What gives someone the right to tell someone else their partner's behaviour is 'appalling' and because of what they think you are wrong to try and work through it? You'd never say that to someone in RL.
Some of the weblinks are interesting but there's a weblink for everything, and there is a book out there for everyone to tell them what they want to hear. There are also plenty of weblinks for men to find out why their women are 'nuts', 'abusive' or 'lesbians'.
Personality disorders as far as I remember they are developed, often in older childhood as a defence mechanism? If this is the case it doesn't mean they are actually untreatable. So I'm not sure if it is a problem that they are 'bandied about' because it is likely that this the reason many men do become abusers and others become victims? It is as likely that women suffer personality disorders as much as men. A disorder can be re-ordered.
Bandying about autism and aspergers is a bit extreme I think though as these are not acquired behaviours and people with these disabilities have no ability to alter it, in which case the OP wouldn't have gone near them in the first place. You can't 'play down' aspergers - either you've got it or you haven't.
The reason I like the Beverly Engel book is that it alternates between 'he' and 'she'. This is hard to read but makes you think twice about your own behaviour, which although often justifiable, isn't always good.
The main reason I object to the leave-him-now posts is that it is dangerous to tell a woman to leave an abusive man. No social worker or anyone trained in DV or child protection would ever say that to a woman.