I want another baby. He doesn't. What to do?

[8maidsaremilking]

ok, so I am 35 and so so broody. My DP and I have a gorgeous DS who we both adore and are in a fairly steady relationship, however we have one massive issue that both of us feel very strongly about for different reasons. I desperately want another baby for lots of reasons. Since turning 35 last month, I have become really worried that if it doesn't happen soon, it might never be possible. My DP is equally determined that he is quite happy with our son and does not want another baby. We have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer but I can't seem to forget it.

Would it be absolutely awful if I "accidentally" fell pregnant?? I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust but ultimately I am sure he would accept it and become a fantastic father to a new baby as he is with our son.

Or should I leave things as they are and discuss it again in a few months in the hope that we can both agree?

Your thoughts would be appreciated

i did not say the woman should always change her mind. i did not say it was o.k for a man to refuse to talk about it. i most certainly did not say my husband was shit. he never has been and never will be shit about anything but there are times when he says no and means it. that is his right and it should be the same for every other man. he didn't want more kids, still doesn't want more kids and i respect that.

you've got totally the wrong end of the stick. i was actually the one who was shit, i convinced myself that i was right and should get my own way because i am the one who gets pregnant and gives birth. it was only later on i realised my hormones were making my views slightly/very unbalanced and i was being terribly selfish and unfair. i had to put my hormones and broodiness to one side to see it from his point of view and try and come to an agreement that suited our family. not a solution that suited me, a solution that suited my family. it took me a long time to get to that point and in the mean time i almost ruined our relationship by letting my hormones and broodiness rule my head.

"that is his right and it should be the same for every other man."

So men have the right to the final say?

"i had to put my hormones and broodiness to one side to see it from his point of view"

But he didn't have to put his "logic" aside and see it from yours?

He does sound like a dick. But I guess you have a lot invested in seeing that he was right all along and that you, as a woman, were just a hormonal mess who deserved to be ignored.

"try and come to an agreement that suited our family. not a solution that suited me, a solution that suited my family."

It's not an "agreement" if one person makes a decision, refuses to discuss it, and imposes their will on the other.

It's also interesting that what suited him magically lines up with what suited the family, but what suited you was entirely wrong. You are a member of the family too.

I would have left any man who treated me like that. But I suppose if you stay you have to rationalise it as being acceptable.

it is his right to say no, it is his right to express his opinion and his wishes as it is everyone's human right. who am i to deny my husband a say in something as big and life changing as having another baby? i never said anything about who should get the final say, in fact i said further up that the final say in my situation was based on what's best for my family. of course he saw my point of view but we both also saw that my point of view was mostly based on being broody and wasn't looking at the long term practicalities of having another baby.

how dare you call my dh a shit and a dick! for what, being logical and practical?! in our case we balanced the needs of the kids we've got and how fair it would be on all of us to have another baby. his priority was to the kids we've already got and to give them the best of everything he can provide. you have no idea what he's had to put up with from me and he will always support me in every way regardless of how hormonal i have been. he would do anything for me but in this case he really didn't believe another child would be the best decision for our family.

we discussed it and came to an agreement. the key point there is that we discussed it first.

should i really have left my husband because he didn't want any more kids?? should i have destroyed my relationship (which i very nearly did) and split up my family just to have one more baby?

if you read my posts properly you may realise that i put my desire to have another baby first, above the needs of our family and my husbands wishes, and i actually got what i want.

sorry febmummy for hijacking your thread. just trying to put another perspective on things.

You said he refused to discuss it.

If that's true, he's a dick.

where exactly did i say he refused to discuss it? i said we discussed it. we as in me and my husband. is that grounds for kicking him out, ruining our relationship and our family? really? because our long and happy marriage is in trouble if that's the case.

how is he a dick for putting the needs of our kids first? if you read my posts properly i said his priority was (and always will be) to put our kids first. not my hormones, our kids.

i don't know what your problem is shecutofftheirtails because i actually agree with what you have written further up the thread.

There is a difference between refusing to discuss something further after you have made up your mind and refusing to discuss it in the first place.

If you simply don't like someone else's decision, you can always divorce him, bring the children up without their father living with them, find someone else who - wittingly or otherwise - will inseminate you, and leave him impoverished to the point where he can't move on. If you do all that it won't be him who's to blame.

