I want another baby. He doesn't. What to do?

[8maidsaremilking]

ok, so I am 35 and so so broody. My DP and I have a gorgeous DS who we both adore and are in a fairly steady relationship, however we have one massive issue that both of us feel very strongly about for different reasons. I desperately want another baby for lots of reasons. Since turning 35 last month, I have become really worried that if it doesn't happen soon, it might never be possible. My DP is equally determined that he is quite happy with our son and does not want another baby. We have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer but I can't seem to forget it.

Would it be absolutely awful if I "accidentally" fell pregnant?? I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust but ultimately I am sure he would accept it and become a fantastic father to a new baby as he is with our son.

Or should I leave things as they are and discuss it again in a few months in the hope that we can both agree?

Your thoughts would be appreciated

Really falasportugues? you consider this : made it clear it was another baby or the marriage was over. to be negotiation? I'm not sure I agree!

As far as the OP is concerned, she is not wrong to want another baby, but equally, her partner is not wrong to choose not to have another child. If the OP decides to go ahead anyway, knowing she could be doing so as a single parent, I hope she also considers that if she has ''accidentally'' fallen pregnant, she will need to think very carefully about how she is going to support the new child financially. After all, if her partner has made it clear that he does not want a new baby, and she disregards this entirely, should he be made to support a child he did not want?

'I have a friend who doesn't want children, ever. He has always been very, very clear about that. And yet the number of relationships he's been in where the woman has reached a point where she has decided that she does want children and thinks he may change his mind is astonishing. He has been up-front about his wish to not have children, and yet he says that so many women seem to think that he should change his mind - why should he? He hasn't deceived anyone or led them to believe differently.'

Two of my best female friends feel the same, still do, now in their late 40s. One had her tubes tied at 35. The other has been on Depo for over a decade.

Thankfully, they are married to men who felt the same, but didn't find them until they were in their early 40s.

I have only read OP. I would tell him you aren't going to use contraception and leave it to him. Then if he is careless he cannot have a go at you. I don't think you are selfish to want another child. I am not sure if he is selfish in trying to prevent you having another. I would tell him why you really want another and how you will deal with it financially etc. Chances are when the baby is here he will adore it. It is not alot to ask to want at least 2 children, most people do. If it were for number 3,4, etc. it would be more understandable unless you are in financial dire straights etc it seems abit mean to not allow your wife to have a second child, it's abit stroppy.

"it seems a bit mean to not allow your wife to have a second child, it's a bit stroppy."

I don't agree. He probably doesn't want the worry, the sleepless nights and extra burden another child would bring. I don't think that is being selfish. I think it far more selfish to agree to another child and then not pulling his weight with childcare and not helping around the house.

This happened to a friend of mine who was waiting on her husband hand and foot just after she had had baby number 2, when he should have been running around after her. I was quite shocked at his utter laziness. I suprised myself by not telling him off, but inviting them all round for a meal so my friend didn't have to cook and wash up for at least one meal.

I don't know whether it was negotiation on my part but his sneaking off for a vasectomy certainly wasn't, so from my point of view it was righting the wrong. I honestly don't know if i'd actually have been that bothered about having number 4 until I was told it wasn't going to happen.
We are as bad as each other in that sense so I guess we are sparing two other families

Most women don't hit perimenopause until their 40s. Telling a 35 year old woman that she's perimenopausal in the absence of any reason to think she might be is weird and not very nice.

It's the bald truth shecutofftheirtails - and it's pertinent here in this thread - nothing 'weird' or 'not very nice about it'. It's easy to think that somehow it won't happen to you - especially as you're heading up to that age...

But the fact remains: You are in peri menopause at 35.

Don't take my word for it: Go to your GP / gynae and listen to her telling you the same thing.

If the 35yo OP wants another baby - she has to make up her mind soon.

All women are in perimenopause at 35?

There's no variation at all?

Um, OK

Dorje you are talking rubbish where did you get that information???
The perimenopause precedes actual menopause by anywhere from 2 to 10 years and lasts 4 years on the average. It generally begins in the late 30?s or early 40?s.
As you go further into your 30's your fertility does diminish but that does not mean you are perimenopausal.

Yes, SheCutOffTheirTails that's what my Gynae and GP says. About 35 = peri menopause - it lasts for years and years and affects fertility, which is why I mention it in this thread as the OP is 35, and it will have a bearing on her decision, as your eggs and ovaries are as old as they are, not matter how few wrinkles you have, or how great you look.

Call me old fashioned, but I take what professionals who are working in the field say, to be more factual than anyone else.

You should maybe get a better GP and/or gynae.

Are you sure you understood what they were saying?

