Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

1001 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 24/07/2011 09:09

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

OP posts:
lloyd1 · 10/08/2011 11:40

Thank you ladies. I have barely spoken to him yesterday. I just don't seem to be able to find the right words to say how unhappy I am.
Maybe my first step is counselling and a trip to the CAB.
I also think that maybe things wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't lost my mum. I think deep down she never approved and I realise she was right. However, ironically I would have never left whilst she was alive as there is still in her eyes a stigma attached to divorce. She was of the genereation where you got on with it.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 11:56

Lloyd1
A decent man would find it in himself to comfort you over the loss of your mother, or at the very least give you some space to be on your own to grieve her. Do get some counselling, do detach as much as you can. If you can create a space/place to think about your mother, in a sense put your need to come to terms with that above your relationship with him. It does take time to mourn.

wizbitwaffle · 10/08/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 13:55

Wizbit
The CSA bit had me in pieces yesterday. In principle he should do his bit as it's a legal acknowledgement of his responsibility; in practice oh no he's going to hate me even more. Explains so much about why it took me so long to do it. And it will be a token payment anyway.
I think I have to face mediation otherwise everything is still in limbo, which is a place I hate being ? clue in my name I do want everything sorted, open, honest. Hah then why did I spend so long with Mr Devious, couldn't tell the truth if it bit him on the bum. Ho hum.

lloyd1 · 10/08/2011 14:31

Hi. Am off on holiday tomorrow without him. Can't wait. Although I guess that has riled him too.
Think I have claimed my prize in advance as I was up late last night watching you tube and drinking wine.

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 16:50

Hi everyone, I mentioned before that I called WA the other day. I didn't get an answer but I find this so hard. He keeps coming up to me and wanting to touch me and I feel bad refusing his 'affection'.

I feel I have no energy to do anything proactive, I can't be bothered with anything. I keep reverting to thinking how I can go on in this situation, as opposed to how I can go forward without him.

Last year we were going to move out of London and I realised that the only reason for this was because I thought it would be better if we were apart for a few days. So I decided against it and to sort us out. He has made no steps to get sorted, except he read one chapter of the Beverly Engel book (a change program for those in abusive relationships).

I think sometimes I create a crisis so that I can push him away from me. But the thing is, we have built up this whole life, our home, our friends, I can't picture how we will shake all this off and start again. I know he will make us sell the house.

Not sure what I want from you guys, but how can you envisage a future when it may be so bleak? The EA that is going on is just pain in the arse stuff. Things like responding to everything I say with a challenging question. It's irritating and stressful and I have to a certain extent but I have just disengaged from it, largely. But what I'm left with is a shell of a relationship - I don't want to be his friend any more, I don't want to hold him any more - yet that's the only way I will be able to continue with the relationship (which I want to do cos it's kind of the logical thing to do).

I might go and see the counsellor (£50 a time!!!) to see me through this change because I can't seem to see any future other than me in a cramped flat working all hours, him being difficult about contact arrangements, or even him pushing for custody because he's about to be made redundant.

I need to see something to look forward to. At the moment it feels like I will fail at everything - I do often fail at things, but it may be something to do with him being in my life since I was 21.

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 16:54

I have three choices -

a) move to the country where accommodation is cheaper but with upheaval for dcs,
b) move in with Mum who's 85 and lives alone but I would feel it's a step backwards,
c) or stay nearby so dcs can stay at same schools but would live in a tiny place.

Anyone have any other suggestions? Because all of these seem like really hard work from where I'm sitting.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 17:02

Ok:
Go to your GP, ask if there is any low-cost counselling available. There may be a waiting list. Are you depressed?
Keep phoning Women's Aid, you will get your call answered eventually
Also phone Respect - who deal with abuse programmes for men, they do listen to those who suffer from abuse
Relate do cheaper email/telephone counselling - just for you, not both of you.
Perhaps read some more/different books to get yourself a bit more perspective.

Your options as you have set them out look quite bleak. To be strong for the future you want as least hassle/hard work as possible. Admittedly any change is hard work but a kernel of strength/steeliness will get you there.
Can you get away for a few days alone? With your books, some notepaper, or just do nothing?
Sorry if they sound a bit airy fairy but what came to me first off

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:04

Deep down I do think it's all over, I know I would be very disengaged from him when it happens, he would try and wind me up and fight (with his family's full backing - they have a big influence on him and don't like me much) the only thing we have going at the moment is a sense of humour and we do have a laugh together, only last night we were laughing.

I've done bugger all today, but thought a lot of thoughts, none of which have led anywhere.

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:04

Sorry to keep going on and on...

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:08

Our low-cost counselling is also low-quality. They all seem to have a degree in counselling from the University of Timbuktoo, have read a couple of self-help books and sit there watching while my head goes round in circles.

