Why are men so inconsiderate

[Mum2boy]

I put ds down for a nap this afternoon and I wanted him to have a decent sleep, because he hasn't been sleeping all that well the last few nights and I knew he was tired. Anyway he'd been asleep for about 1/2 an hour when dh came home at around 1.00pm, and much to my irritation he went around the house making just about every conceivable noise, even though he knew ds was asleep. I didn't say anything for a minute and then when he started to get louder, I asked him if he could try to be a bit more quiet - which I thought was reasonable - and he started shouting at me right outside ds' bedroom, saying "I'M NOT GOING TO GO AROUND IN SILENCE JUST BECAUSE HE'S ASLEEP, WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO BE QUIET IN MY OWN HOUSE" etc etc etc. I was so furious that he had yelled at me right outside ds' room, let alone that he didn't give a crp about waking ds up, that I called him a selfish d*khead and stormed out of the house for a couple of hours. Not the nicest thing in the world to say, but I cannot understand why he can't keep the noise down for 1 HOUR out of his entire day - I mean he doesn't even try. I just feel he's being so inconsiderate, after all it's me who would have to deal with ds being tired & cranky if he got woken up. I do just about everything for ds & if I want any help from dh, I have to ask for it.

Can anyone understand my feeling about this or is it really too much to ask? Perhaps if dh had to spend as much time taking care of ds as I do, he might think differently about what he does. I just can't stand men sometimes...

Mum2boy hi, i can totally undersatnd where you're coming from! My dp was like that for a while but having a quiet word at another time really made him see that it's very diruptive when she wakes too soon.puts her in a bad mood.etc! Recently we had family staying and he was the first one to tell them to stop banging doors and the like Good luck

very disruptive too

Mum2boys - accidentally posted my reply on the other 'new'version of this thread...sorry

Mum2boy, what you called your dh is nothing compared to what I called mine on Thursday evening. He was inconsiderate and selfish and I felt I must voice this using the worst word I could think of beginning with C. However, we are still married and he has gone to Florida today for a weeks golf leaving me at home with 1 yo and 3 yo and I wished him well amd all that. Now can I ask why men generalise all women as nags if we happen to voice any objections to anything. There are always exceptions but, as a whole, females are more considerate in my experience and at the end of the day our opinions can only be based on our experiences and not other peoples. So TOM and the male MN's must respect that their own sex are responsible for all negative opinions about the male species.

and by the same logic we women must accept our own sex are responsible for all negative opinions about the female species?
..or not?

mum2boy, I certainly feel for you on this issue. It has takem me ages to stop DH from waking either of our boys up by slamming the bathroom door, stomping upstairs, etc. It just doesn't matter to him whether they wake up or not, because they don't stop him from doing any of his daily tasks or pleasures. He doesn't have to cram anything into the time when they are asleep, he's got aaaaaalllll dddddaaaaayyyyyy and night to do everything........ (not that I'm bitter, you understand).

I did get a result when I left him to it one day. He didn't think he was looking after baby ds1 one afternoon, and had scheduled in some paperwork. He was careless and woke Ds up. so I picked up the car keys, said something like 'see you later,' drove off for a couple of hours and came back to find DH with baby on floor, no paperwork done of course, fuming. Before the volcano erupted, I managed to trot out words to the effect of 'MATTERS, really, doesn't it, how long they sleep, when that's all the time you've got,'

Long-winded, sorry, but he hasn't dared do it much since.

Droile... THANK YOU, that is exactly what I was trying to say. What you've said is precisely how I feel about my situation. My dh's attitude has been very similar to your dh, which is why I got to the point of feeling the way I did.

After having a nightmare evening with a very tired ds the other night, I think dh is FINALLY starting to understand why this is so important to me & that it could have all been prevented, if he had've been a little more thoughtful.

mum2boy, it's a pleasure. Glad to hear your dh is starting to understand.

Mum2boy - I entirely understand what you said because I bet we're all guilty of generalising when someone pees us off. So yeah Tom, I get where you are coming from too but I think Mum2boy's cry came from frustration at an inconsiderate DH. I can't believe he didn't understand why your ds needed his nap!

Droile - love your tactic!

mum2boy
I haven't read all the postings here but I read Tom's initial one and I just wanted to reassure you that I too have the situation where dh is not as quiet as me when ds is sleeping. I think this is also mainly because he is not so affected by the length of ds's naps as I am. It is better now that ds is two floors up as very few sounds travel that far but when he was upstairs it used to really annoy me that dh would slam all the kitchen cupboard doors when in the kitchen. I used to tell him and he thought I was being a control freak.
As for the title of your posting, I did not take it as a generalisation and know exactly in what spirit it was meant. I too think there has to be a place where women can say what they want amongst the sisterhood as it were. The organisers of this forum may welcome men here but it IS called mumsnet and not mums and dads net.... If it were a different forum then a debate such as the one Tom started (have not read following messages or only a few) would be fine but as it is mumboy only wanted to let off steam and find out about other peoples opinions and dh's. I like this site because it provides me with female support. Men's opinions are fine as long as they do not attack a world of which they are not a part in the same way. There are other man posters who have made lots of friends here because they have simply amicably joined in... maybe Tom should do the same instead of getting instantly offended.