Most women don't hit perimenopause until their 40s. If you were perimenopausal at 35, that would be considered early. And certainly you would not presume a woman of 35 was definitely in perimenopause.

Actually though, it's weird and rudely intrusive to tell a woman of any age about her physical condition. You can't possibly know based on age alone.

I fully agree that at 35, if she wants more children she should be trying to have them ASAP. But that does not mean her menopause is starting, and it is horrible of you to try to scare her like that.

I desperately want another child too, I have a 9 years old boy from my previous relationship. My DH loves him and has known him since he was 1,5 years old. But he doesn't want another child. I'm 38 years old and don't have time to persuade him. He is not saying "no", he is saying "maybe", "i understand why you want it", "i'll think about it", "not this month, because i don't want to worry while we are on holidays/celebrating Christmas/celebrating Easter/decorating house" etc.... It's been like this for over a year and a half. I think he is deceiving me. He knows how desperate i am and he keeps delaying it while he knows that i don't have time. What should i do?

Men like this are selfish. He has a son and that's all he wants. He can go out and have lots of children, but us women can only have what we give birth to.
How dare he decide how many children you can have.

Hello

I totally feel for you because I have been there. In my case I had two and I really wanted a third child. I was so broody and would cry with every period I got. I knew dh did not want anymore so every now and then I would approach the subject and he would immediately make it clear he was happy with two and use all excuses like money, cars, holidays, the cost, lack of sleep again, us having no time together. It would always end in an argument. This did go on for almost a year.

My advice for you is to just be really honest with him and let him hear and see how you feel. I broke down and dh saw how much it meant to me. He thought I was just fixated on a "baby" but I explained how much I wanted another "child" for our family. I told him about how I ache about it and the overwhelming feeling and how I thougt about it all day every day and that it was getting me so down. I reminded him that I agree the first year is hard but look how quick our other two children had already grown.

In the end he came around I think mainly for me and my sanity. As soon as I was pregnant I was of course over joyed and became normal and happy again. Although I was so sick I was just so content and dh saw this and it made him happy. He was glad I changed his mind and when baby came he was hooked from the second he saw her. But he did remind me that 3 is his max! :)

I would sit down and either write him a letter about how you feel or just let it all out and talk to him. He needs to see you all open so dont hold your tears back!

Good luck x

Ps. Just one thing to consider which is just make sure you are "wanting" a baby for the right reasons. Sometimes when we feel a little lost and unsure of what direction to take next we think about what we know best and enjoy. Are you feelimg content in otehr area first.

Ripeberry, thank you very much for your reply. I agree that he is selfish and has no right to decide how many children I should have. I also think that while I am honest with him he isn't which makes me want to deceive him and have "an accident". Am I horrible or trully desperate?
Yoodle, thanks a lot for your reply too! I really wanted to have a baby for more than three years, but about 1,5 years ago I've become really desperate and have been talking to my dh about it constantly. I explain to him how I feel all the time and he says he understands me, but when it comes to the "middle of the month", he does everything he can in order not to get me pregnant. I can't hear his "maybe next month" anymore. Am I right that sometimes men do drive us to the point when we want to deceive them as we do not have any other choice?

i will also say that we did conceive number 3 he was not aware but because he had started to warm to my way i just stopped telling him when my fertile time was and i remember after we did it he made a joke saying i tricked him but my answer was he knew what i wanted and we had discussed it so if he didnt want to then he should have kept in in his pants. but it was light hearted because i know if he really did not want to he would have been more aware of me. i was like an animal at that time :)

if he says he understands how you feel and he is having sex without contraception then I take that as green lights to go!

you say you have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer - so leave it. He may come round. dont trick him.

in my expereince, that's a horrible situation to be in.

I did long for another child. I could 'see' the baby next the first 2 dcs. I was dreaming about it - all the time. And H was just saying 'No'.

My take on that was that I could not force him to have another child with me. I already had two.
However, I also think that a man can not/should not force a woman to not have anymore children either (I believe that's the reason why they will speak to the wife too before a man having the snip - they certainly did with me, checking that I was fully aware of what it meant. Not for me to give an 'authorisation' but to check that's something I was happy with too).
So it is really one of those situations where you can't compromise. It can be very easy to fall into the situation where one will 'win' and the other 'loose'. This will destroy a couple just as surely as having an 'accident'.

In my case, H didn't want to use condoms. I couldn't take the pill or use a coil for health reasons. So we use the withdrawal 'method' (as far as I am concened it means we didn't use any contraception at all). H was sticking his head in the sand, refused to see it as issue and when I mad a comment about it, just said 'well you would have to have an abortion then'....

