To be amazed at how little you all seem to put up with in a relationship?!

[Jazzicatz]

Everytime I come on here and read through this section, most of you very quickly jump in and say 'dump him'. Do you really dump someone for apparant trivialities or just saying it but would never do it yourself?

yes, I remember starsnstripes

didn't she later come back under a namechange ?

fuck me if I remember what it was though

I'd love to know how she's getting on.

I didn't leave someone for apparent 'trivialities', I put up with it for a long time and then once he'd completely worn me down with trivial crap he dumped me when I was pregnant. Probably I'd be better off, practically speaking, if I'd dumped him over 'trivial' things, don't you think?

I reckon so, WB

Of course you would and this thread again wasnt about that type of relationship!

But it is about "that sort" of relationship, Jazzi. You were calling this forum out for being overly judgemental on trivialities. Your replies have said, no, trivialities can be the tip of a big, scary iceberg; respondents have a dig around to see what's underneath. When a poster complains of trivialities and the relationship seems basically sound, nobody tells her to leave!

If something was really trivial, a poster would not bother to come on here and complain about it, now would they??? .

I've read posters complaining their partners put the toilet roll on the holder round the wrong way.

I didn't even know there was a wrong way.

in 'relationships'?? or 'chat'???

It makes a huge difference which forum people post on IMO

Great post MadamM

Sometimes when you are entrenched in a relationship, you loose sight of what is normal and what is not. This is a great place to explore and 'benchmark'. The MAJORITY of posters will objectively tell you when you are putting up with too much (AND when you are being petty about loo roll!)

Can you post a link to a thread where a poster has been advised to leave her partner for putting the loo roll on the wrong way round?

Mind you, it would be a cause for celebration if it happened at all in this house.

The loo roll one rings faint bells - think it was in AIBU a few months ago. May I point out that there are a few joke threads, for example the poster who was advised to dump her husband for repeatedly referring to her carefully prepared quiche as a flan. You can point to one of these but it won't actually prove anything other than that your irony detector needs new batteries!

There are joke threads about trivial things - I posted about DP making scrambled eggs wrong and was told to leave him immediately. But it was a joke, and that was immediately obvious to me at least.

If I saw someone posting about loo roll or eggs or something it would be obvious to me that that poster probably wasn't in an abusive relationship, because when the balance of power is skewed like that you just don't argue about things like that. It wouldn't be "I like the toilet roll facing out but DP always puts it facing in, he keeps turning it around, AIBU to turn it back?" because the reality would be, the toilet roll would be his way, it wouldn't be a slightly-annoying-but-amusing-battle, it would just be his way, even if it did annoy you. And he'd moan at you if you put it on your way, and you know if you argue back, it will go on for days.

I never would have argued about half of the trivial/petty things me and DP argue about with XP, because he was like a terrier, any argument he had to latch onto and worry away at it until he'd proved he could defeat me in any way possible. I had a tarot card reading once and the woman said to XP "Arguing is a sport to you. [Bertie] will argue her point if she feels it necessary. You do it for the sport." he disagreed (of course ) but actually she was spot on. This is another thing I didn't really notice until I left and then got into a normal relationship - we argue, we banter, he drives me mad sometimes with expressing the opposite view, but we both have an equal ground. I can say things without it being twisted to mean "I don't love you at all and I want to leave" - and it's basically fun and doesn't get dragged out for days.

Ignore me I didn't notice this was in Relationships-I don't normally venture in here.

The thing about trivialities (actual trivialities, not apparent trivialities that are really signs of something deeper going on) and what people are prepared to put up with is that there is no universal hierarchy of trivial-ness.

We'd all agree that putting the loo roll on the wrong way round is less important than never cleaning the bathroom, but there's room for debate over whether housework is more or less important than getting up in the night with children (ideally you'd have a partner who did a fair share of both).

Here is Reality's thread which looks like it would be good for you OP

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine Wed 04-Feb-09 08:00:20
I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Thank you Trillian - I have been trying to find that!

i agree with OP, i posted here once when my DH once did a knobbish, thoughtless, shitty thing..

i was told that he was fundamentally a knob and that there would never just be one incident and that i had no self-respect to be with such a knob etc etc.

got no help as to how to deal with the knobbish thing and move on... no acknowledgement that we have a strong 6 year relationship, that apparently means nothing if a DP/DH does one knobbish thing.

now i know it was knobbish, and selfish etc. but i'm not going to leave him over it, and the fact i've stayed does not mean i'm a doormat or being abused (in fact imo it belittles abuse to say that), i will never post in here again after that

oh, and when i said on the thread that it wasn't a symptom of something bigger and that he's not a bad man overall, and i wasn't going to leave him i was told that i was wasting everyone's time with a 'boring' thread

oh and just for the record the 'thing' i'm talking about did not involve infidelity, porn or abuse (physical or emotional).

You were told you were wasting everyone's time with a boring thread? That's awful. I hope that was just one poster, and not the whole thread saying that?

hope you are enjoying your straying into here

at bertiebotts

There is a tendency to ask men to leave , quite often on this forum. Quite how a man can be made to leave his own home, unless he is dangerously violent, is beyond me.

What we need to remember is that when people post here they are usually very emotional. We also just hear 1 side of the story. We never really know what is happening in their lives- we are just getting a very small glimpse of it.

I think there is also a tendency, far too often, for women to club together and see no good in the men, and develop a "Lord of the Flies mentality" calling for his blood.

Occasionally, when I have supported the guy, I have been villified, when all I have done is try to be objective and see the other side.

yes, there are times when women are being treated so badly they can't see the wood for the trees and need some harsh words to make them see reality.

But some of the time, especially where there are sexual problems, the chorus is often "dump him".

Only last week there was a post about a guy who was selfish in bed. The vast majority of posters suggested dumping him fast. As the post developed it transpired he had been beaten- physically- by his mother until he was 19, and he was still living with his mum.

It was obvious that the poor guy had a load of psychological issues that could be contributing to his sexual behaviour- and although I did post that he needed counselling and the OP did not have to feel it was her role to "sort him", the majority of posters told her to run like the wind, and completely sabotaged his character.

So yes, sometimes I think forums perpetuate a herd mentality where the quickest solution is often sen as " dump him fast".

But amelia, it's things like that that made me stay with my ex for ages. He couldn't help being insecure, because all his exes had cheated on him. He couldn't show affection, and got angry quickly, because he'd had a bad childhood. You don't have to feel you want to "fix" someone to put up with things you shouldn't, because you keep thinking "well it's not his fault", and while I agree it's not nice for the person who has been dumped, if they have such issues they probably aren't in a very good place for a relationship anyway. They should seek help for them themselves, first, which will lead to a happier relationship for both them and their future partner in the long run.

I wish we (as a society in general) could get away from this mindset of needing a relationship to be happy, and move more towards making yourself happy before entering into a relationship. Unfortunately the former seems to be the belief of the majority.

True Bertie.

Can i just say something about the 'trivial stuff'?
It depends how they are done and why and how they are effecting the other person. They are not always funny.

If it is done accidentally without thought and to a person who is in a good place then i agree it is not big deal.
But if it is done on purpuse, systematically in a calculating way and/or to a person who is going through tough time then thats abuse. A very creepy, nasty and harmful type of abuse.

It frustrates when people say 'apart from physical abuse'. There are no words to describe how powerful the emotional abuse is. And you cant even prove that it exists. I do say 'leave him asap' when i smell EA. And i can smell it from miles.