Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

It's past my bedtime, so I'm going to sign off with the same words I did last night. Tonight they're aimed at you, bejeezus, with much love:

You deserve better than you're allowing yourself. You deserve to be good to yourself. You deserve to treat yourself with infinite, unconditional compassion and kindness.

xxx and good night!

thank you puppies and hissy
it means a lot to be able to talk at people who understand.
I know you speak the truth. Sometimes its hard to believe huh?

Im lucky in that, stbxh also WANTS to seperate, he is not begging me to give him another chance--so no matter how hard it gets, there is no going back.

Just spoken with a RL friend who reminded me that in reality (when we are not on holiday!) he spends NO TIME with the kids and only sees them in passing. The reality of him not living here will not be much different to now, for them. It will just be the idea that daddy lives in another house

I just wish he would get on and move out so I can tell them and we can start to move on. We are all in limbo at the moment. Well I am, as I havent told them yet

night puppies thanks again x

bejeezus... i remember that feeling. I wasn't suicidal but I wanted to press fast forward so badly.

when does it get better bandwithering?

my friend told me how her dp had dragged her naked from her bed with such force her tampon was pilled from her and tried to push her naked in the street, she is finally away from him now and is such a lovely lady, must tell her to come on here

I knew X was going, it was excruciating. I wanted to skip to the next chapter too.

I had a sore throat for days before his first departure date, it was the sore throat you get when you are trying not to cry, you know the one?

When the revolution happened and he delayed the trip, the pain left. By the time it was time for him to go, things had moved on and I had detached a little more and a little differently.

His greatest gift to me was his behaving like a total FREAK in the car to the airport. That manic, panic, mental hour was enough to kill all the good memories I ever had of him. It was like a slap in the face it was so night and day. I will never ever be tempted to give him another chance, because of that car journey, and of course the plant he killed.

The fear of separation is worse than the separation itself. You will believe me when you get there. We will be here when that happens. Remember that?

For me it took a couple of days to feel some relief. Once I had read Lundy and stopped beating myself up for having put up with it for so long, I never looked back, pretty much.

It is remarkable, when you admit the abuse to yourself, how quickly you compartmentalise it and move on from it. I now look back and think I didn't do that did I? I didn't take all of that? for that length of time? I have no rancour for myself, only disbelief.

JK, if she would benefit from being here, of course get her to come along! poor woman!

OK. I haven't bought Lundy, or any of those books and I am seriously wondering what I am doing here. I don't want to influence my thinking because I think he is already trying so hard to do that.

He does do all those things that I read in the first link, but I'm no angel. I am articulate (far more so than him) and capable of ranting. I haven't let him dominate me but he has scared me. I have been badly abused physically in the past and I got out so now, if a man 'squares up' to me I stand firm. I would rather be hit than cower. I cry later, in private. I tell him I have been scared by him, but I never show it.

I do want things to work out. I have already separated from one man whom I had a child with and I married this one. We are settled. Us separating will impact so many people.

Has anyone ever had success through counselling? And do you ever doubt that you are thinking rationally and that the books have influenced you as much as your partner?

Dear Happy, despite not being with ex on wobbly days I read this thread and think someone has the magic bullet to say it can all work out. I keep 'forgetting' to buy Lundy and I'm in that weird place re what is rational. I don't have answers as I'm vacillating, wondering what the hell I'm up to, what's right, what's wrong.
Have a look at hidden hurt also pat craven. I keep rereading the same stuff and why not try some counselling on your own? And then see if it would work for you both.
I'm not getting back with mine, the only dilemma is whether I have to negotiate contact for DCs with Mr Jekyll or Dr Hyde and that's confusing enough.
I think it is a mindf* generally

I tell him I have been scared by him

How does he react to that, HappyDoll? It's really quite serious to have your spouse tell you they are afraid of you. Any person who isn't shocked by that and desperate not to frighten a loved one anymore must clearly get something out of it, or prefer to keep hurting their loved one rather than question their own behaviour.

Has anyone ever had success through counselling? And do you ever doubt that you are thinking rationally and that the books have influenced you as much as your partner?