In the end we never had a 3rd child and I sort of got use to the idea. The dcs are older now as I am so it would feel 'wrong'. But I sometimes still dream about the idea of snuggling with newborn again, bfing him/her etc...

So I would say:

• Don't force your H to have a baby if he doesn't want to but
• Also don't let him force onto you the fact that you will not have another child.

I really think that you both need to take the other one into account. Perhaps have some counselling around it if you can't manage to speak about it and support each other wo this feeling 'I can't let him/her have his/her way, otherwise I will loose'. Because it is very destructive.

Natashab25, your partner is trying to buy time and take you in a place where you will not be able to or will not want to have a child.
I would not let taht one go and you might have to decide now if this is a deal braker for you or not.

how is it selfish for a man to say no? just because a man doesn't get pregnant and give birth it doesn't mean his wishes can be over ruled. if you commit to a relationship with someone you commit to them the way they are - not choosing someone to bend to your will.

i've been there and i know how heartbreaking it is to want more kids when your partner says no, but since when does no not mean no to a woman?! what if it were the other way round and the man wanted more kids but the woman didn't - it works both ways and couples have to compromise.

i could very easily get pregnant again and have another baby but i have to consider what is right for my family and my husband, and try and put my hormones and extreme broodiness to one side.

how is it selfish for a man to say no? Well not it's no selfish

how is it selfish for a woman to say yes? well it's not selfish either.

And that's why it is so difficult to find a solution that works for both partners naturalbaby.
I don't agree that the answer should automatically be that the woman puts her 'broodiness and hormones to one side' for the sake of the family.
As I said my experience of doing that is that it was one of the first things to destroy my marriage.

" just because a man doesn't get pregnant and give birth it doesn't mean his wishes can be over ruled."

No, but it does mean that finding what is fair in a situation involves taking the disparity of impact this has on each member of the couple into account.

I despair on threads like these when I read bullshit about how "it would be just like him forcing you to carry a baby you didn't want."

Er, no. It would be nothing the fuck like that at all. Forcing a woman to put her body through a pregnancy she doesn't want is completely different to carrying to term a baby that a man doesn't want.

Biology means we are not the same in this area.

I am very, very glad I am married to a man who thinks I should have more of a say over how many children we have, since I'll be the one that carries them, and feeds them for the first year or so of their lives. And who says he would never be able to deny me a baby I really wanted.

We discuss these matters together. But on no occasion has he ever tried to make out that having a baby is the same for a man as it is for a woman.

i was talking about myself and my relationship - i put my broodiness and hormones to one side because that's what is best for my family. my dh was looking at the practicalities of having an extra child, and extra mouth to feed, an extra child to raise and educate etc etc and i was just full of hormones wanting another baby. that was starting to come between us in my marriage.

my point was the woman seems to be automatically given the final say - which is fair enough given what her body has to go through to have a baby but there is often talk of 'talking him round' 'having an accident' or persuading the man to change his mind which shows no respect for the man's wishes.

i just think it's a shame that many couples split up over it because women aren't taking no for an answer - as mentioned above about the women who thought they could change the man who said he didn't want kids but they thought they could change his mind.

"there is often talk of 'talking him round' 'having an accident' or persuading the man to change his mind which shows no respect for the man's wishes."

Having an accident shows no respect.

But unless you think a man's wishes deserve more respect than his wife's, why shouldn't she try to talk him around if it is important to her.

"i just think it's a shame that many couples split up over it because women aren't taking no for an answer"

I think it's a shame couples split up over this because men are refusing to have another child when their partner desperately wants one.

that was my point - we need to have some respect for the man's wishes and not just expect to be able to change their mind because we're not happy about it. i'm not saying one side deserves more respect than the other but a lot of the posts on this and other threads automatically support the very broody woman and not the man who in my dh's case was thinking more clearly and logically. he was just the same as others in refusing to talk about it or consider it but as much as i was desperate for another (and he was very well aware of that fact) he was also desperate for no more children. so why should i have got my way?

parents will almost always say 'now the baby is here i wouldn't want it any other way' or 'i can't imagine my family without the (extra) baby' but another baby is not always the best thing for the family no matter how broody and desperate the woman is. i'm sure not many would openly admit that extra baby was a mistake but it does happen.

So the woman should always change her mind?

It's not OK for a woman to try to discuss a difference of opinion, but it's completely fine for a man to refuse to consider what she wants and refuse to talk about it?

Just because your husband was shit to you when you wanted more children doesn't mean other women should put up with being treated like that.

But nice that you've convinced yourself that he was right all along in treating you as a non-person whose hormones meant their wishes didn't count.