Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Oh I think c too. I think he felt like a total arse in front of them and I know from previous conversations that they are very much of the "wtf do you put up with him" line! I think he's stepping up to the mark a bit because he's realised I mean business but I'm under no illusions that it will last.
He's home EARLY tonight to put DCs to bed - that's another rare occasion.
It's like living with a different person the last few days, he's never been like this!
On a different note am currently trying to support a good friend whose DH has turned into a complete EA'er after 20 years of being the most devoted fabulous DH. All very bewildering for her. Any ideas???

BW
just a question re how you divorce stuff that he put you through in front of the DCs and a few things against DCs with getting to that point of detachment?
I'm still in the I want to see change/expect him to come somewhat closer to the mark of proper parenting because I want to protect the DCs from him. If he did it to me and blamed me for stuff he did in front of DCs/involving them, then who decides that is ok and that in effect I'm to blame? Or rather it was all about me not about DCs so if we never have any contact will that mean DCs are safe? Basically if you don't trust the f*er then how do you trust him alone with those who are most important to you?

bellatrix that's a relief to know that his mates are on your side too. My dp tends to listen to what everyone else says apart from me, he comes back with some crazy notions because other people have suggested them. That makes my blood boil. He's doing this for them and not for you. Aaargh!

notsorted that's the only reason I'm faffing about trying to get mine to read the Engel book. I realised this morning that it won't work. He just came back from work and I had to tell him not to touch me. He didn't get it and once again walked off in a huff. It has finally got to the stage that he makes my skin crawl.

Barbie
'he makes my skin crawl', urgh get out. I had some perfectly fine bfs pre kids and lived with a couple but remember the one I fell out of love with but felt guilty about being with because I could no longer fancy him and the other with whom I became best friends and then because we no longer had sex we ended up arguing. Sex is an important glue to keep you together, not the only thing but it gets you past the rough bits. If you think you can love him again at some time in the future then stay, if not prepare to go.
Don't know what I'm saying as for me the sex was part of the glue that let me forgive the unforgiveable (DCs as well) but he even used that against me in the end.

barbie, there is literally no way back from skin crawling, trust me. It's the final link gone. face it and embrace it, your nightmare is coming to an end.

bellatrix/barbi: the mates are not on HER side, they were just being blokeish silly comments for the sake of it, bellatrix's response is what caused the sea change, but it is PURELY for his external image to his mates.

When he realises that she is not going to crumble, mark my words, there will be repercussions of some petty kind or another.

Hi, wizbit,
I remember exactly that behaviour. Funny how all the nice occasions turned into 'all about me' sulks. And he had the cheek to say I never really loved him enough ffs - hard when you've got two kids to ensure all the attention focuses on the other grown-up in the house.

Small digression - article on the women who choose to stay with notorious and questionable men.

Doesn't answer any questions, but I found it an interesting observation by Yasminl Alibahai-Brown nonetheless.

Even more interesting when you include the link!

Hi, need a boost of good sense from you guys.
I finally contacted the CSA as no response to request to do the honorable thing. They contacted me back so will be in touch with ex. Now am scared that it will make things worse. Oh, why, oh why can't he just do the decent thing?
And worried that mediation will be now be awful as he'll know they are on to his case. Am I just scared of irrevocable steps and being hated? And it's really point of principle as they will get bare minimum. But then again he isn't getting the principle of doing the right thing by them.

Yup I agree with herhissy, there will be repurcussions when this latest phase stops. I don't think the mates are on her side either. I'm sure they're his 'mates as they have a similar pov to him.

Also I don't think this sudden change where he's better than all the other times is anything to do with his mates opinion or sudden enlightenment as to what a jerk he is (Jeeze how many times I fell for the enlightened at last trick). Its all to do with what he thinks he needs to do to keep you under his control. This nice phase will not last and you will be punished one way or another for showing him up in front of these mates of his.

I can't believe how much i was taken in by wanting to believe he had finally seen the light as to how horrible he was to me. You just hang onto those things though don't you. He never did, it was just an act. He was actually a cold calculating psychopath and boy am I seeing the real side of him now that I have left.

notsorted, love, have you not seen that he places you in a lose/lose situation at every given point?

If you adopt a softly softly approach, you will (a) get nothing achieved, and/or (b) he'll throw spanners in the works ANYWAY!

If you have warned him, and tried every negotiation possible, then you have to spare all sympathies, as he will toward you. This is NOT your DH. This is Mr Hyde, remember, he adopted Dr Jekyll to trap you.

Who cares if he hates you. he hates you being HAPPY, so why would you listen to his version of who's naughty and who's nice?

TBH, mediation is a waste of your time, their time and resources, he'll never be negotiated with, not ever, so as I have said, stop it. Cite abuse and show them what is said by counsellors of abuse victims to back up your decision to end mediation. Forced mediation is not going to be productive is it?

He doesn't know the right thing to do, the right thing robs him of his entitlement to make you utterly miserable, to hurt and destroy you.

Ultimately notsorted, it really doesn't matter a joy what anyone thinks of you. truly it doesn't. Do what you need to do, sod anyone that gets in your way!

think one of my problems is disliking the idea of being hated by anyone. I don't want to give anyone cause to, but then am tied into knots by wanting to stand up for principles - you walked, you pay; you have kids, you have responsibilities; you've made your bed, you've got to lie in it.
I sound so bloody Victorian and self-righteous but got shafted when I tried the love, respect, mutual support to bring up DCs together stuff. Don't think I've accepted the fact that he is at heart a complete tosser.
I am going to see mediator and have done quick draft of what I will say in bit on my own and bit I say in front of him. I just wish he'd go away and not want to play a part in DCs lives.

erm, look around love.... we are ALL people pleasers here.... that's what we do.. that's why they catch us! They are a bottomless pit of NEED...

It's so liberating to say, Actually I DON'T CARE!

It is right that he pays for the maintenance of his family. It is not at the price of their happiness and freedom. the Tosser bit is the hardest, but that is exactly what he is, scratch of that veneer of normalness, look at how he treats you, how he behaves, speaks, acts.... TOSSER!

Oh I know. I also know he is on the victim kick now - poor me, can't see DCs, it's just because she is upset re me finally settling on OW. No it's not. All the abuse, arguments, bad feeling was about you taking no responsibility for the DCs, proper responsibility not just doing the washing up, spending one day a week with us as a family, cocklodger, tosser.
Think I will have to psych myself up to go in and be bolshie, not a people pleaser to the mediator but then she'll think I'm the controlling one with the attitude problem. Caught every which way.
I hate arguments for which there are no solutions.

Explain that you have tried everything, that you are exasperated and have finally run out of patience. You have begged and pleaded and tried to negotiate a way for him NOT to belittle you, control you or abuse you. you have researched this and have been told by all quarters that to negotiate with abusers is a total waste of everyone's time.

You are going for the divorce, you are going for CSA, you have had enough. and mean it!

State that you are aware that she may get the wrong impression that you are controlling, but nothing could be further from the truth, you are looking out for your DC, and nothing else. Having this man in your life is only making you miserable, it's not good enough.

Again, what does it matter, really what she thinks of you, she is not the judge. She is not a solicitor.

there is a solution, it's about being absolutely clear, having only one agenda which is the betterment of your life and that of the DC.

Dear Hissy
I am going to take my Lundy and rewrite my draft of what I want mediator to know with more balls. Thank you.

Twat-B-Gone gave me a much-needed laugh Thank you MO

notsorted FWIW, I can see just from reading your posts why mediation is not recommended in cases with a history of abuse. My solicitor is very pro-mediation, but before i could say anything, said, "Well, obviously in your case we can't do mediation, as there's been abuse." Is your solicitor giving you any advice on this?

I can see why this advice is given when I look at my disastrous experience with relate-style relationship counselling. We were told in the paperwork that it wasn't suitable for couples in abusive relationships, but I went ahead anyway. It was awful and I still kick myself for going through with it. I was so cowed and scared to talk about the abuse that I didn't recognise the relationship we were discussing. H did most of the talking/raising issues, I was just not used to standing up to him or 'telling on' him. The whole process gave H yet another stick to beat me with, and and to this day he thinks the problems in our relationship are down to me.

wizbit that must be another one for the Lundy bingo: making every important day about him by having a tantrum or his own personal crisis. Childbirth? Check! Threatened MC? Check! New job? Check! My birthday? Check! Christmases? Check after bloody check! I got to the stage where I started to hate Christmas because I know what would happen.

