Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Gosh, I'm so sorry about the HUGE post above. I think I need to get this all out - keep telling myself it's ok. It's only when I see it all in one place like that that I feel it's right to carry on.

Happy, that sounds good re the txt.
Does his job mean that he has to be tough, macho, leader at work so finds it difficult to change that attitude at home? I guess you don't get to be where he is if he take your employees feelings into account?
But that's good re relate, if you want to work on the relationship. Find out if there are opportunities for you both or just you to go separately at first and then do it together, perhaps? See what he feels about that? It might help you feel stronger about expressing your wants/needs or see what counsellor suggests.

On the contrary, his job has been the culmination of a 2 year course focussing on his emotional intelligence and the like. Despite being a tough place to work where results are key, the organisation has strong values and a good people focus. The problem is his ego. He is the youngest person ever to reach this position and people all day tell him he is amazing. It's clearly difficult when he gets home, our DCs don't fawn all over him and he's just a normal bloke at home.

Happy well done for being lucid and assertive. You are SO right on the point that feelings are valid and not for anyone to dismiss or belittle. Keep holding on to that.

Ok having a wobble (again, yawn). Spoke to official who'd been involved with the family after an abusive incident. Said that problem between us as adults, so different advice from solicitor and that as no longer together abuse would not be an issue. Now am worried that I am trying to deal with my attitude to abuse by projecting more of it onto issues with DCs. So am I wanted to deal with issues by that I want some recognition for by making contact an issue? I just don't know anymore. Should I stop asking people's advice and go with my gut instincts? Should I worry that all this is just perpetuating a quarrel with my ex about his attitude to me, and that I'm not putting DCs interests first?

You sound like you're tying yourself in knots, notsorted.

Breathe.

Look at the facts.

Do what is best for your DC (clear contact guidelines can only be a good thing).

All the rest is just noise.

Did I tell you about the night I went out with other School mums - we had a LOT few to drink. He asked if we were going to have sex later, I was non-committal.... he even CALLED me at the pub to ask me AGAIN!

So I weaved my way got home, and quietly snuck upstairs, posted a cheeky pissed FB update to the girls, and passed out fell asleep.

I was woken by himself demanding who this bloke was I was talking to online? I looked at the phone (still in my hand) it was my twitter timeline, just so happened updated with a twitter account at the top from an account called Lucas_North, a spoof for the actor in SPOOKS, he's pretty funny at times.

wizbit, I am feeling very mortal today, very flat, very pointless, so I'll do my best, but I know nothing really, I possess the 'gift' of black and white thinking, which although unhelpful when you have depression, is awfully useful at scything through abusive bullshit, once you have a grasp on the actual truth. Whether I am right or wrong, who knows, but I prefer to stick to fairness and when someone is telling me that I have to put up with crap because they have dangly bits and I don't, I have a problem with that. I have a reserve of 'benefit of the doubt' and sadly all of it was used up in the last 10 years.

control mechanism? I dunno, but entitlement definitely. Don't forget we are not these people's partners, we are their possessions.

You are separated right? well even if it WAS a new boyfriend commenting on your status, he has to understand that your life is none of his business anymore. You dealt with it perfectly IMHO.

notsorted: what you expect from your H?

To be treated with respect at all times
To honour his responsibilities to you and your DC

To provide regular, safe contact wrt the DC
To be a reliable parenting partner wrt the DC, to consider their needs and actively support their development.
To cooperate fully in providing a happy, stable and kind environment for the DC

He he, since this is a list of your requirements/expectations, no harm in putting down that you would expect him to enrol in a Stop Abuse Now course? [evil]

Of course Abuse doesn't stop just because you no longer share a post code. You need to make it clear that your DC will not be witness to his continued manipulation, and that should they be involved in his techniques, or if he tries to talk negatively about you to them that contact will be reviewed.

The person who told you this is between you and him and you are both adults, is I'm sorry to say, an idiot. Trust your instincts 100%, don't ever go against them!

Happydoll, don't waste your breath explaining why you want out. it just provides these nut jobs with a platform to cross-examine you, picking holes in everything you've said. Boil it right down to 'i'm miserable in this relationship and I want out'. He'll argue with that though and tell you you're not miserable, wrong to feel miserable, have no right to want out..............

