At what point should you stop blaming your parents for a shitty upbringing?

[DarlingDuck]

I am curious about this. When does it become a persons own responsibility to take control of their lives or is it understanable for a difficult upbrining to negativly impact on a persons life throughout?

er, sorry, for 'thread' read 'post'

LemonDifficult - Another good point. Yes I do feel jealous of other peoples upbringings but comparing yourself to others is never a good thing so I do try not to do it

I find it interesting how it effects people differently and how 'well' DH has coped in realtion to me.

I do try to disengage my anger and usually suceed but it bubbles below the surface, which is why I ask at what point poeple tend to stop 'blaming' although perhaps that should be 'feeling angry' rather than 'blaming'.

My parents left me to cry as a baby (regularly and for long periods, not CIO), and criticised me non-stop as a child/adolescent.

I have really low esteem, probably as a direct result, which has plagued me all my life. There have been several studies recently proving a link with being left to cry and depression in adult life.

So yes you can take control of your life and take steps to put it behind you, but YABU if you think you can just brush it off and not be affected by it.

(and my mum still maintains they "did their best" )

I agree with those who've already said you have to do the blaming to get to the next part.

People who grew up in 'normal' families often miss the fact that your childhood is what creates you. When you realise your family wasn't 'normal', you can't suddenly become a person like those others, because you simply lack the foundation for it. You can't go back and get another childhood, you're already the individual your family created.

Getting "past" it is an incredibly slow, arduous process and I don't actually blame people who decide not to bother (including my own parents!) I observed and mimicked people who had 'normality' as far as possible. But the underlying values, which lead people to do the 'normal' stuff without thinking, are a whole different game. I think I'll be doing well if I've learned more than half of it before I die. By way of example, I'd never experienced tenderness until I went to hospital - in my forties. Having not known it, I didn't know I was missing it. I didn't know how to give it, obviously, and had to realise that what I thought I'd been offering as tenderness wasn't, in fact, the real deal. I think a lot of mothers here may have realised something similar when they had their babies.

So, yeah, the thought process, in my case, went something like: I'm a bit odd => because my parents were incompetent => so it's their fault => the BASTARDS, look what they've lumbered me with! => er, well I can't go through life feeling like this, what shall I do about it => therapy, therapy => OK, no sense in hating them for it, they're weird and it's my bad luck => more therapy => and here I am, still learning.

Blame? Yes, because it is their fault. But I haven't got a time machine, and all parents do the best they know, even if that best is worse than useless. (It's basically the same for people who grew up caring for an incapacitated parent.) So I'll settle for regret, and get on with fixing the damage.

I didn't read your other thread. Hope I've managed to make a bit of sense.

I think the point comes in realising yes, you may have had a shitty upbringing, and maybe less than others, or more....

(of course, I am not excusing parents who mentally, emotionally, or sexually abused you....).

The thing is, my release came in seeing they were doing what they thought was best for me (even if that didn't coincide with my idea of it).

Counselling etc. helped to get to this point.

I had to understand where they were coming from (upbringing, generation, conditioning, etc.) to forgive them,"for they know not what they do".

Bless them, for they gave you life. And a chance to work it out for yourself..

The release is the best gift you can give yourself, really, in order to move on with your life.

Robert Schwartz's "Your Soul's Plan" is a great help too. Really!

I don't think it is quite as simple as somehow letting go of the shitty childhood and taking an active decision to move on.

Because if it really was that simple, so so many of us would do.

It is like my social anxieties as a result of bullying, I would love to stride confidently into a room of my peers and handle myself well. And in my mind I try. But the anxiety sets in despite myself, I can shake and feel nauseus, have hot sweats and just absolutely need to get out of the room. I am getting better, with therapy and AD's, and I am not, and do not spend much time blaming my past or using it as an 'excuse'. It just bloody is.

Likewise with my Dad, the tools they give you are the tools you grow up with for dealing with life, so if they gave you shitty tools, changing is so so hard.

I have had two conversations with my Dad over the past week that have made me feel so so small and impotent. I am 41.

In answer to your OP, I think it is totally understandable that it impacts on an individuals life, I would wish anyone, the strength and support to reach a point where with support they can fix as much as possible of what is broken but the legacy of a traumatic childhood does shape who we are,just as the legacy of a positive childhood generally shapes us to be more balanced.

Fab ((( ))) xx

Can I just give awomancalledhorse a big unmumsnetty hug. DH sounds fab and you both sound so together!

