Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

I feel for you Buttons, really do.
I forgot but do you have anyone in RL who can support you? And does your son have a good friend and whose mum/dad you can maybe have a chat with along lines of things aren't so good at home right now ... maybe they can provide a bit of fun distraction? It's really hard to deal with this yourself as well as help your DS.
But good for standing your ground. It's a bit like the tide coming in and knocking his sandcastle of entitlement down. He gradually gets less and less ground to stand on while you reset the boundaries. Good that he did get younger DCs dressed.

So he sent me another "button-pushing" text last night, telling me he missed me. I replied in kind (I dont miss him, I am just finding it full-on with DD at the moment)
So I bit, just to see what he would do. He said he was very busy. I responded. He said he had nothing else to do, and nothing meant much without me. This directly contradicts stuff he'd said earlier. What a surprise.
At that point I put the phone away and slept on it. Just so you know, I was not weakening (dont think so anyway )
Anyway in the morning it was clear. He is obviously finding it hard taking DD for 6-8 hours a week without the payoff of being able to control me.

Also there is nothing DD can tell him about me, so he doesn't see the point. Oh and he is a lazy twat and cant be arsed with the demands of a three year old for more than ooh, an hour.

Glad I bit now. Its getting even easier to see through him, even when I'm feeling lonely, tired and, well, vulnerable. Which is progress indeed (IYSWIM)

Btw, I'm processing the fact that the man I fell head over heels in love with didnt exist also. So with you there!

Buttons your arrangements are too involving. If he's taking them out you should have them ready and at the door, he can then go and there's not dispute. I know it's not fair that you have to do everything, but I think you need to minimise the opportunity for arguments/button-pushing by doing everything yourself, then letting him do the outings. Get dcs dressed and then get him to keep them for an extra hour or give them lunch or whatever.

I'm saying this partly because the conflict will be getting dcs confused and it's probably not necessary. I'm still with dp, but I remember with horror when I used to try and get him to help against his will and we all lost out. So now I don't expect anything from him and at least the DCs have a peaceful life.

Barbie I can see your point, but I wanted him to see that change was happening. He's very good at ignoring. If things just carried on then he would not think we were leaving.
I do see your point though about minimising impact on the children and it's something of course that I am keen to do.
My 11 year old is very clingy. He's been ill with a chest infection and I think is suffering post virally with that plus the strong ab's. He's also worried a little about starting sec school in September.
I told him I was here, I was his rock and he could hold tight to me for as long as he wanted and I would be there strong and steady, for all of us, no matter what life threw at us, we would all be alright. I would keep him safe and protect him. I asked him to trust me.

bigbuttons that made me want to cry. Your poor DS. He will already know that you are his rock, dont worry. x

Oh bigbuttons what a shitty situation. I completely understand the need to let him know things are going to change and that "you're on to him" but I second what Barbie says. I had a confrontation with H last week in which I let him know I was wise to his manipulation now but it left me feeling that I should wind my neck in for self-preservation measures and obviously for the sake of the DC. I posted about it. Two nights ago we had another confrontation but I just let him rant, I didn't really argue back as I don't see the point - you can't reason with someone who's never wrong. I was just smug in the knowledge that his points were just ticking all of Lundy's boxes and confirming I am doing the right thing in leaving. Six weeks to go. You will get there too.

I agree with the not rising to their BS, but tbh, there is a process to go through before you get there. If you adopt the path of least resistance too early, it's just straight forward compliance, which is what you used to do before you realised what was going on.

So give him a few, you are their dad, you pitch in comments, and say, that's what ALL normal dads do. Remind them constantly that others don't deal with this shit, because it's true. Say that you deserve more and will get more.

As for the I earn the money, you do the work business, does he apply that to Sex too? cos I believe that'd make him a PUNTER.