"he was just the same as others in refusing to talk about it or consider it"

we had discussed it and agreed on what was best for our family but i was still broody. he then refused to talk about it further because he had made his wishes known. i agreed with him about what was right for our family but i wasn't happy about it because i was still broody. the husband and kids i already have are more important than my desire for more babies. i have been lucky and very blessed to have more than one child so i need to put the family i've already got first and not my hormones. that, beneath all the quote slinging, is my point. is it really worth wrecking an existing family for the desire to have more kids? if it is then yes, divorce him and go have more babies but sometimes the family you've got is more important.

"he then refused to talk about it further because he had made his wishes known."

I would leave marriage if I was married to someone as imperious as that.

Neither my husband nor I make our "wishes known" to the other and then expect those wishes to be carried out. Thank fucking God.

Keeping a family together isn't more important than the quality of relationships within that family.

if you read my posts properly you might realise that you are being extremely judgemental and offensive. why are you calling my dh names?!?

he refused to talk about it further because "we had discussed it and agreed on what was best for our family...but i was still broody". i am actually the imperious one in our relationship, which you may have realised if you read my posts properly.

if you really want something that needs your husbands involvement how exactly do you go about getting it? i let my dh know, we discuss it, we make a decision and i either get what i want or i don't or i wait till the timing is better. that is making my wishes known and getting them. i'm sorry if 'wishes' is too flowery for you.

the quality of relationships within my family are the most important factors in keeping our family together. i will not let my hormones and broodiness jepordise my marriage (again).

Hi yoodle,

What you are saying is exactly what I am doing - I don't want to be honest with him anymore about my fertile times. God help me!!

I'm the same as yoodle, I have been telling Dh how much I want another for 8 years, it has always been a NO.
I just didn't give up, and made a flippant comment in a jokey way that maybe I would go elsewhere and get one. I didn't mean it, and he knew I didn't mean it, but it did make him see he was being very selfish in denying it. His reasons were lack of sleep, hates baby stage etc, but once I got him past that by pointing out how much fun he actually has with our DC's 12 and 10, and that would be over before we knew it, he came around to the idea and we are now PG
Now he is excited.
Hope it work out for you

Thank you very much, Wormshuffler! I am not giving up hope, but I can't wait anymore. We do love each other very much and, although I joked with him too about having a baby with someone else, I do want to have HIS baby. I can't even think about having baby with anyone else and he knows it. My beautiful and clever 9 years old son (from previous relationship) proves that you can have a wonderful child even if his father is a dick, but I do need to have my dh's child. I got pregnant a year and a half ago, but I had a miscarriage. Since then I've become trully desperate.
I've been very angry and rude towards my mum today, because she told me: "You always want somethig impossible from people. He doesn't want it, so it is impossibie." How cruel is that? I know I shouldn't have been rude towards her, but she shouldn't tell me this. I was angry and told her that I will have a child with a stranger then. She said that I'll hate this child. How stupid is that? I'm not desperate enough to have a child with anyone apart from my dh, but I know a lot of women having chldren with strangers and being perfectly happy. My ex-partner was horrible towards me, but I am blessed to have his child!

By the way, Wormshuffle, good luck with your pregnancy!! God bless you and the baby!

It would be awful to fall pregnant accidentally. Please don't do that to your DH. Besides, you have a beautiful baby, a loving DH why not try to be happy in that? What if your DH was unable to have more children? Would you leave him? I hope not.
My DH wanted 3 kids. I only want one for many reasons. And we've both decided we'll have one and see. My DH is well aware I may not have more than one child but he is OK with it because he wants to be with me.
Perhaps you should work on your relationship with him. I think if you were happier in your marriage you would feel better.

Thank you very much for your reply, LittleKnownPoet! It's a lovely name, by the way... The thing is: I know that my DH wouldn't mind us to have another child, he is just a bit scared. I'm very happy in my marriage and this is exactly why I do want HIS child. I want to see HIM in this child. Another thing about my DH is that he is much older than me, so at some point I will have to face future without him. I need to keep a part of him with me. I keep telling him this. I also tell him to go and check his sperm count. I say that if it turns out that we can't have children I won't pester him anymore.

I am 26 and have a gorgeous 2 year old, my partner has a 6 year old to another girl. I'm at the point now were I'm so ready for another baby I don't want to wait any longer, my partner says that two is enough even tho his child is not mine and he doesn't live with us. When I first had Millie I said I wanted another one straight away, he said to wait a few years and now Millie is 2, I've said it's time to have another but he says no. I'm really stuck with what to do now. I really want another baby and would hate for Millie to b an only child. Please help!

I wish people would stop focusing on the 9 months of pregnancy and the baby stage. How about "I desperately want a teenager"?

I also wonder how many would expect and demand financial support for the next 18 years for these "accidental pregnancies..