For me there was a point where I realised that I am happy with who I am and I wouldn't be me without the shitty upbringing an the impact it's had on me. That doesn't mean that I've been able to get past all the anger or even forgive all of it but I am accepting of the past, and understand how it still affects me.

I probably didn't reach that place until I was in my late 30s and had also had three years of therapy (although I feel that had mixed success tbh).

Ofcourse your upbringing impacts on the person you become , which in turn influences the choices you make in life. But to 'get over' a shitty upbringing things need to be faced head on..... and then put to bed if you are lucky enough. Many of us feel we had a hard time with shitty parents and quite justifiably, but I am always humbled when I realise that there will always be others who had it so much worse.......

shineything - absolutely

it helps to realise that being angry is like taking poison and wishing the other person would die.

It's not what happens to you that is important, it's what you decide to think about it that shapes your life. EG my story could be: 'I am a victim of childhood SA', or it can be 'I am a survivor of childhood SA'. I can say 'it was the worst thing that happened in my life'. Or I can say 'it was a fundamental part of setting me on my journey of life'. I can celebrate where I am, because of, not despite my history if I chose the second option. DYSWIM? You are the only one living inside your head, so write your own story.

The script can read 'my shitty parents made me feel X, and X is just how I feel.' or it can read, 'I feel great today, despite any challenges, because the challenges were a big part of the journey towards all the great things in my life - DP, DC's etc.'

its not something you just wake up and do - recovery in this sense is a process, not an event. I started with gratitude for what I have (literally, I write down ten things daily I am grateful for!) cos once you deliberately focus on the good things, there's way less energy left over to feel bad. Good luck!

silly you're not silly!! I agree with you. Life is way too short ; recovery is realising that you are not that child anymore and will never have to go through whatever it was again. Grab a brighter future for yourself.

Thanks samels001, in a mumsnetty way I'll accept it. Begrudgingly
I'll share it with the rest of the thread.
DH & his family have really helped me understand what is normal behaviour (finally remembered a better example than toothbrushing!); I told my mum when I was 7 or 8 that her boyfriend of the time made me uncomfortable with how he interacted with me/tucked me in at night (if you get my drift)and she explained that I was just jealous of her having a boyfriend & it was my fault....I shrugged that off as normal & when I got 'properly' sexually attacked a few years later I didn't bother telling anyone as I thought it was my fault. I'd never mentioned this again, as to me it was no big deal but I told DH about it (we were watching a crime show where a kid got abused in the park or something...and I had a bit of a lightbulb moment) & he was stunned.

suburbophobe I'm glad you managed to find a release!

garlicbutter makes the point I was trying to make, but with better wording!

Mitzy, I'm glad with therapy & AD's you're getting better! I'm sorry your Dad still makes you feel that way.

Being nosy, has anyone managed to have a good-great relationship with their parents as they've grown up/left home etc?
I don't talk to mine & I'm really positive about it (although not looking forward to explaining to children why they have no grandparents on my side).

The positive lists are a useful tool, swm :) I've done - and still do - lists of things I'm good at, of my better qualities, of 'blessings' (things to be grateful for), lists of what I like, of hopes, of dreams, of plans.

It's got quite a bit to do with shaping an identity. Plus, if your synapses were mostly formed in a negative environment, it's very healthy for your brain to feed it lots of positives :)

I didn't think I had a shitty upbringing, and in very many ways didn't - but it wasn't ideal either, but I'm not going into why etc.
I had many many very angry years and finally had a bit of a light bulb moment when I realised I was only hurting myself. It's still there but mostly under control.
Yet, since becoming a parent, more of the memories have surfaced and it has really made me question some of the decisions made by my parents, and whilst I sympathise with them (they were very young etc) I really can't identify with their choices.
So in answer to your post OP, I think once you get to the position of taking responsibility for your own happiness you get some peace, but should not take it for granted as the things that have made you like that never quite go away completely. That's how it is for me anyway.

awomancalledhorse you could always tell your dcs that their grandparents are dead - sounds harsh but it does the job

I think some of the 'pick yourself up and dust yourself down' messages are harmful in their own way, precisely because they don't acknowledge the 'tools' thing (great metaphor btw), and it all becomes part of the 'we can all acheive greatness if we only try hard enough, and if you can't, well you're just not trying hard enough' ethos which pervades everything these days (feckless, wallowing, sense of entitlement, self indulgent, yadda yadda, you hear it all the time). I agree with Fabby on this.

Thanks, awomancalledhorse.

I have an 'adequate' relationship with my mother. She's getting old quickly, I don't want to be responsible for adding a burden to her, and I worked through some very tricky minefields - invaluably supported by Mumsnet. Thanks again, everybody!