The nice cuppa tea, after the intimidation, the exchange you had before this and the putting you in your place, it's a bit mad isn't it. It's signs that you are rattling him, that he is panicking. He's never seen you like this before and has no idea how to handle you. All those years of stamping all over you, he has no idea who he is actually dealing with.

I wonder if this constant antagonism is all about attention? Like the naughty child getting attention from his busy parent?

Any attention is attention nonetheless?

What DO these men think when they realise how much we truly hate them? Do they ever realise? Do they care?

Basically he wants you back and knows he can't have you. So he's going to try and have you any which way. He's getting you involved, yes he is bb, and getting precisely what he wants. Remeber these men don't actually want a happy household with a smiling wife. They thrive on negative conflict. So you are feeding that by engaging.

You need to show him that there are no cracks, no little gaps his invasive roots can grow into, to leach your nutrients, take every amount of goodness from you until you crumble. Every time you let him in, he gains new strength and his roots will get deeper inside you.

So build yourself a solid wall with no cracks. Render it and smother it with layers of preservative. You don't need him to get the kids dressed or work out the finances. Remember that solid structure will make the kids feel safer too.

Disagree, he doesn't want you back, he wants CONTROL back again. he wants you under his thumb and beholden to his every word.

Well that Genie is well and truly out of the bottle, you can't ever go back to sucking it up for him and being told what to do think and say anymore, it'll never happen.

Agree with barbie, BE A WALL, don't let a glimmer of hope get thorough to him, cut his arguments off every single time, refuse to argue, refuse to engage. he doesn't want to care for his DC, fine, do it yourself, but make sure he knows that he is failing you and your DC by refusing to do his share and this is one of the HUGE number of reasons why you are ending the relationship, because YOU deserve better and so do your DC. A good stepdad will help them immensely in life.

If he kicks off at anything say "I can tell you are not able to have a rational adult conversation so I'll leave it there". Leave the room, go out, don't even tell him where you are going, leave the phone.

He shouts at you on the phone, hang up. Emails you a bunch of shite, just ignore and create a filter on the inbox to put all his emails straight into a filter marked TWAT.

zero tolerance, zero engagement, zero feeding his sad little ego

YOu ladies are just brilliant. I have been letting all your wonderful thoughts and advice sink in. It has made a huge difference to the way I have approached things today. Things are much calmer. I am 'talking' to him again but in a very neutral manner. I am doing it for the children.
hissy I shall memorise that last post and carry it round with me, bless you xxx

Firstly, I am sorry to intrude on this thread; I will keep it brief although my mind is swirling with so much to say and so much sympathy and support I would love to be articulate enough to convey.

My stomach is in knots having read this thread. I am so sorry for all that you are all are going through. You sound like amazing, strong women married to absolute demons. I strongly suspect that when you are in the eye of the storm, you probably do not necessarily feel particularly strong or amazing, as the demons try to drag you down to their level. But you are - You are all amazing strong women caught (NOT TRAPPED THOUGH) in the most awful of situations. But this is not the end of your stories.

bigbuttons - your situation sounds horrific. I can just imagine that the hassle that lies in front of you re. moving house and uprooting the children, scares the living hell out of you. Added to which, I bet you find yourself asking yourself... "do I have the energy?". YES YOU DO. Imgine this time in a year, living without that demon.

Not quite as brief as I promised, but I feel so much for you all.

Good luck and all the best (a little love thrown in too)

I agree with zero engagement strategy. ONLY began to get my sanity back when I stopped the cat and mouse game of him attacking, criticising and judging me and me defending and reasoning and justifying. This was AFTER I'd left the SOB as well!!

It's really hard the first fifty times you get called a selfish cold bitch to just no reply. You feel like a door mat. But actually you'll only EVER be free from the cat and mouse game if you STOP playing it. YOu can't change the rules and make him a nicer player.

