Why are men so inconsiderate

[Mum2boy]

I put ds down for a nap this afternoon and I wanted him to have a decent sleep, because he hasn't been sleeping all that well the last few nights and I knew he was tired. Anyway he'd been asleep for about 1/2 an hour when dh came home at around 1.00pm, and much to my irritation he went around the house making just about every conceivable noise, even though he knew ds was asleep. I didn't say anything for a minute and then when he started to get louder, I asked him if he could try to be a bit more quiet - which I thought was reasonable - and he started shouting at me right outside ds' bedroom, saying "I'M NOT GOING TO GO AROUND IN SILENCE JUST BECAUSE HE'S ASLEEP, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO BE QUIET IN MY OWN HOUSE" etc etc etc. I was so furious that he had yelled at me right outside ds' room, let alone that he didn't give a crp about waking ds up, that I called him a selfish d*khead and stormed out of the house for a couple of hours. Not the nicest thing in the world to say, but I cannot understand why he can't keep the noise down for 1 HOUR out of his entire day - I mean he doesn't even try. I just feel he's being so inconsiderate, after all it's me who would have to deal with ds being tired & cranky if he got woken up. I do just about everything for ds & if I want any help from dh, I have to ask for it.

Can anyone understand my feeling about this or is it really too much to ask? Perhaps if dh had to spend as much time taking care of ds as I do, he might think differently about what he does. I just can't stand men sometimes...

Mum2Boy - you are being sexist.

Individuals are individuals - some are nice, some are not. Most are nice at times and nasty at others. You start generalising about men and you're as ridiculous as the men who ask why women moand and nag all the time - you attack us all. You chose the particular bloke your with, and if you don't like him, either live with it or deal with it.

I'm living with a VERY inconsiderate woman at the moment, and if your thread was "what can some people be so inconsiderate", I might have posted something constructive. Just jump off the man bashing.

Oh no not again

Tom I dont think Mum2boy meant any harm.

Sorry to hear you have an inconsiderate partner at the moment but I think we all do experience this at times.

Then start a new thread asking "why are some people so inconsiderate" and post the same message on it... otherwise I WILL get pissed off with the generalisation about my gender. Post a new topic and we can let this one die.

Tom - this site is called MUMSNET - so why don't you take a hike.

Mum2boy has every right to ask a question to the other women who frequent this site. If you're feeling so bitter & twisted, find another more 'suitable' site where you can gripe to other men about your wife.

Oh - and why are you still living with your extremely 'inconsiderate' wife if that's how you feel about her? Perhaps YOU should jump off the woman bashing. PLEASE GO AWAY

eh eh calm down calm down

hasnt there been enough shite on mumsnet in recent days without any more arguments.

Lethal.

No, I won't "take a hike". I have been on Mumsnet for a very long time, and like the site and many of the people.

I have met with the people who run mumsnet, and asked them whether they welcome fathers onto the site, and they told me in no uncertain terms that they DO.

Furthermore, I RUN the UK's largest website for fathers - www.fathersdirect.com. Women are more than welcome on that site, and as admins, we try to ensure that we sustain an environment where men and women both feel comfortable.

Our basic position is that parenting is about co-operation between men and women, and that creating spaces where men and women can generalise about each other's gender is very harmful, ultimately to children, because they all have a mother and a father, and they are all either a boy or a girl.

Where that co-operation breaks down (as it obviously has for Mum2boy here), it causes problems. If you can't stand the voice of men on this forum, I suggest YOU take a hike and go to a forum that does not allow men on it.

I have no problem talking about specifics that people want to choose to talk about, but when a topic basically accuses everyone with my set of genitals of being inconsiderate then I get a bit pissed off. When I'm being treated at home the way I am at the moment, it enrages me that someone is on this site basically saying that I am biologically inconsiderate.

Mumsnet is a site I've got alot of respect for - and for the people who run it too. It's a fabulous resource for parents for so many reasons. The last thing you need is to alienate half the population. So Mum2boy - just post a new topic and you won't hear from me about it again.

