Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

I want another baby. He doesn't. What to do?

137 replies

8maidsaremilking · 08/07/2011 14:16

ok, so I am 35 and so so broody. My DP and I have a gorgeous DS who we both adore and are in a fairly steady relationship, however we have one massive issue that both of us feel very strongly about for different reasons. I desperately want another baby for lots of reasons. Since turning 35 last month, I have become really worried that if it doesn't happen soon, it might never be possible. My DP is equally determined that he is quite happy with our son and does not want another baby. We have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer but I can't seem to forget it.

Would it be absolutely awful if I "accidentally" fell pregnant?? I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust but ultimately I am sure he would accept it and become a fantastic father to a new baby as he is with our son.

Or should I leave things as they are and discuss it again in a few months in the hope that we can both agree?

Your thoughts would be appreciated

OP posts:

Ishani · 08/07/2011 15:42

Tricking is one thing and that's completely different from insisting or persuading somebody that your need for another child is greater than their need not to.

wannaBe · 08/07/2011 15:43

and what if the woman didn't want another child and the man did? oh of course then it would be the woman's choice again wouldn't it because it's her body.

katz · 08/07/2011 15:45

ishani - i don't see why a women's need for a child is greater than a mans right to not have one. This is something a couple need to discuss and work through. Maybe the solution is for the women to leave that relationship ad have one with someone who does want a child. I firmly believe that everyone male or female has the right to decide if they want to be a parent.

gapants · 08/07/2011 15:47

I feel very strongly that having a baby has to be a unanimous decision.

Talk to him again, and again and see if you can work it out. But you may just have one child and have to be happy with that. The existing family you have is more important than the possibility of a different family in the future.

Consider carefully what you already have.

Ishani · 08/07/2011 15:49

You are asking a woman to undertake a massive sacrifice to her body and everything else when she has a baby so yes it's her choice.
I guess every partnership is different but I wouldn't want to stay with a man who wanted to stop at one child and I'm amazed that conversation didn't take place before they had the first child if i'm honest.
But since the sacrifice is mainly made by the woman I'd say it's probably the only thing she gets the final say on, either way.

gapants · 08/07/2011 15:51

Ishani- I find your POV utterly selfish. What about her DH and her DS? how do they figure in this "her body her choice" stance?

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 15:53

ishani - and that's your opinion, but I simply do not agree.

LtEveDallas · 08/07/2011 15:55

By the time DD was 9 months old I wanted another. I wanted to snuggle a newborn again, I wanted to BF, I wanted DD to have a sibling and I wanted another baby to love.

DH didn't.

It became the elephant in the room. With me forever making comments and little digs. By the time DD was 2 I was horrible about it, going as far as to tell him no more sex if he wasn't going to 'give' me a baby.

When DD was 3 it came to a head. Our relationship was pretty crappy and I couldn't see anyway ahead for us. I considered an 'accident' but tbh it would have been too obvious (implant removal) so didn't do it.

Now DD is 6. And my feelings have changed. I like my life, I'm enjoying her as an older girl and loving the fact that she no longer wakes at night (she did till she went to school!). I can have conversations with her and we are closer than ever. If I were to have another now it would change things too much.

Nappies, sleepless nights, buggies, holidays, childcare, et al. Everything would be different and everything would be that bit harder. Without DH on side (or maybe even gone) I wouldn't want to do it.

I finally realised that I had changed earlier this year when I had a coil fitted for the first time. I suddenly felt relief.

You might have another, your DH might change his mind. But if he doesn't, only children are pretty amazing too you know

Bandwithering · 08/07/2011 15:55

I agree with whoever said that if he already has a child with you, and would split up before he'd agree to have another child then he's not 100% committed.

I know somebody who won't have more than one child with his wife, but he told her that before they got married, and it's because he already had a teenager. he agreed to one child and she married him knowing that.

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 15:55

I am really puzzled by the contradiction between Ishani's everything-i-do-is-for-my-family stance and her 'so if I want another baby then that's my decision' opinion.

wannaBe · 08/07/2011 15:55

but the reality is that you cannot possibly know how many children you want until you have actually had one. Because what you think you want and what actually transpires once you have what you thought you wanted can be totally different. In the same way that a woman who thinks she only wants one child then has one and decides she wants more it's equally possible to think you want more, have one and be so overwhelmed by the one that you realise that actually you don't want any more.

