Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Oh dear. seems like My Hyde has come down this morning. Jekyl lasted an afternoon. Tried to start a row about the the fact that the cleaner IS coming in tomorrow to do some extra cleaning for me. How I should have discussed it with him yesterday etc.
I'm afraid I told him to shut up, not quite the decorum I wanted to keep. This was after I realised I had been trying to have a reasonable discussion with him about it. (don't engage, don't engage, don't engage)

How on earth do you keep up this impenetrable wall up when you're being goaded heavily into a fight, and I mean heavily???

I think its easy easier for me because I don't think I love him anymore. If you still love your H I can imagine it makes it very difficult to switch off.

bigbuttons - I just stay quiet and say inside my head "fuck you fuck you fuck you" that works quite well. Or imagine being in bed with someone really hot :)
My counsellor recommends focusing on being in my "safe place" but sometimes that just doesn't cut it!
I know what it's like though, it's not easy :(

Dear Buttons,
try and find something else absorbing - ironing, gazing out of the window. I do like the internal swearing. Look at stress relieving techniques ... the sort advised for people giving up smoking.
I could never do it. I always got wound up so got blamed for the arguments. One trouble is that once you've got to a really nasty place re abuse you just don't risk any of the arguments normal people have just in case it spills over the edge.
Keep cool and post to let off steam x

Thanks. Oh no I don't love him I hate him. It's years of keeping stum that is adding to the difficulty now. I can't keep quiet anymore because I realise I don't have to be frightened of any consequences.
He just started another rant about want surety that the mess outside the back door would be cleaned away. I said of course it would be cleared away at some point, but I couldn't give him a date.
All the time in my head I was remembering he used EXACTLY the same words to me for yearswhen I was pleading with him to get some basic repairs done in the house( including a rank piss soaked toilet floor, with the tiles alling off everywhere) . He told me sweetly how he understood my frustration but he assured me it would get done just not when.
Years later one of the jobs got done.
So I smiled sweetly at him this morning and said
" Oh I do understand how frustrating it is when things don'y get done. I can assure you it will get done though, at some point, of course it will, don't worry.
"it's very frustrating not knowing when it will be done though, I pay the gardener and cleaner and there is still mess there"
"yes I know, it's IS so frustrating isn't it, but it will get done"
And so on.....

No doubt he will report me to SS for leaving a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and gardening stuff near the backdoor. Probably the start of the next round of bubonic plague.

Buttons I heard this great phrase years back. This girl told me that when she made a mistake in her ballet class, instead of dwelling on it, the teacher would say:
"Cancel and continue"
It really appealed to me.
Not that you made a mistake - its the sort of thing I would have done too, but hope it will help.
Once you get to the point of putting them in the "hopeless case who will never change" box, it becomes easier to shrug off things - literally.
So instead of feeling riled (you were the doing the right thing by keeping the house clean after all!) you just smile and say "I'm sure you realise the importance of an extra day here and there when needed"

Just read your last post. Well done!

Using his own words, smiling sweetly. Oh yes. You are so getting there.

Great Buttons
decide what you want to do and when you want to do it.
And was going to ask everyone what good tricks they have for taking their minds off Mr Hyde or for stopping thinking about the twat. I am trying not to dwell on the crap, but must admit my fruitless desire for closure is getting me down. I have booked appointment with hypnotist this week. Decided I am going to throw more money and time to sorting myself out than I devote to thinking about ex.

I'm dying to hear how your session goes, notsorted! Hope s/he leaves you feeling marvellous - and steady :)

Bb I can understand that silly nonsense, mine has just had a go at me about the mess out the back door (about half a dozen things that should go in the shed). It's my work things. He goes out for a fag about half a dozen times a day and does nothing. I haven't had a garden for 2 years because it's been full of building stuff and has a drain that he was unblocking for the whole of Saturday (doesn't want to get a MAN in).

See there I go defending myself.

I just wrote a post which disappeared, about him storing and using my mistakes, often my admissions to him when I assumed he was a friend and confidante, against me. It happened again this morning, following a him telling me I am 'withholding sex'. He announced it loud and clear for all to hear.

His actions and reactions can only be his way of telling me he doesn't want to change or look at his behaviour in any way.

I told youngest dd today that it might be better if Daddy lives somewhere else so we don't have arguments. I asked her why she thinks Daddy is horrid to me "maybe Daddy is horrible to you because you do things wrong". Bless her she has SEN and it took her several minutes to formulate this considered reply. Then she said "can he live somewhere near so I can go and see him whenever I want".

I think this is the beginning of the end but the beginning of a very difficult time. Really sad now.

