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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want another baby. He doesn't. What to do?

137 replies

8maidsaremilking · 08/07/2011 14:16

ok, so I am 35 and so so broody. My DP and I have a gorgeous DS who we both adore and are in a fairly steady relationship, however we have one massive issue that both of us feel very strongly about for different reasons. I desperately want another baby for lots of reasons. Since turning 35 last month, I have become really worried that if it doesn't happen soon, it might never be possible. My DP is equally determined that he is quite happy with our son and does not want another baby. We have agreed to leave the topic until after the summer but I can't seem to forget it.

Would it be absolutely awful if I "accidentally" fell pregnant?? I know he would feel really hurt and angry that I have betrayed his trust but ultimately I am sure he would accept it and become a fantastic father to a new baby as he is with our son.

Or should I leave things as they are and discuss it again in a few months in the hope that we can both agree?

Your thoughts would be appreciated

OP posts:
stupefy · 08/07/2011 16:20

Almost 6 weeks. I'm starting to feel sick and be a little bit excited. Dh is refusing to talk to me and is acting as if he hates me, maybe he does.

Bunbaker · 08/07/2011 16:26

"that's completely different from insisting or persuading somebody that your need for another child is greater than their need not to."

How do you measure it?

I never know what to say when presented with a situation like this because there are no half way measures. You either have another child or you don't.

As I am not particularly maternal I have never been able to understand other women's overwhelming desire to have another child even if their partner is so adamantly against it. Sadly, I know of a couple of women whose relationships floundered because they went ahead and got pregnant against their partners' wishes, although these relationships might not have lasted anyway. But I would have thought that being single on your own is a darn sight easier than being single with a small child to care for.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 16:32

Bless you, stupefy :(

You know he might come round. It does happen. He's probably still in shock. Fingers crossed for you :)

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 16:34

'the children would never suffer as a result of our decisions'

  • Ishani, I don't see how can you say that!
Ishani · 08/07/2011 16:34

Having a puppy would be easier again wouldn't it.
All I can say is that I would never have regretted number 4 no matter what came next, nobody becomes a mother because they are selfish and want an easy life lets face it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 16:41

nobody becomes a mother because they are selfish and want an easy life lets face it

Really?

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 16:42

'All I can say is that I would never have regretted number 4 no matter what came next' - Ishani

what, even if your famiy unit had then broken up, and your DC been distressed, disorientated and struggled to cope?? You would not have regretted it?

And this is not selfish?

Ishani · 08/07/2011 16:48

You see that would have not been done to other factors it would not be down to the baby.

Ishani · 08/07/2011 16:49

Sorry typing and talking at the same time.

Horsemad · 08/07/2011 17:53

I agree with the poster who said that the OP should tell her husband that contraception is his responsibility if he doesn't want any more children.

ASByatt · 08/07/2011 18:33

'Other factors' - you mean, like your DH realising that you had betrayed his trust?

Apocalypto · 08/07/2011 18:47

To answer Ishani's question, what is wrong with a woman being completely selfish is that the consequences of her selfishness are visited on a whole load of innocent bystanders, whose interests are being treated as worthless.

This includes her partner, her existing children and the ones she feels entitled to have even if they do grow up fatherless. Anyone who'd rather have two fatherless children than one with a father is making a decision that profoundly affects three other people without paying the slightest regard to their feelings, views or interests.

Apocalypto · 08/07/2011 18:51

@ horsemad

Unfortunately the type of contraception that a man can arrange is not reliable. Sex using condoms and the withdrawal method are about equally effective, for example.

Presumably though, as it's his body, he could go and have a vasectomy without telling her, right?

After all, nobody above who's suggested the OP deceive her husband sees anything wrong with deceit in marriage. So surely the perfect solution is for her to come off the pill and him to have the snip, but neither of them tells each other. Everybody is equally lied to, and although he gets his way by deception, that's fine because she was trying to do the very same thing.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 18:55

Unfortunately the type of contraception that a man can arrange is not reliable

That's how I ended up with my disastrous pregnancy. I'd refused to use any contraception, because I wanted a baby and the pill literally (well maybe not quite literally, but I was being melodramatic) stuck in my throat.

btw my GP informed me that they would not allow dp to have a vasectomy without my permission Shock - I don't know if the situation is different with private practitioners/clinics however.

Apocalypto · 08/07/2011 21:34

@ JMHPG

That's staggering. Could your DH also legally veto your having your tubes tied?

