Morning all. I think I am making some progress today. After 4 days of not talking H finally turned off the tv, put down the IPad and started a conversation about our difficulties.
He wants to know what the problem is, which, when you raise it as a single example sounds ridiculous. So, I told him, "your behaviour right now is impossible to live with. I had put it down to the situation with your mum but you keep telling me you're fine. That's my worst fear, but I think you're right, you are fine, this was happening before her diagnosis."
He tried to push me into saying that I don't think he's doing right by his mum - I don't, but that wasn't the point. I told him I'm here if he wants or needs to talk to me but it's up to him how he wants to support her, he's an adult and that's not what we need to talk about now.
I talked about how lucky we have been and that all these terrible things have happened to people we love and not to us, that it is our job to be strong and supportive for them and not to break down and weep. He told me he isn't going to weep. I replied "We are breaking up and whilst I know you won't show me, I know you will be hurt. I am trying to stop that from happening, for us, for our children and for our families". He was silent. That's a first.
He went over minute detail and semantics of past events, reframing them so they weren't so hurtful. I refused to budge. I kept telling him I was hurt by that and you rewriting history won't change the resentment I feel.
He tried to push me into saying that I don't love him. I told him that I do but that I cannot respect a man that disregards my feelings so much.
He tried to make me angry and he got angry himself. I told him that the only thing I feel is sad, because my marriage is breaking down. I am choosing not to be angry because I know it won't help. So, I am taking deep breathes and I hope he can too.
He even confessed to being annoyed with one of his subordinates who keeps telling him "You can't argue with how I feel". I asked why that is annoying when it is obviously true? He replied " I can argue with it if I think it's stupid". He has recently be made a director of a very large blue chip organisation - this explains a lot I think. I asked what planet he was on where people had to submit their feelings to him so a decision could be made as to their stupidity and therefore their validity.
I outlined at the end the dead end he has left me in...I tell him how I feel, he either says I don't feel it, it's silly, it was a joke, I'm being to touchy or he goes silent and pretends a few days later that nothing has happened. He refuses counselling, he refuses divorce, he refuses seperation, he refuses anything that may give the outside world an inkling into what is really going on. I summarised it all like that. I told him I have no choice but to leave because what I think and feel IS valid and I deserve to be heard.
This morning he text and agreed to Relate.