Thinking about it again, I think Tom should simply have expressed his opinion in a less direct and hurtful way. Something along the lines of "bit of a generalisation isn't it but in my experience......." or whatever. I think people do mainly come here for support and with the best of intentions and so do not expect to get immediately slammed in that way, especially when no harm was meant.

Sorry, I keep on thinking of new things. I think that becuase Mumsnet is mainly populuated by women, it is kind of a haven away from the real world where you can go without being judged. I'm sorry if this is hurtful to men but then there are plenty of men only clubs where women are excluded.
It is sometimes a relief for me to come on here when I am not getting on with my partner and our two different energies are very much at odds. I know that on here I will get a female and compassionate ear and it would be ashame to lose that.
I think your issue Tome (that I read on the other thread) about parenting being a joint thing is totally valid, and yes it must be hard for some Dads to feel pushed out (eg. at school gate or whatever). Definitely progress needs to be made in this arena.
With regards to Mumsnet however, over the months that I have been using it I have come to regard it as a female forum and that is why I like it. I WOULD post on male / female forum about parenting but in a different way, perhaps equally useful to me, but definitely in a different way. Maybe to get a more male perspective on things... however that is not why I post on Mumsnet. Plus some things (eg. about sex etc...) are embarrassing and I don't really want men reading them. I know that's ridiculous as this is the internet... but somehow what you don't see doesn't affect you.

Agree with everything you've said Arabella2 - very well put.

more men on mumsnet PLEASE

Tom - how ridiculous to come on a site called 'Mumsnet' and not expect to find some negative comments about men!

You are very selfish to turn someone's thread regarding their upset and angry feelings into vent for your own feelings about 'poor, hard-done by men' in general.

She made ONE COMMENT at the end of the post about 'men'!
Talk about overreacting!

You had no advice to give to help Mum2Boy, the things you said probably only made her feel worse.

Having read your pathetic and self-pitying post, I have to agree with her last comment, and I feel sorry for your 'very inconsiderate' and probably long-suffering partner.

Why don't you stay away from sites like this in future, you are obviously someone who likes to sh*t-stir.

They are , so are women end of story

? !

ooops some ones up !

You know I'd rather have Tom on here than some of the women! The site is only called Mumsnet because it was catchier than Parentsnetand many of us have found Tom (And some of the other men) very useful in providing an alternative viewpoint.
He's already apologised more than once for overreacting because he was having a bad day - give the guy a break.

He didn't say his was having a bad day, prufrock, he said he was projecting his own problems on Mum2boy when she didn't mean any harm to him or anyone else. Perhaps he should've given HER a break. I don't think there was an apology as such, it was more along the lines of "I reacted that way because of my inconsiderate wife and my dislike of generalisations about men".

I don't have a problem with men such as SimonHoward or Bear posting on here, because they do not come across as aggressively or bluntly as Tom did in this thread. In fact they've been very pleasant and have offered a lot of insight with their various posts. But I'm afraid I still can't get over the fact that Tom took it upon himself to start a new thread on Mum2boy's behalf simply because he didn't like the first one. All he did was make it sound as though he has a rather large chip on his shoulder.

Lethal, I think you've made your point now. Give it break eh? I've explained my motivation and apologised to Mum2Boy (4 days ago), and I think you need to get over it.

Ok. As long as you promise to get over a few things too

Wow, Tom, I must say I felt quite disappointed in you when I read your original reply to Mum2boy (sorry if you feel its all over now but I've only just caught up with the thread and your apology isn't on here - did you mail in private?)

Sometimes dh's/dp's CAN be bloody inconsiderate and a lot of men wouldn't even begin to understand the stresses involved in looking after a child all day. I think its great that you are so involved and hands on - wish there were more men like you around. Mum2boy clearly says that she always has to ask for help from her dh - can you understand how wretched that can make you feel?

I usually keep out of things like this, but what is really hacking me off is that people are still having a go at Tom on this one. He did apoligise, tried to restart the thread so this one would die and his comments would disappear in the mire.

Lethal I can see why you are irritated by Tom starting a new thread on Mum2boy behalf, but surely you can see he was only doing it because he knew he was wrong to blast off at her on this thread.

A few days ago the new thread was here, with proper answers to the original issue which is exactly what was meant to happen. Tom did apoligise since he was having a bad day that day. Sometimes we all have bad days and then seeing something quite normal pushes us into rant mode.

I think Tom won't mind me saying that he made a mistake, and can you all stop punishing him for it. From what I know of him (read on mumsnet) he has been around a long time and is one of the rare SAHD who are truely fantastic with their kids, he comes on here to get advice etc, but also to give a male perspective. I find that far more useful than some others (male and female) who come on here.

MMMM let me think? Nope no idea

Tom thanks for the chat