Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Why no one leaves?? Well I suppose everyone is different and the circumstances are different although the twats are using roughly the same script.
1: Being a giving person who wants the best for the DCs and who has faith in a nuclear family.
2: The future is scary and doubly so when you have been ground down and had your self-esteem taken away by twatish behaviour.
3: Everything is tied up in knots when you have DCs, a house, joint finances, a marriage. Along with that multi-tasking skill, which is fab, comes the inability to compartmentalise things, which is fantastically annoying but may be useful when trying to untangle knots.
4: When you've been told it's all your fault for so long and you've tried to find the strength to mend things, it's hard to give up thinking you can mend and even harder when you know you will get more blame heaped on you. He wants to make everything a lose-lose for you so you automatically see leaving as a lose-lose instead of a winning or good proposition.
5:And for me, sheer bloody loneliness, can you cope will anyone except you every admire the DCs, congratulate them. Those glimmers of good make your heart leap so you want to hold on to those few golden moments and don't realise that in a normal relationship they would just be everydays.

PS re the bean jar. I thought of keeping it a secret. You play the game yourself and use it as a way of rewarding yourself, like hissy's twat bingo.

Garlicbutter.. they mess with your reality and create a new one...and yup they want someone who's easy to manipulate. I think that parental 'model' has alot to answer for too.

Bellatrix your reasons are quite similar to mine. I wish I could say that it isn't as bad as you think it will be, but I can't ...not yet anyway. But I'm fighting back now like I've never ever done in my life and learning quickly so if you ever want to know more just ask me ok x

Notsorted..yup they do make escape seem like a lose-lose scenario..too true!
Secret bean jar and secret conversations too. I used to say in my head what i really wanted to say..

I stayed because I didn't want to be the single parent, the one whose marriage had failed. I also stayed because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I thought I'd disappointed them enough already by not going to university. I always had somewhere to go, it just felt like I'd be walking home with my tail between my legs. BUT, plenty of times I saw adverts on the back of toilet doors at the hospital 'are you a victim of domestic abuse? if you think you might be, ring 1800 **&% and talk in confidence'. I felt liek there were places I could have gone to if I'd been brave enough. Or dramatic^ enough. That's how I would have seen it back then. To save myself, draw a line under it all, that would have been dramatic!! I still did felt that when I left! that I'd caused a lot of 'drama'.

Just spotted this on the thread. From Barbie I think. I'd missed it earlier

"The row where we get to the end, we are splitting up, right, then he goes and watches the telly and I go an wash my hair. Then it's back to normal"

Went through this so many times. Cried and rowed until I felt sick. It was always for nothing though.

When I walked out the door I didn't even bother 'rowing'

ps, really shocking how little help there is in the US.

And to add the fear of repercussions if you say what you want to say. You know in your heart of hearts that nothing you say will make him change his behaviour and having seen things broken, yourself abused in whatever way, what the likely outcome is ... no change, more abuse.
On a couple of occasions I shouted at twat in a variety of other languages - I know them, he doesn't. It was great, especially the swearing. Ooh not nice but it did make me feel so much better. That was one thing he was jealous of me about, having some secret knowledge, language, culture he didn't have, and he couldn't pick me up about my mistakes in said languages.

What kept me in the relationship was kidding myself that I wasn't really in one! he didn't live here, never stayed, didn't even come round every day, yet the effects on me were still significant. I was still on edge when he was here, monitoring what I was saying, couldn't eat meat in his presence (well i could have, but not worth the grief) couldnt mention any man's name.