Bingo! I also had tea used as an instrument of oppression. Who would have guessed that this would be a common experience?

I'm having to write a statement to prepare for court so all of this is all too fresh in my mind. It's been a few months since I made the great escape and there are some memories I would have been happy not to unpack. I'm also terrified that he'll be able to charm everyone into believing him.

Not sure if I qualify but here goes.
(d)h has been little support to me after loss of my mum. Even asked why I was crying the evening of her funeral.
He had a go at me in front of his mum because I haven't cleared out garage.
He posted on facebook because I took children away for the day to visit family instead of staying home doing my job. Presumably to clean house! (accept house is a tip at moment)
When I visited family before xmas he sent me a text saying if you are not home by x time don't bother coming home.
I am really unhappy at moment but do not seem to have the strength to challenge him. Also concerned because finances are tight. We have a huge mortgage and I don't work.
Any advice appreciated.

I am sorry I haven't been posting as regularly. I feel very numb. I feel detatched and like barbie said sometimes I feel like he makes my skin crawl but yet I act like all is fine.. yet inside I'm crying to get out. I don't know what happened the strong independent woman I was 10yrs ago.
Picture the scenario he is sitting across from me at kitchen table right now on his laptop and we are finishing a bottle of wine and I just feel like blurting out that I want it over (again I've done it before) but it doesnt matter to him he never listens and I still end up stuck here. I have reasons I need to stay here. I've paid all the rent up to date on this place . I have an spn child and this house is as close to her school and therapy as I will get without having a car . I am missing a man that I was in love with when i got together with stbx really badly because we were best friends, not lovers and through the hard times last year he was there for me in email,text etc and he shared that he wished things could have been different as in he wished he had made a move before I got with stbx. It haunts me. It kills me. I actually love that guy and I know he loves me and yet I am stuck here in this relationship that I hate and I am pretending it is ok to all outside and just waiting for the next time stbx blows up on me. HE has just asked me who I'm talking to so I have to go. dont want him knowing im posting on a forum

Lloyd I will come back to you but he sounds like another dickhead so welcome to the group. Hope you are ok x

Thank you break free. I feel so weak at the moment I don't want to speak to him. I feel so hurt that he has posted stuff about our relationship online for mutual friends and indeed family to see. However, I feel trapped. Finacially I do not see a way out. Guess a visit to CAB is in order once the dc are back at school.

Breakfree - is this other man married? Sounds like you are in a really sad place right now but I get it. The whole thing about what you would have to give up just for your happiness. It's really hard to make that decision.

Ladies I've just posted another thread on here entitled "should I let him do this if I might leave" or something like that. Basically DH is now all for getting the snip done week after next as his proof he wants our marriage to work. I don't know that I still will stay? I worry this makes me a complete bitch to let him do this and then leave after? Any opinions gratefully received!

Dear all,
oh if only we could all fast forward a year or two to when we are happy, sorted and the twat is well and truly gone. I guess some of us are hoping the twat goes but Mr Nice Guy is a permanent fixture and the rest are hoping that the whole package has bought that ticket to the far side of f*.

Breakfree I think you should leave the decision entirely up to him. If you can say it's not an issue for you anymore so it's how he sees the rest of his life and say gently, what if nothing is for ever. Do you get counselling before the snip? It's his body, his decision so don't feel in any way guilty.

Lloyd1 welcome aboard. Don't sit and drink wine with him. Try and detach. I know it's the holidays but perhaps do something in another room in the house? And gather all the information that you can from CAB, divorcewiki and all the rest. Knowledge is power ... or perhaps see a counsellor/relate briefly to work through your options/fears alone. And post here whenever you need to. x

Bellatrix. Make sure he knows that the decision is his and his alone. How does this sound:

"H, you should only do this if you don't want any more children. It's not something I can decide for you. After all, if something happened to me and you then went on to meet someone else, you might regret it."

Posting and running, sorry, if you try it let us know what he says x