I have a friend who doesn't want children, ever. He has always been very, very clear about that. And yet the number of relationships he's been in where the woman has reached a point where she has decided that she does want children and thinks he may change his mind is astonishing. He has been up-front about his wish to not have children, and yet he says that so many women seem to think that he should change his mind - why should he? He hasn't deceived anyone or led them to believe differently.

wannaBe · 08/07/2011 16:00

ASByatt I agree. a woman who will go to any lengths to have another child clearly has no consideration for the child she already has. utterly, utterly selfish.

Bandwithering · 08/07/2011 16:00

Well, I'm not sure what the answer is, but this guy could stroll off when the OP is 39 and have 3 kids with somebody else. I'd worry that it's not that he doesn't want another child, it's that he doesn't want to further tie himself to her if he leaves.

Bandwithering · 08/07/2011 16:01

although wannaBe, I think a sibling is one of the best things your child can have.

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 16:01

wannaBe - that's true. A close friend of mine was always adamant that she wanted 4 children - until she got the first 3, when she decided that 4 would be one too many!
Another - female - friend has always been upfront about not wanting to have children. Her DH knew this when they married, but now that she's approaching 40 he's saying that he'd always sort of assumed that at some point she might change her mind and have just the one DC.....

wannaBe · 08/07/2011 16:02

and equally, the op could stroll off in pursuit of her next baby and find out she has secondary infertility and is actually unable to conceive again. so she will have destroyed her family, made her existing children unhappy and for what?

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 16:02

Sorry, I was responding to a post further up - I'm too slow!

wannaBe · 08/07/2011 16:05

Bandwithering but there's nothing wrong with only children. All dynamics are different and sibling relationships are never guaranteed.

I have an only child through fertility and having come to terms with the fact I will never have another child I actually think that having just the one is best. I see my friends struggle with their children, watch them bickering with each other, and think... no thanks.

stupefy · 08/07/2011 16:05

Don't have an 'accidentally on purpose' pregnancy whatever you do. I am currently pregnant with a (genuinely) accidental pregnancy and DH and I are at loggerheads. We both want different things and it is a really vile, horrible situation to be in.

LtEveDallas · 08/07/2011 16:10

Wannabe, same here. All I seem to see with my friends children is arguing and fighting! I know it's only a snapshot, but I often breathe a sigh of relief when we get back to our own nice and quiet home!

(plus being able to 'spoil' dd pretty much whenever I want and not having to worry about getting something for a sibling too makes things a bit easier on the pocket!)

Bandwithering · 08/07/2011 16:10

oh course there's nothing wrong with only children! but in the same way, there's nothing 'wrong' with not having a father around. And I honestly believe that if the OP really wants a second baby and he's utterly determined not only that he doesn't but that he let her have one to protect what they have, then it's not worth staying together. She can leave him,hopefully have a baby through some other means. They could be a family of three - but two children instead of two adults and one child.

The oP can't force him to agree to another child, but she's not obliged to accept his decision. Especially when I would strongly suspect it's borne out of selfishness and a desire not to tie himself further to her... It might be worth sacrificing the opportunity to have another much-wanted child with a man who was a great husband, but is this guy? The op should think about whether he's worth the sacrifice.

Ishani · 08/07/2011 16:11

There is nothing wrong with only children at all.
My family is the most important aspect of my life and DH married me knowing I wanted loads of kids, the brick wall we hit was the number "loads" meant, i'm afraid my desire to have another or more to the point not to be denied another was strong than that of staying in the marriage if that's what it came to, but then there were other issues at the time too.
I guess I was lucky that I did hold a gun to DH's head, got what I wanted and worked through the other stuff too.
DH tells me he adores the baby and is in a happier place now but who knows he could walk out the door tomorrow, but then he could have done that when we had 3 children and the only looser would have been me, the children would never suffer as a result of our decisions, I imagine the OP is similar.

AnotherMumOnHere · 08/07/2011 16:14

When a woman has a baby she becomes number two on her priority list. If she has another baby she goes down the list of priorities again ......... once a woman has children she has to put any selfish thoughts to one side. Children ALWAYS come first until they are old enough to make/take decisions for themselves.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 16:14

I ought to make it clear that I didn't engineer a "little accident" - the pregnancy was the result of contraceptive ineptitude. For sure I might have been less blasé about contraception had I been utterly against the idea of having another child, but it wasn't deliberate.

One thing the whole hideous mess made clear though was that DP's absolute opposition to having another baby is at least as strong as my desire to have one. I can't see how my wishes trump his, and it's not like you can reach a compromise, either.

stupefy you have my every sympathy. It really does suck, doesn't it :( How far many weeks pregnant are you?

Bandwithering · 08/07/2011 16:14

Well, if that's the case then everybody should stop at one.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread