Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Actually bigbuttons, although everybody is of course right about not engaging, I cheered on reading about you leaving him to get his kids ready for an outing he proposed to take them on. It sends several messages to him, to the DC, and most importantly to yourself, that you are not his dogsbody or some kind of automatic child-rearing service, and those are his children, not your project that he is kindly supporting out of the goodness of etc. Anyway when you live apart (hooray!) he's going to have to get used to doing his turn of the basic childcare stuff. You're doing him a favour by letting him get some practice in, aren't you

God, the suddenly turning nice and making tea, and being all jolly in front of the offspring, been there - and of course heaven help me if I didn't drink it, or drink all of it, or consume it fast enough ie when he thought it was the right temperature. I went off tea for two years when we split, although it used to be the staff of life to me. I thought of writing a dissertation entitled "Tea as an instrument of oppression" (and still may post a thread to that effect!). Of course it added to the appearance that I was mean and mad.

garlicbutter the quality of the sound was pants unfortunately and you could see my very messy kitchen behind me so I deleted it. But if I can find a better way to record the sound I will.

MO, you simply HAVE to put that up on FB....

"Tea as an instrument of oppression" brilliant Annie!

Yes, would really like to see your advert MadameO.

Ok here it is

Hi MO
great video
Could you offer a backbone implant service and brain transplants too? (For all of us who are sitting here tormenting ourselves that things could somehow be otherwise?)
x

Funny Thanks for sharing!

Thank you - VERY rough and unscripted - will try and do a better version sometime.
Notsorted - I'll speak to my Board of Directors, tho' I think they'll agree it's not you who needs the implant and transplant x

Twat b gone. haha love it!

Well I feel like my head is going to explode I am so confused. I've had little episodes of niceness from DH before but this is on an epic scale. So after all his recent shoddy behaviour I suddenly get Mr devoted and lovely ... WTF???
He came home from his holiday and told me that he agrees his behaviour has been awful lately, that he has been massively disrespectful to me and plans to change. There have followed a ton of promises, together with doing all kinds of house jobs that would usually be regarded as "my work". I keep looking around for the cameras, it's like I'm being set up somehow!
I know it won't last but I wish I knew what has got him quite so panicky or what he's up to!!!

Nice advert, just need to set up the service now! I think it would do good business.

Hmm, bellatrix, maybe he's discovered you're on Mumsnet and rightly fears our evil influence. Or his brother or friend has given him a proper earful about the way he treats you, and he actually listened because it was a Male Person telling him. Enjoy the change, but don't be too shocked if it doesn't last. (I suppose there's a small chance he really has had a Damascene conversion, but don't hold your breath...)

All part of the cycle bellatrix as you say. Speaks volumes that their niceness makes us more nervous.
Its impossible to tell what is making him act this way as it will be completely his own agenda.
The fact that he has just come back from holiday is significant IMO - he has had time to build up the fantasy in his head that not only is he wonderful, but you are absolutely compliant and fitting in with his image of an ideal partner. Wait till reality sets in, he will not be able to sustain it, sadly. That or he will expect you to be suitably grateful

bellatrix
too early to call which way he is headed. So I should think about the little jobs you do want him to do ... don't overload but get a steady trickle going. Use the window of Dr Jekyll being at home to give yourself a break, gather strength and then you may be better prepared for when Mr Hyde comes back from his hols. There is that checklist in Lundy to see if he's really working on changing. If you want to look for results then do, otherwise use the breathing space to fine tune your escape route. Don't worry about him, do what you need for yourself and don't act overly grateful. Some of this stuff is probably normal for decent men to do every day.

I hope he hasn't discovered me on mumsnet or I'm in
BIG trouble!
The little jobs are only things like ironing, hanging out washing, dishwasher etc but then he did one today that really shocked me. We were heading out to a party and he told me to finish getting ready and he would get the DC dressed!!! I nearly fainted with that one, think it's the first time for 5 years. Admittedly their clothes were out waiting but still he actually zipped zips etc and took responsibility :-O
He has just ambushed me in kitchen though so I have had to wriggle away but rather than the usual EA I have been told how much he loves me, how perfect I am, how good I smell etc. All very odd!
The only thing I can think of that may have had some effect is last week I had to drop the DC to him to look after while he was out with friends as I had a counsellor appointment. Now it just so happened that it was a lovely day and I felt very happy and had a nice new outfit to wear and ... Most unusually for me I looked damn good. Cue his friends all asking where I was off to and lots of raised eyebrows. I told the truth, I was off to see a counsellor as our marriage was in a bad way. You could have heard a pin drop as I walked away! But I refuse to keep hiding this, I know he thinks I'm a "nutter" for seeing someone and he didn't want anyone to know but I don't care anymore!!!

Hey, may be you seeing the counsellor has given you a boost, sparkle in your eye ... but it's for you, not him. Forget where you are in escaping but enjoy the strength and purpose in your life. Whatever comes next, where you are at now shows that you are on the up. You can set boundaries now and see whether he respects them, gets the picture and makes some proper changes for the better. Keep going, it's harder to disrespect a strong woman and a strong woman knows what she wants and how to get there.

bellatrix, you told his friends THAT? ha ha hahahahahaha!

He's scared. your awakening has begun, he knows he's losing control of you! He's on best behaviour so you don't show him up any more and also to make sure that you don't get all the sympathy and attention and he ends up the bad guy!

I definitely do have a sparkle in my eyes these days because I have realised I don't have to take this crap forever. I am very near to throwing him out but haven't quite crossed that line yet. Mainly because he has told me how he will make me miserable every day for the rest of my life if I leave him ... and he isn't bothered how much he hurts the DC in the process :( So I have to weigh up my options carefully. But seeing a counsellor and reading on here has made me realise I do have options. Something I didn't even realise a few months ago!!!
Herhissyness - it was a wonderful moment. One of his friends asked why DH wasn't going with me and I made a joke about how that kind of thing was my job but he'd tried to delegate it to his secretary so she could go for him. DHs face was a picture :)

Twatbgone is excellent. There could be a whole string of them....
Is your twat trying to drown you in tea? WE have the answer....
Is your twat being unexpectedly pleasant? Call us immediately on...
Do you have a twat with selective memory loss? WE can help...
Need a twat proof exterior? We can give you the best. Ring now on....

My twat is also being horribly nice after a glitch this morning which thanks to your advice I didn't engage in. He even cleaned the entire kitchen after I cooked a roast today. He told me I looked tired and to go and rest. I asked no questions and skiddadled out.

For the kids' sake I am making an effort to be pleasant to him. I have to do this for them( thanks for that barbie. But of course I shall let him know regularly why I am 'complying'.

Off camping with dc's and a friend and her dc's for a few days.
My baby ds1(dc1) is 13 today. Bloody Nora how time flies.
Ds2 is much less clingy today too.

Have a good week and may the twatbgone force be with you all. Keep safe

hello everyone. Just back from being away and trying to catch up on the thread. Wanted to say a big congratulations to bigbuttons though for getting through that awful situations and for gaining more clarity and strength

And also yes yes YES MO please can I employ the services of twatbegone. I have no money but would happily donate a kidney/ a leg/lung/eye if you could deal with my problem quickly and effectively.

can anyone link to the thread about having EA parent?

Actually, it's not widely known but Twat-B-Gone operates on a sliding scale (my original film mentioned "competitive rates" ) which means that those big burly types and locksmiths (all thoroughly vetted and approved by myself) will in many cases not only pile into the TBG van for the price of a pint, but will all be nearby for the next couple of days just to make sure the client is safe.
They love their work, our crew

bejeezus there were some good links at the beginning of this thread. I found them really really useful. I have a narc mother and was EA as a child/teenager/young adult/older adult
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1033653-NPD-Abusive-partner-Recovery-thread/AllOnOnePage#25744992

Thank you as well for the kind words

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1262821-Support-thread-for-healing-from-childhood-EA :)

cheers bigbuttons
I dont have EA parents, thankfully. A few pages back, there was a discussion about how to protect your kids from the effects of the abusers behaviour [after you have seperated from them]. Someone mentioned a thread about having EA parents--is that the one?

I'll have a look see, thanks