HappyDoll if i were you I'd just say "I don't love you, no".

You want to be free from this guy right? You want him to understand that there's no connection between you any more, it's over, you want out, you won't be controlled by him, you won't revolve your life around him, he's not your number one priority, you're no longer obligated to put him first all the time............ fgs, tell him "no I do not love you".

Agree with bandwithering, the least amount of words, the better, the negotiation is protracted and pointless. It will achieve nothing but to frustrate and upset you.

Tell the TRUTH, it's so liberating.

Yeah. I only had this epiphany 18 months AFTER I left my x.

Up until then I was still playing my part. His role was the barrister cross-examining me, and I was the accused, and I looked guilty !!

I carried on playing that role for a bafflingly long length of time.

Eventually I learned to stop looking for his understanding. He only has one pov. His own. I couldn't give a f*&^ what he thinks now. It took 32 months to get to this point though.

He went over minute detail and semantics of past events, reframing them so they weren't so hurtful. I refused to budge. I kept telling him I was hurt by that and you rewriting history won't change the resentment I feel.

Happydoll THIS is why your dp has got where he is in his work life. He is manipulative and will try anything to get what he wants. The smart intelligent ones are the worst. Perhaps you are waking up to who he really is. It's one thing to have that attitude at work (not nice even there) but quite another to use those kind of mindgames with people who love and depend on you.

Yeah my x very successful in business too.

feeling really really shitty after our little holiday...
argued a lot but still had a nice time the DCs were soooo happy and had such a nice time. It is breaking my heart knowing what I am bringing to them...it is going to tear dd1s world apart. I cant bear to even look at them. How am I going to ever tell them? I feel like I have completely failed them. I know you are all going to say 'its better for them to grow up in a more healthy household with 1 parent, instead of an abusive household with dysfunctional parents' but I never wanted it to be either of those things. I dont think I can ever forgive myself for the fucking stupid choices that I have made that is going to break their hearts.

bejeezus....

STOP IT! Ready your LUNDY!

this is not your doing. You didn't make this happen, you are FIXING IT!

You have not failed them. HE DID!

He could have been a normal, loving, caring, sharing H, but he chose to be a ranting, swearing, controlling, manipulating abuser. HE CHOSE THAT. ALL OF IT!

YOU are not going to break their hearts, you are going to mend them. please see that?

We all go through this feeling of abject hatred for having picked a really sub-standard dad for our DC, but it was not our fault, really, they could have picked themselves up, but didn't. They clung onto their entitlement to be complete arseholes.

Now, go on, get upstairs young lady and go read Lundy, see where the fault lies, and start to allow yourself the forgiveness, the space you need to help your DC get through this.

IT WILL BE BETTER, I promise you.

Hey bejeezus.

Have a of sympathy.

Your choices were the good ones at the time you made them. They blew up in your face later, but that's hardly your fault. You're still making the best choices you can now out of the ones available, and that includes doing all you can to love and shield your DCs, doesn't it?

You don't deserve all this self-recrimination.

Oh, I see I'm "good cop" tonight

((bejeezus))

i dont think I will believe even Mr Bancroft this evening

i wish someone else could do my life for me, for the next year or so

(((((((((bejeezus))))))))))))

Who better than you can get your DC through this, and show them that despite upheavals, they are loved and cherished?

Love, we ALL feel like that, or did do.

PLEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE, allow yourself the forgiveness, you didn't do this. really you didn't.

Once you have got this man out of your environment you will be surprised at how quickly things start to stabilise.

Please trust me on this?

Puppy, (Even Gooder Cop) you can back me up on this, can't you....

Please have a flick of Lundy.... you know it'll help... remind you that they are working to a script, that he won't change... that he chose this?

Your only 'mistake', bejeezus, was to be loving and trusting and loyal. Would you want to have been any other person than that?

It's something you should be proud of. It is not your doing if your better nature was abused.

And look at yourself now! Now that it's become obvious to you that someone has chosen to harm you and be a detrimental role model to DC, you are again proving your worth by doing what must be done!

Because managing to deal with the shit in life with integrity and self-belief is what being a wise and good person is all about. NOT having a perfect life. Dealing with the one you have. You are being an amazing role model for your DC in this.