The day I gave him the boot was glorious. He gave me the reason, I took it.

and did he accept that? I "broke it off" with my x about ten times. He literally wouldn't accept it. He would scream at me "I will be the judge of that". It'd be funny if it were cartoon characters, king of the hill style.

my fiance was my best friend i was in a violent relationship and he helped me though it. 2 years later we got together and i fell pregnant after use being together 4 3 months. i have just come out of depression aswell. he is a mummys boy has always been spoilt.

when i go out with friends he likes me to call every hour to see how my son is. he moans if i do go out or he will start a random argument.

we are living with his mum i havent got my own keys as of yet were on benifets but he always has the money so if we have an argument before he goes to his work experience he take the keys money fags and phone were both using meaning i cant go out with my son

i have bad problems with my family and in arguments he says go get a family that care and it really hurts me

if he starts an argument infront of my son i tell him to stop shouting or not to swears and he tell me to fuck off and stop telling him what to do

i am really unhappy but sometimes he has his moments were i see my best mate the person i fell in love with but its very rare also i do everything with my son bottles nappys feeds and he does nights my son wakes up at 6:30am has a bottle and lays in bed til 7 then it my goes until 6:30 pm at night but yet he moans if i dont help him at 6:30am to literally give my son his bottle i need some serious advice
and sometime he says hes goin to take me to court and get my son taken off me even though i am the best mum my son can have

booboo, you poor thing, you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. Your first boyfriend was violent and that's easier to identify as clearly being wrong, but this fiance is not an improvement. He is abusive too.

It's very hard to face up to, but part of what attracted him to you was your vulnerability!! What sort of asshole is attracted to a woman because she has already had her self-esteem eroded?? You are also isolated from your family. Half of his job was done! You must be very easy to control because your first abusive partner trained you up for him.

Do not marry him. If you ever do end up in court being married to the guy makes him look like a caring responsible father. Touch wood he's too lazy and selfish to every end up court, but IF that ever happens, you don't want him to be able to present himself to the court as a wronged married father.

Break off the engagement and go to a refuge. If you genuinely fear losing your son that is the number one thing you can do to ensure that that never happens. he will not get custody of your son. They all say that! They all threaten to take us to court. My x did too. A wealthy guy, and well able to present himself as a fine upright citizen but funnily enough when it comes down to it, spending money just to be allowed to see more of his kids, it turns out he'd rather spend it on other things.

Threatening to paint you as a mad woman is just classic. Text book text book text book text book. He will not get custody of your son. They ALL say that.

You sond very young. Please will you ring women's Aid and let them help you get out of this situation. DO not let the years roll by and get to the point where your son is asking you to stay/not to leave. GEt OUT OF THIS SITUATION NOW while your child is still very young. You don't want him to grow up to witness his father talking to his mother like she is a piece of shit.

I was in my mid thirties when I left my x, and I had family to go to, although they were a long way away and it was hard to leave everything, not just him. If you have nowhere to go and no money when you get there then you are going to have to accept some help. Please will you do that. Please will you ring women's aid? They won't TELL you 'do this, do that'. They will just let you talk.

why did i stay so long?

I am in the minority it seems, in that I am not at all scared of being on my own at all. I know I will be happy on my own and I will manage fine, with finances and the kids. Have no hang ups about being a single parent. We will be skint, but thats ok.

I stayed because;

• it took me flipping ages to realise the damaging affect it would have on the dcs to stay. I really thought that keeping the family together was best for them for a looong time. I thought I could hide it from them. then I realised I couldnt.

• I thought I was happy enough..he was rubbish I knew that, but I thought I could cope with that, because other wise i had good job, lovely friends, wonderful kids etc (related to point 1 really)

• I though it was my fault and I thought I could change things

ooo...that made me cry. Unexpectedly

Another thought on why one stays.
That sense of having made your bed, you must lie in it. I kept wondering what went on in other people's relationships. Was it me who was just getting silently pissed off, being reduced to tears, feeling alone when I was supposed to be in a relationship. Was I not asking in the right way for the right things? Am I normal. Is this normal. Is this a one off? Did I provoke it? If I don't expect too much, can I stop him kicking off?
Oh the reasons are endless, which is why unpicking it all alone is so difficult.

That sense of having made your bed, you must lie in it

DEFINITELY!

babyhammock

thanks for the book pointer. I have that book. I never read all of it when I got it because I naturally do alot of what it says (usually!)
i.e, i;

1. listen with full attention
2. acknowledge their feelings with a word
3. give their feelings a name
4. give them their wishes in fantasy

Ive revisited again today after your post. And Ive realised I think, that I am so preoccupied with impending divorce, sorting out finances and shuffling bits of paper, awful mortgage situation, and stupid awkward selfish stbxh; that I arent even doing 1) at the moment!!!!