I let her think I'm "over it". I've said my stuff, she heard what she was able to, I can't see any point in pushing it further. I have very few feelings about her death, when it comes. She knows I won't care for her if she needs care.

Dad went through a strange phase of revealing his inner self to me over the few years before he died. He's a source of my understanding about sociopaths so I'm grateful for that now. I was chosen to speak at his funeral - mine was not a flattering memorial.

I don't see anything wrong with cutting all contact but have some doubts about telling DC their grandparents are dead, if they're not. It means building a lie into your family and it's obvious why I don't fancy that idea. I know some people have told their kids their parents weren't nice, in varying degrees of detail. It has to be a personal decision, though - I wouldn't dream of saying I know what's best for someone else's family!

FabbyChic - you are wrong to suggest the OP's tile was offensive. How is it? Surely everyone has to become their own person at some point?

I don't mind saying this on here as nobody knows me, but I was sexually abused by my alcoholic mother. Will never, ever do anything about this as I've only faced it in the last five years or so. In the meantime my mother has advanced to a very high position in the field in which I work. Many, many reasons not to do anything about it. And I never would.

I don't use it to excuse bad behaviour, though. At ther age of 14 I looked up alcoholism and depression and knew what mum was going through. I fucking hated her..... but sorry, everyone needs to get over it ar some point.

I think that anyone 'should' stop blaming when, and only when, they've managed to grow beyond it, and heal. Anything else lets them (the parents) off the hook, probably undeservedly. By blaming, I don't mean bearing a grudge, just laying the reponsibility where it should be, and not shouldering it yourself (or 'oneself') needlessly.

To my mind, it's a bit like forgiving someone when they have shown no remorse - something our local vicar wrote was very very harmful to the wronged person.

I will never be able to forgive my own mother - she's shown absolutely no remorse towards me, my dh, her sister, or my df. I don't wish her any harm, I feel a great deal of compassion towards someone as damaged as she undoubtedly is. Just wish to God that she hadn't been my mother iyswim.

Problem is shiney- you can't really tell your children their GPs are dead- it puts you in the wrong lying to your own children.

Awomancalledhorse No, like you I do not talk to mine and most of the time I'm quite positive about it (currently pregnant and feeling the pull of telling them).

As for telling the kids...so far I've kept it quite clinical - we've done a family tree/map so my eldest (6) knows they're there and that they live far away. He's had no interest other than Mummy lived there and now lives. They're quite happy with the Grandma and Zaide they have and know no different. I expect deeper and more difficult talks when they are older, and I fully intend to explain the family history of addiction to them at least, for their own knowledge as well as to know why I don't drink.

I agree with yellowvan and Fabby though - I think the 'just put it behind you' mindset doesn't really see how shitty things can get and what that does to someone's perception of the world around them, especially when it goes beyond the parents into the whole network around the family, including professionals. I also don't think people realize that you can live with all that and still take responsibility for your own actions. There is this continuing rhetoric that you get past it, put it behind you, then you can become a proper responsible adult and if you don't get past it, you're a blaming dribbly mess. I am responsible for myself, for my own actions in adulthood and for my family, and I can do all that while I have nightmares about my parents multiple times a week, not having any relationship with them, and fully admitting that my horrible childhood will always effect me just like my husband's dream childhood will always effect him.

A shitty upbringing is a massive disadvantage in life, no question. Nothing can compensate for that. An implicit suggestion that it is possible to just rise above it and 'beat' it denys the shat-upon their reality, and their voice.

Yes, the "should just get over it" school of thought is yet another way of telling us to shut up, it doesn't hurt, stop whining, nobody's listening. Had enough of that already, thanks, and people think they're helping?

God, I hope that didn't trigger anyone.

I don't think anyone here has said that people from a damaging background should just put it all behind them, but I think that there is a recognition that it is possible(although often not without help) for them to overcome some of the obstacles that they face.

It is a long and painful process, it involves recognising the damage done and more than blaming the parents, accepting that it was not their fault. Often adults find the blaming the parents bit easy, it is accepting that the way they were treated was not their fault that they find difficult. The feeling that it was their fault, or there must have been something wrong with them to make their parents behave that way is extremely difficult to overcome and is often the root cause of poor decision making and lifestyle in adulthood.

You do not get past it, you do not put it behind you, you accept it and you accept that it was not your fault and then you work on learning to love and value yourself. It is not quick, nor is it easy, but it is possible.

And just as a footnote, most damaging parents were damaged as kids by their parents.