At what point should you stop blaming your parents for a shitty upbringing?

[DarlingDuck]

I am curious about this. When does it become a persons own responsibility to take control of their lives or is it understanable for a difficult upbrining to negativly impact on a persons life throughout?

It is not offensive but it does imply that you can take control of your life. If you are mentally ill that may not be an option. Some of us are damaged for life and can't reverse it however hard we try. A very bad upbringing will affect brain development and emotional development.

We have all had things happen in life that are less than ideal, and in some cases, quite horrendous. Inevitably those early years experiences will have an influence.
There has to be an acceptance and a closure on matters, for peace of mind. It's about taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions and emotions, and saying for example (not my example however) "My parents beat me continuously through childhood. It was wrong and they failed me. It was not my fault. The scars are emotional and physical. However I am not going to repeat those same mistakes with my own children, nor am I going to carry those issues into every relationship I have, grinding down partners and friends alike."
It's about moving on and getting the most out of life for you, your partner and kids. Not forgetting or brushing under the carpet at all, but simply putting it all to rest so that you can have a happy life in control of yourself.

*Mizzy Tizzy" your "awakening" happened at an early age, so I guess you could say you had an awareness throughout your adult life why you were acting the way you were. Not everyone has that awakening at such an early age. With emotional abuse, it can be so subtle, you don't realise it's abuse. And I don't think the abuse stops just because you move home. It can carry on in actual fact (through continued contact with the abusers), or you just abuse yourself with the voices in your head repeating your parents' treatment.

Perhaps for many, the awakening does not happen, not for many years. In the intervening period, you don't know you are acting or reacting wrongly, you are just being who you are. So, I'm not sure everyone can consciously recognise their behaviour or reactions are a result of X Y Z treatment in childhood, and move on from it so easily. You think you yourself are a flawed/bad/unworthy/disgusting person and that bad things happen to you because that's who you are.

I think you simply cannot help the fact that an abusive upbringing is bound to form your personaility as an adult, it is very difficult to move on from a behaviour which is intrinsically you.

No there is not point just constantly blaming my mum and my gran, that way madness lies, but the reason that I am teh way I am is linked to the way they have treated me.

I can't imagine I will change - the low self esteem, manic obsession with cleanliness and aloofness is part of me really.

The thing which has concerned me most is the necessity to having to BREAK THE CHAIN, and not do the same to my own daughter. And I hope I have succeeded, but quite possibly I have been a rubbish mother in a myriad of other ways.

One good thing though - everything I have achieved is from my own hard work. I wasn't supported, so had to support myself. So that makes me grudgingly proud of myself.

And, things have got better since I stopped speaking to my mother. Not having to physically have to confont the past by speaking and seeing her on a regular basis has been immeasurably helpful. I never have to see her again, and I never have to go to my own town again, which is like a weight has lifted.

Dunno; I've only just (past couple of years) started to realise in exactly what ways my parents fucked me up, and to relate it to the ways in which I fuck up my life now. Give me a couple more years and I might be able to start thinking about not blaming them.

Well, if you don't work on putting it to rest in your own mind, however long it takes, then whatever happened will just rule you all your days, blighting everything.
It's not about forgiving and forgetting, but knowing that you yourself can be the major influence in your own life. Or succumb to it all and be miserable.

home town, I meant to say, not own town.

sellcrazysomeplaceelse

I agree...I do believe I was lucky in many ways for 'awakening' early.

..and yes the abuse can still happen (and did in my case) even though you leave home.

I've spent the last 30 odd years trying to repair the child/parent relationship though, therefore leaving myself 'open' for more EA abuse...I was the eternal optimist that maybe one day if I tried hard enough they would 'get it'.

They haven't and I don't think they ever will.

This is why I am finally no contact...the ultimate act of taking responsibility for myself imo.

Well, if you don't work on putting it to rest in your own mind, however long it takes, then whatever happened will just rule you all your days, blighting everything.
It's not about forgiving and forgetting, but knowing that you yourself can be the major influence in your own life. Or succumb to it all and be miserable.

Gay40 , I don't see anyone here saying they do anything but that , once they recognise the problem in the first place.

But the first step to "putting your mind at rest" when you realise you have been abused is recognising that you yourself are not to blame for the abuse you suffered (by reason of being stupid/evil/ugly/looking too much like your grandmother or whatever loopy reasons were given for your abuse). So the blame that you hold inside you has to be reallocated to its rightful owner. I don't think that's unhealthy.

This is why I am finally no contact...the ultimate act of taking responsibility for myself imo

Absolutely, Mizzy Tizzy , me too. But actually, I think this lies at the heart of the "get over it" brigade argument. Their sub context: "How dare you deny me access to my grandchildren. How dare you be so ungrateful as to refuse to provide me with comfort and companionship in my dotage. After everything I have done for you. I gave you life, you owe me."

Hence "work on" and not the completely unrealistic notion of "waking up one day"

sellcrazysomeplaceelse

Ah now, this is where I will be in conflict with a lot of people who have been/are going through this stuff - the subject of 'owing' my parents...

I have always known as have my siblings that I/we were never wanted, were an inconvenience and stole my parents freedom.

There is a reason for us being born and indeed for my parents ever getting married...it is NOT a marriage of love...it was one that served a particular purpose.

So, I figure I paid my dues just by being born.

I agree with GetOrf, FAB and a few other people.

