it abuse when its so infrequent. Am I just looking for a way out of the relationship as I don't want to put the effort in so its easier to blame him? How can it be abuse when he makes me a cup of tea every morning. I know that sounds mad, but surely if it was abusive he wouldn't give a toss?

Just read that back and it sounds stupid. Sorry.

Do you have a RL friend you could confide in, someone who will lend a sympathetic listening ear?

Talking about it with people you trust could be a good way of getting your head round things, to test by saying it out loud how bad it really is. You will also be amazed at how overwhelmingly people will want to offer their support.

Not really. We have a lot of mutual friends and I have work colleagues, but non I could talk to about this. Yesterday was the first time I'd said about things anywhere and the reaction was just too much. I can't face that in RL yet.

No need to apologise!

The reason it is abuse even if an abusive man is nice most of the time is that it doesn't pay to be abusive 100% of the time:

• he wouldn't have been able to reel you in;
• he wouldn't be able to keep you hooked with the hope that he could be Dr Jekyll all of the time, since he can manage it most of the time;
• he'd be found out immediately if he was abusive all of the time;
• being angry and controlling all of the time is hard work. Better to let the victim understand that certain things bring him great displeasure, and let her eagerness to please / intimidation do the rest of the work for him.

No abuser is abusive all the time. Most of them are positively charming men, who no-one outside the home would suspect of being abusive.

Do read this book to answer this line of questioning you have.