I wonder about the logistics of this, what with it being holidays I could go away for a week with dcs and leave him to clear his stuff out. He thinks we are going to sell the house and he gets 50%. We are not married. He's redundant in October.

bigbuttons, it concerns me that you write of your housekeeping tasks as if they were a job - not sure how to express this, but you're apologising for defending yourself about some stuff by the back door that nobody has put away, and which won't do any harm if it stays there for another month. I've just apologised to a client for delaying her work - that is a job, it impacts on her livelihood, but I don't feel as bad as you do about your barrow!

Is there any way you can ease up on the self-judgement before the split?

I an really starting to worry now. Just got an email from DH confirming that he has managed to reschedule the meeting he had next month so can now take day off to look after DC as I needed him to. Only a few weeks ago this meeting had taken him 3 months to arrange, no way could it be changed and I was selfish to ask it of him. Also in the email it says he has an appt booked with hospital next week to do the paperwork so he can go and get the big v. And he's paying to go privately to speed things up.
Ok 'fess up who replaced my DH. It's like stepford wives round here. Is it another service from Twat-b-gone???

bellatrix - as bigbuttons proved up thread.... wait a while... it probably won't last!

Hi bellatrix, I've done a quick forensic analysis and this is his motive I think:

Most unusually for me I looked damn good. Cue his friends all asking where I was off to and lots of raised eyebrows. I told the truth, I was off to see a counsellor as our marriage was in a bad way. You could have heard a pin drop as I walked away!

Multiple choice:
a) he has seen the fact that he is abusive and has suddenly changed his behaviour and his mates have made him see sense finally
b) he has seen the error of his ways but is trying to convince you that he has changed his behaviour but deep down knows he won't
c) he has been mortified and embarrassed in front of his mates, and sees this as a damage to his ego so he has into competition mode, trying to prove to his mates that he can keep his gal - just you wait and see

I think b) or c) is the most likely but you will wish to God it was a).

I should find out by talking to one of his mates, ask him what was said after you left. If he says 'nothing really, we were just a bit shocked', you will know it was b) or c). If he says 'we had a really good talk, blablabla, he's mortified and desolate, you never know it might be a).

(C)

Hi all. Sorry I've been away a while, stuff to sort out, you know how it is.

Me and the kids are living away from H, have been for a while. Just had a conversation with H about what's happening with my DS1 and school - he starts P1 next week. He accused me of lying and being sneaky about things. He was angry and asking whats going on, so I said I thought we were living separately, and we should maybe now formally separate.

I feel relieved to have said it. It's true I haven't been upfront with him, but I told him I've renewed the lease. He kept asking if I had a landline - I do but I don't want to give him the number - he can contact me using my mobile. He said my DS1 told him we have a phone.

He just got shouty, and kept putting me down, belittling me, but I was calm. He said that I needed to grow up and have an adult conversation with him, he wouldn't communicate by email or text, just face to face. I said I feel intimidated by him, due to the years of emotional and physical abuse.

I missed my DS1 graduation from nursery as I was away at the Take That concert. He brought this up. At the time we were living in a different town, separately anyway, and DS1 hadn't been going to his nursery for a while.

He says that it's better to be altogether as a family, and that there are more important things to consider than my happiness.....he's just angry because I'm living in a different location now. I moved to be closer to my friends and family, and I guess if we lived separately in the same town, then maybe he would be more accepting of it.

I think it's all about control - he wants to control me, and can't believe I'm capable of making decisions for myself.

Anyhow. As my lovely dad says, you can't make an omlette without breaking some eggs!

Thanks for listening x

Peeptoes it sounds to me like the only thing you can do is have a really clear distance from him - make school send him letters, make a termly plan of who's going to which event, don't allow any grey areas.

But you need to insist that your relationship functions through texts and emails. I can only suggest that you tell him that you will tell social services that is what he wants to do as it amounts to unreasonable behaviour. Tell him that unless he does this you will not be able to make any arrangements at all and he will not get a chance to see his kids.

Tell him to be fucking reasonable! Idiot.

If it makes you feel any better, mine stopped responding to my emails years ago but we're still together and I don't have to make any arrangements with him - cos I do everything - if he wants to join in, it's all on the calendar.

Called WA today but no answer (3 times).

He'll never SEE that he was abusive.

Sorry, but you have to let that go.

Eventually, if you get that 'clear distance' then you will stop caring about whether or not he realises he was a dick to you. You will stop caring about whether or not he's sorry for the way he treated you. You'll stop trying to get him to understand why you left him/that you're not a cold hearted selfish bitch...

Eventually you will care as much about what he thinks as you care what some randomer on the platform at hte station thinks.

That's what you're working towards, in getting over it, getting free mentally.

singforsupper are you new to the thread? Welcome. Do you want to tell us about it?
Bail - apologies I didn't acknowledge you earlier. Welcome to the thread!

Peeptoes, wow you are getting strong! It really takes a lot to tell them it is over, knowing what their reaction will be.
Bellatrix, sorry but I also think (c).

Posted to soon - it would be nice to be proved wrong though!

Split personality me - my alter ego has been with dp for 25 years...