I'm in the same boat. DH does want another child, but he wants to wait a few years, whereas I want to try again now. Frankly I think my argument is more logical than his, but alas, he's not budging.

I've got an IUD so falling pregnant "accidentally" is a bit more difficult.

Ripeberry "How dare he decide how many children you can have."

He can't decide how many children you can have, but he is entirely entitled to choose how many children he has. If you want more than him, you have the right to split up with him and find someone else who wants to have a baby with you.

Such a tricky one- the practical problem with trying to get pregnant accidentally is that it might never happen. You would have to time it right and as you get older you could be wasting time.

If you put the responsibility of contraception onto him he might be v responsible and that wouldn't achieve what you want either. I get pregnant easily but there have been long periods if time when I've relied on condoms with no accidents.

You'll be on tenterhooks every month.

I think I'd suggest counselling and have a shortlist of counsellors ready so he can see how serious you are.
If you were not 35 can you see any practical reasons to wait a bit longer (finances/childcare/work)
What are his reasons- do you agree with them.
Whilst you have to take his feelings into account it is not fair if he gets to effectively say ' no- end of subject'
If there are no reasons beyond sleepless nights/baby stage, I would find it hard to come to terms with the fact that a man could deny his partner a child. Is everything else okay between you- I also question what 'fairly steady' means?
I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to want a 2nd child (where if 3rd/4th would understand his point of view more)

Don't have a planned accident. Worst thing you could do. We had a real accident with dd1 and to this day dh still has issues completely accepting it was an accident. It is not a nice feeling.

I am VERY broody for another child at the moment. Dh is not. We had a planned dd2 and it's a 3rd I want. I have been much much worse as I had a mc in June after falling pg when dh realised how much I wanted no3. He has now changed his mind and realised how much he doesn't. I have taken this very badly, and have been in a real state. We had a big long discussion last week, talking through all the options.

Weirdly in the last few days I have become much calmer about it all. I do completely see it from his point of view, BUT I would still love another. I am however realising that I might be able to accept it not happening. I'm very lucky to have the two beautiful dd's we already have. I suppose I'm looking at it more rationally and seeing the pro's and con's for each. Part of me hopes he might still come round. Another part of me thinks that if this is it I want him to go for the snip (something he has mentioned before), as a) I will not be responsible for contraception and b) I won't have that hope every month that maybe I am pg-I will know that it can't happen-I think for me this would make it easier to come to terms with.

It is interesting to hear all these opinions and that there are lots of others that have been/are going through similar issues. It has helped me get some of my thoughts and feelings a bit more straight in my head.

Good luck to everyone else with whatever happens x

Don't engineer an "accident". Your DH does not want another child and unless you are able to talk him round to the idea, another pregnancy could easily destroy your family. It is a man's right to say no to having additional children, just as it would be your right to say no if he was the broody one. He doesn't get less say because he is a man. If you want more children more than you want the status quo, it is up to you to make a break from him and seek out a man who does want more (or seek artificial insemination, etc).

"He can't decide how many children you can have, but he is entirely entitled to choose how many children he has. If you want more than him, you have the right to split up with him and find someone else who wants to have a baby with you."

This is my take on it, too. I certainly believe a woman has the final say on an existing pregnancy because she is the one faced with the immediate physical reality of carrying the baby, and will most likely end up doing the majority of childcare.

I also agree that a woman's wishes should have a bit more weight than a man's if she is the one who carries out most of the childcare and whose life is more impacted by having children. Certainly it's not reasonable for a man to veto more children without properly listening to how it's affecting his partner.

But the partner who wants children does not simply get to override the partner who would rather maintain the status quo. Each person has the right to veto more children if they really, really don't want them. I'm kind of astonished at the lack of respect for a person's bodily autonomy in some of the comments here - I live with my husband, love him, have a daughter with him, but I don't think I have some kind of right to his sperm on that basis. It will always be his right to decide that he doesn't want to procreate any more. If I want a baby more than I want my marriage, it's then my right to seek donor sperm or another partner. He's not denying me a baby, he's denying me HIS baby, and that's up to him. If he carries on having sex with me then he must know there's a certain risk, and he doesn't get to demand an abortion from me in the event of a genuine accident. But that doesn't make it OK for me to sabotage our contraception. If we discuss something and reach a conclusion, then we trust each other to follow through. That level of trust is fundamental to a committed relationship, IMO.

It must be awful, unbelievably painful. But biology and/or other people's autonomy sometimes fuck up our plans. Lots of people don't get to have babies that they desperately want. It's horrible and there is no neat and tidy answer.