I don't like to think I'm depressed because that's the kind of thing that HE says. Usually after I have refused sex - "there's something wrong with you" he spits.

MadameOvary · 10/08/2011 17:08

barbie you dont need a counsellor (certainly not one at £50) - you just need to accept that the relationship is over, and that you have the right to decide this and do what is best for you and your DC's.
You say you often fail at things - why not say you often succeed at the them to? You can certainly do this, and instead of failing (at what? pretending your relationship is not shitawful?) you can succeed in forging ahead with a new life for yourself.

Is it hard work? Yes.
But a different sort of hard work, the kind that reaps rewards, not the sort of hard work where you beat your head against the brick wall of an abusive partner day after day for fuck all.

PM me if you want. You can do this. Smile

notsorted · 10/08/2011 17:09

Love it really does sound as though you may be depressed. I recognise the doing bugger all stuff and feeling thoughts overwhelming you. I was rubbish yesterday but feeling better today. Even the strongest relationship will find redundancy hard to cope with. That is not minimising what you have/are going through at all with the EA.
Who can you talk to in RL? Do a plus/minus balance sheet. This week, short-term, long-term plans. Write here, sometimes getting those thoughts out clarifies them. I don't practice what I preach very often but when I do, it helps me
I sense you are on the verge of tears so huge (((hugs))).

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:09

I worry that ADs will make me minimise the abuse even more.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 17:13

Sorry, xposted, apologies for the depressed stuff.
If you have the strength, tell him you have an absolute right to refuse sex. It doesn't mean you are mad/bad/depressed. It's your body and you chose what to do with it when you please.

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:15

I don't cry for myself, just for others! But thanks for hugs. I made a kind of pact with myself a couple of years ago not to talk to my friends about this because I found that when I did I would just whinge all the time and it's actually very boring if it has gone on for years! It's also not very nice for them - once or twice, but not for years. And now you guys get it all.

MadameOvary · 10/08/2011 17:15

You are not on AD's? Oh please, please consider them. AD's cannot make you minimise abuse. That isn't how they work. I favour therapy over drugs every time but sometimes you need to boost your brain chemistry a little.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 17:20

What is your GP like? Are you still in contact with HVs (I know some of them are crap, but some can be helpful). GPs should be aware of abuse and you can talk through the options re ADs and talk about what is going on. Whatever it takes, is worth trying. If he wasn't such a failure, he would be supporting you not undermining you. More (((hugs)))

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:37

GP is a good idea, hard to get an appointment round here but I don't think I will have the strength without some help. DCs are too old for HVs. Services generally are absolute sh*te here, it's all just box-ticking and you're kind of telling them what's wrong with you rather than the other way round. They sit on the fence about everything in case they get sued. I think I want someone else to tell me what to do. That's one thing about HIM, he rarely makes plans with me so we tend to just swish around waiting for stuff to happen.

barbiegrows · 10/08/2011 17:40

But MO - what if I take ADs and we're all happy again and I slowly slide back into the mire that is his world?

MadameOvary · 10/08/2011 17:57

barbie AD's dont cloud your judgement - the opposite in fact. I suppose the best way to describe them is that they help thin the fog and give you some clarity. Please talk to your GP about it as they can really help, but you need to make an informed decision.

notsorted · 10/08/2011 18:06

Barbie, sounds like your H and my ex are related, hah. It's a huge burden you are carrying. You are working to find some way forward, he rarely makes plans; he thinks sex is the ultimate panacea for the relationship and then blames you for thinking that is not the point or is just a temporary sticking plaster.
Do make the appt with your GP. It is something positive. And ADs can give you a little bit more clarity, a bit of extra strength. You don't have to take them forever. You may decide they are not for you. It's hard, it's definitely not fair that you are having to do all the thinking, while he takes no responsibility. I want to go and shout at him on your behalf.

garlicbutter · 10/08/2011 20:03

Antidepressants will help your system combat stress. Neurotransmitters (hormones) are interdependent and an imbalance with one can cause a domino effect, potentially damaging your health. Most English GPs prescribe Citalopram to start with; it's fairly mild and is usually great for easing anxiety.

Have you thought of agreeing with H that you have a mental health problem? That could mean you get to find a private counsellor, with his blessing. It's what a lot of downtrodden wives do when their bully starts accusing them of 'having something wrong with them' - they then use the counselling for structured support to leave him Wink

Bandwithering · 10/08/2011 20:06

have to say, my x told me for years I was depressed because I wouldn't agree with him, and because I wasn't able to instantly forget when he called me names and hit me.......

So eventually I went on anti-depressants just for an easy life, or what. I don't know.

But they gave me the strength to detach from him, the courage to plan and the balls to finally leave.

Bandwithering · 10/08/2011 20:07

MadameOvary+1

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.