I had a year of couples counselling. Stbxh got worse during that time. The counselling was a very confusing time for me, since I was so desperate to improve things, and so wanted to take on board all the things that stbxh said made him angry and to change my own behaviour accordingly. But the things he said in counselling just made less and less sense. And because I was in counselling, I felt pressured to take his (frankly ridiculous - I can give examples if you want to judge for yourself) feelings on board. The counsellor it turned out later knew this was an abusive relationship, but because the agenda of couples counselling is for each party to air their concerns, and for the other party to see if they are willing to take them on board, the counsellor just kept this up and waited for me to figure out how abusive stbxh's behaviour was on my own.

Stbxh, by the way, was also following individual therapy of his own during that time. He still is. And he's still abusive and in denial about it.

Regarding the influence of books, in my case, I don't think that books influenced me. I had already seen that the situation just wasn't right, and just wasn't tolerable for me anymore, before I bought any books or started doing any research on abuse. What the books did do was clarify my confusion, because it is very confusing to suddenly realise that the man you love may not have your best interests at heart.

HappyDoll, I don't believe you are so weak-willed as to be swayed by books and websites beyond what you feel is reasonable.

addendum re: the influence of books. While I was still living in hope that stbxh would eventually be able to see how much he was hurting me, I also bought a lot of books on communication between couples, and on anger management. None of them seemed to fit: I was using all the right communication techniques. Stbxh did not fit any description of a man with an anger management problem, yet he was angry at me all the time, so wth was going on?

Then he finally went too far, I tremulously recognised his latest action as abuse, and read up on that. That fit like a very spooky glove: there we were, right there on the pages of "Why does he do that?".

So I believe you'll know if a book doesn't speak to your situation. Or doesn't speak to what you can already somehow sense for yourself.

Happy Doll
I always am questioning whether I am thinking rationally
I continually am still thinking that i am as much to blame as stbxh-I spend hours trying to remember at the beginning of our relationship, who said what etc etc.

Its exhausting

The reason I came here to find out more about EA is because I FELT emotionally abused. I felt/feel subordinated, taken advantage of, completely rung out with nothing left to give and he was still trying to take, and raging if I talked about how I felt/what I needed in our relationship.

I think if you are even looking at EA as a possibility it is very likely that it is happening. Who in a healthy relationship could even consider that this was happening to them?

I bought Lundy Bancroft after reading about his book on here. It was a massive revelation. It completely described my stbxh personality. The behaviours he has are the same as behaviours described on this thread, of other peoples partners. Those behaviours are not random. They are all following a pattern.

This said, I still doubt that mine is actually abusive quite often

he is definitely mild compared to what others describe--but as some wise people say 'the only acceptable level of abuse is NO abuse'

Thank you, some very interesting replies. You are right of course, the fact I am here speaks volumes.

But I so want it to work. I so, so want it to work.

yeah, we all did/do

Dear HappyDoll,
I feel your pain, I really do. I didn't listen to victim support, I didn't listen to womens aid at first. I went to counselling because while I wanted to express to someone else what was happening, I wanted the tools to be the one person/one couple who could prove everyone wrong. There is still a little optimistic devil sitting on my shoulder who says maybe, in a year, in a couple of years when we've got over all this pain there will be a different future. (Ok slap me with a wet fish ,Hissy, now). And in the counselling I go to now I do admit this. I also have to admit that there is a solution. I'm no more proud of that than of the fact that I didn't/couldn't stand up to him and say this hurts or that's scary when we were in a relationship.
I did talk to Respect who do the counselling work for abusive men. I think the woman I spoke there was really good too. I began by asking about courses so that I could perhaps 'sell' the idea to my ex. Give them a call perhaps?
Out of interest, and perhaps it's on earlier posts, but what is your H's attitude to suggestion that something drastic needs to change?
((Hugs))

Hello.

Just popping in to say that I'm reading and sending you all massive buckets full of strength and love. Some of the posts on here are heart breaking but I am living proof that you can be free.

Keep going, keep pushing forward.

