Hello again all, hope you're all doing OK. Sorry to hear some of these horrible stories.
Disclaimer: stream-of-consciousness alert. My problems are so small compared to some of yours and I almost feel a fraud posting here but I have to write it down somewhere - please feel free to ignore!
We went away for the weekend and it was basically great, I think because we didn't have much time together and he 'behaves' in front of other people. Though tbh he's kind of behaving generally at the mo, picking himself up on things that he knows upset/annoy me - this is part of the cycle, right? Or am I just being circular and displaying confirmation bias?
The only incident really when we were away was when he asked our friend 'did your body feel really knocked about by pregnancy?' and she said 'no not really' and I said 'well it looks like it was', because I knew she would find it funny (she did, she looks amazing and she knows it) and he jumped on it and said 'SEE!!! that's the kind of thing I say to you and you get really cross about. you are a hypocrite'. I let it go at the time (I think, or they started talking amongst themselves and I said it then: 'the thing is, I knew X would find it funny'. Maybe I'M an abusive twat, though - maybe she didn't find it funny at all and just laughed out of politeness! Have worried about it enough since to think that I should just avoid all putdown humour in future.
The other thing was her husband (my friend of 15 years) actually speaks to her in a way I don't really like. Even H said 'he seems a bit of a chauvinist!' She doesn't seem to mind and it was again that thing of 'but X puts up with it, shouldn't I?'. I've seen this in at least two or three relationships and always think 'god, maybe I should just accept it/see the funny side/let it wash over me like they do'. But then the kids learn that it's an acceptable way to speak to someone, don't they?
I think he might think something's up. He's being alternately loving/supportive/cold and weird. Also saying things like 'I can't take any more negative news' 'family is really important' even gave DD1 a lecture on empathy this morning using us as an example 'when I say something to Mummy I think 'maybe she wouldn't like me to say it that way' so I change it...' actually he got a bit stuck at that point!
I do worry that it's just such a MINOR case. Maybe I should just put up and shut up. I totally empathise with the poster who said 'I wanted him just to hit me so at least it was something definite' (and hers had in the end, and PLEASE don't take that the wrong way, I know lots of you are being physically abused and it's absolutely not something to wish for, as well as it being one of those decisive moments that can never be taken back and at the moment I am dreaming of a cordial co-parenting relationship as I think it's a possibility.
Examples I wanted to post or see if anyone recognises:
illness - terrible hypochondriac: it's always worse (esp. than me, I don't think I have ever in ten years been ill without him instantly being symptomlessly iller). When I am ill (I have chronic dreadful allergies) it's my fault for not taking my medicine and it's actually an insult to him. Having said that, I have very little sympathy when he's ill - even when he's actually ill it's an effort to manufacture but I manage it for my own conscience.
compliments: he has virtually never given me a meal he's cooked without telling me it's amazing before I've had a chance to eat any. He also does this with other people. He does all the cooking and considers this one of his virtues, but I end up eating stuff I don't want all the time. He also shows people his work (esp me) and tells them how brilliant it is. It seems so sad that he's basically precluding real compliments and compounding his own low self-esteem. I have never cooked him anything he hasn't made 'suggestions' about, often adding stuff
extravagance: he seems addicted to spending money. I am a natural scrooge and am in a state of almost perpetual anxiety about our savings just disappearing. he can basically justify any spending by thinking of a reason to do it. this morning he said the girls need new watercolour pencils and I know they have some but I felt a strong suggestion that I shouldn't go and look for them (I did, they had disappeared). he then, as he was leaving, on the doorstep, DD1 already outside, suddenly gave me a list of stuff he wanted to buy and why he needed it and I just don't have the energy to argue - he'd sulk and accuse me of being controlling.
the thing is, I worry that I AM controlling. I HATE the lack of control, one of my massive fantasies is having the house the way I like it, everything tidy and in its place, without him coming in with something new (usually second hand, thank god) every day and just leaving it on the floor so I have to decide where it goes. I HATE him just spending willy nilly, buying food and forgetting it in the fridge so I have to throw it out, never accepting the idea of food planning, buying loads of shitty sugary expensive junk for the kids and himself. Maybe I'm just not a relationship/teamwork person. I also struggle in big groups when my role isn't clearly defined. This is a weakness of mine, surely.
But he does all this stuff like 'how are WE going to declutter this house, then?' and 'when are WE going to valet the car' as if mentioning it has discharged his own responsibility and it then becomes my business. I declutter the house about once a week (I am anal, by preference I would live in a white room with a bed and a desk - and obviously a lovely bright kids' room with lots of toys all ordered neatly) and it just pisses me off when he does stuff like that. he then huffs around the house looking for stuff that's mine (I honestly believe there's very little clutter of mine) and says 'what about this wall hanging you broke? what's this still doing here?' when he knows that DD1 broke it and he said he would glue it.
Isn't this all just normal stuff, though, that all women complain about? When someone else's H goes to buy a picnic for the train and comes back saying 'I did really well, only £23', what do they say? Am I just too weak, too doubting of myself to assert myself? With a more assertive, less crippled-by-doubt (always have been) person maybe he wouldn't get a chance to be abusive?
His putdowns have evolved and become quite insidious. If I get compliments he generally will just 'politely' highlight any other reason there might have been behind it e.g. 'she's very polite', 'he just wants to shag you', 'clever X, always knowing what you want to hear'
and still, SORRY, but still maybe he just isn't abusive at all? I'll send my (even) long(er) rant to BeJeezus now I am FINALLY on my own and able to use my laptop and cover my tracks (I could NEVER write whilst he was on the other sofa, he'd leap over and peer at my screen and ask what I was doing).
I really want to go but he's being so sweet and needy, I'd feel like such an enormous bitch. And the kids! And his mum is about to start chemo (he managed to massively offend her on the phone last night before I got back and then told me what had happened, it's so hard, though, to listen when I know how he retro-views the conversations we have).
Oh yeah, the other things I wanted to say were before I ever came on here and read about NPD and EA I had analysed that our arguments/my problems with him all revolved around 'my concerns are not valid' and 'you can't bend the world to fit you' (me to him). That sounds pretty narcy, right?
and what am I here for? is it just to get permission to leave?
ARGH!
rant over