Had meeting with DV woman today.

[Lemmingswife]

Met up with her at my HV's house.
Session was tough & I had to go through everything that went on at home.
DV officer was shocked & terms it as serious emotional abuse.
Told me a little about my rights regarding the house & has advised me to make photocopies of all personal stuff, like childrens birth certificates, mortgage details, marraige certificate etc.
HV is really starting to get other bits moving.
Very scary.

No I know he won't change - he never has in the past. I am just a bit mixed up ATM.

I know it must feel very unreal, knowing that you've got all these momentous decisions to make whilst going about your business amongst people who haven't a clue.

That is the problem, dinosaur & the reason I am struggling with it all right now.

How are DS1 and DS2 atm?

They are fine thanks. All recovered from their tummy upsets & looking forward to Christmas!

Bourneville, your post describes just how I feel ATM. I am finding everything so hard to digest right now.
I know he will never change, as he never has in the past & I am aware that even the most abusive of men always have 2 sides to them.
My sister does see a lot of H, pip. They often come & visit us, or we go & see them as a couple.
We will be spending pretty much all of Christmas together, as they are coming over Christmas eve, we will be all be going to my parents Christmas day & then we spend Boxing day evening at my sister & BIL's house.
I don't know if I can tell her all this heavy stuff yet, as I am so scared of it getting back to either H or my parents.
I am sorry, you must all be despairing with how weak I suddenly appear. I am just finding this bit so tough & I can't think straight.

LW, you don´t seem weak, just apprehensive and confused. That´s completely normal, please don´t feel bad about it.

I feel weak, pip. It is sods law that he is acting quite human when I have all this tough thinking to do.

Yeah, it's almost easier to be able to be just v angry about something, isn't it? Hence my references to revenge. Of course it's not at all about revenge really, it's just about living the life you deserve, but, well...

And no you are not weak, you have come so far and it's all very hard but you are still doing it.

He has gone out all day with his friends, on a Christmas drinking session, so I have quite a bit of time to think today.

lw..you are not weak..you CAN do it, you have to do it. xx

I know I have to do it & I know that much as I try to put this heavy stuff to the back of my mind, it is not going away.
I have felt quite tearful today, as I have had space to think about everything.

You are not weak, you are very strong and very brave ind ealing with what os avery stressful and upsetting situation. In the last year you have come to accept that h is abusing you and the kids, that you are living in an intolerable situation, that your boys are suffering, partciularly ds1 who is showing signs of behavioural problems at school. More importantly, you have started to take action to rectify all these situations, meetings with SENCO, DV counsellor, your won counselling etc. etc.

You have had an incredible year and it'snot surprising that it has given you lots to think about and made you very emotional - it would be the same for anyone in your situation.

Christmas is always a stressful situation, for almost everyone, but in your situation where everything is going round and round in your head, and you have so much to deal with, it is normal that you feel under so much pressure.

I hope you can get through this ok and start to think of the wonderful possibilities for you and your boys in 2006.

Hi Lemmingswife, you don't "know" me but I've just caught up with your story.

I think you're an amazing person because not only are you coping with an appalling situation day-to-day, but you're actually taking steps to change your life too. I think there aren't many people around with your kind of courage.

Wishing you a great 2006 - you deserve it.

Thanks CQ & welliemum.
It has been quite a year & I know that I probably wouldn't have come so far without all the encouragement & support from you lot.
I know that I have reached a scary crossroad now & it is so much to take on board, especially over Christmas.
My HV said something along the lines of how she was amazed how well I was functioning through all this, when most people would have crumpled in a heap. Right now I feel a little like I am in that heap because I am finding this bit so hard to deal with & at times I feel like I can't cope with it all.

If I am honest, I am bl**dy scared right now.

LW - REALLY sorry i have been so out of touch - i didn't manage to reply to Friday's e because of work and have been on family missions all w/e.

A couple of things - yes, he's being human atm - but that's human for him. All those threads you see in chat 'I'm fuming with DH...' 'DH is an a*' etc etc, are women outraged because their DH has done something humiliating, rude and nasty like tell their own mothers that they are boring. Repeatedly. And THEN, instead of apologising, have blithely sworn at them at the end of the night.

And something else: IF my DP insulted me to my Mum, or dad or any toehr blood relative, my Mum would tactfully but firmly let him know that insulting her daughter and expecting her to agree wasn't accepatable. When you are a MIL will you be planning to collude with your DIL in slagging your DS off at family gatherings? i doubt it! Sorry - but your Mum is totally out of order - and to refuse to help you with a mouse because it upsets H is ...well, i am speechless.

I think do think you are right NOT to tell your sister what is going on atm - given the tinderbox situation, and also in case anything erupts over Xmas - too much advocaat down any one person's neck and all hell could be let loose! If you can, just put it all at the back of your mind, in a secret cupboard to which only you have the key, ride it out...and tell when plans are clear and you know exactly what your sister can do to help. But it's very good that your sister recognises how nasty your H was at the 'do' and how bad your Mum's response. She's a v good ally, I think...but you can bide your time.

And honestly, talking about and to you like that is NOT good enough.

I know you're scared.
Will e.

Oh LW, so for you that you should be feeling scared - and that the fear is a result of your home life.

For what it's worth, my home (and family) are my safe place, my refuge from the world when things seem mad. And that makes me lucky, but not actually unusual. So my wish for you for 2006 is that you too will know what it's like to feel happy and safe in your own home.

I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you. Don't forget, though, how many people are wishing you well and wanting to support you in every possible way.

I am putting it to the back of my mind ATM, Blu. It is the only way I can cope with it.
I will not tell my sister or anyone about what is going on right now, it is far too risky.
You are right - Friday night he wasn't very nice. When I say he is being human, I guess I mean that he is being better than he normally is, in that I am having more calm days.
Friday night was not one of these times though & I need to keep reminding myself of that kind of behaviour when I have one of my guilty moments.

Thanks WellieMum.

And even though he is being human - you are still tidying like a mad thing before he gets home, aren't you?
I know there are v big q's going on atm, and I don't think there is any easy magical solution that can make it better right now. It just has to be got through, I think. But you ARE strong, and have got so much better at loking after yourself and the boys.
I guess it will be hard being away from work over the holiday, too.

Yes it will be & it will be made harder by the fact that H is also off work for most of it.
It has been good to have some space today, while he has been out drinking. It has given me time to think.

& yes, you are right, I am still making sure the house is tidy before he gets in.
I was saying to my counsellor on Thursday, that thinking about it, things are only ever really calm because things are going how he wants them. All it takes is for me to spill something, or the house to be untidy, for him to suddenly turn.

Is that what does it? You know, I honestly don't think I had quite put that picture together. I thought he had general outbreaks of bad mood - and went mad at little things you did when he was in one. But I think you are spot on - and that's a lot of responsibility for you to live under, and it's very cruel.