Ive made an effort today and what a world of difference. DD1 even commented at bedtime what a lovely day she had (all we've done is trail round the locality doing boring errands!!) and we havent argued!

it makes me cross and sad that I have been a rubbish mum, probably for a while.
It also makes me cross at stbxh because my head and thoughts were so clear before him.. I would never have been confused about what had happened or why something was happening. I was a very 'still' and considered person. he has made me chaotic and I feel it is effecting my parenting

Im so glad you posted that babyhammock!

I think there are other issues with the camping trip. But its in the past

ok, I know the moment has probably passed and we've moved on a bit, but Ive done my list. It was so hard to do, that now I have I would like to post it anyhow. So here goes;

1. I am a 'doer' rather than a 'talker'
2. I am very practical
3. I have a logical brain, good at lateral thinking and thinking outside the box- good problem solver
4. Lots of common sense
5. I have integrity, a social conscious and sound moral compass
6. I am genuine and non-judgemental
7. I am a reliable and supportive friend
8. I can consider all sides of an arguement/ see others point of view
9. Very intuitive
10. Make amazing cakes
11. Not afraid of making a fool of myself
12. Compassionate and empathic
13. positive, optimistic, enthusiastic about life
14. I laugh alot
15. I can remove beer bottle tops with my teeth

I'm sure (15) isn't very good for you. But, boy, am I IMPRESSED!

bandwithering to answer your question, X had no choice but to accept it. He probably hasn't really, as I am still getting "miss u" texts whenever I speak to him (on text) but I don't reply. I still miss the fantasy of him, but that's ok as I am never going back. What we had is broken beyond repair, I see him too clearly now and what I see is someone not good enough for me.

Beejezus .. so pleased :)
Hey good list!
I hate the way they preoccupy your thoughts and create these horrible chaotic feelings.
Even now whenever I hear what the lastest thing ex has done or is planning either from his solicitor or otherwise, it sends our calm little world that me and DS are living in atm, despite him and everything he's doing, into orbit. All those hideous feelings of thinking i just can't take anymore come flooding back. I'm so determined not to let him ruin any more of our days but its so hard blanking it sometimes.

garlicbutter

I'll swap number 15) for your 'natural dancer'!

Love the lists. Think it's a great idea to do now and then. I'm still nervous of doing mine especially since today started out well and has ended on a downer.
Ex's speciality was creating chaos, bad feeling and then running for the hills.
And he's been at it again.
So solicitor etc - him on legal aid - but he won't get anymore apparently. I got over the fear of wondering what was going to come next. I've got to the point where I think I'm in a state to sit down and work things out and now it seems we are back in limbo land, where nothing is sorted because he doesn't want it to be, or I suspect he knows things that he doesn't want mentioned will come up or have already been brought up by my sol.
So we are back seeing who is going to make a move or if nothing happens then I get the blame for not working out how HIS contact with the DCs happens. I have offered various things but he has refused.
It's all the same twatishness where I suggest and he says no. God knows I've tried to be positive, but all he can do is be negative.
Grrr just needed to vent.

And I shall stick on my list as No1: Flexible, even in the face of utter twatishness.
2: Good cook
3: Diplomatic
4: Witty
5: Intelligent
6: Curious about the world
7: Hard-working
8: Undogmatic
9: Can listen and take advice
10: Enjoys the moment
11: Sensitive
12: Enthusiastic gardener
13:Know my own strengths and weaknesses
14: Appreciative of simple things
15: Good company

Hi booboo. I'm so glad that you can hold onto your confidence as a mum. Good for you! Get in touch with WA and don't waste anymore of your and your precious son's life with this loser.

BigButtons what a blow hearing that from your mother. That is not on. Do you think that SS see this a lot? e.g. the parent of someone with an abusive partner is not quite right? i.e. it's not coincidence that someone has 2 people like that in their life; rather, in some cases might explain why alarm bells didn't ring sooner when their partner started to be abusive?