WibblyBibble · 08/07/2011 21:43

Apocalypto, that's simply a lie. Condoms are 99% effective if used properly. The OP's partner is old enough to read the instructions on a condom packet. Do you really think women are obliged to drug themselves for the benefit of men who don't want more children but do want to fuck without condoms?

WibblyBibble · 08/07/2011 21:45

Also of course he could have a vasectomy without telling her- and she could stop contraception without telling him. However, what people have suggested is that she does tell him before stopping, so it's his choice whether to go ahead with sex or not. Similarly he'd be perfectly entitled, if he is serious about not wanting any more children, to go out and get a vasectomy and tell her he'd done it! I really don't see what's controversial there- they're each entitled to control their own bodies, surely?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 22:06

I know, Apocalypto - I was utterly Shock myself.

Ishani · 08/07/2011 23:30

ASByatt - as I stated earlier I haven't betrayed anyone's trust but made it clear it was another baby or the marriage was over.
Other factors which have been resolved now were the complete opposite of that as it happens but neither here nor there now.
He had a vasectomy without my knowledge, thank goodness science can now resolve those issues otherwise he'd be in a B&B and visiting weekends now.

Ishani · 08/07/2011 23:32

So I know that it's complete rubbish that the wife's permission is sought for vasectomy's and presumably that works both ways as my DH had it done on the NHS. The GP was also aware he had just got married as he was at our wedding.

OnlyMe1971 · 08/07/2011 23:48

I would dearly love another (it would be our 4th).
But DH is dead set against.
I feel I would be completley selfish to just press ahead and have a "little accident".
I wish Dh would change his mind but I don't think he will.
It's about respect.
I do feel sad but we have 3 healthy dcs so I try to focus on them and how lucky I feel to have them in our lives.
I'm just hoping that one day, the ache for another will stop.

Apocalypto · 09/07/2011 01:27

I'll excuse your ill manners and accusing tone, WibblyBibble, because it is a surprising little factoid, but it is nonetheless true.

"Withdrawal is sometimes referred to as the contraceptive method that is ?better than nothing?. But, based on the evidence, it might more aptly be referred to as a method that is almost as effective as the male condom?at least when it comes to pregnancy prevention. If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively."

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
Rachel K. Jones, Guttmacher Institute, New York
Julie Fennell, Sociology Dept, Central Connecticut State University
Jenny A. Higgins, Office of Population Research, Wallace Hall, Princeton University
Kelly Blanchard, Ibis Reproductive Health, Cambridge, MA

Published in Contraception #79 (2009) 407?410

www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

So 2% (perfect) to 17% (typical) for condoms, versus 4% to 18% for withdrawal. Or, as I put it, "Sex using condoms and the withdrawal method are about equally effective".

The perfect / typical rates for the combined pill are 0.3 to 8%. So effective withdrawal is actually better than the crap of typical for the pill.

As to whether "women are obliged to drug themselves for the benefit of men who...want to fuck without condoms", clearly they aren't. If they looked into whether it even works, they'd find it's a fool's errand to do so.

While providing reliable-ish contraception is likely one reason women use the pill, my surmise is that it is often used just to establish and assert control over a particular dimension of the relationship.

Dorje · 10/07/2011 00:54

It's your body, and your ovaries won't be firing forever.
That's why I say if you really want a baby, and don't mind being a single mum, then have that baby.

Your DP can have babies all his life - you OTOH cannot. And if you are 35 you are in peri menopause.

Go for it if it really is the driver in your life.
You'll regret not having that baby for the rest of your life - you have a few years max when your eggs are viable.

If your partner has a vasectomy you can always get another man or a sperm sample by IUI to impregnate you if you really want another baby. But you'll have to decide soon, whereas your DP can put off any decision indefinitely.

Actually, I suggest counselling and trying to tease out why your DP doesn't want another baby, and for you to see if you could go ahead as a single mum.

falasportugues · 10/07/2011 01:46

Ishani... you have been criticised on this thread for being selfish... I don't judge you so. You show us that by communicating... persuasively perhaps, we can negotiate within our relationships. I think this is crucial, and that all of us in these number-of-children-negotioations need to keep talking and trying to understand each other.

Also on the topic of selfishness... Come off it do you all really consider yourselves to be 100% selfless beings? we are all human and act selfishly at times. Yes creating a new person is a big thing, but it is also an expression of love.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 10/07/2011 08:17

The word that jumps out at me here is "fairly".

You're only in a fairly steady relationship with this man. You don't owe him the rest of your life or fertility just because you had a child with him

Why did you have a child in such an uncommitted relationship? Why are you considering another?

Do you think it is good for children to grow up in a home with "fairly committed" parents?

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