I'm not in a great place right now so don't feel I can help anyone but I'm still here, lurking. xx

Regarding the influence of books, I think if you've already found yourself on this thread then all books are going to do is provide clarity for you. This is how I'm finding my experience to be. I would also consider my H to "not be that bad" but I can't deny that a lot of what I see written in black and white applies to our relationship. It actually makes me feel better about leaving him because it isn't all in my head. I'm NOT overreacting. And in this situation, breaking up the family is justifiable because it is absolutely what is best for my DC. MY H's ishoos aren't really aimed at the kids so all being well they will enjoy a healthy relationship with their Dad. Not one where, by my staying, they are learning his interpretation of how men treat women and go on to find themselves in situations like ours in years to come.

I can't really comment on the counselling side of things yet - still waiting for my referral. H hasn't had his anger management referral yet either. I don't have high hopes for it working; since the doc prescribed him citalopram it seems to have given him the perfect excuse for his previous behaviour. "It won't happen again now I've got the meds..."

Hey Mouse, glad you dropped in! I missed you and was wondering if you were on holiday or otherwise OK. I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well at the moment. ((hugs))

To all those that have not bought Lundy (yet) :

www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/displayFindBranch.do

Pump in your post code, tick the coffee shop box and hit search.

Take yourselves off to the nearest shop and go see if they have a Why Does He Do That in store. Go grab yourself a lil cup of heaven and have a flick through.

It'll be OK, if you suddenly find your brains being washed, and you are having your minds altered, you will be able to call security, or at least ask for another skinny latte.

Many have asked where I get my no-nonsense, direct approach from?

It's from KNOWING I was in the right, KNOWING what happened to me was wrong, was not my fault, and not something I deserved or could have ever done anything about.

Where did I get this certainty? From reading my Lundy Book.

Ladies.... need to arrange a little OTBT visit....

Could you pop along and help a fellow sister understand why she feels so powerless?

Follow the links from this thread please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1268413-Understanding-why-I-am-still-in-a-relationship

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth on Saint Lundy. My friends whusband has been emotionally abusing her for over a decade.

Last time i saw her, thanks to MN I finally had the words to tell her what she was being subjected to.

She got extremely angry at me telling me he's a good man really if inknew how much money he gives to charity every year i wouldn't dare say hes an abuser etc etc.

When she left i gave her the Lundy book. That was four months ago and two nights ago she phoned to tell me how much the book is helping her
recognise what's been going on.

Unfortunately she is still convinced her H wants to and can change so has apparently booked himself onto a course for abusers

Not writing this because I want a medal but just because it can be so hard telling someone else the horrible truth as you see it so wanted to say keep going and if you're thinking 'shall I'? Go for it and recommend/pass on your copy of Lundy to someone who you think could really do with it.

I've just been to the OTBT thread, but I was too stunned and emotional to post. I could have written that OP.

Are they all really that similar?
I mean, the thing that stuck out to me was the OP was so unsure as to whether what was happening was ok. So am I. Am I just over dramatising?

I think I have joined this thread with a kind of 'we're different' attitude, we'll get better, this isn't that serious. I bet all newbies do, don't they?

Another question for you all (sorry, I know, so many questions). What's life like after leaving? Has anyone found a decent bloke that can sustain a healthy relationship?

HappyDoll, sadly yes they are. You'll see this in the Lundy book - that's one of the things that it teaches you, that they work to a script.

WE are all different. but our X/STBX/H/Ps are all the same.. Our tears are just as wet, our hurt as deep.

Like I said, learn that it's NOT us that do this, not US that cause this, and that they have no reason what so ever to ever change the way they terrorise us. don't waste your breath trying to save it, there is nothing real to save. The bit you fell in love with was a smoke screen. A good one, but no less fake.

You are not over dramatising.

Mousey, who suffered appallingly badly has got a lovely H and an adorable DS...

Life post-abuser? much better. No more sick to the pit of your stomach when the key goes in the door, no more wondering what mood you are going to walk into, no wanting to vomit when your mobile goes and he's in the room. No more hoping he won't let you down, and then watching him do it right before your eyes, no juggling your friends cos he doesn't really support you having friends....

need I go on?