Tom-I don't think mum2boy was having at go at men in general, admittedly she could have used the word "my DH" instead but don't you think everyone is getting a little too pc? It was a general rant and I'm sure we've all been in the same situation and because mumsnet is seen as a chatting place for friends, it 's sometimes good to let out feelings where you know that someone will answer, even if it's just to send hugs etc. Lethal, IMO mumsnet is for everyone, people have the right to express an opinion but not at other people expenses of hurt feelings and even nasty slagging off. If it gets too personal, then the people posting shoud stop, take a deep breath and ask themselves if they would say the hurtful words to someone else's face. I know I wouldn't, even if it was a really good friend, and bear in mind, we don't really know each other. We just percieve from people's postings some idea of the way they think and feel. I think that unless we know more about Tom's situatiion (and I really don't mean to sound patronising) that personal comments are a bit over the top. Perhaps we could offer advice/help and perhaps everyone could respect other peoples feeling, with more carefully chosen words and without an attitude.

Doormat-I know what you mean, I was just reading the dadslib thread, and things were really out of order with that as well. Hope everyone concerned has calmed down and are "friends" again, even if they don't agree with each other.

Maybe Mum2boy's and Tom's families should do Wifeswap?

ROFL scummy

Agree Jollyum - there's a thread just below this called "My DH is a lazy bastard" - fine - no problem - its specific.

But you do need to understand that the topic of this thread is offensive - it's like posting a topic saying "Why are all SAHM's so sappy?", or "Why are all mums so smelly" or something..... people who are in the GROUP that is being attacked WILL get offended. What Mum2boy is asking is "why is MY man so inconsiderate", but because she opened it out to all men, I was offended, partly because of what's going on in my home. Whenever people generalise, this happens. It's not PC to be sinsible about this, it's just common sense. NOT all men are inconsiderate, so why state that as fact as part of a question?

Anyway. This is to Mum2boy. Sounds to me that you need to get your bloke to understand your baby more. The most effective way of doing that is to leave him in charge on occasions (particularly when it involves putting the baby down for a nap). I'm not sure if you're b/fing or not but if you are, you can express, if not, it's easier. But you should talk to him about him being in charge of the baby for about half a day or better, a day. Say you've got to go away to see a relative or something. Put him in charge so he HAS to learn about the baby's rhythms and patterns through the day. Also, in a position where HE has to deal with the consequences of not getting things right, not winding the baby, settling the baby to sleep, changing the nappy on time, being quiet when the baby is dropping off etc etc.

The problem for most men is that we get very little time on our own with the baby when it's very small, so we don't learn parenting skills as quickly as women, and we find it hard to understand what our partner is going through. It's also quite hard for our partners to trust us with the baby.

If you leave him alone with the baby for a day, or half a day, then it will tackle all three of these things.

My other thought is that he might feel resentful of the baby for some reason (not sure why)

And my final thought is that I have heard that babies who learn at a very young age (under 6 months) to sleep in noisy environments become much deeper sleepers than those who are always put into a quiet space to sleep.... so it's not all bad

GOOD IDEA SCUMMY!

If Mum2boy's DH was black, would it be OK if she had said "Why are blacks so inconsiderate"?
I don't think so.
Tom's right. Generalisations are offensive to other members of the group.

So let's just leave this thread then and not answer on it if people are getting upset. Please.

omg what is happening on here atm. its all getting so nasty. maybe i'll leave for a bit eh.

anyway, my dd's sleep thro noise, but then dd1 liked to fall asleep next to the tumble dryer, was used to people dj-ing in the house. dd2 was surrounded by upto 18children at any one time since she was 4 weeks old.

but if u're ds needs peace and quiet, then speak to your dh about it. he doesnt have to sneak about like a mouse but keep the noise level reasonably quiet.

You have all really shocked me. The reason I used the word 'men' is that there are hundreds of threads on this site where people have complained about the way their husbands and partners have treated them. There was a thread on here recently where someone was complaining about 'men', but they didn't get the kind of responses that I'm getting here.