I'm loving the lists. Aren't we a great bunch? It's very helpful for me to read these, because I think I have been so stupid, and constantly berate myself for my mistakes (choosing such an awful husband and father, and for exposing my DCs to him for so long). But I can really identify with you, my thread-mates, and think you sound fun, interesting, kind, smart, and more. I can see the positive traits that attracted your abusive partners (compassion and empathy for starters). And I don't blame you guys at all for getting involved with someone who turned out to be abusive. So I think I should cut myself some slack.

As for why I stayed so long? A lot of the reasons already mentioned (made my bed, belief in nuclear family, thought if I just tried harder...), but mainly because it never dawned on me that other people had better marriages. Compared to my parents' marriage, mine was pretty good.

I did some re-organising stuff tonight, separating my stuff from his. (The dreaded back room) He often has massive clear-ups when he gets my stuff and shifts it about and I then can't find anything. So I'm taking control of my stuff now. Now that I think about it for the past couple of years I have been going through things bit by bit and making space to keep all my stuff, separate from his.

And I notice how as soon as I've sorted my stuff in my spaces so I can find it, his stuff creeps in. Such an obvious analogy for our relationship.

Nice to hear I'm not the only one who fantasises about leaving dp for years. He got out some old videos recently and I found them very hard to watch - I think I was picking up on my own stress from way back.

A wee bit tipsy on lager and chocolate... best go.

My x used to do that to me. There were a couple of things, like weights, (for exercising!!) that just used to go missing repeatedly. I replaced them a few times as well because no matter how many times I asked him what he'd done with them he wouldn't remember/tell me/admit to having moved them. It was WEIRD.

Before I even realised I was definitely leaving my x, I remember doing things like visiting my parents house in a really nice coat and bag and boots and leaving the NICE stuff there and wearing back old coat/trainers/old cloth bag. I'd then bin them once I got back to his house. Then the next time I visited my parents I'd do similar things. I didn't analyse this. I knew I was doing it, I decided to do it, but... it felt instinctive to leave precious things at my parents' house instead of in my own 'home'

I stayed for so long because, at first I didn't realise. My family have emotionally and verbally, and sometimes physically abused me. My first husband was abusive and raped me a lot.

I thought it was kind of normal. Well not normal, but I never REALLY questioned my lot in life. I just didn't have one. I was the ball in other's pinball machine.

It was my Nurse Prac who blew the gaff. I hated her for a few weeks there, probably because she forced me to face facts.

When I got together with H, it felt like escape to a sanctuary. I could do with that feeling right now, but I have to create my own, and I don't know how.

The other reason is that he has systematically removed evrything from my life, and he was the only thing left.

Up until we split last year and I reactivated my facebook account. That has started to rebuild my social structure, I am in touch with friends. I absolutely insisted that I meet some of the people in his life, and that I be allowed to accompany him to a couple of funerals....apparently, that is normal...I did have to ask on here. At the last funeral, I made plans with some people to come to visit us when we got back from Spain. Well that won't happen now, but they have rung me, expecting to make friends, and I have told them the truth. He didn't like that.

So lack of confidence, isolation, excrutiating lonliness, the single parent thing, just that is is so tough and relentless, especially dealing with traumatised and angry children. And the fact that I really miss the fantasy him, as well as the on form him, who is wonderful Aren't they all.

thisis, you have seen that he systematically removed everything from your life. That is so sinister, perhaps you can only look at it sideways for now but it's the truth and you've written it down. Well done :)

You've told the truth to shared (his) friends. You know what a powerful statement that is. You may not feel powerful, but you are.

You've done wonders in reviving your own, friendly, supportive, singing life with friends! One of the kindest things you could have done for yourself, and you're doing it. You're still doing it. People love you - lean on them a little :)

The aftermath is horrid. When your life, your identity, your self-belief, trust and knowledge have all been deliberately undermined, you feel you have few resources with which to rebuild. In many ways, you have been robbed of those resources and you do have to re-create them or create new ones. You can do it. You will.

Are you listing your resources? Asking decent friends for ideas & input? Working out how to build on what you have, to create what you need and what you want? I bet you are :)

If I may suggest it - go back to your inner child work. Make Bluebell safe and happy; she'll help you with the rest.

Hugs xx