In thinking my dh orally raped me?

[MsZ]

I was giving my dh a bj last night. I wanted to just come up for a breather (as you do!) and he pushed my head back down. Not a big deal, normally just his way of saying no don't stop now i'm nearly there

However i really needed to stop for a second and tried to lift my head again, quite hard to make it clear i wanted to stop. He forcibly held it down and i tried again pushing even harder but he still held me down :(

I then threw up all over him.

I know what he's done, so really i don't know why i am asking. I'm just numb. We've been together 10 years and he has never done anything like this or disrespected me in this way. Why now? I don't want to speak to any of my friends i feel so ashamed that i let him do this to me and that i don't have the guts to leave.

He know's what hes done too. Ive had begging texts and emails off him all night saying how sorry he is and how he can't believe he violated me.

I guess i just needed to tell someone, anyone, to get it off my chest.

Squeaky, we have held opposing views since page one of this thread. I would not and do not expect or demand that you agree with me. Feel free to slate me for not agreeing with you, however.

MsZ, you sound strong and wise. Please remember that now is not the time to be thinking about why you did or didn't do certain things. It is very common for victims to be blamed for not leaving, objecting, resisting etc... You did NOTHING WRONG. He did.

I dont think its a police matter to be honest

i would just say to him I wasnt at all happy about what happened last nite, and if it happens again, it will be over

MsZ I think you do need some time to come to terms with what has happened, you are coping remarkably well under the circumstances but I do think you need some real life support too.

Would you consider calling Rape Crisis for example?

Your DH needs to move out for a while and to stop bombarding you with texts and emails (if he still is). You have no responsibility to help him feel better about what he has done so right now his apologies are not relevant and he shouldn't be pushing for you to forgive and forget etc.

The school holidays are almost here, could you and the kids get away to family or friends for a week or two to give you some space out of the situation?

Given the catalogue of other issues in the relationship I struggle to see a way back from this one.

Is anyone else thinking that this may have been premeditated? Maybe or maybe not through porn the ops dh has developed a fantasy of orally raping a woman to the extent ofbeing vomitted on. This is a scenario the op has to consider.
Op-have you considered reporting him?
Regardless of where this leads i think you should cont!ct rape crisis and womens aid. You could get housed with them if you want to get o7t.

Good luck MsZ in whatever you decide. There is no rush though. You obviously need some space and it's only right that he gives you that by staying elsewhere.

Please get some help for yourself, you really need it. And for the sake of your LO's. My heart goes out to you in getting through this. I cannot imagine how I would start to approach this all. But there are lots of people out there who can help. Just don't rush any decision. Big hugs to you, wish I could do more.

Oohjar- how is this CRIME not a police matter? Omg!

bombarding you with texts and emails is another way of keeping the pressure up so that you give in and accept his apology. If he had any respect for you he would offer to leave for a while and give you a little space to think.

The childish reaction of "oh well we'll never have sex again then so long as I can keep you" is also very selfish and demonstrates that he hasn't reached any level of maturity. He no doubt blames his childhood for everything and I wouldn't be surprised if that's not his excuse for this latest incident. It's just a way of taking the blame from themselves and attaching it to something else and it's also a great way of making you feel guilty.

I wish you would post back MsZ to say that you've told him to pack his bags for a while but I'm not holding my breath.

You know, I started off quite liberal, just taking the post at face value and thinking it may have been a one-off. Now with all the others things he's done I find myself veering towards the posters who are telling you to report him to the police and pack his bags for him.

If you don't do something now MsZ, what will the next incident be? Because don't kid yourself that this will never happen again.

Maybe or maybe not through porn the ops dh has developed a fantasy of orally raping a woman to the extent ofbeing vomitted on. This is a scenario the op has to consider

I really dont believe I am reading the posts of sane women on here at times...

Do you seriously think posts like that are going to be of any help to the OP???

You definately need space from him and from each other.

If you are both in agreement that his problems stem from his childhood abuse then that is what he needs to get help with, there is no way that this relationship should continue otherwise. People can carry on 'normally' for years, ignoring the past and then suddenly come crashing down.

Someone with a childhood abuse background should not be using porn (i am not getting into a porn debate) in the way that he is, it is unhealthy and dangerous.

If you are going to go to the police make sure that you have support, possibly froma rape crisis organisation, as the process is exhausting and very tough going, not to put you off but you are in a very vunerable state, understandably.

Is anyone else thinking that this may have been premeditated? Maybe or maybe not through porn the ops dh has developed a fantasy of orally raping a woman to the extent ofbeing vomitted on

No

MsZ, what a horrible horrible thing to have done to you. I think you really should ask him to find somewhere else to stay for a while so that you can get space to think. Right now that must surely be best so that you can look after yourself and your dc. Don't even bother thinking about going anywhere, you've got the children and you should stay in the house.