Agree its all about attention. Our altercation two nights ago started with H suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed at about 1am and huffing. He sat there for a few minutes in silence. I ignored him. He got up to look out of the bedroom window. Every fibre of his being wanted me to say "what's wrong?", but I just turned over and continued to ignore him. He finally exploded and ranted that he's trying but I'm not and that I'm pushing his buttons. I refused to engage him except to say (calmly) that he and he alone is responsible for his actions (pertaining to his anger and how he expresses it). I could see that he wanted me to argue back so badly, presumably so he could shout me down, belittle me and tie me in verbal knots thus making himself feel better. When he finally realised he wasn't getting his own way he switched back to nice H. Twat.

God yes the switch from nasty to nice is shocking isn't it WTF????

bail you are very welcome here. Thank you for your kind words and advice. Would love to hear your story if you fancy sharing

bb - well spotted, it's alarming the switch of tactic. be a spectator in your sitauation. don't direct your life, narrate it. does that make sense? be detached to it all. Reading Lundy will help you spot the moves!

Let's play Psycho Bingo! Award points for the abusive traits!

So who can draw up a list of the stunts these twats pull and we'll allocate points to each one - see who scores the highest?

Double points if the twat is no longer in the home, cos we all acknoledge that when you have dumped them and they have gone, it's double the effort to make the same impact as those that live with you and have open access to the general fuckwittery.

bail! Gawd Bless Ya! Thanks for stopping by, stay as long as you wish, post as much as you wish.

As you can see ^ I'm not one for brevity and we are not paying per column inch so fill yer boots and post away!

I have to say you have come in from Lurkdom with a real BLINDER! It's so bloody obvious, but you really nailed one for us.

We are/were not TRAPPED, we are/were CAUGHT - targeted, snared, hooked and then systematically stripped of our rights and our freedom.

bail I salute you!

WDIM - Six weeks to go? That's fantastic, do you have a countdown calendar You really handled it well the other night - most of all, the being able to almost observe from the outside without engaging. I wish I could do that.

Hissy: Emails you a bunch of shite, just ignore and create a filter on the inbox to put all his emails straight into a filter marked TWAT. I love this! I've left but still getting the snotty emails, so have now created my twat-filter.

Garlic I really like the sound of hypnotherapy. Without having to go into the whole story with a hypnotherapist, what would I ask for?

Hello Bail :)

ThereGoes, I found myself smiling in the dark as I played my own game of Lundy bingo, crossing off each textbook tactic or excuse with a big imaginary dibber!

Ok Hissy, I'll have a go and start off with the one that was my last straw:

"letting me" go out with a friend but then punishing me on my return cos his afternoon didn't go as planned.

Hi bail

WDIM 6 weeks? Wow that's brilliant!!!!!!! You must be SOOOOOOO excited. I'm excited for you!!!!

Lundy bingo...... I think I've got a full house LOL LOL. How about " He shops you to the police for inadequate parenting of his children" or " He says he's recording all your conversations to prove that you are mad or " you ask him to help out in the house, he calls you lazy and says he earns the money, that's the deal"

Hmm bb, think you might win this one! Six weeks and counting. Excited doesn't even begin to cover it! Was shopping for home furnishings yesterday - me and my girls are going to have a very feminine pad.

oh bb, you win Psycho Bingo... it's true!

WDIM, watch for an increase in the use of tactics, be ready for them. At the moment, he still thinks that you will see sense and stop this larking about.

Morning all, loving the sass on here
I sat in front of my webcam and recorded an "advert" for Twat-B-Gone the other day [somewhat eccentric emoticom] I wish I could get a bunch of actors and a camera and do it for real. It was quite satisfying

TGTF (nice new name!) I don't think you can get away without telling anything, your therapist does after all need to know how best to access your psyche and what the problems are. You could maybe start with something like "I'm in an abusive relationship and am looking for support in getting out of it successfully. Can you help me build confidence, detach from my partner's power games and strengthen my independence?"

In your own words of course

MmeO, I bet your commercial's great! Any chance of a view?