Yes, my childhood was fucked. Yes it has had a major impact on me. I will probably never sleep right. I will always have moments with my children where I have no idea how to react, because I don't have anyone to model my reaction on.

But the fact that I am here, I am alive, that I take absolute responsibility for my actions, including apologising to my toddler/husband/friends if I feel my temper got away with me, that I behave responsibly and have a fantastic functioning relationship with my husband...

Those are all ME.

And no one else gets credit for those.

I really don't know the answer.

My experience is that my mother was quite fucked up, very young and selfish. I was neglected physically and emotionally. My father made up for that by being the parent I needed.

I get on well with all of my family. People make mistakes, I know my mother had grown up alot and would not starve or leave her children now.

My sister had a slightly different experience (not better or worse, just different) and will blame het upbringing.

I feel that things happen for a reason and it has made me the person I am today.

I took "blame" to mean: putting responsibility on the abuser, not the victim.

It is common for victims to feel that somehow they are to blame for what is happening ot them, particularly children, they feel they must be at fault or be "bad" to have this abuse meted out to them. A big step forward for me was to say "my grandmother is horrible to me, not because I am a horrible person, but because SHE has a deep seated need to be nasty to other people, in fact, she is nasty to the entire family."
This is the point where you can detach from the abuse and feelings of inadequacy when you see that the other person is responsible for what they did, and you as the victim can do something to move away. Unfortunately you still have those dreadful experiences to deal with, but I think that acknowledging the culpability of the abuser and recognising you are not intrinsically a bad person is important in moving forwards and building a life for yourself.
I do not forgive my grandmother, she showed no remorse, she always thought she was right, she never apologised to anyone. Now, if I meet anyone like her, I know to walk away and not engage, to not get sucked into that stuff.

Yes abuse can change the way your brain processes things and for some that can lead to mental illness. The only way they can get out of that is with some serious therapy. In fact I think all of us have probably sought therapy at one time to try to understand what happened to us, because understanding is the key to accepting.

Mental illness is just that, an illness that needs medicine and treatment before you can even begin to think about the future.

For the rest of us, we may be mentally scarred but I think everyone on this thread is aware how their childhoods have affected their behaviour and have been very careful not to let that leak out onto their parenting skills. It can be difficult not to however, I'm a shouty person and sometimes I can actually hear my own mother in my voice. But we are none of us perfect and I will take time out to apologise to my children which is something she never did. We all make mistakes and we cannot spend our lives attributing those mistakes to our childhood.

A large part of this is not only accepting our childhoods but also accepting ourselves as people in our own right. We are not like our parents or we would not be on here. We are bigger and better than them and we need to hold onto that. There are shouty parents who have never been screamed at, there are neglectful mums who were never neglected, there are even abusers who were never abused. Not every ounce of our personality comes from our childhood. If we cannot love who we are, then we cannot move on from who we were.

Does anyone else self-medicate to get past the feelings?

I've had loads of therapy, but still can't get past the feeling of prefering to be a bit 'out of it' than living in the raw reality.

This is an excellent thread, I'm finding it very helpful.

I am very angry at my parents for their (ongoing) emotional abuse. I see a therapist weekly and this is helping more than I can say. I have also cut down contact with my parents and have started contacting them when I want to, rather than when I feel I am expected to. They will never admit responsibility and I'm working on accepting this.

A previous poster mentioned the issue of 'owing' your parents something. This is an issue I really struggle with because they did a lot of very good things for me and my siblings - plenty of food, warmth, clothes, holidays, attention, affection, paid for university and living expenses etc. I feel that in this respect they were 'good' parents and I'm very aware of opportunities that I have had in life because of their sacrifices.

However, I don't know how to balance that with the shitty stuff. I'm not a parent myself and have no desire to be one so I don't know how it feels from the other side IYSWIM. Is all of the above just stuff that parents should be expected to do for their children? Is it basic part and parcel of being a parent? Or is it something that counterbalances the emotional abuse? I hope I'm making sense because I would really value people's thoughts. Thanks

DrunkenDaisy, yes I do. I love being drunk, it feels like a temporary escape from RL. I am in control of my drinking now but I haven't always been. As I get older, I'm learning that I hate hangovers way more than I love being drunk, so I'm cutting down, but still do drink too much on occasion.

JosieRosie, it's easy to provide children with practical things such as a roof over their heads, food in their belly and clothes on their back but children need emotional love and affection in order to grow spiritually and as a person. If emotional support is lacking then how can that child feel loved? Or even learn to love themselves? If a parent blames you for ruining their lives or has unrealistic expectations of you or tells you every day that you are a disappointment to them then that is just as abusive as physical and sexual abuse. It's all very very damaging and whilst external scars heal, mental ones never do because they take away our self-worth, our ability to be loved and to love.

drunkendaisy - alcohol. Although I keep trying to cut back. I don't drink a lot, I have a beer on a Wednesday, a few more on Friday, a bottle of wine on Sat and beers on Sunday, so not an alcoholic but I do drink more than is good for me.

DrunkenDaisy

I'm a smoker (30+ years) and do think for me it is a form of self medication...if I try to give up the sense of gloom (depression?) is over powering.

Well my parents gave me a lot in terms of money and education and 'things'.

But what they took away from me by the regular beatings and constant criticism definitely outweighs all that.

I am a parent, and whilst I might not be able to afford my daughter's school skiing trip, she is definitely a lot happier and self-confident, than I was until I got to about 35.