Tom, I hate to say it but you sound arrogant and 'know-it-all'. My child is nearly 3 years old, not a baby, and my husband is very familiar with his 'routines and rhythms'. But he does little to assist me most of the time, and he does not want to have any more time alone with our child. If you knew more about my situation you probably would not have been quite so nasty in your original post to me. If you don't like what someone writes here, then please don't respond if you have nothing decent to offer.

Scummymummy I'm also very disappointed in your comment. When I posted my question I really didn't think I would end up being made fun of. I'm really sorry I posted.

Mum2boy - it would have helped if you had mentioned your son's age - I have a three year old and he doesn't have naps in the daytime anymore, so i naturally thought he would be young.

Why did I object? Partly because of personal circumstances that I dont want to publish, and partly because I'm just fed up with the man bashing. I like this site, as it's very useful for getting valuable opinions about parenting and children's issues, but the whole place is devalued by the way it is used to slag off men. I don't like it and I'm entitled to say so.

I now have no idea why your husband acted the way he did, so I can't help.

Mum2Boy - ((hug)) - I think you've been treated a bit harshly here! I know what Tom's getting at (i.e. not all men are inconsiderate), but you posted with a genuine question, which is causing you grief, and I don't think you deserved this. I think it was obvious from your message that you weren't just 'men bashing'. Perhaps if you're being pedantic, the subject heading could have been more precise, but hey, we're not all perfect!

I don't really have any advice to offer, but could you engineer it so that dh has to look after him for some regular time in the day - don't know what it could be though. I don't know what your ds is like, but mine will sleep through an earthquake once he's asleep. Having said that, ds is 2 and has no sleep in the day at all now, so your ds might be nearing the end of his daytime naps anyway!

Don't be sorry you posted! This site seems to have periods where everyone gets very upset at each other, and this is definitely one of those times! Did you see the Dadslib/M2T thread?

"Why did I object? Because of personal circumstances that I don't want to publish." Shame you felt the need to take your personal circumstances out on me.

For what it's worth, my ds DID get woken up this afternoon and spent the rest of the day being tired, uncontrollable and naughty like I knew he would. So what did dh do? Chastise him and smack him for being naughty. He has a low tolerance for ds' bad behaviour but doesn't see that he is actually contributing to it. But hey, I'll just have to deal with it, won't I.

Anyway since my original post has only attracted criticism and nothing else, perhaps it is best forgotten about. I'll take it that no one else has experienced any similar problems with their partners, and I will certainly think twice before posting in future.

Thanks Musica. My ds still needs a sleep when he's very tired, but doesn't sleep as heavily anymore. I didn't want him woken because I knew how tired he was... anyway, enough of that - it's over now.

No I didn't see the thread - perhaps I should go and have a look.

Hi Mum2boy,
I have had this problem but it is mainly out of my children waking the littlest ds up. Dh does sometimes but he goes white if he wakes him up accidently.
I get fed up and guess what solution I came up with and that is whoever woke him up has to deal with him.
It makes for a peaceful life and then other family members realise what THEY are in for if they wake him up.

my ds is like yours cranky if he is woken up.

Mum2boy sorry you're having a bad day both at home and on Mums net ((hugs)) for both you and ds. Hope that your day gets better.

Mum2boy-don't stop posting! Everyone has questions, opinion etc to share and sometimes when I look at postings, people have asked a question that I would like some help with but am a bit shy/embarrassed to say1 Look at it this way-sometimes people post and don't get any responses but we've all looked at both sides of the "story" and had a good think about it. Don't take anything too personally, everyone has bad days, and maybe you hit a raw nerve with Tom. Hope this thread dies down now, and keep posting! LOL

Mum2boy - don't stop posting.

And Tom - grow up !

Mum2boy- I wasn't trying to make fun of you at all. Just trying to lighten the tone a bit and it sounded like you and Tom were having similar experiences with your partners. Sorry it upset you.

Tom I hope you can rise above some of the things writen here and continue to make your valued and excellent contributions.

My dh is very acutely aware of men bashing and I have been guilty of it myself and do try not to generalise.
I would be extremely offended if I read a thread on Fathers direct(which I visit - great site ) called "why are women so inconsiderate?"

I endorse your comments (and am far from PC )