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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At what point should you stop blaming your parents for a shitty upbringing?

158 replies

DarlingDuck · 20/07/2011 20:00

I am curious about this. When does it become a persons own responsibility to take control of their lives or is it understanable for a difficult upbrining to negativly impact on a persons life throughout?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 22/07/2011 21:06

Yay, FCS! He's a lucky little boy Grin Bet you feel good.

ninah · 23/07/2011 00:26

jeez scf you have patience! there is no way I'd deal with a 4yo in my kitchen at 20 to 9! do you think you are trying so hard to give what you missed out on that you are actually being hard on yourself as a grown up?

garlicbutter · 23/07/2011 01:25

It's attitude, innit, ninah :) Kid has watery fun in kitchen, mum goes "eek, tsk, never mind, let's mop it up, you were helping" or mum goes "argh, what a nuisance, get outta here now, you made a mess I've got to clean up". Either way, the child will get a lesson about having to clean up mess and about the value of being helpful ...

Not saying everybody does it constructively all the time - does anybody? - but it's obvious which approach is constructive. I think it's a very worthwhile achievement for a mum, who was taught the "mess=wrong" way, to do things the "children get it wrong because they're learning" way.

ninah · 23/07/2011 01:28

yes, before the watershed ...i simply would not have the patience at that time in the evening and I think that is fair and understandable too
vive le difference

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 23/07/2011 02:08

Should really be going to bed 3 hours ago now, so I haven't read the tread yet, but this is a really interesting question, and one I've pondered for nearly half my life. When I was 13 I finally told of the (technically pretty mild) sexual abuse I'd faced from my uncle. It was understandably a messy time, I was in hospital due to self harm etc. I was fascinated by crime, reading about the more extreme things made me feel more normal. The idea that so many notorious killers had been severely abused was both scary and motivating. I needed to prove that I could do things differently. The name of an album I liked at the time by Staind, "Break the Cycle", was my motto. I had CBT which made an amazing difference, but I do still feel some blame. I get on well with my parents but there are some things I will never forget - mostly around their reaction (mum begging me not to prosecute etc).

DH was also abused, very very badly, sexually/physically/neglect, the works, by his mother. He went through alcoholism, and wound up blackmailed into marriage with an emotional (sometimes physical) abuser with whom he has 3 DCs. I am certain that if he'd not gone through such a terrible childhood he would've had the strength to walk away sooner (but then he wouldn't have his wonderful DCs - obviously this helps him remember "no regrets"). But now, he is fine. Despite the fact he's got a severe back injury (complicated by what his mother did to him, and he can't work now, he is only 43) he is an incredible husband and father. He works hard to make sure he doesn't end up like his mother.

Sorry I've really waffled. Blush

The one question that I am always asking myself is: when a person reaches a 'fork in the road', what determines which route they take? What makes one person think "I will not turn out like my parents/abusers" while another thinks "fuck it - I am destined to become an abuser myself"?

And with that thought I'm off to bed. Confused

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 23/07/2011 02:09

Oops - thread not tread. Must sleep now Blush

garlicbutter · 23/07/2011 02:26

Sweet dreams, Fuzz!

I don't think the fork in the road is a Y-junction, more of a crossroads. You can choose to walk straight ahead, looking neither right nor left, essentially choosing to ignore the other options and remain in denial. You can choose to take the angry/ blaming/ they-fucked-me-up-so-this-is-me road, and end up knowingly abusive. The other road goes to I-will-try-to-fix-it, but it hasn't got a signpost.

Sorry, that was overly allegorical. Posting anyway, blaming lateness & vodka Blush

SoCalledFeminist · 23/07/2011 09:10

ninah no - it's a rarity believe me Grin but you need those rare times when you get away with stuff and your mum is more relaxed than usual and lets you do things she'd normally be annoyed by i think.

what i give my son that i missed out on is a relationship. i never had that with my mother. we were strangers cast in roles, she never bothered to know me or let me know her, i was what she decided i was early on and that was fixed. so the only thing i'm determined to give him is a relationship iyswim, one where you actually bother to look into someone's eyes and see them and let them see you.

i like metaphors and analogies - the brain soaks them up easier i find.

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