Get some councelling for yourself while he is away, at least call some charities with councelling by phone so you can talk things through with someone objective and professional.

By the way this expression of intent he has made of having councelling sounds quite vauge. Has he made enquiries through his GP, is he on a waiting list for a local psychoterapist or has he made an appointment privately yet? Or is it actually just talk so far. As in justifying/explaining bad behaviour and then promising to get help so he'll be better (to you or towards the children). If its so far just been talk then I think that tells you a lot of his actual intentions of getting help. A simple google search gave me this: www.respect.uk.net/pages/what-type-of-help-is-available-for-men-who-are-abusive.html so it wouldn't be particularly hard for him to get help if he really wanted too. I realise he might be seeking help for other things than just abusive behaviour though after your experience I think that would be a good place to start! Point being obviously that it's not difficult finding professional help (if you really want it that is).

Stay strong and keep your head high.

MsZ. Rhubarb speaks a lot of sense here.

I do think that if you allow this man back into your home you are sending yourself the message that you're not worthy of more.

ohjar, rape is a crime.

Is anyone else thinking that this may have been premeditated? Maybe or maybe not through porn the ops dh has developed a fantasy of orally raping a woman to the extent ofbeing vomitted on

No.

This disgraceful suggestion seriously makes me wonder at the sanity of anyone who could come up with it.

Op i think that him saying that you don't have to have sex again is him not seeing sex as a normal part of a loving relationship.

That is not uncommon in someone from an abused background, he should be looking for help to change that. He has a very distorted view of sex, do not continue with this relationship without him commiting to getting help.

I agree with rhubarb and crapo in worrying about what he'd do next time if you took him back, it is a terrifying thought. And from what you've said so far it isn't a one of OP, I am really worried for you. You are being so strong for managing to discuss this all on with us, I hope it's helping in some way.

For all the 'this is what I would have done posters' this is her husband the man who she loves, who says he loves her, who has been with her through 3 children, who she sleeps next to, who previous to this has not (I am assuming from your post) given her any reason to fear him. Her husband. In my world that means someone you can rely on totally to always look after you.

Bloody hell, I am big and strong and work out and do martial arts and I am pretty confident in how I would react with a stranger, but if my husband did this to me I would just be so shocked and so afraid that I just don't know what I would do. It would break my heart.

Getting carried away is maybe an initial push back to your head if you pull up. Foricbly holding someone down on your lap while they struggle and try to get up is just vile vile vile.

He has cheated, he has been addicted to porn and now he has raped her, what does he have to do before some women think he is the one in the wrong here?

OP I understand your reasons for not leaving, but I just don't see how you can stay.

Can i just point out that the OP is feeling shocked and vunerable, she isn't strong enough to yet be told to go to the police, that can come later.

Just to say that they will ask background information and the OP has to then decide how honest that she will be (i have sat in on these interviews), she needs support first.

Just cannot believe what some posters are saying. Bast is spot on.

But then, the people disagreeing with Bast most vociferously are the usual porn apologists, so no surprise there.

I hope you find the strength to leave this man, OP.

Good post SAF

Thinking of you OP.

msZ you say bad stuff only happened in past 2 years - it may be that if you actually look back you will remember incidents/events/small things that went on all the way along..... in counselling after leaving my now exP i remembered/realised many many incidents i had pushed to back of my mind... controlling, abusive incidents...

with 3 children you have probably been far too busy with them to maybe recall incidents - which came prior to the past 2 years. he has disrepected you in many ways in past 2 years - and if you think back you may recall more...

or, literally everythign was absolutely fantastic - and something flipped,?? 2 years ago... ?? what?? and he really needs serious help - but you can ask him to sort that stuff out away from you and DC.

take time out, go talk to someone yourself and let him sort himself out...

I am so very sorry that you have experienced this,

My lovely sister was married to a man who was addicted to porn, he had 4 years of therapy. I am very sad to say that what he learned was how to lie about what he is up to, his counsellor thought he had done so well he was asked to mentor others going through the process!
He isn't able to change because he doesn't really want to (in his heart not through the words he is saying) they are divorced now, he has a new wife and my sister has a lovely new partner.

It has to be said that I am sure some people do kick addictions but I think stuff to do with sex is very hard as if you are in a marriage it isn't about never doing it again, it is about relearning respect and boundaries and human emotions.

If you trust that he is going to put his whole heart into changing then I still feel that he should make those changes whilst not in your marrital bed (whether he moves out or not I don;t know).

Good luck, remember when you are considering pro#s and cons of staying together what kind of role model is he for your children?